It’s a beautiful day…

Today the type of days I dream of…

Mid 60’s, early 70’s ALL DAY LONG….low humidity…just a couple of cute passing clouds in the sky…no rain, but hey, even if it did sprinkle, no bother.

Today reminded me of Autumn…my favorite season.  And with my favorite season brings my favorite holiday, Halloween, and my birthday (October 19th…the most bad-ass day of the year ;) and a climate and smell to the air that brings nothing but peace and calm that no other season can bring.

This Autumn also brings my first full marathon.

So one would ask…”well, you must have gone running on this seemingly perfect day right?!?!”

NO!!

Instead I sat my lazy ass on the couch & thought about how beautiful it was and thought about how much I should/wanted to be out there.

I came to a realization today…a deep one.  Earlier on Twitter I posted things that I miss, and I said : I miss Airplanes, NYC, excitement and running for fun/pleasure.

That is SO true….and just typing those words made me open my eyes.

I have always said since day 1 that I am NOT a long distance runner.  I have no desire to follow training plans, or do Ultras, or run 100 miles a week…

And this my friends, is the answer to why I haven’t worked on my marathon training.

Do I want to run a 26.2…yes, I do….

Do I want to do it this year…..I did….

Do I still want to….yes, just to say I did and get it done with….no other reason!!

I miss going out after work and running 3-6 miles because I WANTED TOO!! I miss running because I felt like it, not because I felt like I HAD to!!  I miss running without aches and pains…because the aches and pains mean that I am running towards something that I’m fighting against…I know my body.

I’m not going to blame social media….or others….not even on myself. 

People change….GOALS change….even within an 8 month time.  8 months ago….my life turned upside down and things havent been the same.  *I* havent been the same…not in a bad way, just in a crazy, hectic, wtf do I do now way!?

I’m going to do the marathon I October, because I set out to do it….I made a commitment to myself.  Do I love it as much today as I did 8 months ago…no.  Will I be all “OMG IM SO HAPPY I DID IT I FEEL SO MUCH BETTER IM SO BLESSED” afterwards…eh, not unless I’m drunk….

But I will do it….and I will give it my best.  Because I know that I *DESRVE* the best.  So from here on out…I’m not going to fake it or make myself believe something I truly don’t believe.  I don’t care if I only run 2 miles between now and October 2nd.  I want to run because I *want* to run…I want to run because I *want* choose to….not because I feel like I have to or should.

Sometimes, we stop listening to ourselves…and that is when we start to fall apart.

The day I chose the darkside…

Today, I had a choice…

My legs were feeling better after this weekend Turning Stone Races 1/2 marathon (well due blog recap coming up on that race)…and according to my super late marathon training, I should be running miles and miles today. 

But I didn’t.

Instead I chose beer(s), and a pain killer. 

Oh please, don’t give me a lecture and don’t call the Betty Ford clinic.

The thing is. Life is hell for me right now (you can say this is a pity party, but we are really going through some tough shit right now).  I can’t (and wont) go on as to why here out in the blog, but I’m about two steps (ok, more like 1/2 a step) away from totally, completely losing my shit.  Everyday I have panic attacks and pains in my stomach that feel like an ulcer going.  I shake so badly from my nerves that I didn’t even feel that earthquake the other day when everyone else in my office had.  And I’m dry heaving at work in the bathroom.

It happens.

Is it another excuse??  Maybe. 

One thing I did learn from the race this weekend….I do not love running like I used to.

That is yet another reason why I feel like completely losing my shit.

I haven't been blogging as much lately…is everything that’s going on in my life another excuse for that?? Probably. 

But just like you, I am human.  And just like you, I handle things in my own fucked up way that is not always right, and not always what is in my best interest.  Truth is, I know better, yet I chose to take the opposite path.  I can sit here and keep kicking myself or I can say that tomorrow I will just try to deal with it better. 

I am not, nor have I ever been, that person who can always see the light in things, or focus on the positive.  I wish I was.  I’ve tried to train myself to be that way, and in many ways I am *much* better than I was.  But still…I am always waiting for that dark cloud to cover up my sunshine and I will still throw myself my own fabulous pity party.

In the words of Tori Amos… “I’m OK when everything is not OK.”

So in a nutshell…my life feels like shit right now and I refuse to pretend its otherwise.  I refuse to sit here and write a happy go lucky blog post meant to inspire hundreds…because I’m not inspiring right now.  

Truth is though…I MISS being all full of sunshine and happy.  We all do on bad days don’t we??  No one WANTS to be negative and miserable, but sometimes that’s just the way it is!!  And sometimes, no matter how hard we try to force it to be otherwise, we just have to go through the emotions and ride the wave.

I asked people on Twitter what they thought when they saw this picture…this was taken by Frankie while I was at the starting line of the race this past Sunday.  A lot of people said focus, determination, going to kick ass, fierce…..

What do I see….

Some of that, mixed with a lot of sadness and loss and confusion. 

This picture means a lot to me right now because it really sums up a lot of what I am feeling as of late…

I’m not asking for your sympathy or your prayers.  I’m not asking for a single fucking thing.  I guess I just felt bad mostly for not posting, especially for not posting about the positive things that ARE going on in my life (a new kitty, the WM3 are free, my race).  But if you’ve been following me from the start, you know I don’t try to sugar coat things.  This is just how it is right now, but I sure the hell hope to have a much more positive post very, very soon. xoxo 

Things I don’t want to / can’t be…

You might be thinking “Can’t”?! Suzi,,,that’s not in your vocabulary.  And well, you are right…for the most part.

But sometimes in life, you just know that there are certain things in life that you just can’t do…whether it be in that moment or be in that lifetime.  I can’t be an astronaut because I suck ass at math….I can’t become a pure, Christian nun.  Get it??

I really do suck ass at math though, so that might be more of a lifelong can’t. Anywho….

I can’t be that girl that says “Oh I won’t eat that!! Do you know how many calories that is?!”…because in truth, I WANT to eat it, but that doesn’t mean I’m going to.  I’m going to examine why I want it & what that food is going to do for my body…and sometimes, the evil part will win.

I can’t be that person that says “OMG I missed my workout today…I feel SO bad”…because more than likely, I feel bad, but I will get over it, real quick.

I can’t be that person who says “I’ll stop moving when I’m dead”…well A.) because I’m pretty sure I stop moving when I fall asleep and I sure the hell hope I am not dead and B.) Some days…I’m smart and I listen to my body and it says “Suzi…settle the F*ck down & chill out” and you know what…I don’t need to make excuses for that.  There is tomorrow…

I can’t be that person who goes on “meat free”, “dairy free”, “carb free” “purple free” kicks….because I love meat, and cheese and the purple is a rad color. Trends like that, are not for me.  You wont see me do a meat free streak because I don’t want to and I don’t care where that put me on the radar map.

What’s the point of all of this??

BE YOURSELF!!

Don’t follow other people’s views or values if you feel they don’t fit your own.  Not every one is a vegan.  Not everyone is a fitness freak.  Not every one believes in no carbs. NO ONE does every thing right.  In fact, there is no such thing. 

There is only doing what is right for you, and as long as you keep doing that, you are doing it right.

If I had…

If I had…followed a training plan, maybe I wouldn’t be freaking out about not getting miles in for my first full marathon.

If I had…not has those 2 last beers, I wouldn’t feel so yucky today.

If I had…not put all that garbage in my body, you know, the chips & dip, the fried food, pizza, wings and oh, everything else I happened to see that day, I wouldn’t hate the scale so much.

If I had…only went to my Weight Watcher meeting this week.

If I had…only tracked my food last week.

If I had…only went to the gym.

If I had…just said no to that damn cookie!!

If I had…just listened to what I truly wanted to do instead of acting by impulse.

If I had...paid a little more attention to how I feel when I *AM* making the right choices, and a little less attention to the bad ones.

If I had…not put myself second.

If I had…not chosen to be lazy.

If I had…stayed consistent.

If I had…could just let go of yesterday and focus on today.

If I….could just stop caring about the “If I had”

We all have those moments of “If”.  We have them more often than we would like I bet.  And the crappy part about these “If I had” moments, is that they usually hold us back from having “I did” moments. 

You can not change rewrite your past.  What is done and is done, and its my own personal belief that whatever choice you made, happened for a reason.  Maybe not the reason you wanted at that moment, or even right now, but there is a lesson there.  I’ve talked about that here before.  The journey we are on is never ending and there is a new lesson everyday. 

We are in class every day, earning the doctorate to ourselves.

Take the “HAD” out of the equation…because that doesn’t matter any more, and it doesn’t have any impact on tomorrow.

Instead, maybe try this….

If I DO…..


Now onto the Easy Print Canvas Giveaway winner!!  Thank you to everyone who entered and I truly hope you enjoy your brand new awesome canvas!! And the winner is….

SARAH!!

sarah said...

And we're fb friends already.
August 3, 2011 8:12 PM

Congratulations Sarah!! Please make sure to send me your e-mail.  :)

And if you didn’t win, please remember that you can go over to their Facebook Page here and click on ‘Be Our Fan’ to get an awesome discount.  I am going to try & save out a little bit of $$ and get my “after” photo on one of these awesome canvases to show off in my house.  Maybe I should take a picture with me in a smoking jacket holding a glass of brandy….or on top of a lion…Hmmmm, decisions, decisions. 

Honesty with yourself

Truth…Honest…Honesty….

Sometimes, those words fucking suck!!

But most of the times, those are the words, or signals you need to listen to the most.

We like to say…”Oh, well I didn’t have a good week…I wasn’t in the mood to track”

or

“It was too difficult to keep track of what I ate”

or

“Eh, I could have chosen X…but Y was *SO* much easier”

Cut the bullshit!!

I know and YOU know, what the right choice is….we just don’t make it all the time.  In A LOT of cases, we don’t make is MOST of the time.  It happens. SO WHAT…right?!

Right….until it eats at you….until you sit up at night thinking “what the fuck have I don’t and how can I undo it?!?! HOW CAN I GO BACK?!?!”

Thing is….you CANT go back.  There is a reason why you cant….are you ready for this??

You can’t go back, because you haven’t really learned why you need to go forward…

Hail Mary…full of grace…the lord is with thee…..

SO LET ME CONFESS: 

My very first FULL marathon is October 2nd…yup…57 days aways.

Right about now I should be writing to you about how crazy training for a full marathon has been and how it is wreaking havoc on my body and OMG I HAVE NO TIME…blah, blah fuckidy blah….

I havent done any of it.  Of course, I have never followed a training plan BUT…I have always listened to my body…

This time around….I’m listening to my stupid mind.

I need to stop and tell myself…I AM NOT BEING HONEST, I AM BEING LAZY!!!!!!!

Every one has their weakness…we are not always strong…we are not always fabulous…sometimes, we are weak and we need a helping hand…

so I reach up high towards the sky….

In honor of Pele–A Giveaway

Two years ago today, I lost my beloved little girl, Pele.  She was taken from me far too soon (at the young age of 11 years) from Feline Diabetes.

Losing her was one of the hardest things I’ve gone through.  I blogged about this on the one year anniversary but as you can tell, it gets a little easier and easier as the years go by.  I even did yet another special post to her here.  Though, I still can’t think too much about that day she passed.  I just cant.

She was my child.  I actually got her right around the time I found out that I most likely wouldn’t be having children…I consider it a sign really.  Another sign that she truly was “my baby”…well I brought her home on Halloween!! Yes, my favorite holiday, and that’s what the vets listed as her birthday.  She was my everything, and still is.

I even have her name tattooed on me (and I refuse to get living “humans” names on me EVER):


We have a little memorial for Pele in the living room.  As the wounds have healed the memorial has included more special things, like pictures and such.  It holds her ashes, her favorite red bear she always carried around, and a shadowbox with her paw prints in it.



This year it got something special added to it though…

The super kind folks over at Easy Canvas Print contacted me and asked if they could do a canvas print up for me.  I thought this was really neat and different.  I thought to myself “Sure, I can commemorate my weight loss someway”…but I just wasn’t feeling it.  I tried to think of picture that I love enough that I would want memorialized on canvas forever….PELE!!

So I sent them this semi-grainy picture I took (not long before she passed actually) with my old shitty cell phone camera that I don’t even have anymore, and this is the amazing piece that was sent to me:

Here’s a full view of the memorial…


So….the awesome people over at Easy Canvas Prints are letting me turn this somber moment into a cheerful one by giving a canvas print to one of my fabulous blog readers!!  (And no….you don’t have to get a picture of my Pele on your very own canvas, though I wouldn’t blame you if you wanted to…or a picture of me…you know, whatevz)

Here’s how to enter:

1. Go to the Easy Canvas Prints Facebook Page and like them. Then leave me a comment here saying you did so.
2. Follow my blog (leave me a comment saying you do so).
3. Follow me on Twitter (@suzistorm) (leave me a comment saying you do so)
4. Follow me on Facebook…bet you can’t guess what my name is ;) (leave me a comment saying you follow me)
5. Leaving a cute little comment for Pele on here may just get you an extra entry <3

Incase you didn’t get the hint…. Please be sure to leave a comment for each separate entry. 

I’m sorry, but this giveaway is only open to US residents (excluding Hawaii & Alaska).  Contest is open from now until Sunday at Midnight (eastern time).  I will be using a random number generator to pick the lucky winner.

A major thank you again goes out to the great folks at Easy Canvas Prints for making this beautiful piece for me.  I can’t fully ever explain what it means to me and my family to have her big beautiful eyes watching us in some way again.

Pele…mommy loves you and misses you so very much.  XOXO