Weighing In

Tonight I am going back to my Thursday night Weight Watchers meeting. The same one I have been attending for almost 4 years.
Tonight I am weighing in for the first time in a month.

Tonight the scales will be up. They will be up a significant amount. No not 101 lbs up, not even half of that or close to that. But they will up and it won’t be pretty. (I’m estimating 15-20)

And I don’t care. Because I'm moving away from treating myself poorly.

Tonight I am weighing in for me, and only for me. The same reason I used to get on the scales weekly. I’m not weighing in because it’s corporate policy. I’m not weighing in because of maintaining Lifetime status.

I am weighing in for me.

It is time to put myself first again. It’s time to stop being so serious. It’s time to stop feeling ashamed and embarrassed. It’s time to take back control. It's time really be *me* again.

And because I know myself and I know what I have learned from Weight Watchers…I do not want to turn 15-20 into 35-40, and 55-60 and 75-80 and 95-100.

I love myself and I deserve the best!!

So tonight I will be brave!! Tonight I will stand with my head up high and accept that I made poor choices. I will accept that the past is the past and I can’t do anything about it….but change my present.

I am ready to move forward. I am ready to start tracking again, moving again, and making smart choices again. I am ready to be the me I have forgotten to be these past few months.

Tonight I am weighing in for me, and only for me. I am awesome.

Crazy is as Crazy does…

So..

I kind of did something super stupid today.

Remember last year when I ran my first marathon in horrendous conditions.

(Remember all the awesome stuff that happened afterwards)

((insert all the eye rolls to my super awesome hyper links here))

Yeah….well……you see…..

I done gone stupid again.

I don’t know if it’s the fact that I feel I have no motivating factors with me anymore (yes), or the need to have a goal again (yes), or the want to have a better full marathon experience (yes), but something inside tells me that I *have* to do this. 

That’s right folks…

I am running the Wineglass Marathon AGAIN, my 2nd full marathon,

this year on September 30th!!

Again, plan or no plan. Again, fully ready or not…this race is my destiny.  It’s my legacy in a way…considering we don’t get big marathons around here.  I won’t travel that far away for a full…fuck…I don’t even want to do a full locally, but I’m going to do it.

Why??

Because sometimes…we have to push our ourselves. 

Because sometimes…we need to strive for something more.

Because sometimes.. we cut our selves short.

Because sometimes… We are far more awesome than we give our selves credit for.

Because sometimes… we’ve been screwing around off program far too long enough…

Training plan. No training plan. I will run this 26.2 just like I ran the last…

With heart, determination, and pure craziness.

For all of you, for my friends, for my family, but most of all…for ME…

Hopefully this time I won’t get deathly sick, but a who knows what kind of outcome will enter my life this time…

I’m pretty sure nothing will beat last time or live up to it but hey,

I like to beat myself up a little xoxo 

It’s not easy…

I don’t know where to begin…

I’ve been 10 lbs or so lbs over my goal weight…I’m almost 30 lbs from my NYC shoot….

The #’s are nothing to me. It’s how I  feel.

And I feel like fucking shit!!

I remember when maintenance was such a light…such a joy!! I had made it!! This was my time to live…in my new body…my new soul…my new ME!!

ENJOY IT NOW!!  Because I am sorry but one thing I learned…a year in WW maintenance  is NOTHING!! I was on cloud 9 too, taking TONS of pictures, GLOATING about how GREAT I felt…it gets old…it gets common…this is the real situation…the stigma wears off…

I thought I had the system beat…people who lose weight and regain it.  I thought, given EVERYTHING amazing that has happened to me, that I beat the fall back…

You don’t know….you just don’t know…

I’m so lost.

I don’t regret or want to take back ANYTHING I have done for WW…everytime someone writes, tweets, FB, ANYTHING about seeing me in a WW ad, I get giddy and excited!! I could NOT be more proud!!
THAT’S MY LIFE!!  I LOVE AND LIVE WEIGHT WATCHERS!!

But people struggle….

more than a pound or two….

people struggle…

pressure…its hard. I feel I need to be perfect for you guys, even though I’ve never fucking been perfect.

I feel:

• embarrassed
• ashamed
• scared
• frustrated
• scared
• angry
• pissed
• violate
• scorn
• disappointed
• depressed
• upset
• sad
• numb
• hopeful
• rock bottom
• not good enough
• not worthy
• not sexy
• not beautiful

MOTHER FUCKING ANGRY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I don’t like this…I don’t like these feelings…and while I like angry…I like it at everyone but myself.  I can always help everyone else, but I can never seem to help myself. Maybe I need to step in…again…

**Edit: Thank you so much to every one for their kind words. You have no idea how much it means to me to have all of your support, and knowing that I'm not alone. I woke up wondering if I should take this post down, but I've never done that before and I don't intend to start now. Writing this was helpful for me. And while it's painful to read over, it's made me realize that I have to be more honest with myself and that I need to take care of *me*.  I didn't gain 101 lbs back...I didn't gain half of that back...I gained a little, and I've learned A LOT.  I know what I need to do to get back to my goal weight and most importantly, I know what I need to do to feel like my happy, beautiful self again. XOXO

Weight Loss Boss

Sometimes things happen in my life that I just can’t seem to grasp….

an engagement,

a national campaign,

TV spots, Magazine Ad’s, online features…

It still till this day seems like a dream.  I don’t know if it will EVER hit me. 

The other day while driving to work, I turned to Frankie (who for the record was driving so no harm was potentially done to fellow drivers) and said “OH MY GOD” and I began to sob…

then it hit me…I’ve been online, I’ve been on TV, I’ve been in magazines and now…

I’m in a book!!!!

I am BEYOND THE MOON happy to say that I am part of this amazing book!! I can not believe that I was asked to be part of something so special and I still can’t believe it’s happening.  Another amazing piece in this amazing puzzle.

Here’s the thing…I could tell you to go out and buy this book JUST because I’m in it, but there are SO many other reasons why you should (none of which I get paid for by the way so you buying this book is just awesome…it doesn’t help my wallet at all so that’s not why I’m writing this post…however if you want to give me $$ email me. We can work something out)…

Here is the synopsis of the book:

LEARN HOW HE LOST WEIGHT AND IS KEEPING IT OFF
In this surprising memoir, Kirchhoff chronicles his slide from lanky kid to officially obese 34 year old, his struggles to maintain a healthy relationship with food and his quest to find an exercise regimen that sticks.
Sprinkled among the blunt confessions, hard-won knowledge and weight-loss science, you'll also find inspiring profiles of the struggles and success stories of everyday Weight Watchers members and celebrity friends (I’m pretty sure they are talking about me here ;P), including an original piece by Weight Watchers ambassador for men, Charles Barkley.

Why am I so proud to part of this book:

1. Well…it has ME in it…lets not be stupid here people. That’s fucking awesome!!
2. Kiss ass but total honest moment…David Kirchhoff has paved a new path for Weight Watchers.  One that I have followed and hopefully helped to have many follow.  This isn’t your grandma’s program anymore (though we love our gram's!!).  He has taken WW and transformed it into something bigger and better.  He has expanded the traditional barriers of a CEO and has embraced the people…the people who make the company that he is CEO of a success!! And he knows it.  He may be the CEO of WW, but he is a member first and he never forgets it.  As a woman in business, he is a man and leader that I look up to.  And listen here Mr. K…I’m kind of after your job. I’m a littler bit hotter and I’m pretty sure I can drink you under the table..so watch out
3. SO many amazing, inspirational REAL stories!! This book is REAL!! Real stories…real struggles…real solutions!!
4. More inspiration to motivate my community!! Since the commercials, it’s been AMAZING to see the local response.  I haven’t even done local news or newspapers but people heard & know. The amount of people that have joined WW since seeing my commercial is AMAZING.  And hearing members stories & talking to them, giving them hope…I love what I’m hopefully doing for CNY. 
5. Um….the BEST part of this book…

THAT’S RIGHT!!!!!! ALL the profits go to the amazing No Kid Hungry Campaign. This is a HUGE deal for me, as over the past year I have become more aware and more active in this disgusting epidemic that is effecting our country.  So for me to be part of something that is HELPING this cause…well, I could not ask for more.

The book comes out May 8th.  You can pre-order it here:

Don’t just order it because I’m in it (or do). Don’t just order it because a great man wrote it (or do).  Don’t just order it because it’s Weight Watchers related (or do).

Order it because it’s just another amazing anchor that Weight Watchers provides to you to continue on the amazing journey you are on to becoming a more happy and healthy you!! And just think about what your purchase gives…IT GIVES BACK!!

And for a limited time I’m willing to sign copies of the book for a meer $100.00.  I would charge less..but you know…I’m kind of a big deal.

OK FINE….I will do it for free….jeez you guys are cheap. I’m still a big deal!!

Dear Beer

Dear Beer-
Hey. It’s Suzi. I’d ask you how you are but I already know the answer…you’re good. Real good. Too good.

You know, I bought my very first homebrewing kit so I can make some of your delicious, magical ale myself!! I am *very* excited about this. It is just another way for me to show my love for you.

However, I write this letter with a bit of regret.

You see, I’ve been sick for a while now. And during that sickness, I turned to you, a lot. And not your light friends. I turned to your heavy, golden, hoppy friends. Even while on all my medications to get rid of the crazy flu/bronchitis/sinus infection crap, I still cradled up with you on the couch. Hoping that you would give me ease.

Well I have to face the fact that you are not giving me ease. You tempted me with your evil ways and I once again fell into a trap that I was in many years ago. Remember that time?? When I was 101 lbs heavier than I am now…yeah, that time. You’re making me make bad choices, be lazy, and feel yucky.

So I have to change the rules of our relationship. Of course, I’m not giving you up completely…let’s not get silly here. But it looks like I’m back to your light brews for a little while. Actually I think I will wait to have my next craft beer until it’s *MY* craft beer!!

This isn’t the first time I have had to alter our relationship. I’ve written a similar letter like this before. I know you will be upset & you will try to tempt me each and every day, but deep down I know that this is something I need to do. Not to just lose the 10 lbs I’ve put back on (thanks to being sick mostly) but just to feel better about myself & get back into my normal, healthy routines.

You and I need to learn to be ying & yang again. And we will. I know we can make this work since we have so many times in the past.

With Love- Suzi
Xoxo

This is not for me!!

My god…I need to hire someone to do my blog posts apparently.  Fuck, am I lazy or what?!

Here comes the part where I blame it on weather, the season, my being sick with the flu….much hasn’t changed since my last blog post huh?? Eh…it has gotten better.  A bit.

Then there was tonight…

I recently, officially, became a Weight Watchers leader.  And just this past week, I was blessed with my very first OWN meeting,

I met with them tonight…staying quite.  Even though my poster hung in front of all of them and they looked and me puzzled, I didn’t say a word.  I waited and waited…then it came.  The leader now is moving and it was sad, and very emotional.  Some will go, most will stay with me I hope. 

I hear things like “Oooh, we have a celebrity leader!!” which made me giggle.  How sweet.

The thing is…I felt at peace with these people at once.  They started talking about drinking wine (I’m sorry…HELLO?!) and their energy was contagious.  I fell in love with them instantly.  They kept joking joking about alcohol and I said “Oh group..you have no idea…this may turn into an AA meeting, not a WW meeting” LMAO!! They loved that.  I’m good at charm

Something in my snapped…this isn’t about me.  This meeting isn’t about me.  It’s about them.  A woman was so brave enough to come up to me and tell me what she and her friend are looking for…homework!! I like it!!  Two others gave me a hug…

This meeting is not about me.

I’ve been a WW member for 3 and 1/2+ years….

This meeting is not about me.

Then it hit me.

When I chose to be on your meetings wall, on your TV, in your magazine… I chose to not have it be all about me.

Still, I need my outlet.  I need someone smacking me and telling me to knock it off, but…

I signed up to help all of YOU.  I signed up to show you that even “famous” ones screw up, get lost, and get back on track.  Weight loss is not perfect.  Life is not perfect.  If it was…we’d all be those hot bikini shots plastered every where, lol.

This seems like a hard task to burden...and it is.  But I know that this is the task I wish to carry out.  It wont always be perfect, or even meet within their guidelines, but it's a task I will never quite on, never give up on...never fight for.

I will find my own meeting again. (Kinda hard to do when you are plastered IN the meeting…but at the same time, I’m not complaining…I’m leaving the meeting I’ve attended for 3+ years, but that’s another blog post…good for long time WW members…)

But…

THIS IS FOR YOU!!!!! That’s *why* I do this!!

Being able to lead this group is one of the happiest things to happen in my life!!  I feel blessed and honored and deep down, minus my fears and anxiety, I know that this is for me. I am meant to do this.  This is my path. 

And it could be yours….

I'm ready for Tuesdays!!!!

Failing

fail•ing n.


1. The act of a person or thing that fails; a failure.

2. A minor fault.

Some people say that failure is not an option. Other’s say that they don’t use the word “fail” in their life.

I would like to, and I believe on occasion I have, said the very same things. But truth is…I feel like a failure lately.

Everyone always says that one of the things that they love about this blog is my honesty. My willingness to admit when I have fucked up.  While it's something that I admire about myself too, it's not always so easy to be honest and open, not just with all of you but with myself as well.  In fact, I've been hiding a lot of stuff lately.  But enough is enough and maybe I need to do what has always worked, and just put it out there. Well ladies and gentleman, here’s some deep-cut honesty for you…

Truths:

-I have gained every single month since October
-I am currently 13 lbs above my goal weight (20 from where I was this time last year, but I was also 10 lbs under my goal weight so I try not to count that)
-My drinking has been WAY out of control. And when I say WAY I mean, WAY!!
-I haven’t exercised in about a month.
-None of my pants or skirts fit right, so I wear leggings pretty much every day.
-I feel like I weigh 252 lbs again on most days lately.
-I feel like everyone looks at me like I failed since I put on the weight (yes, I know it’s “only” 13 lbs, but again, it feels like 101). I feel like everyone see's a "chubby Suzi" now.
-I’ve been trying to get on track for 2 months now. I’m good for about 3 days, then it all goes to hell again.
-When I get home, I go straight into my pajamas. You know in my Weight Watcher commercial I say that “I don’t have to do any of it in sweat pants!” Yeah well…apparently I don’t want to anything but wear sweat pants as of late.
-Some weekends lately, I don’t even get dressed, unless it’s to go to the store to buy more beer.
-I’ve distanced myself as of lately from this blog not because I’ve been SO busy but because I feel like writing about anything positive or upbeat would be lying to you all.
-I’ve had about 2,689,964 epiphanies or moments of “aha!” since December, only to lose them in about 5 minutes.
-All my mental talk is negative. It is rare that I say or think something nice about myself lately.

I’m sure I could go on and on with this list. I could go into the reasons of why I maybe feel like this…the weather, stress, work, too much celebrating all the blessing’s I have had this year.

I could go into the things I plan to do to fix it. Take more time for myself doing something other than sitting on the couch, cutting back my drinking, exercising again, going back to the roots of the Weight Watchers program and using the tools they provide us with to reframe and storyboard a new path, Et cetera Et cetera.

I can tell you what I definitely could do….

I could definitely stop beating my self up. I could stop being so fucking hard on myself and just accept it. It is what it is and I can not go back and change the past. I can not. I can sit here and constantly beat myself up over and over and over again and keep making negative comments about myself…but where is that going to take me?? What is that going to achieve?? NOTHING. Nothing but more bad behaviors, nothing but more self hate, nothing but more sadness and stress around my life, nothing but more added pounds.

I need to accept that I can’t fix this over night and that the problems won’t fix themselves. I have the power to change my actions. I have to accept and acknowledge that I will slip from time to time but that is not a reason to go into a complete downward spiral for the rest of the week. I need to forgive myself.

I need to believe in myself again. Because I *AM* awesome. Because I do *NOT* want to feel like a failure. Because I will *NEVER* go back to being the person I was.

I have been on this journey for over 3 years….this is my first real, big fall since becoming a Lifetime member in December of 2010 (actually my first gain since then came in November of last year). I can probably bet that it won’t be my last. I know I will come out of this stronger and wiser than before.

I want to go back to being the fabulous version of myself…so therefore….I will!!

*Bloggers Edit: I meant to add that personally, I am *very* happy. I have A LOT of amazing things going on in my life right now...I just got engaged to the man I love more than anything, a lot of great & amazing feedback from the beautiful Weight Watcher commercials I am honored to be a part of, My leader training is just about complete, I have great friends that I am making more of an effort to connect with on a regular basis.  This year had started out with a bang and so many amazing things are happening that I never even dreamed would ever come true. All this negativity and hate I am feeling is towards the way I am treating myself, not my environment.*