Refusing to feel defeated

The other day I went to Target to get some coffee and like any good shopper with zero money to spend I went the long way so I could circle the entire store and torture myself with all the things I couldn’t afford to buy. It completely slipped my mind as to what “holiday” is approaching and how lovely Target dedicates an entire corner of their store to these holidays.

I was stopped dead in my tracks. There is was. Like someone had one too many Cosmopolitans and vomited all in the corner. VALENTINES DAY.

I stood there frozen in time for probably a good 5 minutes. At the edge of an end cap by the “New Year, New You!” workout gear. I was peering at this red and pink section and could not seem to take my eyes off of it.

Many of you know that Valentine’s Day was a big “holiday” for Frank and me. I’ve written many blog posts over the years about how we would skip things like Christmas and birthdays and go all out on this day. I would get a fancy dressed and we would throw down some major green on a really nice dinner. Valentine’s Day was also the day he proposed to me. As cliche as it was, it was our special day.

Prior to him it was never a big day for me either way. Sure flowers are nice and a little extra attention is always appreciated. But it was never one I got mad or sad about if I didn’t have a valentine and it wasn’t a holiday where I had any real expectations.

So what do I do now? How do I feel about February 14^th? Where do I go from here?

Well I can do a couple of things. I can become bitter. I can be angry. I can be resentful. I can also be sad and feel sorry for myself. I can curse the day and be like many single ladies and call BS on that day.

Or I can choose to persevere. I can choose to not give up hope. I can remain optimistic and accept that I was lucky enough to have many wonderful Valentine’s Day with an amazing man, but that doesn’t mean I will never have any more amazing Valentine's.  I will not be defeated. I will not lose hope.

As I stood there staring at all the Valentine’s Day delights like Michael Myers eyeing down Jamie Lee Curtis behind some fresh white sheets blowing in the breeze, I decided to not become that first person. I will not become jaded or cynical. It's so easy to do but I just won't. I won’t bash that day or trash love. Maybe I won’t have a special Valentine this year and that’s OK, because I can love myself a little extra that day. And McDonald's is taking reservations this year so this is just proof that the path I’ve chosen is the correct one for me.   

I'm alive. So alive.

My oh my it has been quite a while. As the time comes for me to renew my domain I’ve been asking myself, do I or don’t I? Of course I always do and then I make one post and never return this site again. But a lot has changed in my life since I last wrote and I can see a door more widely open that was only really cracked before. I hope to write more. Even if it's the mundane stuff. Even if it's just more detailed explanations of my pointless Instagram photos (if you follow me there this post will most likely be a bore to you as I pretty much live a lot of my life out there). 

So what has changed? Well first, here are some things that have not changed…

I am proudly still sober. If I keep true to my path I will hit my 3 year anniversary in February. 3 years?! Does it feel like 3 years to you guys?! I feel like I was just playing coy about not drinking anymore. Getting sober is without a doubt the best decision I have made in my life. My life has changed in such amazing and extraordinary ways. Are there days that I miss it? You bet. I was an alcoholic for fucks sake. Every day is a battle, but it’s a battle I win and will continue to try and win till the very end of my days.

I have kept my weight off!! I’m still about 10 pounds away from my “commercial weight” but I haven’t let my weight creep back up. I’ve had A LOT of stresses this past year (I will get into that shortly) so I’ve seen a 5-10 pound increase and decrease the past few months, but I’ve been pretty steady. And that to me is an extreme success. Am I still following Weight Watchers?? Not really. I will go more into that in a separate post. But when life starts to get me down and I feel like crap I really turn the focus onto what can *I* do to make myself feel better? What can *I* control? I can’t control what’s happening around me and I can’t control the actions of others, but *I* can control how I treat myself and my body and that gives me a sense of peace around the chaos. Do I always make the right choices? Hell no!! The other day I bought a 2 pack of chocolate chip muffins because they were ½ off. I ate one…then ate the other because what if it went bad overnight?! That would be wasted money and wasted food and nobody wants to see that!! 80/20 people!! Live by the 80/20!!

I’m still running. Not only am I running….I’m ruuuuuuunning!! I’m running longer, stronger and better than ever before!! In 2016 I ran over 800 miles (806.60 miles to be exact). I also reached new PR’s in my 5K, Half Marathon and Full Marathon. I’m also currently in a runstreak that started on Thanksgiving. The goal was to go from Thanksgiving to New Year’s Day but I’ve felt so amazing and have seen such great results that I am still going strong!! Stepping up my running game has also brought upon two amazing opportunities, as I have been chosen as an Ambassador for not one but TWO great companies!! I am proud to represent for Zensah and Nuun!! You guys all know that I don’t promote or encourage anything that I don’t like myself. Even though others have told me to do otherwise, I’ve never accepted money to talk about something I don’t like or believe in or use myself. I don’t even sell ads on this site for that reason. But I truly love the products that both of these companies offer so I will happily and proudly promote the shit out of them all year long!!

My cats are still awesome. My Spotify playlists are still banging. And my love affair with French Fries is still hot.

So what has changed? Where to start. Let’s go with the easier one first.

My hair!! After 17 years of dying my hair jet black I felt it was time to make a change. I had been contemplating it for a while and had started making small steps towards leaving the dark side behind (only on my head…the dark side will always live within my heart), but then for this past Halloween I had a wig that was a light auburn brown color and I (along with many of you) fell in love with it. So in November I decided to take drastic measures and make the leap. While I have moments where I do miss my raven hair, I *LOVE* this lighter color!! I really feel it suits me more for who I am today. But don’t be fooled…many have said “it gives you such a lighter, softer, friendlier look”… I still hate humanity just as much and prefer to not be approached.

I'm not smiling a big smile like I do lately but believe when I say I am very happy, lol.

Now onto the biggest change, not only of my year, but my life. A year ago (almost to the day), Frank and I separated. This has by far been the most difficult choice I have ever had to make. And this choice was solely mine, which of course has just made the whole process that much more exhausting. Leaving someone you love is never easy, especially when they love you immensely back. But a marriage cannot survive on love alone. Marriage is work. Any relationship is work. But what happens when you’re the only one putting in the work?? Over time that drains you. It breaks you down. It leaves you feeling depleted in excruciating ways. This wasn’t a decision that happened over night. It was really something that was years in the making I believe. Did my sobriety play a part in this? Without a doubt. Our interests and views of what we want out of live became so far apart from each other that trying to meet back up again felt like one of us had to make sacrifices that they just shouldn’t have to make. I have changed, there is no doubt about that. I have never had such “zest” for life as I do today. My personality of just bum around and watch TV is almost nonexistent (though I still love to do some binge watching with my current lover, Netflix). Our marriage not working out is not his fault and I've really accepted that it’s not mine either. Sure, I have days of guilt and sadness. To say that this past year has been a wave of emotions would be an understatement. But when the waves calm down, the rhythm in the water brings upon the most peaceful feeling I have ever felt. I will never not love him and I will never, ever regret the life we shared together. As cliche as it sounds sometimes people really do just grow apart. That surely doesn't make our impending divorce any easier, but it does make it inevitable. While we still have our moments, we are both hoping to be able to remain friends and pillars of support in each other’s lives (that’s what they all say, huh?).

I am currently living on my own. I did this for a short time a LONG time ago but never really like this. The first 6 months of our separation Frank and I still lived together and well, it wasn’t good…we’ll just say that (did I mention that we still work together too??). But in June I was blessed with an opportunity to finally break away from all that bad energy and start living happily ever after with my cats. Sure, financially it can be a huge struggle but I love it. I love my apartment. I love my space. I love my freedom. I love my peace. I love my comfort. Living on my own forced me to really look at my life and examine the choices I was making. Was this right for me? Did I do the right thing? What *am* I looking for? This past year I’ve done some amazing things and I’ve met some amazing people. I haven’t always made the best decisions or acted in my own best interest, but each and every day I feel clearer about what I want and who I am. I am at peace...I am content...and even some days , I am happy. I’ve started 2017 by standing firm in what I want in life and what I don’t. Each day I try not to let the feelings of others guilt me into making choices or decisions that I do not want to make.  I’m trying to learn to say “No” without having to give a reason why. I haven’t gone all “eat, pray, love” but I’ve definitely done a lot of soul searching and self-exploration this year and I look forward to continuing that and seeing what amazing things that brings into my life.

So….uh….yeah….how was your 2016??

Because I am a masochist...

If you follow me on my social media accounts then you probably already know that I am running the Lake Effect Half Marathon this weekend. Yes…against my better judgement I signed up months ago to tackle this race again. In case you are new around here or you forgot…this race was the hardest race I have ever ran. I’m not going to relive the experience and go into details again but you can read the recap here.

I decided though that I don’t want last years’ experience to be my final experience with this race. For as many reasons as to why I don’t like this race there are things that trump over all of them. Biggest one being, this race is like one giant family event. The Lake Effect Run Club is my family and this is our yearly party…if running 13.1 miles on a double out and back course in the middle of winter in Central New York is your idea of a party.

I have one goal for this race. Just one…and that is not have the mental breakdown that I had last year. I don’t care how long it takes me. I don’t care if I have to walk a few times. I don’t care if I don’t run as strongly as I have been lately. I just want to not mentally breakdown like I did last year.  (And given the certain circumstances in my personal life right now, this is really asking a lot)

One thing that is happening again are my efforts to raise money for Ophelia’s Place. I can’t say enough good things about this charity and all they do. While I did hit the $500 goal I had, I thought it would be totally badass (and because I, myself, are badass) to try and raise $666…ya know….in the name of Rock ‘n Roll!! I'm currently about $65 away from reaching that goal (and I would be beyond excited to exceed it). I'd also like to be in the top 3 fundraisers and I'm #4 right now. So I am kindly asking that if you are able and willing to donate towards me raising as much money as I possibly can for Ophelia’s Place, I will be forever thankful for your added support. The money goes directly to them and is used to help change and save the lives of so many.

You can go to my personal fundraising page here.

Also…I celebrated 2 years sober yesterday. GO ME!!