I’ll be in my cave for a bit…

I tried a million times to write this post and it just couldn’t happen….so I found that the Mumford and Son’s wrote it best for me….Corny and semi-hipster, you bet but whatever…

It's empty in the valley of your heart
The sun, it rises slowly as you walk
Away from all the fears
And all the faults you've left behind
The harvest left no food for you to eat
You cannibal, you meat-eater, you see
But I have seen the same
I know the shame in your defeat
But I will hold on hope
And I won't let you choke
On the noose around your neck
And I'll find strength in pain
And I will change my ways
I'll know my name as it's called again
Cause I have other things to fill my time
You take what is yours and I'll take mine
Now let me at the truth
Which will refresh my broken mind
So tie me to a post and block my ears
I can see widows and orphans through my tears
I know my call despite my faults
And despite my growing fears
But I will hold on hope
And I won't let you choke
On the noose around your neck
And I'll find strength in pain
And I will change my ways
I'll know my name as it's called again
So come out of your cave walking on your hands
And see the world hanging upside down
You can understand dependence
When you know the maker's land
So make your siren's call
And sing all you want
I will not hear what you have to say
Cause I need freedom now
And I need to know how
To live my life as it's meant to be
And I will hold on hope
And I won't let you choke
On the noose around your neck
And I'll find strength in pain
And I will change my ways
I'll know my name as it's called again

XO- Seriously….I promise some upbeat sh*t soon!!

Life in the long, fast lane…

SUE-prize…I am still alive.  I am sorry for those of you who follow my blog by mistake. For the rest of you….YAY!! Right?!

I don’t know how many of you have noticed my blog represents unicorns….daises….nothing but HAPPY times!!

Wait….

Oops….wrong blog.

You all know me by now.  I don’t aim to please any one.  I’m not aiming for any status or any ones approval. This is me…all me. I recite the ups and the downs.

No one is perfect. Me, 10’ tall on a Weight Watcher poster….while I must say looks pretty effin’ perfect…it’s not. (I’m normally not that tan but I had trained all summer & was in LA at the time so Eh??)

Perfect is slipping up….

Perfect is admitting you have done wrong…

But that you want better and you won’t give up until you get it….no matter how many tries it takes…
As you can see I survived the Boilermaker.

It was my worst race to date. I ran 9.30 miles in 2:09:33….I have normally ran 1/2 marathons in that time. Last year I ran the Boilermaker in 1:30.

But…that’s not me….not right now.  WAIT!!….That *is* me….it’s just not where I am at this very minute.
I had one goal….CROSS THE FINISH LINE!! Because I backed out of this race SO many times in my head. But *this* time I told myself….

YOU CAN KEEP CUTTING YOURSELF SHORT. YOU CAN KEEP NOT BELIEVING IN YOURSELF…..OR YOU CAN SHOW THE WORLD WHAT YOU TRULY BELIEVE IN….
SO I RAN…AND I RAN (and I walked)….AND I RAN (and I walked)…..FIGHT FOR WHAT YOU WANT
(and walk for it)…BECAUSE SUZI STORM DOES NOT GIVE UP!!!!! SUZI STORM MAY STUMBLE BUT NEVER QUITS!!

I won’t lie and say that the race “changed” me completely…or got me back into my game 100%….actually I hated it afterwards and was depressed.

But this race was bigger than me. It made me think. Then all of a sudden….Weight Watcher Commercials starting airing again….

And there I found myself. That is *ME* mememememememe!!

I may not be exactly physically and mentally where I was when I shot them, but by fucking god….that is ME!! I still have that in me.  Every one who has mentioned seeing me…and for the first time….I saw it….and wow.

I love it….not because of how I look, or what we say….but because we are LIVING PROOF!! So….I’ve gained some weight back. I haven’t given up. It’s not Weight Watchers fault….its my fault for giving up on myself. Which I needed to do for a little bit, because I’m a people pleaser. Well….
I’ve pleased enough people….back to pleasing myself (HEYO!!!!!).

First step(S):

OOF!!

Pain is temporary…Pride is forever!!!!!!!!

I had a choice that day….go hard…..or home.

I chose to go hard. Though I haven’t gone hard in a long, LONG while. But I DID IT!! AND I FUCKING DID IT HAAAAARD!!!! Like super, supreme orgasm hard.

Not every person falls into their “perfect” weight and stays there forever. That doesn’t mean they gain it all back, or that they fail.

Some do hit their target and stay there….and god fucking bless them. I thought that was me. I really *really* did. But I’ve got bigger demon’s to fight. And here come the confessions:

I’ve talked about depression here…blah. blah, blah…ever overweight person has depression. I’m just another. Yet…mine was critical. I tried to kill myself more times than I can count (sorry mom). I took tests, mental and physical. Come to find out…I’m naturally crazy!! HA!! I have a very, very low serotonin level. SO all those years of me trying to slit my wrists the wrong way had a reason to the rhyme. I'm proud to say I no longer want to dabble with death, but I still have my bouts of depression for sure.

I grew up having to deal with being sexually assaulted/abused for a bit…but I don’t let that define me NOW. But it has….and it’s still in the back of my mind at times. But I can’t let it define me. That doesn’t define my SeXAY!!!!

My father….my life…my hero…..the man who caused me the most pain in my life…..died when I was just 10….and it took my breathe away. I was so young, yet I felt my life stop. Yet….he was the worst person I have had in my life to date.

Oh wait….Did I mention how I went back to Weight Watchers in 2009 but then my mom had to undergo EXTEREME Brain surgery. Yeah…1/2 her skull replaced….my rock…..having to do that….HA!! This is a joke right?!

These are thing I deal with….they are not weight related. The scale can not measure them.

They don’t make me special….they just show that this isn’t an A to Z fix.

But something taught me that I was better. Something taught me that no matter what I could over come it all. Something taught me that even if I don’t track this week, or the next week, or the week after that….it will ALWAYS be there for me when I am ready….

Even when I fall…And even as a Weight Watchers “Spokesperson” I will fall… Even the ones right who are ON TOP OF THEIR GAME….I love you…but you too will cross a tough bridge….we all do.

This is life. We fall, We get up. Over and Over and Over and Over again…

You only fail when you stop trying.

Boil Me….

I haven’t ran more than 3 miles in….

well….

wait…..let me sip of my beer…..l….2….

um……

a while……

But this Sunday I am going to run the Utica Boilermaker 15K….

and it wont be my best time, 

but….

it will be my best effort for RIGHT NOW,

This weight…..this lifestyle…..this mentality…..

this will be my best.

And I have a choice….I could give up and not do it at all…..

or I could go, scream “I’M SUZI MOTHERFUCKING STORM….I BELIEVE IN WEIGHT WATCHERS…I BELIEVE…….”…and run until I die….

here’s to hoping I don’t die…..

 

….If I don’t die I promise fun posts with pictures and updates on what I’ve been doing in the meantime…

Once upon a time…

Once upon a time…

I updated this damn blog.

But before all of that…

Once upon a time…

I was a girl, who wasn’t comfortable in her skin.

I was a girl who wanted better in her life.

Then I became a girl, who opened her life for all to see.

No hiding, No shame. No secrets.

Years prior I kept closed, not because of my weight, but because of personal reasons…then…

I let all doors open.

And while I was excited. It terrified me,

but I let myself bleed.

I lost weight….I hit goal…I hit lifetime….BAM!!!!!

I’M GOING TO NYC!! I’M GOING ON OPRAH!! I’M GOING TO LA!!

I’M A MOTHER FUCKING SUCCESS STORY!!!!!!!

And here I am… 30-40 lbs heavier…feeling lost every day.

Maybe I have fucked up. Maybe my story being shared with Weight Watchers will end. Maybe you wont see me on TV, in a magazine, or in your mail. Maybe I really did blow it all.

But….I’d say that is lying because I didn’t  blow it all.

Blowing it all would be giving up. It would be quitting, And I REFUSE TO QUIT!!

I am still a Weight Watchers member and will be until the day I die. I will never quit. I will never give up.  Even at our highest, we tend to fall. I WILL get back up.

This is a journey. It is a lifestyle. It doesn’t happen over night. It doesn’t happen in a year.

Seriously…this blog needs to lighten the fuck up.

Stay tuned…..