What if it was me??


*I dug this one back out and have decided to republish it today. This post was originally published on February 5th, 2014. About 2-3 weeks after I tried to take my own life during the middle of the night and exactly 11 days before I ended up getting sober. 

When I wrote this (which fuck, I was probably drunk when I did) I knew...I *knew* I had 2 choices to make. I had to either get sober or I had to give up and end it all. There was no more in between. I was so scared what getting sober would do to my life, but I was just as scared of what not being sober was doing to it. 

I am approaching 7 years sober and that is just mind boggling to me at times. There are days that seem easy and there are days where I fight and I can guarantee you no one but me can tell the difference between the two...and that's ok. I know what I am fighting for and I know how to fight for it. 

If you are someone you know is suffering with depression and experiencing suicidal thoughts please call 1-800-273-8255.*

Many people know about the shocking death of Phillip Seymour Hoffman. 

I have a connection with him…with what he brought to me as a creative human being. 

The roles he played inspired me and I always thought the he was insanely courageous for taking on some of them.  He inspired me to accept and be ok with the many different “sides” of myself.

Let’s take away the celebrity…the Oscar…the admirations…

This was a man with a disease.

One that he has fought and battled with for so many years.  And he won that fight for almost 23 years….almost.

People have called him selfish..they have called him a junkie…a person who thinks of no one but themselves.  He had THREE children!!!!!!! He had a partner in life who loved him unconditionally!!!!

How about this..

Call him HUMAN.

He had a choice...like we all do. Sometime we make good ones. Sometimes we don't. Sometimes demons follow us, no matter where we go. And we fight. We fight so, so hard. We try to fight them by projecting them. By suffocating them. By living them at times. He had children. He had people that looked up to him. Idolized him. Needed him. And he selfishly said "NO"...and chose his needles.

Not even his children could save him from that moment…that moment that OVER CAME him. Addiction is a horrible, awful beast. And people think "I made a year clean/sober" and you're good to go...this proves...it's a never ending battle.
We should never judge peoples personal battles.

I have made many choices in my life. Good…and bad.   Not all of the “good” choices have led to me “good” things.  And not all of the “bad” choices have led me to “bad” choices. Sometimes they have crisscrossed.

What if it was me..

What if I confessed that I have a problem??

If I said “I am an alcoholic”

Would you all react the same way?? Would you say it way my fault??

What if I told you that I was able to control my drinking for 2 years but then relapsed…

What would you say then??

What if I said that I was SO fucking lost that I had no idea where to go??

What if I died tomorrow…

Will a brilliant man with awful demons be laid to rest, or will he continue to be judged by something bigger than you, bigger than me.

Or can we find peace and understanding in knowing that this world is much, much bigger than any of us can ever fully understand.

And that no matter what your addiction is…you have to keep on fighting.

You don’t know everyone’s demons…so never judge.

You all saw my demons catch and regain my weight…

If you saw it catch my death, would it be like this?? Would you think I was weak?? Would you think that I didn’t think of every one and everything??

When it comes to addiction…who is really in control??  Is the answer really as simple as YOU??

I think that the death of PSH has made people more aware of their own “addictions”…it doesn’t need to be drugs. It can be anything…food and exercise even.  The fact that he got help at such a young age and was able to stay clean for so long is the really eye opening part that I think reminds people that this fight is NEVER over. There is no “cure”…there is only constant awareness and learning.

RIP Phillip Seymour Hoffman. RIP everyone who has ever died by addiction holding them.


And bless everyone who keeps trying to break hold of it!!!!


  1. Suzi, no one knows how hard addiction is to live with, let alone be around. If you have never lived it, you cannot!! Every day is a new beginning to a never ending battle!! So many things can trigger those addictive habits. Simple words can bring them on. People who have not lived it do not understand!! Power and peace to you and R.I.P. Phillip!!

  2. Beautiful post, Suzi. Thank you!

  3. Love this post. I am a huge fan of PSH. I don't sit there and rattle off how he deserved to die for his addiction. I understand he had it and it caught up to him. He eventually lost his battle. It's funny, but my friend said, "How could he inject himself with heroin and then plan to pick up his kids." I just reminded her that when you have an addiction, you don't think of things like that. YOu take care of the need and then get along with your day. My dad was an alcoholic and would pick me up to take me to school drunk and drinking beers (this was before drinking and driving was a thing). He had beers early in the morning and was usually drunk by 4 p.m. and passed out by 6 p.m. I accepted this as who he was and there was nothing I could do about it. He had to get better. After awhile, I stopped enabling him, but that didn't help. Eventually he died either from withdrawal or sickness. I'm not exactly sure yet. So, I don't judge PSH for what he did. I do judge the fact that the police arrested those drug dealers, because they wouldn't have done that for any normal person.

  4. Well said, Suzi! Addiction is a very serious disease. Relapse is part of addiction. The possibility is always present. There is such a stigma associated with addiction. This is one of the reasons those afflicted do not seek help. My heart goes out to his family. RIP PSH...

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