Tuesday, February 25, 2014
Monday, February 24, 2014
I was stationed at mid-point of the course which means that we saw the runners 4 times. There were 9 of us at the station and everyone was super nice. We are/were runners and we had a great time chatting about races and supporting each other since a few of us are a bit injured. We mixed some sport drink and poured some water like champs!! I couldn’t have asked for a nicer group of people to be with.
Monday, February 17, 2014
Sunday, February 16, 2014
Wednesday, February 5, 2014
Many people know about the shocking death of Phillip Seymour Hoffman.
I have a connection with him…with what he brought to me as a creative human being.
The roles he played inspired me and I always thought the he was insanely courageous for taking on some of them. He inspired me to accept and be ok with the many different “sides” of myself.
Let’s take away the celebrity…the Oscar…the admirations…
This was a man with a disease.
One that he has fought and battled with for so many years. And he won that fight for almost 23 years….almost.
People have called him selfish..they have called him a junkie…a person who thinks of no one but themselves. He had THREE children!!!!!!! He had a partner in life who loved him unconditionally!!!!
How about this..
Call him HUMAN.
He had a choice...like we all do. Sometime we make good ones. Sometimes we don't. Sometimes demons follow us, no matter where we go. And we fight. We fight so, so hard. We try to fight them by projecting them. By suffocating them. By living them at times. He had children. He had people that looked up to him. Idolized him. Needed him. And he selfishly said "NO"...and chose his needles.
Not even his children could save him from that moment…that moment that OVER CAME him. Addiction is a horrible, awful beast. And people think "I made a year clean/sober" and you're good to go...this proves...it's a never ending battle.
We should never judge peoples personal battles.
I have made many choices in my life. Good…and bad. Not all of the “good” choices have led to me “good” things. And not all of the “bad” choices have led me to “bad” choices. Sometimes they have crisscrossed.
What if it was me..
What if I confessed that I have a problem??
If I said “I am an alcoholic”
Would you all react the same way?? Would you say it way my fault??
What if I told you that I was able to control my drinking for 2 years but then relapsed…
What would you say then??
What if I said that I was SO fucking lost that I had no idea where to go??
What if I died tomorrow…
Will a brilliant man with awful demons be laid to rest, or will he continue to be judged by something bigger than you, bigger than me.
Or can we find peace and understanding in knowing that this world is much, much bigger than any of us can ever fully understand.
And that no matter what your addiction is…you have to keep on fighting.
You don’t know everyone’s demons…so never judge.
You all saw my demons catch and regain my weight…
If you saw it catch my death, would it be like this?? Would you think I was weak?? Would you think that I didn’t think of every one and everything??
When it comes to addiction…who is really in control?? Is the answer really as simple as YOU??
I think that the death of PSH has made people more aware of their own “addictions”…it doesn’t need to be drugs. It can be anything…food and exercise even. The fact that he got help at such a young age and was able to stay clean for so long is the really eye opening part that I think reminds people that this fight is NEVER over. There is no “cure”…there is only constant awareness and learning.
RIP Phillip Seymour Hoffman. RIP everyone who has ever died by addiction holding them.
And bless everyone who keeps trying to break hold of it!!!!
Sunday, November 24, 2013
It's that time of year when everyone starts to ask "what are you thankful for?"...
I have many things to be thankful for this year...I got married to the love of my life. I have a gorgeous, smart & loving stepson. I made it to 30 years old! The list could go on and on about all the things we are (or at least should be) grateful for each year...family, job, shelter, ect.
The one thing I am extra thankful for this year is just the simple fact of being alive. Let's be honest here...I didn't necessarily treat myself the best this year. I did a lot more damage than I did good. So the mere fact that I am still sitting here, able to write on this here bloggy-blog is something that I am very, very thankful for.
What else am I thankful for...YOU!! I've been doing this blog since the beginning of 2010 and during these past 3 years SO much has happened, so much has changed. Some of you have been with me the entire time, and some of you have just joined me...either way, your constant words of encouragement and support...just the fact that you are HERE...reading...through the good times and the bad, have helped to keep me going this year and have definitely played a part in me getting my shit back together and getting (& staying) back on track!
I read every comment, every FB message, every Tweet, every email. Some days I pull up a specific email or comment and read it over and over just to help me through that day. I haven't been very good at all in responding back to people this year, and for that I am very sorry. I *might* have had something to do with the amount of alcohol I was drinking and by lack of desire to do ANYTHING. It *might* have, lol. But I am working on being better at that.
I want to give something to YOU to show how thankful I am for all of YOU this Thanksgiving!!
I'm calling it Suzi Storm's Thanksgiving Give Back! I know...such a clever & unique name. I swear, I am a genius!
So, what is in this little give back pack you ask???? Well take a look...
Here are the details on what is included:
A Sony Walkman 2GB wearable mp3 player. I have never used this one but I have the same exact model (but in black) and it is great. You kind find more details about the product here. Unfortunately the box accidently got thrown out when I took it out to make sure it had everything with it. But I saved you some trouble and possible trauma as opening the box was a complete bitch, lol.
A Garmin Forerunner 205. This is a used item. But a very special used item for me. Around the time that I first started running I was using the Nike+ program, which was great for when I was training and running mostly 5K's but as I started training for half marathons I found that I needed something more accurate and a little more stable. Unfortunately I couldn't afford any of the fancy Polar or Garmin watches that everyone was sporting but an amazing woman on Twitter sent me a message and offered me this watch, as she had just upgraded and didn't have a use for this one anymore. This watch changed the way I ran. This watch encouraged me. This watch helped me train for my very first 1/2 marathon AND ran with me in my very first marathon!! Don't worry folks...I've cleaned all the sweat, tears and vomit off of it ;).
It's an oldie, but a goodie. And I hope that someone who needs something a little simple get's inspired as much by it as I did. I also have a copy of the user's manual that I printed off the internet that will be included.
I'm not a blogger who get's a lot of big swag to review and giveaway (though I do have a couple of small things coming up) but I wanted to give something away as a thanks. Both of these items have been really helpful in getting my feet pounding on the pavement (or treadmill) and I am glad that I have these to give to you.
To enter just follow the details below. Contest starts today (11/24) and ends Sunday, December 1st.
*Giveaway open to US & Canada residents*
a Rafflecopter giveaway
Good luck to everyone who enters!!
I am so thankful for all of you.
Wednesday, November 20, 2013
*WARNING: This blog post is very long. While I contemplated breaking it up into two parts it just didn’t feel right. So if you stick it out to the end, thank you! It focuses on how my relationship with beer turned a little too hoppy (see what I did there?! ;) over the past year.
However, I urge anyone who thinks that they may have a serious drinking problem to contact your doctor or your local AA chapter and reach out for help immediately.*
I was replying to a message that I got from a follower on FB and I said something that really lit a fire inside of me that honestly has never caught my attention before…not even while I was losing the 101 lbs the first time.
I said “if I didn’t stop making the choices I was making who the hell knows where I would have ended up.”
You know those “Ah-ha” moments everyone talks about?? During my Weight Watchers Success Story interviews I always talked about my “Ah-ha” moment being when my now-husband and I were driving through a KFC after just attending a steak bake. Well, I think me writing “if I didn’t stop making the choices I was making who the hell knows where I would have ended up” is a definite “Ah-ha” moment for me this time around.
See, I never was a person who was over weight their ENTIRE life. I went through some of my teenage years actually being underweight. I’ve never really been an emotional eater to be honest. My problem isn’t that I constantly want food. My problem has always been that I just make the wrong choices, or over indulge in things I shouldn’t (Hello, cheese!). Or my problem this time around…my number one lover/enemy…beer.
I’ve never hid the fact (umm…duh, look at what my blog is called!) that I love beer. Craft beers…IPA’s in fact are my drink of choice. Back when telling my success stories I talked about how prior to losing the weight I would come home, get into my pajama’s and start throwing back the Coors Lights. Then when I was losing the weight I never gave up beer, I just started drinking it moderation…like only on the weekends, or after long run or good workout session. I had a healthy relationship with beer and it was something I had control of and was still able to lose my weight and maintain it for almost 2 years.
This time around though, beer had become my enemy. It felt like a mix between a friend who has turned their back on you, or doing something that you know is wrong but it just feels so right.
I blogged before about how I ended up becoming part of the Weight Watchers ‘Believe’ campaign and the crazy events that happened leading up to the audition. Being part of that campaign is still one of the things I am most proud of. I will never regret it and it will always be a story that I will share. But the thing is…I was riding a “high” in 2011…being able to tell my story and show off all my hard work in so many different outlets. The commercials played again and again. The pictures showed up here, there and everywhere. It was the best drug. But like all highs, they don’t last forever.
All of a sudden I wasn’t completely poor anymore. I had a little bit of money. Frank and I were able to do things we normally couldn’t afford to do. It was so completely new to me and I had no idea how to handle it properly.
When there’s nothing really exciting to do in town, the best thing to do is go out to dinner, or go to lunch, or go out and grab some drinks…then grab some drinks at the store and go home. See, this time I could afford all the craft beers my heart desired. I didn’t have to stick with the Coors Light that Frankie was drinking because it was all we could afford. I tried more beers in 2012 than I have in my entire life.
Here is the absolute truth…
The money I earned in sharing my success played an ENORMOUS role in my regaining all of my weight back (plus an extra 30). And a good portion of that (I don’t even want to know the percentage) money went to us eating out and/or drinking.
Of course, the money did make me gain weight…my choices did. But I didn’t know how to properly handle these choices and I chose wrong again, and again, and again…which eventually led me to where I am today…
It got back to the point where I couldn’t afford the craft beers everyday, so it was back to slamming down the Coors Lights. And as I’ve mentioned before, I’ve been blessed/cursed with having a high tolerance for alcohol. Even at my goal weight I could still knock plenty of beer/wine back without getting drunk and stupid. So with the extra 100 lbs I was able to drink even more.
So I was drinking instead of running…or I would say I would run but then be too hung-over.
So I was drinking then having 2…3…4 servings (Who am I kidding…I didn’t even pay attention to the servings) of whatever I was eating…or I wouldn’t care what I was eating.
So I was drinking and staying up till 2am on a weeknight…or sometimes even later than that.
I stopped caring. I stopped counting Point Values. I stopped exercising. I stopped getting enough sleep. I stopped putting makeup on. I stopped caring about my appearance. I just stopped caring in general about myself.
Late January/Early February I was in an ambulance, pretty sure I was having a heart attack, but no…it was anxiety attack. But even that wasn’t enough to make me stop what I was doing to myself. I wasn’t anxious. I was depressed. I was embarrassed. And I just didn’t care…or so I thought.
Drinking in the excessive amount that I was made me think I didn’t care about myself at all. It made me think a lot of things. It made choose a lot of things I normally would not choose. It made me unhappy on different levels than I had experienced before. But even that wasn’t enough.
I can’t tell you what WAS enough. I can’t tell you that I had this “Ah-ha” moment that led me to wake the up hell up and see that I was slowly (and surely, I am sure) killing myself. I’m not an alcoholic (as I’ve said before, and believe me, I have looked into it & consulted with Dr’s and other professionals)…I just have a tendency, like people do with food or other things, to binge and/or lose control. It doesn’t happen often and in fact this was probably the longest (and definitely the most damaging) out of control I have ever reached.
Then one day…I just didn’t have any beer or wine. One day turned into 11 days. It’s not the longest stretch I’ve ever gone without any alcohol. I didn’t plan it or set a goal. It just happened. And other than getting married this year it is probably one of the best things that I could have had happen to me. It gave me clarity. It let me see what I was missing in my life….MYSELF! I missed ME! I didn’t just miss Weight Watchers or running or blogging or being part of the “health & fitness” community…I missed who I was on a day to day basis. I missed putting on makeup in the morning…who the fuck am I kidding, I missed just being able to get out of bed in the morning!! I missed counting my WW points. I missed running. I missed feeling like I wasn’t going to pass out for the majority of the day. I missed going to bed with my husband instead of waiting for him to go to bed so I could drink beers and listen to music all by myself (this can be a very dangerous combination for your mental health if you are not in the right frame of mind in the first place). I missed actually enjoying a COUPLE of beers…not just drinking 20 of them “just because”. This past Saturday I had my first beer in 11 days after my run with the Lake Effect Group and it was glorious! And you know what…I didn’t proceed to go ahead and have 20 more after that. I had control again. I knew how I did and how I did NOT want to feel.
“if I didn’t stop making the choices I was making who the hell knows where I would have ended up” …I probably would have turned into an alcoholic. I probably would have added more health issues to myself. I probably would have gone over 300 lbs. I probably would have never ran another mile again. Scariest thing to think about…I probably would have let the thoughts and self hatred eat at me enough that one night I would have let them get me for good. I kept all these issues to myself for the most part and eventually it would have ruined me completely.
So that sentence is my “Ah-ha” moment that keeps me on the track I have been on the past few weeks. One where I am taking care of myself, inside and out…One where I am not drinking to just say “screw all of it” and letting it become a nasty habit …One where every day I am trying to look at today instead of yesterday.
I can’t fully describe how much better I feel. And I can’t thank everyone here and on social media who have complemented me on how I have looked lately…you guys have no idea how much it means to me, especially right now. Funny thing is, people keep saying I look healthy and glowing…well I’m pretty good with a makeup brush ;) and I haven’t lost a noticeable amount of weight yet, but I think just the elimination of beers during the week and the decrease in consumption has done wonders on my overall appearance…thanks to less bloat in my face and eyes and of course, more sleep! Which in turn gives me more confidence which in turn makes me feel better about life in general which in turn makes me make better choices for my body which in turn keeps on turning stuff into a positive rather than a negative.
Everybody has a moment where something gets out of hand…even sometimes the things that make us healthy can turn into something negative if we abuse the feelings we get from them. Just try to step back for a moment. Give yourself a moment to clear your mind. Free yourself from its grip and examine how you *really* feel. Think about what it is that you truly want for yourself…from yourself. I will never give up beer, but I always give up any power that I accidently let it hold on me.
Sometimes you fall down a hole so hard and so far that you think “what’s the point of even trying to get out”…but there is always a point. You can always get out. You might break a few nails or sprain a few bones clawing and climbing your way back up, but you will heal and you feel even stronger than before. You will have more knowledge than you did before…and next time, you might just be able to catch yourself before you fall again.