When getting yourself OUT of your comfort zone put’s you IN your comfort zone!

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Sometimes there are things about me that surprise people. Like when I tell someone that I get social anxiety, even though I was once a WW leader and now I lead runners twice a week at run club (oh yeah…update: about a year ago I took over the announcements and stuff for run club). Yet, I still don’t feel comfortable in large groups of people and put me in a room with people I don’t know and panic does indeed set in!! But I always try to power through it.

Now I think sometimes that my “outer shell” gives people certain assumptions about me as well. When I tell people of the certain types of classes I’ve been taking some say they are not shocked are that they are right up my alley. They are not necessarily wrong, but that doesn’t mean that I am comfortable doing them and that taking them comes with such ease! Quite the opposite really.

If you’ve been following me on social media then you might remember how I took a pole dancing class a couple years ago. The “stripper” jokes were aplenty, and I got looks of all kinds when I would tell someone about it. Some people were jealous, some weren’t surprised, some seemed disgusted. Funniest part about that class was that it was seriously not sexual AT ALL. Not even the music. It was WORKOUT!!

I was single when I took that class. No husband. No boyfriend. No hookup. No friend with benefits. Single. 

Over the past month I have begun to take “Chair-lesque” classes. Yes…chair dancing, burlesque style. Or as some have called it “chair humping”, lol (please note: we have not humped a chair…yet anyways 😉). Shout out to our fabulous and fierce instructor Lisa and her amazing Deviant DanceTribe!!

I am single. No husband. No boyfriend. No hookup. No friends with benefits. Single.

So why am I taking such “Sexy and risqué” classes?? Who am I taking them for??

ME!! MYSELF!! I!!

Why am I taking them? Because they make me feel empowered. They make me feel strong. They put me in touch with my sexual being who at times so deeply craves to be expressed in certain ways. These classes have been more than “exercise”. They have been therapeutic. They have given me an outlet for certain parts of myself that I have been searching for now for quite some time.

The chair classes are not just about being sexy and straddling a chair. They are about getting in touch with the strong and sensual but soft and expressive being that is inside of yourself. It’s about empowering yourself and those around you. These classes are with an amazing group of women of all ages and sizes and backgrounds. But showing up to these classes doesn’t come easy for me. Every week is filled with anxiety going into class. How am I going to do? How are others going to look at me? Will I make a fool of myself? Can I really let go and give it my all?

But getting OUT of my comfort zone has actually put me IN my comfort zone because these classes have given me a touch of confidence, strength and grace that really are comforting to me and I’m able to carry that into so many other aspects of my life. I loved these classes so much and got so much out of them that I am taking another 4 week session of them. Am I still filled with anxiety about them? You bet! But not as much and I am SO excited to see how much more comfortable I get with not only the classes but with myself. 

No, I’m not saying you need to start climbing poles and straddling chairs…but maybe try to find something that breaks you out of your comfort zone…be ok with the anxiety and fears that come with it…embrace it and grow and become stronger…become more comfortable with the uncomfortable. You just never know what it will awake within you.

What’s something you’ve always wanted to try but have felt that it’s been too outside of your “comfort zone”??

Plenty of dead carp in the creek

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So let’s talk about something that I’ve never ever talked about on this blog before, shall we…

Dating. More specifically…Dating apps.

I’m not a complete homebody. I do get out and around people, however they are usually crowds of people that I know and know well. I don’t really hang out bars and I can only sit at Starbucks and watch every cute guy walk in only to have his girlfriend or boyfriend behind their tail. I try to stay away from people I work with (Jesus H. Christ don’t get me started there). And I think I’ve maybe asked out like 2 people in my entire life…so as you can see, that’s working out in my favor, lol.

So where does that leave me?? …. It leaves me to explore the world of online dating.

Let me just say that so far I don’t have any great stories when it comes to online dating so in the meantime I thought I would share what are my top 10 fucking biggest pet peeves when it comes to online dating apps. So grab some popcorn, a drink, kick back and enjoy in my misery…

      1.)    “I’ll fill this in later.”, "Just ask", or the even more meaningful “????”..,..Seriously?? I mean really?? You can’t even put the damn effort into creating a somewhat interesting or at least a little bit informational profile on your dating app, but we’re supposed to believe that you’ll put effort into us and a possible relationship?!
      2.)    You have kids? Awesome! So is this profile for you or to date your children because I’m confused since all the pictures in your profile are of your children. Yes…great idea to use your children on apps where it seems that 90% of the people are looking for booty calls. Your children are going to love you for this later in life by the way.
      3.)    Getting into a fight with your girlfriend/wife yesterday does not mean you are single today.
      4.)    Why are 90% of the photos from guys at an angle that looks like you are sucking their dick?? Yes, because when browsing we think to ourselves "He is cute and all, but will he still be cute when I glance up from his penis????"
      5.)    Why are 98% of the guys on these apps holding a dead fish??
      6.)    We don’t want to see you on these apps with your shirt off. No, we *really* don’t.
      7.)    Don’t include pictures of yourself when you were 19 years old when you’re almost 40 now and look absolutely nothing like that. Save those pictures for another time…not in your profile.
      8.)    I love memes. I do. Put them in your damn profile and I’m swiping left.
      9.)    Saying “never” to smoking yet including pictures of you smoking. I feel like I’m goddamn Angela Landsbury and I just cracked a case!!
      10.) Apparently, every single man to ever walk the face of the earth loves hiking. Don’t believe me? Browse the dating apps. They all LOVE hiking! LOVE IT! (*bloggers note: upon further investigation they in fact do not love hiking. They love video games and hiking to the fridge to get a new Monster Energy drink)
   
      Bonus Peeve:
      11.) Look...I'm not judging this lifestyle if it's truly something you believe in or want for your life, but is anyone monogamous anymore or is everyone just saying they are "non-monogamous" so they can sleep around with lots of people????

So there you have it....online dating at it's finest...now you'll have to excuse me because I have to scroll and see what kind of fish "Jimmy4U" is holding up today. 

Chasing the feeling...

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There are so many things in life that are unexplainable. Sometimes you can make yourself dizzy thinking about all of life’s how’s and when’s and what’s.

A question I’ve gotten a lot from people is them wanting to know the “WHAT”… What made me decide to lose weight? What made me finally get sober? Overall I think the answer is the same for both of those questions, along with many other similar moves I’ve made in life (divorce, new jobs, etc.) … the pain of staying the same is greater than the pain of changing.

Losing weight is hard as fuck. But staying at almost 300lbs is harder.

Getting sober is hard as fuck. But continuing to drink myself towards death every day is harder.

Leaving the person you love is hard as fuck. But living every day with that person knowing that you’re extremely unhealthy and unhappy is harder.

I guess maybe I can pinpoint a few things that seem kind of like a “this was it” moment that made me make these changes, but really none of them are exact moments. I don’t know if we really have “exact moments”. Maybe we get the thoughts rolling in our head and get those engines revving, but 9 times out of 10 that’s not when we finally put the pedal to medal and go.

Sometimes, the change, just happens.
Just like that.
Things are different.

Things that have been holding you hostage in your own life suddenly loosen their grip and you can really let them go. You can make the changes. You can start the motions. You can finally sit with the circumstances that you’ve been wanting to sit with.

Maybe that means finally getting around to cleaning out your kitchen cabinets, or setting that budget, or getting to the gym, or creating that meal plan, or going through your wardrobe, or blocking that phone #.


I went away on my own to the Catskills for a long weekend to celebrate my birthday and run my 19th half marathon. The Catskills is about 2 ½ hours away from me yet I had never been there. I stayed in this beautiful Airbnb where the host was so extremely sweet and kind and wise. She made me tea from her garden and told me stories of what was happening with nature on her land. I also met another couple who was staying there who are from Poland and I quickly adored and felt connected to them. My final day in the Catskills was spent driving around admiring all of the absolutely gorgeous Autumn foliage and the beautiful twists and turns or roads throughout the mountains. It was a new terrain that I had never been on before. It did something to me. It opened up doors for me and closed others. I can’t explain it.

I don’t know how. I don’t know why. There was no one exact moment where I said “yup, this is it” … but at some point I said to myself “I’m ready”. And just like that I started putting things into motion and starting setting myself up for the changes that I wanted to make happen.


Now because this is real life and I don’t come here to bullshit...will I be “ready” every day…hell no. But my advice that I’m sharing today is the same that I was sharing 10 years ago … hold onto your “ready” … when you start to fall, remember your “why” and remember that feeling that you just knew you were ready to be ready to move forward (that sounds like a mouthful but I think you know what I'm saying). I always say that one of the biggest things that has kept me sober is remembering how awful I felt when I was drinking and that is enough most days to keep me from picking up a drink. When I start to stray from what I want my current life to be I’ll remember that weekend in the Catskills and the people I met and the foliage and the driving through the mountains and just the sense of being free that washed over me.

It was more of a feeling, than just a moment, that has led to me making healthy changes … I’ll forever be chasing that feeling.  

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