1 Year Sober

I can’t really sit here and write about all of the things I have learned in being 1 year sober. It seems pretty much impossible to find the words.  I don’t even know where to being to start. I am literally a head full of emotions and thoughts and gratitude.
I guess I could sit here and list all of the amazing ways that my life has changed since I stopped drinking. But if you’ve been following my journey then you already know how much has changed…80 lbs lost, running again, happier, all that jazz…

But I could also tell you some of the things that I’ve learned in this past year that are not all full of sunshine and daisies. The crappy parts of being sober. So because I don’t know how to process all of my good emotions right now let go with this…

1.)    If you don’t drink…bars suck. No seriously. They are pretty much pointless. I’ve put myself in a bar situation a handful of times since getting sober. It wasn’t as hard of a situation as I thought and whenever I would feel tempted I would either leave or get a moment by myself and gather my thoughts & strength. But it sucks. It’s not that much fun. You feel like an outsider and you feel like you are bringing the fun dial WAY down for everyone else. I want to be there having a good time and I can still have a good time without the alcohol, but it’s just an awkward situation.
2.)    I miss drunk sex. Now I’m not saying that I don’t do the same stuff sober that I did while I was under the influence, but there’s those drunken moments where you just “get lost” & things just get messy and all over the place…yeah not so much when you’re sober.  
3.)    Kind of going with #1…I feel like I’m the party pooper. When I am around friends who are drinking I feel like they feel like they can’t have as good of a time, or that there is a sense of guilt because they are drinking and I am not. I also feel that because they know I am sober they know I will remember everything they say and do and that puts them on guard or alert. It makes me feel uncomfortable in return.
4.)    Alcohol is everywhere. Literally…everywhere. I feel like every time I pick up beer for my husband at the grocery store there is always some lady standing there trying to hand me a sample. And I don’t know how many times I had to turn on some of sort of alcoholic beverage, or dessert covered in booze at our Valentine’s Day dinner this year. We were also seated right in front of a huge glass wine cellar…awesome.
5.)    You’ll still wake up with headaches occasionally. And they suck worse because you have nothing fun to blame it on.
6.)    I can comfort a bad day or stress with a good run but I’m not going to lie….alcohol was a damn good stress reliever…well, ya know…before it became the cause of my stress.
7.)    People will say shit that will piss you off. Like “well at least you weren’t court ordered to quit drinking” or “well at least you didn’t let it get too bad”…what the fuck?! No really…what. the. Fuck?!
8.)    You may have a brand new outlook on life but life is still pretty much the same. Crappy stuff is still happening and the stuff that caused you to drink before probably didn’t go away. *You* changed, life didn’t. You have to actual deal with stuff…the good & the bad.  
9.)    It’s very easy to become addicted to something else. Especially if you have an addictive personality, such as myself. I have to be very careful that I don’t find myself becoming addicted to something that can be equally dangerous.  
10.)  We can revisit this one later but I don’t think I will never NOT want a drink. I am constantly having to remind myself that I am sober and that no, I will not be ordering a drink at dinner or that no, I do not need to pick myself up beer at the grocery store. Even a year later, I still think about drinking every single day.

For all the things that kind of suck about being sober there are a million and one more things that ROCK about being sober. Do I sometimes think “You know what…I could have just one drink and be ok”…you bet I do! But that is a bet with far too high of a risk and that is a risk I am just not willing to take.   I can’t imagine living life the way I used to before I quit drinking. I hope that I never do.
I bought myself this MantraBand as an anchor to celebrate today
I again want to thank everyone for their support, love, encouragement and inspiration. You have all been such a huge part in this milestone. My sobriety is for myself and no one else…but I am happy that I can share it all with you. XO

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