The Art of (re)losing...

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There are some things that are hard to put into words. I don’t know how many times I’ve tried to type this post. I’ve thought about doing it in a video post but then it would just be me asking you to watch me babble on and on. Or what would probably happen is that I would have total mental time out and just stare weirdly into my iPad camera for like 5 minutes. That would be cool, no?

I do not say I am losing weight…I say (re)losing. Now some have deciphered this into me thinking it’s not as important or significant as the first (well technically 2nd) time around. However that could not be farther from the truth.

If anything, it is MORE significant to me. That’s why I've given it its own term…(re)losing.

See, it’s not like I lost 101 lbs 10 years ago. I didn’t give up Weight Watchers and decide to come back. I never left!! I have been an active member the entire time…yes, even as I was gaining 130 lbs back. Sure, I wasn’t doing shit with the plan, but I was in and out of meetings and I was randomly tracking. Trying…half assed, but trying to get back on program and get my shit together.

My big 101 lbs and then 130 lb gain all happened very quickly. The loss/gain/loss has all been within these past 5 years. I cannot forget about those 101 lbs I lost. I couldn’t “start new”…you cannot lose and regain that amount of weight in such a short period of time and expect to wipe the slate clean. Especially when I had so much happen to me and my story of losing the weight. It was only 4 years ago that I was shooting the commercial’s and campaign for Weight Watchers.

I can’t erase or forget those 101 lbs. They matter. They are part of me because they helped to shape me into who I am today…into what I do with this blog and what I’ve done with sharing my story and what I continue to put out there to hopefully inspire others.
Taken exactly 1 year apart...April 2014 & April 2015

These pounds lost now are smarter…they are wiser…they are not naïve…they are not there purely for vanity…they are not there for acceptance.  They have given me knowledge that I thought I knew before and have taught me things I didn’t even think I had to know.

(Re)losing is kind of a contradiction at the same time though. The biggest part of (re)losing is letting go of the past. Letting go of where you were and accepting where you are right now. It’s not focusing so much on where you want to be (which ideally is right back where you were) but where you are at that moment and how to make the next moment better.

Letting go and forgetting are two different things though. I can let go of those 101 lbs but I can never forget them. I never not have them be part of my story. Jesus Christ my story in a New York Time’s Bestselling book. I hit my goal…I am a Weight Watchers Lifetime member. That will never change.

Now if I had done all of this 10-15 years ago, maybe I would have a different approach. But this is how I have learned to forgive myself and move on to (re)losing. Forgiveness is one of the biggest parts in the art of (re)losing. Forgiving myself for all abuse I put myself through, both mentally and physically. I did what I did. It happens. It happened! I can’t change it. I can’t undo it. All I can do is say “well, that fucking sucks but it’s time to move on now.” And that’s what I did.

That’s what I continue to do every day. It’s a fight. It’s not easy. I’m in this for the long haul. I will never say that I will “never be that girl again” or “never regain the weight”…but every day I will continue to fight for this body that I have worked hard for. Every day I will continue to make choices that I feel are the best for me at that time. This is not a diet. The choices I am making today have to be no different than the choices I will make a month or a year from now. Why get so angry over “accidentally” eating a pint of ice cream that you sabotage yourself for the rest of the week?! It’s not worth it. It’s going to happen. 

These are not mistakes…they are not cheat days or cheat meal…they are choices. Good choices, alright choices and bad choices.  Not every day is going to be filled with 100% good choices and if it did, well life would suck big time. The scale is always going to go up and down and up and down. It doesn’t matter if you are at goal weight or if you are just beginning your own weight loss journey…we are all a solider in the war against unwanted pounds. You don’t hit a # on the scale or get your WW Lifetime card and POOF…you can go back to eating like you did before. If you can’t live with the food choices you are making today, then you will never be able to live with them a year from now. 


And while I will never say that I am “glad” that I regained all of the weight, I am thankful for what regaining the weight has taught me. Things this time around have been different. I care less about #’s and more about how I feel and how I like what I see in the mirror. It’s ok to be a little vain sometimes…it’s healthy and I think that keeps me more on track than anything else really. I don’t obsess about going over my daily or weekly points. I’m not going crazy to make sure I get all my exercise in. It is what it is. As long as I am trying each day to make the best, healthy choices that I can then I think I am doing all right. And 90 lbs (re)lost later…I think I can comfortably say that for right now I am in control and I don't feel like I am going to lose that anytime soon. 

Meal preppin'

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This weekend I did something that I have never really done before.
I meal prepped.
That’s right…I’ve managed to lose 100 lbs almost twice now, yet I have never really done a meal prep. Now that doesn’t mean that I don’t plan ahead and just eat whatever on a whim, but I’ve never really made, portioned out and put together meals in advance.

At work recently there were some changes and my lunch time is cut down a bit since my husband (we work together) needs to get back sooner than I do. We live right around the corner from work so we go home at lunch but when you factor in the travel time there’s really only about 20 minutes to sit down and eat lunch. In our obscenely small kitchen it is impossible for both of us to be in there making lunch at the same time, so I have found my lunches to be bland, boring and not really satisfying. It’s been a lot of ham or peanut butter sandwiches. What’s next…cold square shaped pizza and chocolate milk in a pouch?!

I decided that I wanted to try and meal prep some lunches and snacks. This way I know I have something that is satisfying and Points+ friendly for my lunches. And having them all prepared and ready to heat up if necessary solves my time crunch issue.

I didn’t do anything for dinners. See, I really love cooking and so does The Frank. I don’t mind eating leftovers or reheating things for lunch but for dinner I like to prepare it fresh. And a lot of the time we are deciding what to eat that very day. By doing that it helps the meal to feel more satisfying because I don’t know about you but sometimes there is no worse feeling than having to eat something you don’t really want to eat, LOL.

But for my lunches? This is can prep up and look forward to. So I did just that!! And to break out of the sandwich rut I broke out the crock pot. I made 2 different meals from the SkinnyTaste site: Balsamic Pork and Santa Fe Chicken. Not only do I have these for lunches but we also had them for dinner the night they were made. This saved $$ on extra groceries. Score!! After we ate them for dinner I would let them cool a bit then I portioned out the serving size. 

First thing I did was get some containers. I wanted something that I could store everything into one…not 4 or 5 different containers. I found these at the dollar store and my mom found that red one at the Christmas Tree shops. Amazon also carries some that are a reasonable price. Not crazy about them being a circle as they take up more space in the fridge but for a buck you can’t go wrong. Plus it will just encourage me (hopefully) to clean out the fridge more.

I also got these little containers (also at the $1 store) to hold dressings & dips. They fit into the large tray perfectly too.

I said OK, I got my protein…how can I add some flare to it? SO I put some fat free re-fried beans with the chicken and some quinoa with the pork. Now I need some sides, because I’m all about QUANTITY…I roasted some broccoli to go with the pork because it just sounded good and added a brie cheese snack to give me some extra protein because I am a total protein slut. With the chicken I decided to cool things down with some cucumbers and fat free black bean dip and/or yogurt ranch dressing.

The lunches feel kind of big but I think that’s because the circle container makes it feel like a giant dinner plate. The Weight Watchers Points+ Values are 10P+ for the Pork and 7P+ for the chicken.

For snacks I just did simple things, like portion out more ranch dressing and dip, cut green peppers & cucumbers and portion out edamame (which after MANY years of just thawing and eating it I learned it needs to be cooked…oops). Other good snacks to do are hard boil some eggs, string cheese which is a lot easier to grab if you break them apart from each other instead of having to rip one each time you want one, cut fruit and portioned out crackers & chips.


So some good tips to get started:
  • Buy something to store your food in that is easy and accessible to you. Don't over complicate things because you're likely to grab something else.
  • Keep it simple when you start...sliced up cucumbers and pre-portioned cheese. Things you can just throw in there. Just like when you start out on a the program (or any program really) too much too soon can feel suffocating. Keep it simple.
  • Make something that provides many servings. Both of these recipes made 8 servings a piece. This left me with a lot of leftovers. I don't want to eat the same thing everyday of course but with each of meals I can mix it up by adding a different side or adding it to something else.
  • Set aside some time. It doesn't take a TON of time but it's nice to block out an hour or so on the weekend and dedicate it to yourself and your wellness. Due to my extremely small kitchen it takes me a little longer to prep but it was fun and it was worth it. Plus I'm on my feet and moving around so it's something active as well.
  • The internet is your BFF when it comes to meal planning. There are SO many sites out there with meal prep ideas, especially for lunches. Pinterest is my BFF when it comes to this and with a lot of Weight Watcher friendly recipe sites a lot of the Points+ calculations are done for you!  

I really hope that this is something I continue to do each week. It’s nice knowing that I have a decent lunch waiting for me and that all I have to do is heat it up when I get home. Money was pretty tight this week (ok every week really) but these meals were extremely cheap to make and we got so many servings out of them that there are enough for Frankie to have as well if he wants or we could have them for dinner again…though if I’m eating them for lunch that probably won’t happen, but it’s an option! Hell, I could even just have the chicken or pork by itself for a snack if I wanted. Throw some of it in a piece of baby romaine lettuce and yum yum in my tum!!



Do you meal prep?? Any good tips or meal suggestions??

My body...

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So many things change when you lose weight. Especially when you lose a significantly large amount of weight. No one can really prepare for these changes. They go far beyond anything the scale can show you. I can write this post and try to paint a picture of my experience, but it really won’t do much. 

I was in the shower last week (cue porn music) when I reached behind my back and felt something funny…it was sticking out and had a curve to it...it freaked me out! What was it? My shoulder blade! I had completely forgotten what it felt like to feel my shoulder blades in that matter…or to be able to actually bend my body like that so I can.

Shaving my legs is like going through a whole new terrain. Muscles that I have built…muscles that I have forgotten about. My strong calf muscles that almost roll like hills. I have knee caps again! I have ankle bones! And did they get longer?! I swear it takes me twice as long to shave now. ;)

I have elbows! I have a collar bone! I have hip bones! Who the hell knew I had all these bones in my body?!?!

It’s not about the bones though…it’s about the shape. The shape of my body that these bones create. I shape that was long forgotten about when I regained the weight. I forgot what all of these things felt like. Sometimes I will rub my arm and feel something and think there’s an issue. There’s no issue…it’s just my body expressing itself in a new way. It’s not being hidden under excessive pounds of my own gluttony.

One of the biggest times I notice the changes in my body is while I am running. The way my arms don’t rub against my hips. The air between my thighs...I mean they still rub together, just in a different way. The weight I lift off the ground feels different so therefore my form has been different. This is something I have needed to stay aware of while I run.

I’ll be honest and just come out and say it (Grandma, don’t read this part…skip to the next paragraph)…sex has changed too….with and without my husband, ifyaknowwhatimsaying, LOL!! #brownchickenbrowncow Obviously my confidence level in my appearance has greatly increased, but also the way my body moves…the way it feels…the way it reacts. Now I’m not saying it’s any better or worse than it was at my previous weight. I mean, skill is skill…but…it has been something that has been noticeably different.

Then there is the fact that I can cross my legs again. I think this is something most women forget about when they gain weight. I think I definitely took it for granted last time. I realized about a month or so ago that I could indeed cross my legs again. Eat your heart out, Sharon Stone! I don’t have to question whether or not I can squeeze between those cars (unless you park like a total jackass). I don’t have to worry about whether or not the towel will wrap around my body. I don’t have to worry about not fitting into the movie theater seat. The knuckles on my hands…the length of my toes...the shape of my jaw. My face! My face is so different and I have talked about this on my Facebook page. I think out of everything this is something that I've had to adjust to the most. And I still am adjusting. That change brings a lot of emotions with it.

Look, I’m not bragging here. I’m still overweight (though happy to announce to that I am no longer in the obesity category!). But maybe because I had lost/gained/lost all within such a short period of time I noticed these changed to strongly this time. I remember the feeling of being able to wrap a standard size towel around my body…but this time it just felt different. The feeling of joy was stronger. Maybe because I don’t take any of it for granted. Maybe because I never want to go back to NOT being able to wrap a standard size towel around my body.

I wish that I had paid a little more attention to my body in this way the first time around. I think we get so caught up in the scale and numbers and goal weight, maintenance weight, Points, calories, Activity Points, miles, ect. that we forget one of the biggest recipient’s to receive the bounty of our hard work with weight loss…our physical bodies. No matter your size, I encourage you to really take inventory and learn the map that your body creates. You are in this body 24/7. This body LET'S you lose & gain & maintain. Learn it...accept it...love it.  
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