OK, maybe NOT one more beer...

I don’t really know where to begin here. A lot of the times when I write, I write to get a point across or to express a feeling that I believe others may be feeling and might seek comfort in reading. I guess I am writing this for others comfort, but mostly for myself. In a way to get out certain questions I have been asking myself and certain thoughts I have had in my head for the past year.

I have been sober for 9 days. This isn’t really something that just happened. It’s something that I have been thinking about day in and day out very heavily for months. I haven’t told my family and only a very select few know that I have quit the drink.

Am I an alcoholic? I honestly do not know. I can tell you that I’ve seen AA meetings and those are NOT for me. I can tell you that I don’t get sloppy, stupid drunk & wake up in places that I don’t remember.

But I can tell you that my control was lost. That a “few” beers every day become many, MANY beers. A craft 6 pack didn’t even keep me satisfied. A bottle of wine was an appetizer. “I will stick to weekends” deal quickly turned into “well I got this massive hangover and the only cure is more beer”…

This has been my life…day in and day out. These feelings of “vertigo” were not just my sinuses messing with me…they were hangovers…every day…some days worse than others. I had no energy. Taking a shower seemed like the biggest chore in the world (but don’t worry, I did). Makeup in the morning was obsolete (which for me was always a no-no to go out in public without at least mascara and some lip gloss). I didn’t care how I looked. I didn’t care that I could barely move. I just focused on hoping I didn’t pass out from feeling so dizzy and lightheaded all of the time.

I love beer. I love running and having a couple beers afterwards. I love going out to pubs and restaurants and having a few beers. I love sitting at home on a Friday night and having a few beers with my husband while we watch a movie. I love a middle of the week glass of wine by the fireplace to unwind. I love being a female craft beer drinker. I love brewing my own beer. I love the friends that I have made in the “beer community”. I love celebrating with friends over an ice cold beer. As corny as this sounds, being a beer drinker is part of who I am…for Christ sake it’s the title of my fucking blog!!!!

So how can I let that go? Do I let that go?

I’ve been examining patterns of my life over the past 10 years and trying to see if I found something that relates…and I do. I see where I have had control. Where I was eating well and I was running or exercising on a regular basis. I would be good and only drink on the weekends and maybe a couple times a week after a good, hard run.

But eventually I always end up back here. Overweight…unhealthy…and drinking to an extremely excessive point.

Does this make me an alcoholic? I do not know. I truly can not answer that right now.

What I can say is that my life was completely slipping out of control. My physical health of course but my mental health had taken a very hard beating. A lot of the self bashing posts I have written I probably wrote while I was drinking. The thoughts of suicide always flowed when the beers were. The worse I started to feel about myself, the more I drank.

I would wait till Frankie went to bed and I would stay up listening to music and start pounding the beers back. Dreaming if you will, for my life back. Back to being in shape and not overweight. Back to being able to run again. Back to having energy to clean the house. Back to being in control. Dreaming get’s you no where if you do not follow those dreams. Instead all I was doing was creating my own personal hell each and every single night.

I lost so much due to my drinking. I never followed through with races I signed up for within the past year or so. I bailed out on seeing friends & even making new ones. I let my drinking cause anxiety that basically made me a prisoner of my own body.

Don’t ask me how I did it. I just did it. I guess I just hit that wall pretty fucking hard. It was cold turkey. I know the last drink I had. I know the day. I know the hour. I went to bed that night thinking “that may have been my last drink…we’ll see how I feel in the morning.” I woke up the next morning thankfully having one of my “better” hangover days. I happened to get on Facebook and I saw a post from someone special that not only inspired me, but it gave me the encouragement I needed to NOT pick up a drink that day. Maybe it was a sign that this was the right choice and the right time. I’d like to think so.

So how do I feel now?

Amazing!!

This is the best I have felt in a very, very long time. I don’t feel sick every day. I can actually get out of bed in the morning. I have the desire to make sure I do my makeup and look presentable every day. I can move around without feeling like I am going to pass out. I actually am finding that I *want* to move more and get back into my fitness routine. I’m bashing myself less and find I have more confidence, even though I am at my highest weight ever. I actually *DO* things!! I would have never agreed (or I would have and then bailed because I was too hung over) to volunteer for that race recently. I would have never went to the mall last week to buy new shoes that I *desperately* needed.

I’ve had quite a laugh during this sober time…the manager at the grocery store who said “drink a few for me” as I’m pushing Frankie’s Coors Light out the door…the numerous offers to buy me a beer after the race…the comments on social media joking if I have been drinking after I have posted something (sorry folks, I am funny & crude either way). All the while in my head I giggle and say “Nope, I am sober now!” My first sober week contained national drink wine day, margarita day & offers for free beers. Seriously. Well played universe, well played.

Beer is still in my household, as I would never ask Frankie to give up his Coors Lights. But I asked him to dump the few craft beers I had left (they were very bitter…bad batch which is why they weren’t gone the night before) and dump the tiny liquor bottles I got at Christmas (thankfully hard liquor is not a factor in my story). I replaced the bubbles of beer with the bubbles of flavored sparkling waters. I drink A LOT of sparkling water these days. And I drink them in a wine glass so I feel as if I am still treating myself. I find it relaxing and enjoyable. It works for me.

Question I am really asking myself and struggling with is…is now forever?

I honestly do not know. And I honestly can not think that far ahead. I am focusing on today and *really* focusing on how I feel. Do I think that I could go to a bar right now and have a beer or two and then go home and not drink again for a while? No, absolutely not. Do I think that I can NEVER do that again? I really do not know.

I’m trying to focus on TODAY but I still like to prepare myself for what’s ahead. Will I really not drink on St. Patrick’s Day?! I am Irish after all…but do I really need to drink?? We don’t go out. I could enjoy something non-alcoholic at home. If I do drink, how will I feel?? Will it be worth it?? Will I be able to stop myself??

I had the opportunity recently to go to a bar where a few friends offered to buy me a beer. I didn’t go because it really is too soon to put myself in a situation like that, but in the future, could I do it?? Could I go to the bar and order a seltzer and cranberry or a diet soda and be ok with that?? This isn’t an impossible situation. I have seen people in serious recovery do this. Like I said…everyone has their own path. And I guess I’m just trying to learn what my path is and where I want it to lead me.

I know that I have never confronted myself about my drinking like I have these past few months. I have never looked at my patterns and habits so closely before and it has truly been an eye opening experience. Part of me truly believes that I can find balance and that I can live in a world without excessive drinking and hangovers. But just not right now. And maybe not ever. It’s far too early in my sobriety to put the word “never” on this situation right now.

I think everyone has their own battle. Many people certainly are overcome by their addictions and they must receive medical and professional help. But everyone’s journey is different. You have to find your journey…your path.

This is my path today. I do not know if it will be my path tomorrow. But I do know one thing…I can not be the way I was, or I will die. So I will fight every day, all day to keep myself from falling back into the pit with those demons.

I've never disabled comments before but I am choosing to do so this time due to the fact that I am at the very beginning of my sobriety & the questions asked here are for me to find the answers to. If you wish to leave comments are share your own stories, you know where to find me :)

First time on the "other side"...

Many of you might recall that I was supposed to run the Lake Effect Half Marathon yesterday. It was going to be my “comeback” race. Well a mixture of laziness, back injury & a few other factors made that “comeback” another notch in my list of “setbacks”. I was bummed. I was SUPER bummed.

But then my fellow Lake Effect Run Club buddy Russell asked me if I was still going to be in the area that day and if I would be interested in volunteering for the race. I immediately said “YES!” because I knew that I still wanted to be part of this race in someway. You see, the LERC gets together every Saturday morning and heads out for a run (or you can walk if you want to, which is what I will be doing for the next few weeks as I slowly try to get back into some sort of groove) and while I have only been a few times I have made a good group of friends within the club. So the thought of being able to be out there and help them out immediately attracted me. Plus this race is almost in my backyard and I am all about supporting local events, shops & local causes.

I have run many races…5K’s, 10K’s, 15K’s, Half’s, a marathon…but I have never volunteered for a race. As a runner I already kind of knew what to expect for being a volunteer but I never expected how amazing it would be!! Any feeling of disappointment I had about not running on the course was completely overshadowed by the feelings I got by cheering and helping out the runners.

I was stationed at mid-point of the course which means that we saw the runners 4 times. There were 9 of us at the station and everyone was super nice. We are/were runners and we had a great time chatting about races and supporting each other since a few of us are a bit injured. We mixed some sport drink and poured some water like champs!! I couldn’t have asked for a nicer group of people to be with.

Speaking of nice people…let me just say that this race brings out the NICEST runners to our area!! From the packet pickup to the morning of the race…everyone is so chill and so nice. I’ve ran some pretty big races and sometimes it can seem so chaotic & honestly, some people are just straight up bitches. But even on this course when runners were going to grab a glass of water, they made sure not to run into other runners or if they came close they apologized or moved around them. You could feel the great sense of camaraderie among the runners on the course.

Even when we ran out of cups, the runners were still nice. See, it’s called the LAKE EFFECT because well, Syracuse if known for its lake effect snow. This race is held in February in the snowiest city in New York State. It’s supposed to be a challenge. It’s supposed to be crazy. It’s supposed to be stupid. Well, this year it was in the 30’s and for a decent portion of the time, the sun was actually out. None of us expected so many runners to start grabbing water so early. We ran out of cups more towards the end but there were still a good group of people out on the course. We felt awful. We offered to fill peoples bottles with the water we had left, and in some cases even pour it in their hands. We did get more cups eventually. Even with that mishap though we only had a small number of grumbles from runners.

I can’t really put into words how awesome and how inspiring it was to cheer on the runners…especially my friends. My girl Hollie…who I haven’t seen in forever…went on to win first place. My voice is still hoarse from cheering for her when she zoomed by and the cyclist proclaimed “Lead Female coming through”. Her first time by our station she grabbed her water from me…and it was an epic fail, as we kind of collided with excitement & sent water all over the place. I would like to think that maybe this helped her come in first place. It also gave me this epic shot of her…This has “meme” written all over it…

Unfortunately I did not get all of the pictures I wanted. I wanted to make sure I had water and sports drink in my hands for the runners and I also didn’t want to accidentally hand one of them my phone instead of some hydration, lol.

But I got to see Mary…who came to me for water and a hug each time around. I knew this race meant a lot to her and giving her a hug was not only a boost for her but a boost for me as well. I got to see Jane…who not that long ago thought that she wasn’t going to be able to run this but now she was out there!! I chanted her name every time I saw her coming. Jennifer and her friend Kathy, who I knew were conquering this course together. Kathy got some horrible blisters about ½ ways through the course and she asked if we had any band aids...sadly we did not but I have made a mental note to bring a little first aid kit with me next time I volunteer for a race. They crossed that finish line like champs!! Russ, who not helped to get all these amazing volunteers together but who also, ran his first half marathon. He had to do it in different shoes than he planned, and he might be sore today, but he’s got that medal baby!! And I only had to throw ONE snowball at him!! John, Michael, Thomas, Joanna, Steve…and I’m sure I am forgetting a few…it was great to see each and every one of them run by and looking strong out there. It was inspiring!!

Seeing a runner struggle and telling them to stay strong…seeing a runner wishing for just a drop of water and handing them a cup of it…watching the lead runners speed by like they are out for a morning jog…having the runners say “thank you for being out here”…it all contained so much excitement and so much fulfillment. I’ve never been on the “other side” but I do know how much I have appreciated having the volunteers out there. And now I appreciate them that much more.

                 

In the orange is local superstar runner, Fred Joslyn. He took first place.

Friday night I went to the volunteer meeting and I was a little upset that I wasn’t there to pick up and bib. But the excitement in the air was contagious and just being able to be part of the race was exhilarating. I won’t lie though…I was nervous about race day. I was scared that I would have some sort mental episode and get all depressed that I wasn’t out there running or that I would get jealous of all the people standing at the starting line. But that never happened. The sense of excitement and adrenaline you get at the starting line at a race is impeccable…but honestly, standing there setting up a station and waiting for the first runners to come through was pretty freaking exciting too!!

Volunteering this race gave me an amazing opportunity to not only support my friends but to support my running community. It helped to inspire me and to really reassure me that I will get back out there. It also reminded me that I have so much support around me…no matter what my weight is…no matter how many miles I can run right now…support is all around me.

I want to take a special moment to thank Todd Robertson for putting this amazing race on. You have done amazing things for the running community here. I want to thank you for the chances you have given me and for the support. Thank you to Russ for bringing this volunteer opportunity to my attention. It truly changed me as a runner and I will be forever grateful for that.

Congratulations to ALL of the runners!! It was an honor to serve you some hydration and to cheer you along the course!!

This definitely will not be the last time I volunteer for a race. I am looking forward to the next one…which ever that might be!!

You can find more information about the Lake Effect Run Club here and also the Lake Effect Half Marathon here

Suzi Storm Approved!!

 So this post in an effort of me trying to blog more and more consistently which I promised to try and of more of. It's also because I wanted to post something a little more light hearted and fun. I think my blog needs Prozac or something.

With that said that I want to take a quick moment to thank everyone who has read my last two posts and to those who have reached out and commented not only on here but also through Facebook and email. Your words of I comfort, support and love, as always, mean so much to me.

But let's do something a little more light hearted...

I think I'm going to try and do this regulary. I'm calling it "Suzi Storm Approved!"

Basically it's just a post of things that I recently have found to be awesome...or maybe not so awesome. 

I figure that I am pretty awesome so I might as well try to pass on some of awesomeness to all of you. ;P

I discovered this today and I'm living in Apple water heaven right now!! So much bubbly carbonation...so much delicious apple flavor. I pour this stuff right into a wine glass because I'm a lady and that's what ladies do. 

                                                

I have been searching all over for this. I hope it lives up to my expectations. I'm not big on sweets but I do love me some dark chocolate. 

                                                    

And since we are talking about food...I found these at the Tarjaaay!! I know I said I don't have much of  a sweet tooth but I do like to have stuff on hand just in case I feel like a desert. And who can say no to a chocolate cherry Greek yogurt?!?!

                                       

OK... So now that I am thinking about it... Those last two might not be Suzi Storm approved since technically I haven't tried them yet. But they seem awesome!! If they suck butt I'll let you all know.

I ❤️love❤️ me some makeup. I have insane amounts of it. Especially lip gloss/lipsticks and mascara. Now I own mascara's that I have paid $30 & other's $4...but these two are by far my favorite as of lately. Picture looks blurry on my blogger through my iPad so just in case it doesn't clear up its Covergirl Bombshell Volume & Maybellines  The Falsies Volume Express. If I had to pick one...the Maybelline one wins!! But they are both pretty great.

                                         

And yes folks...that pic was taken on top of the toilet seat. Do I know how to stage a photo or what??

I'm totally crushing on Jessica over at How Sweet It is.

I'm making Weight Watchers Spicy Black Bean soup tonight to have for lunches this week.

I bought a paper shredder yesterday so I guess that means that I am really growing up...maybe that's not so awesome :/

So what do you think?? Does this sucks?? Should I not bother with posts like these?? Is "Suzi Storm Approved" approved or unapproved??

Dig my way to hell

First post on my iPad!! Thanks to my amazing valentine. Hope it doesn't get deleted but I contacted blogger and I think we fixed the issues.

So next Sunday I was supposed to run my "comeback" race!! The Lake Effect Half Marathon. I posted about it everywhere. I was going to be the shit. It was going to be epic. I was going to get back to ME...

What the fuck does that even mean????

When am I ever NOT ME?!?! 

Why do I continue to try and create these "moments" that apparently will create a miracle?!?!

I have never ran races for this reason...

Do I really need to create this "inspiring" moment to get "likes"...to get "acceptance"...

Here's an inspiring moment...I woke up today.

I'm pretty sure that I am at the lowest point of my life since I was 12-13 years old. And I'm pretty sure that I've tried like fucking hell to dig myself out of hell...

I'm not going to sugar coat it...Confidence?? Lost. Strength?? Weak. Endurance?? Little. 

Some days my self hate overwhelmes me. It's a struggle to push past it. But I do...not everyone can say that. 

I know what the answers are. I just have to accept them. Will I do that today...tomorrow...I don't know. But atleast I know the questions. So I still have hope. I'm not giving up. 

I will always dig my way to hell and back again...

And back again...

And back...

What if it was me??

Many people know about the shocking death of Phillip Seymour Hoffman. 

I have a connection with him…with what he brought to me as a creative human being. 

The roles he played inspired me and I always thought the he was insanely courageous for taking on some of them.  He inspired me to accept and be ok with the many different “sides” of myself.

Let’s take away the celebrity…the Oscar…the admirations…

This was a man with a disease.

One that he has fought and battled with for so many years.  And he won that fight for almost 23 years….almost.

People have called him selfish..they have called him a junkie…a person who thinks of no one but themselves.  He had THREE children!!!!!!! He had a partner in life who loved him unconditionally!!!!

How about this..

Call him HUMAN.

He had a choice...like we all do. Sometime we make good ones. Sometimes we don't. Sometimes demons follow us, no matter where we go. And we fight. We fight so, so hard. We try to fight them by projecting them. By suffocating them. By living them at times. He had children. He had people that looked up to him. Idolized him. Needed him. And he selfishly said "NO"...and chose his needles.

Not even his children could save him from that moment…that moment that OVER CAME him. Addiction is a horrible, awful beast. And people think "I made a year clean/sober" and you're good to go...this proves...it's a never ending battle.
We should never judge peoples personal battles.

I have made many choices in my life. Good…and bad.   Not all of the “good” choices have led to me “good” things.  And not all of the “bad” choices have led me to “bad” choices. Sometimes they have crisscrossed.

What if it was me..

What if I confessed that I have a problem??

If I said “I am an alcoholic”

Would you all react the same way?? Would you say it way my fault??

What if I told you that I was able to control my drinking for 2 years but then relapsed…

What would you say then??

What if I said that I was SO fucking lost that I had no idea where to go??

What if I died tomorrow…

Will a brilliant man with awful demons be laid to rest, or will he continue to be judged by something bigger than you, bigger than me.

Or can we find peace and understanding in knowing that this world is much, much bigger than any of us can ever fully understand.

And that no matter what your addiction is…you have to keep on fighting.

You don’t know everyone’s demons…so never judge.

You all saw my demons catch and regain my weight…

If you saw it catch my death, would it be like this?? Would you think I was weak?? Would you think that I didn’t think of every one and everything??

When it comes to addiction…who is really in control??  Is the answer really as simple as YOU??

I think that the death of PSH has made people more aware of their own “addictions”…it doesn’t need to be drugs. It can be anything…food and exercise even.  The fact that he got help at such a young age and was able to stay clean for so long is the really eye opening part that I think reminds people that this fight is NEVER over. There is no “cure”…there is only constant awareness and learning.

RIP Phillip Seymour Hoffman. RIP everyone who has ever died by addiction holding them.

And bless everyone who keeps trying to break hold of it!!!!

Thanksgiving Give Back!

Is it just me or has this year flown by????  I can't believe the holiday's are here already.

It's that time of year when everyone starts to ask "what are you thankful for?"...

I have many things to be thankful for this year...I got married to the love of my life. I have a gorgeous, smart & loving stepson. I made it to 30 years old!  The list could go on and on about all the things we are (or at least should be) grateful for each year...family, job, shelter, ect.

The one thing I am extra thankful for this year is just the simple fact of being alive. Let's be honest here...I didn't necessarily treat myself the best this year.  I did a lot more damage than I did good.  So the mere fact that I am still sitting here, able to write on this here bloggy-blog is something that I am very, very thankful for.

What else am I thankful for...YOU!! I've been doing this blog since the beginning of 2010 and during these past 3 years SO much has happened, so much has changed. Some of you have been with me the entire time, and some of you have just joined me...either way, your constant words of encouragement and support...just the fact that you are HERE...reading...through the good times and the bad, have helped to keep me going this year and have definitely played a part in me getting my shit back together and getting (& staying) back on track!

I read every comment, every FB message, every Tweet, every email. Some days I pull up a specific email or comment and read it over and over just to help me through that day. I haven't been very good at all in responding back to people this year, and for that I am very sorry. I *might* have had something to do with the amount of alcohol I was drinking and by lack of desire to do ANYTHING. It *might* have, lol. But I am working on being better at that.

I want to give something to YOU to show how thankful I am for all of YOU this Thanksgiving!!

I'm calling it Suzi Storm's Thanksgiving Give Back! I know...such a clever & unique name. I swear, I am a genius!   

So, what is in this little give back pack you ask???? Well take a look...

Here are the details on what is included:

A Sony Walkman 2GB wearable mp3 player. I have never used this one but I have the same exact model (but in black) and it is great. You kind find more details about the product here.  Unfortunately the box accidently got thrown out when I took it out to make sure it had everything with it. But I saved you some trouble and possible trauma as opening the box was a complete bitch, lol.

 AND...

A Garmin Forerunner 205. This is a used item. But a very special used item for me. Around the time that I first started running I was using the Nike+ program, which was great for when I was training and running mostly 5K's but as I started training for half marathons I found that I needed something more accurate and a little more stable. Unfortunately I couldn't afford any of the fancy Polar or Garmin watches that everyone was sporting but an amazing woman on Twitter sent me a message and offered me this watch, as she had just upgraded and didn't have a use for this one anymore.  This watch changed the way I ran. This watch encouraged me. This watch helped me train for my very first 1/2 marathon AND ran with me in my very first marathon!!  Don't worry folks...I've cleaned all the sweat, tears and vomit off of it ;).
It's an oldie, but a goodie. And I hope that someone who needs something a little simple get's inspired as much by it as I did. I also have a copy of the user's manual that I printed off the internet that will be included.   

I'm not a blogger who get's a lot of big swag to review and giveaway (though I do have a couple of small things coming up) but I wanted to give something away as a thanks. Both of these items have been really helpful in getting my feet pounding on the pavement (or treadmill) and I am glad that I have these to give to you.

To enter just follow the details below. Contest starts today (11/24) and ends Sunday, December 1st.
*Giveaway open to US & Canada residents* 

a Rafflecopter giveaway


Good luck to everyone who enters!!

I am so thankful for all of you.

What if I didn’t stop?

*WARNING: This blog post is very long. While I contemplated breaking it up into two parts it just didn’t feel right. So if you stick it out to the end, thank you! It focuses on how my relationship with beer turned a little too hoppy (see what I did there?! ;) over the past year.
However, I urge anyone who thinks that they may have a serious drinking problem to contact your doctor or your local AA chapter and reach out for help immediately.*

I was replying to a message that I got from a follower on FB and I said something that really lit a fire inside of me that honestly has never caught my attention before…not even while I was losing the 101 lbs the first time.

I said “if I didn’t stop making the choices I was making who the hell knows where I would have ended up.”

Wow.

You know those “Ah-ha” moments everyone talks about?? During my Weight Watchers Success Story interviews I always talked about my “Ah-ha” moment being when my now-husband and I were driving through a KFC after just attending a steak bake. Well, I think me writing “if I didn’t stop making the choices I was making who the hell knows where I would have ended up” is a definite “Ah-ha” moment for me this time around.

See, I never was a person who was over weight their ENTIRE life. I went through some of my teenage years actually being underweight. I’ve never really been an emotional eater to be honest. My problem isn’t that I constantly want food. My problem has always been that I just make the wrong choices, or over indulge in things I shouldn’t (Hello, cheese!). Or my problem this time around…my number one lover/enemy…beer.

I’ve never hid the fact (umm…duh, look at what my blog is called!) that I love beer. Craft beers…IPA’s in fact are my drink of choice.  Back when telling my success stories I talked about how prior to losing the weight I would come home, get into my pajama’s and start throwing back the Coors Lights. Then when I was losing the weight I never gave up beer, I just started drinking it moderation…like only on the weekends, or after long run or good workout session. I had a healthy relationship with beer and it was something I had control of and was still able to lose my weight and maintain it for almost 2 years.

This time around though, beer had become my enemy. It felt like a mix between a friend who has turned their back on you, or doing something that you know is wrong but it just feels so right.

I blogged before about how I ended up becoming part of the Weight Watchers ‘Believe’ campaign and the crazy events that happened leading up to the audition.  Being part of that campaign is still one of the things I am most proud of. I will never regret it and it will always be a story that I will share. But the thing is…I was riding a “high” in 2011…being able to tell my story and show off all my hard work in so many different outlets. The commercials played again and again. The pictures showed up here, there and everywhere. It was the best drug. But like all highs, they don’t last forever.

All of a sudden I wasn’t completely poor anymore. I had a little bit of money. Frank and I were able to do things we normally couldn’t afford to do. It was so completely new to me and I had no idea how to handle it properly.

When there’s nothing really exciting to do in town, the best thing to do is go out to dinner, or go to lunch, or go out and grab some drinks…then grab some drinks at the store and go home. See, this time I could afford all the craft beers my heart desired. I didn’t have to stick with the Coors Light that Frankie was drinking because it was all we could afford. I tried more beers in 2012 than I have in my entire life.

Here is the absolute truth…
The money I earned in sharing my success played an ENORMOUS role in my regaining all of my weight back (plus an extra 30). And a good portion of that (I don’t even want to know the percentage) money went to us eating out and/or drinking.

Of course, the money did make me gain weight…my choices did. But I didn’t know how to properly handle these choices and I chose wrong again, and again, and again…which eventually led me to where I am today…

It got back to the point where I couldn’t afford the craft beers everyday, so it was back to slamming down the Coors Lights.  And as I’ve mentioned before, I’ve been blessed/cursed with having a high tolerance for alcohol. Even at my goal weight I could still knock plenty of beer/wine back without getting drunk and stupid. So with the extra 100 lbs I was able to drink even more.

So I was drinking instead of running…or I would say I would run but then be too hung-over.
So I was drinking then having 2…3…4 servings (Who am I kidding…I didn’t even pay attention to the servings) of whatever I was eating…or I wouldn’t care what I was eating.
So I was drinking and staying up till 2am on a weeknight…or sometimes even later than that.

I stopped caring. I stopped counting Point Values. I stopped exercising. I stopped getting enough sleep. I stopped putting makeup on. I stopped caring about my appearance. I just stopped caring in general about myself.

Late January/Early February I was in an ambulance, pretty sure I was having a heart attack, but no…it was anxiety attack. But even that wasn’t enough to make me stop what I was doing to myself. I wasn’t anxious. I was depressed. I was embarrassed. And I just didn’t care…or so I thought.

Drinking in the excessive amount that I was made me think I didn’t care about myself at all. It made me think a lot of things. It made choose a lot of things I normally would not choose. It made me unhappy on different levels than I had experienced before. But even that wasn’t enough.

I can’t tell you what WAS enough. I can’t tell you that I had this “Ah-ha” moment that led me to wake the up hell up and see that I was slowly (and surely, I am sure) killing myself.  I’m not an alcoholic (as I’ve said before, and believe me, I have looked into it & consulted with Dr’s and other professionals)…I just have a tendency, like people do with food or other things, to binge and/or lose control. It doesn’t happen often and in fact this was probably the longest (and definitely the most damaging) out of control I have ever reached.

Then one day…I just didn’t have any beer or wine. One day turned into 11 days. It’s not the longest stretch I’ve ever gone without any alcohol. I didn’t plan it or set a goal. It just happened. And other than getting married this year it is probably one of the best things that I could have had happen to me. It gave me clarity. It let me see what I was missing in my life….MYSELF! I missed ME! I didn’t just miss Weight Watchers or running or blogging or being part of the “health & fitness” community…I missed who I was on a day to day basis. I missed putting on makeup in the morning…who the fuck am I kidding, I missed just being able to get out of bed in the morning!! I missed counting my WW points. I missed running. I missed feeling like I wasn’t going to pass out for the majority of the day.  I missed going to bed with my husband instead of waiting for him to go to bed so I could drink beers and listen to music all by myself (this can be a very dangerous combination for your mental health if you are not in the right frame of mind in the first place).  I missed actually enjoying a COUPLE of beers…not just drinking 20 of them “just because”.  This past Saturday I had my first beer in 11 days after my run with the Lake Effect Group and it was glorious! And you know what…I didn’t proceed to go ahead and have 20 more after that. I had control again. I knew how I did and how I did NOT want to feel.

“if I didn’t stop making the choices I was making who the hell knows where I would have ended up” …I probably would have turned into an alcoholic. I probably would have added more health issues to myself. I probably would have gone over 300 lbs. I probably would have never ran another mile again. Scariest thing to think about…I probably would have let the thoughts and self hatred eat at me enough that one night I would have let them get me for good.  I kept all these issues to myself for the most part and eventually it would have ruined me completely. 

So that sentence is my “Ah-ha” moment that keeps me on the track I have been on the past few weeks. One where I am taking care of myself, inside and out…One where I am not drinking to just say “screw all of it” and letting it become a nasty habit …One where every day I am trying to look at today instead of yesterday.

I can’t fully describe how much better I feel. And I can’t thank everyone here and on social media who have complemented me on how I have looked lately…you guys have no idea how much it means to me, especially right now. Funny thing is, people keep saying I look healthy and glowing…well I’m pretty good with a makeup brush ;) and I haven’t lost a noticeable amount of weight yet, but I think just the elimination of beers during the week and the decrease in consumption has done wonders on my overall appearance…thanks to less bloat in my face and eyes and of course, more sleep! Which in turn gives me more confidence which in turn makes me feel better about life in general which in turn makes me make better choices for my body which in turn keeps on turning stuff into a positive rather than a negative.

Everybody has a moment where something gets out of hand…even sometimes the things that make us healthy can turn into something negative if we abuse the feelings we get from them. Just try to step back for a moment. Give yourself a moment to clear your mind. Free yourself from its grip and examine how you *really* feel. Think about what it is that you truly want for yourself…from yourself.  I will never give up beer, but I always give up any power that I accidently let it hold on me.

Sometimes you fall down a hole so hard and so far that you think “what’s the point of even trying to get out”…but there is always a point. You can always get out. You might break a few nails or sprain a few bones clawing and climbing your way back up, but you will heal and you feel even stronger than before. You will have more knowledge than you did before…and next time, you might just be able to catch yourself before you fall again.