The only time I will ever use the word ‘Foodie’…

I’m alive!! I’m aaaaaaaalllliiiiiiiiivvvvvvvve!!

No but seriously, I am alive. And I am doing quite well actually. I’ve felt better lately than I have in a while. But we will save that for some other post. Like the next one I have coming up where I have a giveaway for an awesome e-book!! I should have that up this weekend. I really plan to make blogging a priority again and I really hope that all you fabulous readers stick by my side. Cause I love you guys, damnit!

So, I saw some of my tweeps all tweeting up about this thing called Foodie Pen Pals. At first I was all like “whatevz, I ain’t no foodie and ain’t nobody got time for that!”…. then I learned that it’s this really awesome thing put together for bloggers and non-bloggers where you are paired up with someone and you mail them…..can you guess???? FOOD!!

I’m no foodie, but I love me some food (bring on the jokes, haters)…and snail mail (seriously, there is not enough snail mail anymore)!! So for the first time ever I signed up!!

I was worried about getting screwed at first, since my experience with internet “pair ups” hasn’t gone well…I’m talking about this past year when I finally did the DailyMile secret santa and never got anything, but hey, it’s the risk you take.

Anyways my very first foodie pal came from the very awesome Alyssa!! (She doesn’t have a blog otherwise I would share)

Look at all the AWESOME stuff she sent me:

Ummmm….YUM!!

Mmmmm, tea. And how adorable on the back of her card to me!?

I love when people not only spell my name right but also put a heart in for the I :)

The cool thing about this little program is that YOU are responsible for contacting the person you are matched up with, so that gives you a chance to not only get their shipping address but to also ask you their likes and dislikes. I told Alyssa how much I loved all things spicy and jalapeno and how I am allergic to onions. She promised not to send me any raw onions and she delivered! I told her I follow Weight Watchers and as many of you know, the awesome part about Weight Watchers is that nothing is off limits!!

I housed the jalapeno pretzel bites in about 5 seconds 10 minutes. I can’t wait to try the other goodies!! Especially that popcorn!! We have nothing like that around here. I’ve never had Nori but I’m excited to try that as well. I’ve never had garlic nuts but I like garlic and I like nuts…soooo…. ;) On the bottom that you can’t make out is a box of chocolates, which my stepson took and ate since he didn’t think I would want them….bastard!

So thank you SO much Alyssa for making my first ever Foodie Pen Pal experience a great one!! I hope we get a chance to get paired up again sometime :)

I was lucky enough to send some goodies to Kasandra, who blogs over at Urban In Surburnia. She’s a fellow runner too who just ran the Disney Princess 1/2 Marathon!! GO Kasandra!! I hope she likes the goodies I sent her. One of the things was a jar of of this…

It comes from a local great restaurant called Pastabilities. It’s a great place and they recently started selling these jars of their famous and utterly delicious tomato oil in our local Wegmans grocery store. I really hope she enjoys it!!

So, are you interested in joining Foodie Pen Pals?!  Well then head on over there to read all the rules ad regulations (head up….you have to sign up before 9pm EST on the 4th of each month to participate for that month). I think it’s a great way to not only try some awesome new food, but also to find new bloggers, many of which you will find you share similar interest’s with. This isn’t a food snob club, or a club for over eaters anonymous….hell it’s not even a club. It’s just a sweet way to give and get some awesome free yum-yums!!

Hope you enjoyed a post where I didn’t whine so much And I promise to have that book review and giveaway up in a couple of days!! Now keep on keeping on with your bad selves (yes I just wrote that. no I haven’t been drinking. yes I am sorry.)

Got Patience?

Before I start this new post I just want to give an ENORMOUS *thank you* to every who read, commented, tweeted, FB shared, +1’d, shared with your cats, my last blog post. The response was much more than I expected. I can’t even tell you how many times I have gone back and re-read the comments (admitting I have no life right here I guess).

In case you missed it, David Kirchhoff, CEO of Weight Watchers and all around kick ass guy, responded to my blog post in a post of his own over at his blog Man Meets Scale.  Words can’t fully express how much his response meant/means to me. It really opened up the topic of weight –regain for so many. 

I am behind on emails, texts, FB messages and for that I do apologize if I haven’t gotten back to you yet. Please know that I read everything I’m sent and I will be working on getting back to each of you. I can’t believe the support that surrounds this “community”.

                                                                                                                                  

I am awful with being patient.

No seriously…is this blog post done yet??

I am the type who orders something online, gets a delivery date for maybe 5 days out and will check the tracking # about 5 times a day to see if maybe it got moved and will arrive sooner.

I ordered a new iPhone case last week and it was set for delivery on a Tuesday. It arrived the Friday before. BEST DAY OF MY LIFE!!

So you can just imagine how my patience is fairing as I think work on getting back to being the happy and healthy me I want to be again.

Does anyone have a time travel machine I could borrow??

I was texting (something all the cool kids do) with my gal pal Marissa and we agreed that the “patience” part of losing weight….AGAIN…is the hardest part. Now don’t get me wrong, having patience while losing weight is never really easy. It took me about a year and a half to lose 101 lbs. But when you gain all/some/more of it back and you finally hit that wall and say to yourself “I want to go back to being the me I was before”…well, you want to get there a hell of a lot faster.

And it’s not just because of how you look now or how you feel right now. I think, at least in my case, it’s because I still *feel* like that person. I wake up and forget that I can’t fit into my size 6 or 8 jeans. I forget that my size small t-shirts will barely cover up one of my boobies now (I said boobies, heehee). I forget that when I head out for a run that I will not be running 8:40 minute miles right now. 

In my mind I am still a runner. In my mind I am still a weight loss success. In my mind I am still a healthy living blogger. In my mind I am still a healthy living human being.

Then I go out of a run…

Then I get dressed in the morning…

Then I grab another beer…

And then I am reminded…

And then I am upset…

And then I am impatient…

And then I fail another day…

Persistence is the key to success. This I know. I’ve had numerous “false starts” over the past few months. Why?? Because I am an impatient mother f*cker!!

Sadly, I won’t just wake up tomorrow and be back at 155 lbs. And my clothes won’t all magically fit me again. And when I run I will have to settle for 12+ minute miles for right now.

I have to learn to be patient with my weight loss again. I have to remind myself that this is a change forever; therefore I will be working on this forever. I won’t be back to being myself unless I put in the time & effort.

Unfortunately I didn’t get a tracking # for all this so I guess I am just going to have to keep checking myself daily.

Coming out…

No, I’m not gay (but hey, how you doing hot ladies

I run…

In the grocery store when I see someone I know who I haven’t seen since I lost weight…

I say no…

To going out because that means that I *might* run into people who saw me last at my goal weight…

I cancel…

Because I am a coward…

Panic, anxiety, hate…all attacks. I get stronger every day as I work towards being the *me* I want to be but I still struggle every day.

Every day we go to the grocery store…for food or beer…and every day I hide…

This is the hardest post I’ve ever done. I’m not even sure I will hit publish….

I DREAM….WISH…..MEDITATE….

to get back to where I was. I loved being there. Strong. Fit. Running.

I took most of it for granted.

Sometimes, suicide seems easier…binge eating…getting heavier….but

I want it all back. And I *WILL* get it back…

But for right now…

(I must insert something here about this picture…I took it at work & this mirror is like a funhouse mirror. We noticed it when the pictures behind of the toilet paper boxes seemed warped, LOL. And as you can tell the bottom part of mirror is bigger than the lower half….but whatever…I don’t want anyone taking my full shot so this is what you get…)

Hello again…now, SAY GOODBYE!!!!

FOR GOOD!!

I am SO FUCKING SORRY!!!!!!!!

The Cheese…

Once upon a time there was a girl who loved cheese…

She loved cheese so much that people sometimes had mistaken her for a mouse…

Every occasion. every holiday, every “oops”…she bought cheese…

But she didn’t buy cheese this New Years Eve…

Even though she had bought cheese EVER OTHER YEAR. Even when it was the eve of her hitting lifetime, eve of her commercial debut…she bought cheese. Lots of it. Lots she would not track…

But she didn’t buy cheese this New Years Eve…

Why??

Because when you lose 100+ lbs and then gain it back in a year, you learn some shit….you learn that you do not have an eating problem. You are a creature of habit.

And that I am….always giving into to my habits.

But I have the upper hand because I’ve seen the “peak”…I know how great I *CAN* feel….

People who lose and then gain are often called losers…

I call us Believers (really….no pun attended).

Because I know how fucking hard I worked to get where I got. And sure, I can beat myself up about where I am now,or I can fight,,,

And I’m not Suzi Fucking Storm for nothing….

Ups and Downs

Oh 2012…you manic little thing you.

2012 was year of ups and downs for me.

The Weight Watchers campaign came out right on New Years last year and it was truly amazing to see. It was so great to share my story with everyone and to get so much amazing feedback from people. Knowing that I inspired just one person made it all that much more worthwhile.

I only ran one race in 2012. One. I deferred others that I could, or in some cases didn’t even bother showing up at all. I basically gave up on running. Unless you can count going from the couch to the fridge to get a beer running?? (and lets not even talk about how many beers I’ve been “running” to again)

I gained all my weight back (plus an extra 5 lbs just for fun). Yup. It’s amazing how much time and effort it takes to get weight off but just how quickly and easily you can put it back on. Am I upset with myself? You bet. To be 100% honest with you all, over the past few months I’ve had moments where contemplating suicide over dealing with my weight gain has seemed like a better option. Shame, guilt, embarrassment…I’ve had it all.

But I didn’t just gain weight…I’ve gained great knowledge. I’ve learned a great deal about myself this year. What I truly want out of life. How I truly want to feel. How I truly want to live my life. When I was heavier before, I never really knew what it was like to be fit and healthy and happy with my body and mind. Now I do. And I want that back…BAD.

Weight Watchers has the tools for me to use, and now I have the knowledge that *I* needed. At my meeting last week I had them give me a new clean book. Started with a fresh new path! My comeback story will be far greater than any of my success stories have been.

Frankie and I got take a little time out for ourselves this year. We went and saw Dave Matthews a few times and Joe Bonamassa earlier this year. We went to a Yankee game and finally got to see the new stadium. We took a little long weekend vacation in an adorable little cabin in the Adirondacks.

And oh yeah…

We got engaged!!

That is by far the best thing to happen to me this year. And marrying this man in 2013 will definitely be the highlight of the year.

What’s in store for Suzi Storm in 2013….

Well I’m signed up for races. One’s that I plan to attend and actually participate in this time.

Getting back to my healthy weight and staying there (for more than just a little over a year this time!).

Did I mention that I’m getting married??

 

Before I sign off let me take a moment to thank all of you for sticking by my side all these years…especially this one. All of your love, support and encouragement has kept the fight within me alive. You are all my friends and we are all in this together. Happy New Year!! Here’s to 2013!! XO

2012….thanks for letting me see you through till the end, but it’s time for you to go….

The Moment…

Here is the moment where I tell you that for the past week I have felt better than I have in many, many months.

Here is the moment where I tell you that I’ve actually been paying to what I’ve been putting into my body and being mindful of what I eat and how much.

Here is the moment where I tell you that for the first time in months, I ran yesterday. I produced sweat that didn’t occur from just taking the groceries in or walking up the stairs to the bedroom.

Here is the moment where I tell you that I have given up alcohol Monday-Thursday. This was something I always did when I was “on program” but as I’ve confessed have not been practicing for about a year now.

Here is the moment where I tell you that I am (trying) paying less attention to the scale & more about how I feel about the healthy choices I making day by day.

Here is the moment where I tell you that I have taken on the mantra of “Take it day by day.” I no longer plan out weekly goals or meals or fitness schedules. I take it day by freaking day and so far, so good.

Here is the moment where I tell you about my A-HA! moment as to why I gained weight back (well, one of many)…

I’ve told the story of Hitting Lifetime ---> WW employee ----> WW Success Story -----> Oprah all within a 5 month period many times. I’ve talked about how when I look back I can’t believe (no pun intended) how my life completely went into a whirl wind last year and how I never really got a chance to just *BE* with my new body. I never got to really become acquainted with it before showing it off to the entire world (our commercials were shown in other countries, so I’m allowed to say that. BOOYA!).

Here’s one thing I have never confessed though….I had body issues when I shot the WW campaign. My weight was at 161 lbs. That’s 1 lb over goal weight and 10 lbs from my lowest weight (the weight I was at when I shot the WW story in NYC). I felt not as comfortable. I felt….well….fat. I remember in LA the head fashion stylist (who was a total Cee U Next Tuesday by  the way) asking me my size and when I said “8 or 10, sometimes a 6 depending” and hearing her whisper “more like a 12”.  Well, OK then. Mind you I was wearing a size 8 pair of skinny jeans but I just rolled my eyes. I mean, I was in LA so the thought process is a bit different there with some fashion peeps.

I remember getting ready to go out and take the double decker bus tour with my fellow cast mates. A moment I couldn’t wait for…exploring California!! I tried on about 20 different things and hated them all. So I decided on jeans and a tank top but still felt uncomfortable so I brought a sweater. An extra 5-6 lbs and I felt uncomfortable enough to bring a sweater…..WTF?!

I felt fat here (with my husband RDJ):

And I felt fat here (even though I dressed kinda slutty looking back on it…and yes I’m pointing to my taco in front of Pink Taco):

And here in the hotel bathroom, I was depressed & feeling fat….

In all honesty. I think I look pretty gross in this picture. I don’t look healthy there, in my opinion.

SO what happened??

I came back home. I came back to real life. I had to deal with the holidays….thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years….all while dealing with the anticipation of the campaign being released and my friends, family & followers awaiting to see me shine. Mean while I gained a couple extra pounds and the self hatred built up like a cat piss in clumping litter. I would gain another pound or two and think “what’s the point? I’ve reached the top. Who gives a shit anymore. If I can’t be what I was in NYC or LA than I’m nothing."

Nobody who was supposed to reach out to me did. All they cared about was showing me off & sharing my story during each and every meeting, or making sure the # was OK that month. But it wasn’t. And nobody cared why.

I saw a picture of me at the Yankee stadium this past summer. I remember how I felt….I felt so fat and gross. I even avoided seeing my NYC friends because I was ashamed. But when I saw the picture today I said to myself “wtf?! You look great!! Why did I feel so awful about myself?!”.

So here I am now….obviously heavier than I was at Yankee stadium because let’s be honest the cycle just got worse and false start after false start has lead me to having to lose the weight all over again.

They say 3rd times a charm. I don’t need a fucking charm. I have a keychain full of those. I need KNOWLEDGE.

And this last time, I gained more knowledge than I can handle some days.

Last time I dealt with mostly food/alcohol issues, while reaping the benefits of better mental health & physical activity. Not once did I ever tackle issues that I may have had with body issues. I went from 252 lbs to 151 in about a year and half. I didn’t spend even a month at that weight just getting used to my “new” body without having to show it off for something.  I never got comfortable being at that weight. I never LEARNED how to be OK with gaining a couple pounds and getting it back off.

Gaining the weight this time around has been so much harder on my mentally. Not just because of the guilt/shame/embarrassment for the public to see but also because when I was over weight last time I never paid attention to how my body felt.  I just knew I was miserable & hid behind baggy clothes. But once I lost the weight I was like “Hey! I can move my neck back like this! I can cross my legs like this! I can reach this! I can see this bone!” and well now….not so much. So I feel like I’m in a body that isn’t even my own.

And from this day forward I refuse to live in a body that I don’t believe is mine.  I refuse to live in a body that I do not understand or accept.  Truth is, I didn’t know or understand my body at 151 lbs either, so I need to let all that shit go because that’s where the negativity starts and I’ve had just about enough of that garbage.

This time around I will be stronger and even more successful.  And it won’t be something that can be measured in stories or AD’s or appearances. It won’t be measured by a scale or a clothing size #. It will be measured by me and my choices, my comfort, my sustainability.  I’m not in this to yo-yo around on the scale. I honestly believe that everything that happened last year happened for a reason. And I honestly believe that this time is the right time.

I posted it on Facebook and I will post it here…..SUZI MOTHER F*CKING STORM IS BACK BITCHES!!!!!

6 to 20

Size

Just a #

6 to 20

It can happen in less than a year.

And it will tear you apart.

Because every day you remember where you were.