Ups and Downs

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Oh 2012…you manic little thing you.

2012 was year of ups and downs for me.

The Weight Watchers campaign came out right on New Years last year and it was truly amazing to see. It was so great to share my story with everyone and to get so much amazing feedback from people. Knowing that I inspired just one person made it all that much more worthwhile.

I only ran one race in 2012. One. I deferred others that I could, or in some cases didn’t even bother showing up at all. I basically gave up on running. Unless you can count going from the couch to the fridge to get a beer running?? (and lets not even talk about how many beers I’ve been “running” to again)

I gained all my weight back (plus an extra 5 lbs just for fun). Yup. It’s amazing how much time and effort it takes to get weight off but just how quickly and easily you can put it back on. Am I upset with myself? You bet. To be 100% honest with you all, over the past few months I’ve had moments where contemplating suicide over dealing with my weight gain has seemed like a better option. Shame, guilt, embarrassment…I’ve had it all.

But I didn’t just gain weight…I’ve gained great knowledge. I’ve learned a great deal about myself this year. What I truly want out of life. How I truly want to feel. How I truly want to live my life. When I was heavier before, I never really knew what it was like to be fit and healthy and happy with my body and mind. Now I do. And I want that back…BAD.

Weight Watchers has the tools for me to use, and now I have the knowledge that *I* needed. At my meeting last week I had them give me a new clean book. Started with a fresh new path! My comeback story will be far greater than any of my success stories have been.

Frankie and I got take a little time out for ourselves this year. We went and saw Dave Matthews a few times and Joe Bonamassa earlier this year. We went to a Yankee game and finally got to see the new stadium. We took a little long weekend vacation in an adorable little cabin in the Adirondacks.

And oh yeah…

We got engaged!!

That is by far the best thing to happen to me this year. And marrying this man in 2013 will definitely be the highlight of the year.

What’s in store for Suzi Storm in 2013….

Well I’m signed up for races. One’s that I plan to attend and actually participate in this time.

Getting back to my healthy weight and staying there (for more than just a little over a year this time!).

Did I mention that I’m getting married?? Winking smile

 

Before I sign off let me take a moment to thank all of you for sticking by my side all these years…especially this one. All of your love, support and encouragement has kept the fight within me alive. You are all my friends and we are all in this together. Happy New Year!! Here’s to 2013!! XO

2012….thanks for letting me see you through till the end, but it’s time for you to go….

The Moment…

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Here is the moment where I tell you that for the past week I have felt better than I have in many, many months.

Here is the moment where I tell you that I’ve actually been paying to what I’ve been putting into my body and being mindful of what I eat and how much.

Here is the moment where I tell you that for the first time in months, I ran yesterday. I produced sweat that didn’t occur from just taking the groceries in or walking up the stairs to the bedroom.

Here is the moment where I tell you that I have given up alcohol Monday-Thursday. This was something I always did when I was “on program” but as I’ve confessed have not been practicing for about a year now.

Here is the moment where I tell you that I am (trying) paying less attention to the scale & more about how I feel about the healthy choices I making day by day.

Here is the moment where I tell you that I have taken on the mantra of “Take it day by day.” I no longer plan out weekly goals or meals or fitness schedules. I take it day by freaking day and so far, so good.

Here is the moment where I tell you about my A-HA! moment as to why I gained weight back (well, one of many)…

I’ve told the story of Hitting Lifetime ---> WW employee ----> WW Success Story -----> Oprah all within a 5 month period many times. I’ve talked about how when I look back I can’t believe (no pun intended) how my life completely went into a whirl wind last year and how I never really got a chance to just *BE* with my new body. I never got to really become acquainted with it before showing it off to the entire world (our commercials were shown in other countries, so I’m allowed to say that. BOOYA!).

Here’s one thing I have never confessed though….I had body issues when I shot the WW campaign. My weight was at 161 lbs. That’s 1 lb over goal weight and 10 lbs from my lowest weight (the weight I was at when I shot the WW story in NYC). I felt not as comfortable. I felt….well….fat. I remember in LA the head fashion stylist (who was a total Cee U Next Tuesday by  the way) asking me my size and when I said “8 or 10, sometimes a 6 depending” and hearing her whisper “more like a 12”.  Well, OK then. Mind you I was wearing a size 8 pair of skinny jeans but I just rolled my eyes. I mean, I was in LA so the thought process is a bit different there with some fashion peeps.

I remember getting ready to go out and take the double decker bus tour with my fellow cast mates. A moment I couldn’t wait for…exploring California!! I tried on about 20 different things and hated them all. So I decided on jeans and a tank top but still felt uncomfortable so I brought a sweater. An extra 5-6 lbs and I felt uncomfortable enough to bring a sweater…..WTF?!

I felt fat here (with my husband RDJ):

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And I felt fat here (even though I dressed kinda slutty looking back on it…and yes I’m pointing to my taco in front of Pink Taco):

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And here in the hotel bathroom, I was depressed & feeling fat….

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In all honesty. I think I look pretty gross in this picture. I don’t look healthy there, in my opinion.

SO what happened??

I came back home. I came back to real life. I had to deal with the holidays….thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years….all while dealing with the anticipation of the campaign being released and my friends, family & followers awaiting to see me shine. Mean while I gained a couple extra pounds and the self hatred built up like a cat piss in clumping litter. I would gain another pound or two and think “what’s the point? I’ve reached the top. Who gives a shit anymore. If I can’t be what I was in NYC or LA than I’m nothing."

Nobody who was supposed to reach out to me did. All they cared about was showing me off & sharing my story during each and every meeting, or making sure the # was OK that month. But it wasn’t. And nobody cared why.

I saw a picture of me at the Yankee stadium this past summer. I remember how I felt….I felt so fat and gross. I even avoided seeing my NYC friends because I was ashamed. But when I saw the picture today I said to myself “wtf?! You look great!! Why did I feel so awful about myself?!”.

So here I am now….obviously heavier than I was at Yankee stadium because let’s be honest the cycle just got worse and false start after false start has lead me to having to lose the weight all over again.

They say 3rd times a charm. I don’t need a fucking charm. I have a keychain full of those. I need KNOWLEDGE.

And this last time, I gained more knowledge than I can handle some days.

Last time I dealt with mostly food/alcohol issues, while reaping the benefits of better mental health & physical activity. Not once did I ever tackle issues that I may have had with body issues. I went from 252 lbs to 151 in about a year and half. I didn’t spend even a month at that weight just getting used to my “new” body without having to show it off for something.  I never got comfortable being at that weight. I never LEARNED how to be OK with gaining a couple pounds and getting it back off.

Gaining the weight this time around has been so much harder on my mentally. Not just because of the guilt/shame/embarrassment for the public to see but also because when I was over weight last time I never paid attention to how my body felt.  I just knew I was miserable & hid behind baggy clothes. But once I lost the weight I was like “Hey! I can move my neck back like this! I can cross my legs like this! I can reach this! I can see this bone!” and well now….not so much. So I feel like I’m in a body that isn’t even my own.

And from this day forward I refuse to live in a body that I don’t believe is mine.  I refuse to live in a body that I do not understand or accept.  Truth is, I didn’t know or understand my body at 151 lbs either, so I need to let all that shit go because that’s where the negativity starts and I’ve had just about enough of that garbage.

This time around I will be stronger and even more successful.  And it won’t be something that can be measured in stories or AD’s or appearances. It won’t be measured by a scale or a clothing size #. It will be measured by me and my choices, my comfort, my sustainability.  I’m not in this to yo-yo around on the scale. I honestly believe that everything that happened last year happened for a reason. And I honestly believe that this time is the right time.

I posted it on Facebook and I will post it here…..SUZI MOTHER F*CKING STORM IS BACK BITCHES!!!!!

6 to 20

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Size

Just a #

6 to 20

It can happen in less than a year.

And it will tear you apart.

Because every day you remember where you were.

The First Time…

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ONE session….14 years later…one session with a psychologist later and…

I’M CURED!!!!!!!!!

Ha!! Made ya look (read, whatever). 

Today was my first therapy appointment in 14+ years.  Sure, I’ve been a Weight Watchers member for 4+ years and been attending meetings, but that is a different kind of therapy.

He seeks to bull shit. We got straight to the point. Straight to my trigger….weight loss/weight gain.

He’s a pretty cool guy. Kind of a hippie-esque to him with a very intuitive mind.  He’s a little touchy-feely…he just likes to grab my hand or rub or tap my arm….kind of weird but he’s a very animated person. I respect everything he said to me, even if I don’t agree 100%.  I said the basic foundations that I wanted to lay out and we will see where we go from here.

Words that we shared and agreed with often….

IMPOSTER.   SHAME.   BIG GIRL.   PRETZEL.

Yeah…pretzel. That is the word that really struck me. Really opened a door for me.  A twist. A continuous twist.

Things I learned….

Fuck all of you. And I mean that with the utmost respect, but seriously.  I’ve been living in HELL these past few months because I am afraid of what OTHERS think.  I’m scared to go to the store, to work, to a concert, in fear that someone will see me and think “Ooooh fatty!!”. Are you fucking kidding me?!?!  Did I really stumble back that far?! I never gave a shit what any of you thought before (again, no offence).  I NEVER, EVER, EVEEEEEER did ANY of this for you!! SO why….WHY NOW….are all of you holding me back?!?! Why do I care what YOU think??  Why do I care what YOU see??

You are not me. You do not live my life. You are not in my life. So WHY do I let you control my life.

I became propaganda. I am too strong, too badass and too awesome to be a piece of your battle. You have to love me at 101 lbs lost and at 28 lbs lost….otherwise, you’ve never loved or supported me at all.

Failure

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It has been no secret that I’ve neglected this blog very much this year. I have maybe one post a month and it’s usually me whining or bitching about something. I’d have some post saying that today was a NEW day and things were going to change. I was going to change. I was going to get back to treating myself good and making healthy choices. Most of those posts I probably wrote drunk, lol. I meant everything I said in them though. I did believe that it was going to be a new day and that I was going to make better choices.

But I did not.

Let me tell you where I have been this past year….My own personal hell. In what should be one of the best times of my life (WW campaign, getting engaged, summer full of fun things to do) it has been the most difficult. But why??

Can it really just be because of all the weight I’ve gained?? Is it really that simple?? Sometimes I think so, but then I know that my weight doesn’t define me, though I guess I felt as though it did for the entire year of 2011. And maybe *that* is part of the root cause of my issues.

Hate. Disgusted. Fat. Ugly. Blob. Failure. Quitter. Death. Revolting. Sadness.

Those are all words that constantly swirl around in my head. Some days they get the best of me….the real best of me. They get to me so hard that I fear my own actions and mental stability. I hate myself so much right now. I am so angry at myself and so negative. I am constantly…and I mean constantly fighting a war with myself in my head. It is an awful way to live. I don’t ever remember ever feeling this disgusted with myself.

I suffered depression for more than half of my years of being alive. I spent many years in a very, very deep dark place. We are not talking about the blues here or a case of the sad face. If you’ve ever suffered from depression, you know exactly what I’m talking about. If you haven’t well, let’s just put it this way…a friend encouraging me to go out and run or do some sort of physical activity is like torture to me at this point because I have to use up all of my energy just to get out of bed and function like a normal human being on a day to day basis.

I have panic and anxiety attacks all the time now. I have to talk myself into going to the grocery store because I am so worried that I will run into someone I know and they will see me and see the weight gain and will know with their own two eyes that I am a failure.

I’ve turned down or completely ignored emails from people requesting that I do an interview for their weight loss or healthy living blog or website. Because who wants to hear about my failure?? And wouldn’t me talking about losing weight just be fake right now??

People tweet me saying what an “inspiration” I am and sometimes that just makes me cry. How am I an inspiration anymore? You shouldn’t look up to me. I’m a failure.

I stopped attending my regular Weight Watchers meeting months ago. I didn’t go because I was ashamed and embarrassed. I didn’t want them to see me this way. I didn’t want them to see my failures. I either went to meetings I normally didn’t attend, or in most cases just followed the plan online. But two weeks ago I gathered up some courage from somewhere and went back. I have been pretty quiet (which is strange for me) and I try to keep to myself, but I’m back there and that in itself is a huge movement forward. A real movement forward, not just me saying that I am going to make one here on this blog.

My leader said something to me that I have kind of thought these past few months…she said “I was thinking about you and I realized that you never got to just BE at your goal weight. You never got a chance to really live everyday life at that weight. You hit lifetime, started working for us, went to NY, Oprah, then LA plus all the local stuff you did here. You never got to just be you at your new weight for just yourself.” Ain’t that the fucking truth!!

Now I’m not blaming anyone or any group and I certainly do NOT regret any of it. I wouldn’t change a thing. But it is kind of true. 2011 was the first year I got to live in my body at my goal weight but almost every month I had to show it off for others to see. I was high on the attention & overwhelming feeling to MOTIVATE others.

I spent the entire year motivating others. Did I ever stop to motivate myself?

It’s been 14 years since I’ve been in therapy. Tomorrow I have my first appointment with a local psychologist. I need to work through these overwhelming feelings of self hate and failure. This is another big step towards me moving forward. I need to learn to be OK with where I am right now and believe in myself again. I need to know that this is not permanent and that I can make the changes I need…no, that I *WANT* to make.

They say 3rd times a charm…so here I am….again….back to this being a weight loss blog again….back to trying to overcome depression yet again…back to working on being the me I want to be again…but better.





Always

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Always be true to yourself.
Always write a blog post that you feel passionate about.
Always remember to never be afraid.
Always ‘Like’ what you want to ‘Like’.
Always ‘RT’ what you want to ‘RT’.
Always feed your cats and dogs, otherwise they might eat your face off in the night.
Always laugh at yourself, as silly as it may seem,
Always remember to never be ashamed of what you think, feel, or eat.
Always remember to hold your head up high & say “This is me!”.
Always remember to roll your eyes and say “Oh Jesus Christ, PLEASE.” to some one the internets privately.
ALWAYS STAND UP FOR WHAT YOU BELIEVE IN.
Always remember that you are worth it….and then some.
Always say “NO” when someone makes you do something that is not you or makes you uncomfortable.
Always remember to not be someone else, thinking that it will get you somewhere else.
Always remember that someone will come in and take your place where you once stood, but they are NOT YOU.
Always remember that there are up’s and down’s in any journey in life.
Always remember to never apologize for things in life that you don’t truly feel sorry for,.
Always know that whatever the number on the scale, YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL.
Always think that you are amazing. Because, YOU ARE.
ALWAYS REMEMBER TO BE YOU!!
Always keep alcohol in the house…just incase.
Always remember that you are NOT a failure, no many how many times you fall.
Always support others.
Always support yourself.
Always BELIEVE in yourself….no matter where you land on any given day.

Always remember to read my blog, because you never know when I might post ;P

Always remember that YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL.....

 *post inspired by many thing lately, but really this picture at most. Gorgeous.Photography by the beautiful May Faith. Visit her Facebook page HERE!!

Your mask sure is pretty….

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Earlier this week I had a tweet asking this:

Capture

I was expecting a lot of “hate” tweets from that and actually, I received the opposite. SO much agreement and “YES” and even “it’s better that way” kind of replies came my way.

So it got me thinking….not trying to political here, but are these people really “REAL”?!

Now, I am NOT saying that if you are lucky enough to have the luxury to sit around and blog all day and work out whenever you want and cook what ever your taste buds tell you to, that you are a flake. But lets be honest here, for the majority of us…the ones trying *real* hard to lose weight or be at a healthy weight…we do not have that luxury.  But it’s awesome to see how some of you do it, and I know that I get inspiration from MANY of you.

But then there are some….some who just PISS me off to NO end!!

This is my blog so therefore I can say what I want to so here I go….

(Starting note: I have many friends who are vegetarians, vegans and clean eating folks…you who really know me know that this is not directed towards you. XO)

“Oh…you only eat nuts, vegetables, fruits and fats that are considered “healthy”. Well, that’s awesome! Good for you, seriously that is great. However, that is not me. I like nuts (yeah, I *really* like nuts Winking smile) veggies and fruit. I enjoy a nice avocado now and then myself or some good fish. BUT….

I also like meat. Red, semi bloody meat. And sometimes on the weekend I enjoy a :gasp: bagel to get me going and get me through the long ass list of things that I have to do over the 2 days that I have off since its really my only chance.

And I buy my man healthy snacks but also some of his favorites. And once in a while I like to take his Chili Cheese Fritos and portion them out (or not…oops) and enjoy them myself. Fritos…corn…it’s natural.

Sometimes I get a craving for something real bad like Ramen chicken noodle soup, or even MAC AND CHEESE….

Processed?? You f’ing bet!! Artificial?? I think I grow a new horn each time I swallow. But….I don’t care.

Why?? Because I’m not aiming for this so called “perfection”.. And I’m not judging you if you do choose to not eat these foods. Actually, I think we are on the same playing field….as long as you don’t judge me for having them every now and then I wont judge you for not having them. This is real life, am I right?!

Does society need to cut back on these foods?? Absolutely, but we are not going to eliminate them completely any time soon. So until then, why not find a healthy balance.

There is being inspiring, motivational, helpful and real and then there is being pretentious, arrogant, judgmental and just down right stupid.

So stop judging if someone picks up fries from McDonalds, has some Mac ‘N Cheese, or chooses regular yogurt over greek every now and then. It doesn’t make them any less “healthy” as you. 

And for the love of god….no one cares to see 1000000000 pictures of you sweating and eating fruit. Get real. Because that is what inspires people to change. I can only guess what you do behind closed doors…”

What do I do?? Well….I’m off to get another beer Smile Have a good weekend everybody. XOXO

I’ll be in my cave for a bit…

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I tried a million times to write this post and it just couldn’t happen….so I found that the Mumford and Son’s wrote it best for me….Corny and semi-hipster, you bet but whatever…

It's empty in the valley of your heart
The sun, it rises slowly as you walk
Away from all the fears
And all the faults you've left behind
The harvest left no food for you to eat
You cannibal, you meat-eater, you see
But I have seen the same
I know the shame in your defeat
But I will hold on hope
And I won't let you choke
On the noose around your neck
And I'll find strength in pain
And I will change my ways
I'll know my name as it's called again
Cause I have other things to fill my time
You take what is yours and I'll take mine
Now let me at the truth
Which will refresh my broken mind
So tie me to a post and block my ears
I can see widows and orphans through my tears
I know my call despite my faults
And despite my growing fears
But I will hold on hope
And I won't let you choke
On the noose around your neck
And I'll find strength in pain
And I will change my ways
I'll know my name as it's called again
So come out of your cave walking on your hands
And see the world hanging upside down
You can understand dependence
When you know the maker's land
So make your siren's call
And sing all you want
I will not hear what you have to say
Cause I need freedom now
And I need to know how
To live my life as it's meant to be
And I will hold on hope
And I won't let you choke
On the noose around your neck
And I'll find strength in pain
And I will change my ways
I'll know my name as it's called again

XO- Seriously….I promise some upbeat sh*t soon!!

Life in the long, fast lane…

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SUE-prize…I am still alive.  I am sorry for those of you who follow my blog by mistake. For the rest of you….YAY!! Right?!

I don’t know how many of you have noticed my blog represents unicorns….daises….nothing but HAPPY times!!

Wait….

Oops….wrong blog.

You all know me by now.  I don’t aim to please any one.  I’m not aiming for any status or any ones approval. This is me…all me. I recite the ups and the downs.

No one is perfect. Me, 10’ tall on a Weight Watcher poster….while I must say looks pretty effin’ perfect…it’s not. (I’m normally not that tan but I had trained all summer & was in LA at the time so Eh??)

Perfect is slipping up….

Perfect is admitting you have done wrong…

But that you want better and you won’t give up until you get it….no matter how many tries it takes…
As you can see I survived the Boilermaker.

It was my worst race to date. I ran 9.30 miles in 2:09:33….I have normally ran 1/2 marathons in that time. Last year I ran the Boilermaker in 1:30.

But…that’s not me….not right now.  WAIT!!….That *is* me….it’s just not where I am at this very minute.
I had one goal….CROSS THE FINISH LINE!! Because I backed out of this race SO many times in my head. But *this* time I told myself….

YOU CAN KEEP CUTTING YOURSELF SHORT. YOU CAN KEEP NOT BELIEVING IN YOURSELF…..OR YOU CAN SHOW THE WORLD WHAT YOU TRULY BELIEVE IN….
SO I RAN…AND I RAN (and I walked)….AND I RAN (and I walked)…..FIGHT FOR WHAT YOU WANT
(and walk for it)…BECAUSE SUZI STORM DOES NOT GIVE UP!!!!! SUZI STORM MAY STUMBLE BUT NEVER QUITS!!

I won’t lie and say that the race “changed” me completely…or got me back into my game 100%….actually I hated it afterwards and was depressed.

But this race was bigger than me. It made me think. Then all of a sudden….Weight Watcher Commercials starting airing again….

And there I found myself. That is *ME* mememememememe!!

I may not be exactly physically and mentally where I was when I shot them, but by fucking god….that is ME!! I still have that in me.  Every one who has mentioned seeing me…and for the first time….I saw it….and wow.

I love it….not because of how I look, or what we say….but because we are LIVING PROOF!! So….I’ve gained some weight back. I haven’t given up. It’s not Weight Watchers fault….its my fault for giving up on myself. Which I needed to do for a little bit, because I’m a people pleaser. Well….
I’ve pleased enough people….back to pleasing myself (HEYO!!!!!).

First step(S):528061_332163490200778_1203034477_n
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OOF!!

Pain is temporary…Pride is forever!!!!!!!!

I had a choice that day….go hard…..or home.

I chose to go hard. Though I haven’t gone hard in a long, LONG while. But I DID IT!! AND I FUCKING DID IT HAAAAARD!!!! Like super, supreme orgasm hard.

Not every person falls into their “perfect” weight and stays there forever. That doesn’t mean they gain it all back, or that they fail.

Some do hit their target and stay there….and god fucking bless them. I thought that was me. I really *really* did. But I’ve got bigger demon’s to fight. And here come the confessions:

I’ve talked about depression here…blah. blah, blah…ever overweight person has depression. I’m just another. Yet…mine was critical. I tried to kill myself more times than I can count (sorry mom). I took tests, mental and physical. Come to find out…I’m naturally crazy!! HA!! I have a very, very low serotonin level. SO all those years of me trying to slit my wrists the wrong way had a reason to the rhyme. I'm proud to say I no longer want to dabble with death, but I still have my bouts of depression for sure.

I grew up having to deal with being sexually assaulted/abused for a bit…but I don’t let that define me NOW. But it has….and it’s still in the back of my mind at times. But I can’t let it define me. That doesn’t define my SeXAY!!!!

My father….my life…my hero…..the man who caused me the most pain in my life…..died when I was just 10….and it took my breathe away. I was so young, yet I felt my life stop. Yet….he was the worst person I have had in my life to date.

Oh wait….Did I mention how I went back to Weight Watchers in 2009 but then my mom had to undergo EXTEREME Brain surgery. Yeah…1/2 her skull replaced….my rock…..having to do that….HA!! This is a joke right?!

These are thing I deal with….they are not weight related. The scale can not measure them.

They don’t make me special….they just show that this isn’t an A to Z fix.

But something taught me that I was better. Something taught me that no matter what I could over come it all. Something taught me that even if I don’t track this week, or the next week, or the week after that….it will ALWAYS be there for me when I am ready….

Even when I fall…And even as a Weight Watchers “Spokesperson” I will fall… Even the ones right who are ON TOP OF THEIR GAME….I love you…but you too will cross a tough bridge….we all do.

This is life. We fall, We get up. Over and Over and Over and Over again…

You only fail when you stop trying.

Boil Me….

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I haven’t ran more than 3 miles in….

well….

wait…..let me sip of my beer…..l….2….

um……

a while……

But this Sunday I am going to run the Utica Boilermaker 15K….

and it wont be my best time, 

but….

it will be my best effort for RIGHT NOW,

This weight…..this lifestyle…..this mentality…..

this will be my best.

And I have a choice….I could give up and not do it at all…..

or I could go, scream “I’M SUZI MOTHERFUCKING STORM….I BELIEVE IN WEIGHT WATCHERS…I BELIEVE…….”…and run until I die….

here’s to hoping I don’t die…..

 

….If I don’t die I promise fun posts with pictures and updates on what I’ve been doing in the meantime…

Once upon a time…

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Once upon a time…

I updated this damn blog.

But before all of that…

Once upon a time…

I was a girl, who wasn’t comfortable in her skin.

I was a girl who wanted better in her life.

Then I became a girl, who opened her life for all to see.

No hiding, No shame. No secrets.

Years prior I kept closed, not because of my weight, but because of personal reasons…then…

I let all doors open.

And while I was excited. It terrified me,

but I let myself bleed.

I lost weight….I hit goal…I hit lifetime….BAM!!!!!

I’M GOING TO NYC!! I’M GOING ON OPRAH!! I’M GOING TO LA!!

I’M A MOTHER FUCKING SUCCESS STORY!!!!!!!

And here I am… 30-40 lbs heavier…feeling lost every day.

Maybe I have fucked up. Maybe my story being shared with Weight Watchers will end. Maybe you wont see me on TV, in a magazine, or in your mail. Maybe I really did blow it all.

But….I’d say that is lying because I didn’t  blow it all.

Blowing it all would be giving up. It would be quitting, And I REFUSE TO QUIT!!

I am still a Weight Watchers member and will be until the day I die. I will never quit. I will never give up.  Even at our highest, we tend to fall. I WILL get back up.

This is a journey. It is a lifestyle. It doesn’t happen over night. It doesn’t happen in a year.

Seriously…this blog needs to lighten the fuck up.

Stay tuned…..

Weighing In

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Tonight I am going back to my Thursday night Weight Watchers meeting. The same one I have been attending for almost 4 years.
Tonight I am weighing in for the first time in a month.

Tonight the scales will be up. They will be up a significant amount. No not 101 lbs up, not even half of that or close to that. But they will up and it won’t be pretty. (I’m estimating 15-20)

And I don’t care. Because I'm moving away from treating myself poorly.

Tonight I am weighing in for me, and only for me. The same reason I used to get on the scales weekly. I’m not weighing in because it’s corporate policy. I’m not weighing in because of maintaining Lifetime status.

I am weighing in for me.

It is time to put myself first again. It’s time to stop being so serious. It’s time to stop feeling ashamed and embarrassed. It’s time to take back control. It's time really be *me* again.

And because I know myself and I know what I have learned from Weight Watchers…I do not want to turn 15-20 into 35-40, and 55-60 and 75-80 and 95-100.

I love myself and I deserve the best!!

So tonight I will be brave!! Tonight I will stand with my head up high and accept that I made poor choices. I will accept that the past is the past and I can’t do anything about it….but change my present.

I am ready to move forward. I am ready to start tracking again, moving again, and making smart choices again. I am ready to be the me I have forgotten to be these past few months.


Tonight I am weighing in for me, and only for me. I am awesome.

Crazy is as Crazy does…

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So..

I kind of did something super stupid today.

Remember last year when I ran my first marathon in horrendous conditions.

(Remember all the awesome stuff that happened afterwards)

((insert all the eye rolls to my super awesome hyper links here))

Yeah….well……you see…..

I done gone stupid again.

I don’t know if it’s the fact that I feel I have no motivating factors with me anymore (yes), or the need to have a goal again (yes), or the want to have a better full marathon experience (yes), but something inside tells me that I *have* to do this. 

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That’s right folks…

I am running the Wineglass Marathon AGAIN, my 2nd full marathon,

this year on September 30th!!

Again, plan or no plan. Again, fully ready or not…this race is my destiny.  It’s my legacy in a way…considering we don’t get big marathons around here.  I won’t travel that far away for a full…fuck…I don’t even want to do a full locally, but I’m going to do it.

Why??

Because sometimes…we have to push our ourselves. 

Because sometimes…we need to strive for something more.

Because sometimes.. we cut our selves short.

Because sometimes… We are far more awesome than we give our selves credit for.

Because sometimes… we’ve been screwing around off program far too long enough…

Training plan. No training plan. I will run this 26.2 just like I ran the last…

With heart, determination, and pure craziness.

For all of you, for my friends, for my family, but most of all…for ME…

Hopefully this time I won’t get deathly sick, but a who knows what kind of outcome will enter my life this time

I’m pretty sure nothing will beat last time or live up to it but hey,

I like to beat myself up a little Winking smile xoxo 

It’s not easy…

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I don’t know where to begin…

I’ve been 10 lbs or so lbs over my goal weight…I’m almost 30 lbs from my NYC shoot….

The #’s are nothing to me. It’s how I  feel.

And I feel like fucking shit!!

I remember when maintenance was such a light…such a joy!! I had made it!! This was my time to live…in my new body…my new soul…my new ME!!

ENJOY IT NOW!!  Because I am sorry but one thing I learned…a year in WW maintenance  is NOTHING!! I was on cloud 9 too, taking TONS of pictures, GLOATING about how GREAT I felt…it gets old…it gets common…this is the real situation…the stigma wears off…

I thought I had the system beat…people who lose weight and regain it.  I thought, given EVERYTHING amazing that has happened to me, that I beat the fall back…

You don’t know….you just don’t know…

I’m so lost.

I don’t regret or want to take back ANYTHING I have done for WW…everytime someone writes, tweets, FB, ANYTHING about seeing me in a WW ad, I get giddy and excited!! I could NOT be more proud!!
THAT’S MY LIFE!!  I LOVE AND LIVE WEIGHT WATCHERS!!

But people struggle….

more than a pound or two….

people struggle…

pressure…its hard. I feel I need to be perfect for you guys, even though I’ve never fucking been perfect.

I feel:
  • embarrassed
  • ashamed
  • scared
  • frustrated
  • scared
  • angry
  • pissed
  • violate
  • scorn
  • disappointed
  • depressed
  • upset
  • sad
  • numb
  • hopeful
  • rock bottom
  • not good enough
  • not worthy
  • not sexy
  • not beautiful
MOTHER FUCKING ANGRY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I don’t like this…I don’t like these feelings…and while I like angry…I like it at everyone but myself.  I can always help everyone else, but I can never seem to help myself. Maybe I need to step in…again…

**Edit: Thank you so much to every one for their kind words. You have no idea how much it means to me to have all of your support, and knowing that I'm not alone. I woke up wondering if I should take this post down, but I've never done that before and I don't intend to start now. Writing this was helpful for me. And while it's painful to read over, it's made me realize that I have to be more honest with myself and that I need to take care of *me*.  I didn't gain 101 lbs back...I didn't gain half of that back...I gained a little, and I've learned A LOT.  I know what I need to do to get back to my goal weight and most importantly, I know what I need to do to feel like my happy, beautiful self again. XOXO

Weight Loss Boss

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Sometimes things happen in my life that I just can’t seem to grasp….

an engagement,

a national campaign,

TV spots, Magazine Ad’s, online features…

It still till this day seems like a dream.  I don’t know if it will EVER hit me. 

The other day while driving to work, I turned to Frankie (who for the record was driving so no harm was potentially done to fellow drivers) and said “OH MY GOD” and I began to sob…

then it hit me…I’ve been online, I’ve been on TV, I’ve been in magazines and now…

I’m in a book!!!!

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I am BEYOND THE MOON happy to say that I am part of this amazing book!! I can not believe that I was asked to be part of something so special and I still can’t believe it’s happening.  Another amazing piece in this amazing puzzle.

Here’s the thing…I could tell you to go out and buy this book JUST because I’m in it, but there are SO many other reasons why you should (none of which I get paid for by the way so you buying this book is just awesome…it doesn’t help my wallet at all so that’s not why I’m writing this post…however if you want to give me $$ email me. We can work something out)…

Here is the synopsis of the book:

LEARN HOW HE LOST WEIGHT AND IS KEEPING IT OFF
In this surprising memoir, Kirchhoff chronicles his slide from lanky kid to officially obese 34 year old, his struggles to maintain a healthy relationship with food and his quest to find an exercise regimen that sticks.
Sprinkled among the blunt confessions, hard-won knowledge and weight-loss science, you'll also find inspiring profiles of the struggles and success stories of everyday Weight Watchers members and celebrity friends (
I’m pretty sure they are talking about me here ;P), including an original piece by Weight Watchers ambassador for men, Charles Barkley.

Why am I so proud to part of this book:

  1. Well…it has ME in it…lets not be stupid here people. That’s fucking awesome!!
  2. Kiss ass but total honest moment…David Kirchhoff has paved a new path for Weight Watchers.  One that I have followed and hopefully helped to have many follow.  This isn’t your grandma’s program anymore (though we love our gram's!!).  He has taken WW and transformed it into something bigger and better.  He has expanded the traditional barriers of a CEO and has embraced the people…the people who make the company that he is CEO of a success!! And he knows it.  He may be the CEO of WW, but he is a member first and he never forgets it.  As a woman in business, he is a man and leader that I look up to.  And listen here Mr. K…I’m kind of after your job. I’m a littler bit hotter and I’m pretty sure I can drink you under the table..so watch out Winking smile
  3. SO many amazing, inspirational REAL stories!! This book is REAL!! Real stories…real struggles…real solutions!!
  4. More inspiration to motivate my community!! Since the commercials, it’s been AMAZING to see the local response.  I haven’t even done local news or newspapers but people heard & know. The amount of people that have joined WW since seeing my commercial is AMAZING.  And hearing members stories & talking to them, giving them hope…I love what I’m hopefully doing for CNY. 
  5. Um….the BEST part of this book… WeightLossBoss_B_08

THAT’S RIGHT!!!!!! ALL the profits go to the amazing No Kid Hungry Campaign. This is a HUGE deal for me, as over the past year I have become more aware and more active in this disgusting epidemic that is effecting our country.  So for me to be part of something that is HELPING this cause…well, I could not ask for more.

The book comes out May 8th.  You can pre-order it here:

WeightLossBoss_B_05

WeightLossBoss_B_06

Don’t just order it because I’m in it (or do). Don’t just order it because a great man wrote it (or do).  Don’t just order it because it’s Weight Watchers related (or do).

Order it because it’s just another amazing anchor that Weight Watchers provides to you to continue on the amazing journey you are on to becoming a more happy and healthy you!! And just think about what your purchase gives…IT GIVES BACK!!

And for a limited time I’m willing to sign copies of the book for a meer $100.00.  I would charge less..but you know…I’m kind of a big deal.

OK FINE….I will do it for free….jeez you guys are cheap. I’m still a big deal!!

Dear Beer

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Dear Beer-
Hey. It’s Suzi. I’d ask you how you are but I already know the answer…you’re good. Real good. Too good.

You know, I bought my very first homebrewing kit so I can make some of your delicious, magical ale myself!! I am *very* excited about this. It is just another way for me to show my love for you.

However, I write this letter with a bit of regret.

You see, I’ve been sick for a while now. And during that sickness, I turned to you, a lot. And not your light friends. I turned to your heavy, golden, hoppy friends. Even while on all my medications to get rid of the crazy flu/bronchitis/sinus infection crap, I still cradled up with you on the couch. Hoping that you would give me ease.

Well I have to face the fact that you are not giving me ease. You tempted me with your evil ways and I once again fell into a trap that I was in many years ago. Remember that time?? When I was 101 lbs heavier than I am now…yeah, that time. You’re making me make bad choices, be lazy, and feel yucky.

So I have to change the rules of our relationship. Of course, I’m not giving you up completely…let’s not get silly here. But it looks like I’m back to your light brews for a little while. Actually I think I will wait to have my next craft beer until it’s *MY* craft beer!!

This isn’t the first time I have had to alter our relationship. I’ve written a similar letter like this before. I know you will be upset & you will try to tempt me each and every day, but deep down I know that this is something I need to do. Not to just lose the 10 lbs I’ve put back on (thanks to being sick mostly) but just to feel better about myself & get back into my normal, healthy routines.

You and I need to learn to be ying & yang again. And we will. I know we can make this work since we have so many times in the past.

With Love- Suzi
Xoxo

This is not for me!!

13 comments
My god…I need to hire someone to do my blog posts apparently.  Fuck, am I lazy or what?!

Here comes the part where I blame it on weather, the season, my being sick with the flu….much hasn’t changed since my last blog post huh?? Eh…it has gotten better.  A bit.

Then there was tonight…

I recently, officially, became a Weight Watchers leader.  And just this past week, I was blessed with my very first OWN meeting,

I met with them tonight…staying quite.  Even though my poster hung in front of all of them and they looked and me puzzled, I didn’t say a word.  I waited and waited…then it came.  The leader now is moving and it was sad, and very emotional.  Some will go, most will stay with me I hope. 

I hear things like “Oooh, we have a celebrity leader!!” which made me giggle.  How sweet.
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The thing is…I felt at peace with these people at once.  They started talking about drinking wine (I’m sorry…HELLO?!) and their energy was contagious.  I fell in love with them instantly.  They kept joking joking about alcohol and I said “Oh group..you have no idea…this may turn into an AA meeting, not a WW meeting” LMAO!! They loved that.  I’m good at charm Winking smile

Something in my snapped…this isn’t about me.  This meeting isn’t about me.  It’s about them.  A woman was so brave enough to come up to me and tell me what she and her friend are looking for…homework!! I like it!!  Two others gave me a hug…

This meeting is not about me.

I’ve been a WW member for 3 and 1/2+ years….

This meeting is not about me.

Then it hit me.

When I chose to be on your meetings wall, on your TV, in your magazine… I chose to not have it be all about me.

Still, I need my outlet.  I need someone smacking me and telling me to knock it off, but…

I signed up to help all of YOU.  I signed up to show you that even “famous” ones screw up, get lost, and get back on track.  Weight loss is not perfect.  Life is not perfect.  If it was…we’d all be those hot bikini shots plastered every where, lol.

This seems like a hard task to burden...and it is.  But I know that this is the task I wish to carry out.  It wont always be perfect, or even meet within their guidelines, but it's a task I will never quite on, never give up on...never fight for.

I will find my own meeting again. (Kinda hard to do when you are plastered IN the meeting…but at the same time, I’m not complaining…I’m leaving the meeting I’ve attended for 3+ years, but that’s another blog post…good for long time WW members…)

But…

THIS IS FOR YOU!!!!! That’s *why* I do this!!

Being able to lead this group is one of the happiest things to happen in my life!!  I feel blessed and honored and deep down, minus my fears and anxiety, I know that this is for me. I am meant to do this.  This is my path. 

And it could be yours….

I'm ready for Tuesdays!!!!

Failing

39 comments
fail•ing n.


1. The act of a person or thing that fails; a failure.

2. A minor fault.

Some people say that failure is not an option. Other’s say that they don’t use the word “fail” in their life.

I would like to, and I believe on occasion I have, said the very same things. But truth is…I feel like a failure lately.

Everyone always says that one of the things that they love about this blog is my honesty. My willingness to admit when I have fucked up.  While it's something that I admire about myself too, it's not always so easy to be honest and open, not just with all of you but with myself as well.  In fact, I've been hiding a lot of stuff lately.  But enough is enough and maybe I need to do what has always worked, and just put it out there. Well ladies and gentleman, here’s some deep-cut honesty for you…

Truths:

-I have gained every single month since October
-I am currently 13 lbs above my goal weight (20 from where I was this time last year, but I was also 10 lbs under my goal weight so I try not to count that)
-My drinking has been WAY out of control. And when I say WAY I mean, WAY!!
-I haven’t exercised in about a month.
-None of my pants or skirts fit right, so I wear leggings pretty much every day.
-I feel like I weigh 252 lbs again on most days lately.
-I feel like everyone looks at me like I failed since I put on the weight (yes, I know it’s “only” 13 lbs, but again, it feels like 101). I feel like everyone see's a "chubby Suzi" now.
-I’ve been trying to get on track for 2 months now. I’m good for about 3 days, then it all goes to hell again.
-When I get home, I go straight into my pajamas. You know in my Weight Watcher commercial I say that “I don’t have to do any of it in sweat pants!” Yeah well…apparently I don’t want to anything but wear sweat pants as of late.
-Some weekends lately, I don’t even get dressed, unless it’s to go to the store to buy more beer.
-I’ve distanced myself as of lately from this blog not because I’ve been SO busy but because I feel like writing about anything positive or upbeat would be lying to you all.
-I’ve had about 2,689,964 epiphanies or moments of “aha!” since December, only to lose them in about 5 minutes.
-All my mental talk is negative. It is rare that I say or think something nice about myself lately.

I’m sure I could go on and on with this list. I could go into the reasons of why I maybe feel like this…the weather, stress, work, too much celebrating all the blessing’s I have had this year.

I could go into the things I plan to do to fix it. Take more time for myself doing something other than sitting on the couch, cutting back my drinking, exercising again, going back to the roots of the Weight Watchers program and using the tools they provide us with to reframe and storyboard a new path, Et cetera Et cetera.

I can tell you what I definitely could do….

I could definitely stop beating my self up. I could stop being so fucking hard on myself and just accept it. It is what it is and I can not go back and change the past. I can not. I can sit here and constantly beat myself up over and over and over again and keep making negative comments about myself…but where is that going to take me?? What is that going to achieve?? NOTHING. Nothing but more bad behaviors, nothing but more self hate, nothing but more sadness and stress around my life, nothing but more added pounds.

I need to accept that I can’t fix this over night and that the problems won’t fix themselves. I have the power to change my actions. I have to accept and acknowledge that I will slip from time to time but that is not a reason to go into a complete downward spiral for the rest of the week. I need to forgive myself.

I need to believe in myself again. Because I *AM* awesome. Because I do *NOT* want to feel like a failure. Because I will *NEVER* go back to being the person I was.

I have been on this journey for over 3 years….this is my first real, big fall since becoming a Lifetime member in December of 2010 (actually my first gain since then came in November of last year). I can probably bet that it won’t be my last. I know I will come out of this stronger and wiser than before.

I want to go back to being the fabulous version of myself…so therefore….I will!!

*Bloggers Edit: I meant to add that personally, I am *very* happy. I have A LOT of amazing things going on in my life right now...I just got engaged to the man I love more than anything, a lot of great & amazing feedback from the beautiful Weight Watcher commercials I am honored to be a part of, My leader training is just about complete, I have great friends that I am making more of an effort to connect with on a regular basis.  This year had started out with a bang and so many amazing things are happening that I never even dreamed would ever come true. All this negativity and hate I am feeling is towards the way I am treating myself, not my environment.*

Wow!!

19 comments
I can not believe that I haven't blogged in almost a month. I am so, SO sorry.  There are probably some reasons why, which I will be blogging about very, very shortly (struggles, deamons, embarssment...I will be touching on it all). I hope you all stick around and keep following me, because I promise to get back on the blog wagon soon.  You know I've always said that I would rather put a few really good posts a month rather than a shitty one daily.

Even this post doesn't count as a "post"...and if you follow me on Twitter or Facebook you are going to say "Jesus Suzi, shut up already". 

But for those of you who do not I have some news to share (and this one you don't have to wait months to find out)....

I'M ENGAGED!!!!!
Please do not pay attention to that crack-whorish looking pinky nail. I woke up with the polish all chipped & been to lazy to fix it.

Words can not express how happy I am.  I never dreamed that this would happen to me. Of course I will have a little recap on Valentines Day like I do each year (and yes, he propsed to me on Valentines Day!!).

And that's a 3/4 carat diamond right there.....my man did good. REAL good!! ;)

Thanks to every one so far who has sent their congratulations and the more that will follow. XOXO



Photo from this past Summer, because again, I'm lazy & haven't uploaded this years V-Day pictures.


If you just *smile*….

22 comments

Recently for an interview I was asked “What physical part of you’re self do you love the most about the “new” you”… I answered this:

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DSC00709DSC00765DSC00002 (640x480)5483138645_1c3246d578 (2)SusanB_318_after - Copy (144x174) (2)91wrn

SuziShot2

My SMILE!! 28 years later, thanks to Weight Watchers, I found *my* smile (again apparently) …

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How I Became a “Believer”

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Well, I guess the secret to how I became a Weight Watchers “Believer” is not really much of a secret at all…I joined WW on September 18th, 2008 and lost 101 lbs on their program.  I became a Lifetime member on December 23rd 2010 and have managed to keep my weight off for slightly over a year now. But you all know this already.

This is the story of how I became one of the faces in their beautiful BELIEVE campaign….

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My story really starts in January of 2011.  Day’s before I got an email asking me if I would be interested in becoming a Weight Watcher success story for their online site (which of course I said “HELL YEAH!!”).  A few days prior I saw that they were casting for their upcoming TV commercials.  I said to myself “Suzi…you just hit your Lifetime status…You’ve lost 101 lbs…why not give it a shot!?”  So I broke out of my comfort zone and made a little video thing.  I didn’t go all the way through the video application process because I didn’t think you could put the application on hold.  So I did this whole video talking about my journey & success.  Come to find out they wanted a video talking about the new Points Plus system...Oops. 

I started to wonder if I got this email asking about doing the online success story from submitting my video & maybe I just wasn’t good enough for TV.  Come to find out this person found my story through my blog & didn’t have anything to do with the casting for the commercial.  I kind of had a sigh of relief that I wasn’t out of the running yet.

Then it happened.  The night before I was to fly out to NYC I got an email.  It was from someone at WW saying that they received my application and they were interested in seeing me audition but they needed my weight record.

I was in shock. I was in panic. I had SO much to do.

I ended up spending all night looking for places to scan my weight record but had no luck.  So I woke up extra early before my already very early flight to NYC and stopped at work to scan them there and email them off.

I arrived in NYC…one of the best experiences in my life.  Then I got an email from WW the very next morning before heading out to my photo shoot.

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They needed ALL my weight records.  Not just my current one.  I must have misread it with being in such a hurry and with so much on my mind.  All I could think of at that moment was “I’m screwed”.

I had to somehow find THREE YEARS worth of my WW records and get them mailed off ASAP…even though I was 5+ hours away from home and wouldn’t be there for another day.  I felt I was doomed.

As soon as I got home (2 days later) it was the first thing I did.  Thankfully I had actually kept all of my records.  I went to work, scanned and emailed them right off.

A few weeks later I received the automated email they send out to all the people who did not make the cut for auditions.

I was OK with it.  I thought it was a long shot anyways.  Plus, I just did the NYC shoot with them.  Plus I had the Oprah thing coming up.  Life was going great, with or without the commercial.

Then came August.  I saw that they were casting again.  Somebody told me to try and submit a tape again…so I did. It was always a secret dream in the back of my mind to do this. I just felt like this was for me. Like all those years as a kid spent in chorus, in plays, on the stage…I was meant to do this. So I submitted a video.  I wore the red dress from Valentines Day last year. I had my digital camera propped up against a candy jar (I wanted to be alone for this part) and I told my story again.

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Months went by. Life got a little tough. Money was extra tough.  Marathon coming up was looking tough.  I was bored watching TV and decided to check my email around 9:30 at night. About 5 minutes prior to me checking I received this in my inbox… 

“Dear Susan…We have been trying to reach you for over a week but it seems the phone # we have has been disconnected. We would love to speak to you about the video you submitted for the next Weight Watcher television commercial.  Please give me a call at your earliest convenience.”

My exact words as I dropped my iPod touch were “Oh my god…Ohhhmy god….OH MY GOD!!” (I even got mad at The Frank because he mocked me and seemed uninterested LOL…jokes on him huh)

My earliest convenience was right then and there!! So I called and thankfully the person on the other line wasn’t sleeping.  She said that they loved my video and would love for me to audition.  Could I audition this Sunday??

This Sunday?? You mean, the day I am scheduled to run my very first full marathon?? GULP.

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I explained to her my plans and started to say “but I can…” and she stopped me.  She told me it was fine. I immediately thought “there goes another chance”, when she said “How about Tuesday?”

YES!! I could do Tuesday!!

As soon as I hung up I was elated.  I was in shock and disbelief. I was also in a panic…I have to audition for my dream TWO days after running 26.2 miles for the first time ever in my life.  WOW.

I didn’t sleep much the next few days.  Between that news and the upcoming marathon I was a ball of...I don’t even know what…Nerves?? Excitement??

I’m not going to lie…this news really carried me through those miles at the Wineglass Marathon.  When I was start focusing on the weather (abnormal cold, heavy winds, ice cold rain) or how my hip (slightly injured) felt I would adjust my focus back onto the possibility of this commercial. Without a doubt, this news helped me cross that finish line.

So Tuesday finally came.  My audition was in downtown Syracuse (about 10 minutes from me) in the afternoon.  It would be a video conference with the Manhattan casting agency.  I was hurting. I was sore. I could barely stand. But there I stood in 5 inch heels waiting…and waiting….and waiting….Malfunction with the web cam. I was too nervous to sit though. I was too scared of wrinkling my blouse. I was too scared the thing would turn on and I would be crying in pain. So I just stood there, with blood filling up in my shoes because they were so swollen & in so deformed, trying to hold back the tears of pain. They auditioned someone else while I waited for them to fix whatever problems.  There was talk of them rescheduling me…but 45 minutes later, we got it working.   

I tried my best.  I gave it my best. I tried to be myself as best I could considering how I felt. I left there feeling proud that I was able to give that much, but  I didn’t think I had a shot in hell.

Then I got a call two days later to come back for a 2nd and final audition. I couldn’t believe it. (ha…Believe…get it??)

Now I had to go and be awesome in front of the producers…with the worst cold I’ve had in years (thank you Corning, NY for the great weather marathon day!!).

So I showed up for my second audition, in the same clothes I wore to the last one.  Only this time I came armed with a package of Halls Cough Drops and a box of tissues.  I felt like death.  But again, I gave it my all.  The very best that I could do considering how I felt.  On my way there a man stopped me on the street and said “I just want to tell you that you are so beautiful”.  I almost cried. I didn’t really feel beautiful that day, but I held onto his words going into the audition. 

I left feeling like maybe this COULD happen.  Maybe it was GOING to happen.  But I was still so unsure.  I still didn’t feel on top of my game.

Then, on October 18th, the day before my birthday….I got the call at work.  I happened to be out back in an area of the warehouse where no one was taking a check list of calendar supplies.  I heard the loudspeaker say that I had a call.  I rarely get calls.  I decided to just pick the phone up back there.

It was one of the ladies from the agency. But not the one I had been dealing with. My heart sank. 
“Susan…It’s “insertnamehere”…I have great news…..”

I finally Believed…and proceeded to bawl like a little girl.     

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Some is better than none

15 comments
Exercise…..ugh…..exercise.
It seems to be my greatest affair, or my worst enemy. For months, I will say ever a couple of years it was my EVERYTHING. I don’t think I went more than 2 days without getting some kind of workout in. And “some kind” of workout was usually at least a 3 mile run, at minimum. Because I trained myself to believe that anything less than 3 miles didn’t count.

Honestly, Exercise has been on the back burner ever since my Marathon in October. I thought after the marathon I would get bit by the running bug again, since I lost some of my passion for it during the summer, but no bug bit me.

Which brings me to today…

As I have shared. The end of November through beginning of January has been a little rough. I haven’t been following WW as well as I should and normally do. I’ve let a couple of lbs creep on. I let exercise become a faint memory. What?? I ran a marathon a few months ago??

BUT…I have taken back control!! I’ve been tracking like a fool, staying within my DPV (daily points values) and I haven’t had a beer since Sunday night. GO ME!! I’m feeling awesome and more like myself than I had the past few weeks.

I’ve even been working out a little bit, slowly adding it back into my routine as not to overwhelm myself as I tend to do sometimes. Right now I’ve been focusing more on what I’m eating & putting into my body with working out being next in line.

Running has still not caught up to me yet. Mind you, I’m not having issues with running more than 3 miles. Of course, it all pretty much has to be done on a treadmill because I do not like to run in the dark where I live and that’s really my only option. I don’t mind the treadmill though. But I’ve been switching it up and have been rocking it out on the elliptical lately as well. It’s been a nice change of pace.

But sometimes I think to myself “Suzi, you only ran a damn mile” or “Suzi, you only worked out for 20 minutes”.

I never in a million years thought I would get to a point in my life where I would say I’ve ONLY ran a mile and not been happy about it.

So here is where I’ve adopted a new mantra…”1 mile is better than 0 mile!”

Pop Quiz Time:

Is it better to-

A.) Sit on the couch tipping back yet another beer or

B.) Getting mildly sweaty on the elliptical for 20 minutes (I know, this one is kind of a trick question)


Is it better to-

A.) Do Walk/Run intervals for 2-3 miles or

B.) Sit in bed & read blogs about other people exercising.

Sometimes going “all or nothing” works, and sometimes it doesn’t. I’m at a point right now where all or nothing is not really sticking with me, so I’m breaking the mentality of what is “enough” and going with what feels best. Sure, the 2 mile run and 20 minute elliptical may not be the greatest sweat session that my old 8 mile runs would bring on, but I know that by getting myself back into my routine, I will be back to my “no less than 3” mentality sooner than I probably think.

When I am there getting my ½ hour workout in, someone else is out there eating a bag of Fritos. And I hate them, because I want some Fritos damnit, but I want to feel like my awesome self even more. And I want beer. Beer trumps Fritos every time…unless I’ve had too many beers.

I want to take a minute to thank The Anti-Jared again for his beautiful post yesterday. It was extremely nice of him to write such sweet words about me. Glad to call him a friend!!  And and enourmous thank you to all of YOU for your never ending love and support. XOXO

Dear @k8thulu …

32 comments
(Dear everyone else first, to understand this blog post here’s a little background for you…Earlier this afternoon I tweeted the following which lead to the following response from someone who was following me:

TwitterConversation

That then led her to post this on her blog which can be read by clicking here. (*Please Note: Her blog post has since been edited*)

Now, I feel it is only fair to express *my* opinion as well.  I am not angry with her…every one is entitled to their own opinion.  So this is mine….I normally don’t respond to anything like this, but when you attack something I feel so strongly about I feel I have a right to respond…)

Kate, no need to be sorry for your snarky remark. I would say that I am sorry for the increase in WW posts but that would be a lie.  Considering I am IN the new WW #Believe campaign, it would only make sense that I would promote it proudly.  It is, other than my weight loss, the proudest thing I have done to date.  I will be screaming it to the high heavens for as long as I can and as I said last week on Twitter, if no one likes it then too bad.  Unfollow, as you did, because it is as simple as that.  Because I will always stand up for what I believe in. 

Congratulations to your mother for losing 101 lbs. Having lost that same amount myself I know that it is no small feat.  I’m sure that the years she spent leading WW meetings were quite impactful on the members that came through that door.  However, I will not comment on her position within the WW corporation since I do not know the reasons why they made her stop leading and took her meetings away.  It is unfortunate that she had to lose a long time leader & friend…that happened to me last year and it can be a very difficult transition.

I did WW for the first time ever back in 2005…I lost 55 lbs. 

Then I gained it all back, PLUS another 50. 

Was that WW’s fault?? NO.  Did WW make me stop going to meetings?? NO.  Did WW put fatty burgers, fries & beer down my throat every night?? NO

So who’s fault was it….IT WAS MINE!!

Now I’m not saying that it’s your mother’s fault as to why she has gained weight and is no longer at goal.  You spoke of medical issues dealing with a bad knee and shoulder, all of which can definitely hinder weight loss and/or maintenance.  But none of that is WW fault.  Obviously your mother knows the program works and *believes* it works because she continues to go each week.  When I strayed a little from goal weight I have felt the same as she has…failure. But I can’t blame that on WW.  I blame that on myself and the things that I am not doing that I know I *should* be doing.  In my eyes the only one calling your mom a failure was herself (according to you) and well, you. She sounds like a fighter who isn’t giving up….that’s not failure. It may *feel* like it because she’s not seeing the results she wants, but that’s not failure. 

When we did this Believe campaign we were not telling the public “Believe you can lose weight or you suck if you don’t.” we are telling you to BELIEVE IN YOURSELF.  If you mom believes she can, just like you say she does, then she WILL do it!! Never give up, never back down, never stop fighting…BELIEVE IN YOURSELF.

You don’t have to care about Jennifer Hudson.  She wasn’t what started me on my journey.  But I respect a woman who chooses to make a healthier life not only for herself but for her son and the rest of her family as well.  After meeting and working with her I have a lot more respect for her.

She was happy in her old body, yes….You know (here comes the dead daddy card…) what….

My father was happy being over 350 lbs and didn’t care one fucking bit about losing weight and guess where that got him??  Dead of a heart attack at the age of 34, leaving his 10 year old daughter behind.  Maybe if programs like WW did these kind of campaigns (especially the ones with Charles Barkley) 18 years ago my father would have changed his tune a bit. Maybe. But I don’t believe he was a failure. That was his choice.

My mother has gone back and forth to WW more times than I know. Successful each and every time.  It hasn’t always “worked” for her obviously, but again, that’s not WW fault. Funny because, since these new campaigns started she’s thinking about going back…Hmmmmm. Is she going to be a failure if it doesn’t work long term again this time Kate?  

Sure, Weight Watchers doesn’t work for everyone.  No plan works for everyone. But some people Kate, want to believe that this will work for them, and that doesn’t make them idiots or future failures.   

I do not need to set a better example.  I couldn’t be more fucking proud of the example I set for everyone online or in my real life.  I AM A LIFETIME WEIGHT WATCHER MEMBER. I BELIEVE IN THE WEIGHT WATCHERS PROGRAM. I BELIEVE IN MYSELF.

You don’t have to believe in me or believe in Weight Watchers Kate, you can just flip the page when you see my ad or press the fast forward button when my commercial’s comes on. 
xoxo-Suzi
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