Plenty of dead carp in the creek

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So let’s talk about something that I’ve never ever talked about on this blog before, shall we…

Dating. More specifically…Dating apps.

I’m not a complete homebody. I do get out and around people, however they are usually crowds of people that I know and know well. I don’t really hang out bars and I can only sit at Starbucks and watch every cute guy walk in only to have his girlfriend or boyfriend behind their tail. I try to stay away from people I work with (Jesus H. Christ don’t get me started there). And I think I’ve maybe asked out like 2 people in my entire life…so as you can see, that’s working out in my favor, lol.

So where does that leave me?? …. It leaves me to explore the world of online dating.

Let me just say that so far I don’t have any great stories when it comes to online dating so in the meantime I thought I would share what are my top 10 fucking biggest pet peeves when it comes to online dating apps. So grab some popcorn, a drink, kick back and enjoy in my misery…

      1.)    “I’ll fill this in later.”, "Just ask", or the even more meaningful “????”..,..Seriously?? I mean really?? You can’t even put the damn effort into creating a somewhat interesting or at least a little bit informational profile on your dating app, but we’re supposed to believe that you’ll put effort into us and a possible relationship?!
      2.)    You have kids? Awesome! So is this profile for you or to date your children because I’m confused since all the pictures in your profile are of your children. Yes…great idea to use your children on apps where it seems that 90% of the people are looking for booty calls. Your children are going to love you for this later in life by the way.
      3.)    Getting into a fight with your girlfriend/wife yesterday does not mean you are single today.
      4.)    Why are 90% of the photos from guys at an angle that looks like you are sucking their dick?? Yes, because when browsing we think to ourselves "He is cute and all, but will he still be cute when I glance up from his penis????"
      5.)    Why are 98% of the guys on these apps holding a dead fish??
      6.)    We don’t want to see you on these apps with your shirt off. No, we *really* don’t.
      7.)    Don’t include pictures of yourself when you were 19 years old when you’re almost 40 now and look absolutely nothing like that. Save those pictures for another time…not in your profile.
      8.)    I love memes. I do. Put them in your damn profile and I’m swiping left.
      9.)    Saying “never” to smoking yet including pictures of you smoking. I feel like I’m goddamn Angela Landsbury and I just cracked a case!!
      10.) Apparently, every single man to ever walk the face of the earth loves hiking. Don’t believe me? Browse the dating apps. They all LOVE hiking! LOVE IT! (*bloggers note: upon further investigation they in fact do not love hiking. They love video games and hiking to the fridge to get a new Monster Energy drink)
   
      Bonus Peeve:
      11.) Look...I'm not judging this lifestyle if it's truly something you believe in or want for your life, but is anyone monogamous anymore or is everyone just saying they are "non-monogamous" so they can sleep around with lots of people????

So there you have it....online dating at it's finest...now you'll have to excuse me because I have to scroll and see what kind of fish "Jimmy4U" is holding up today. 

4 comments:

  1. You may be my favorite person ever. Well for the next 30 seconds.

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  2. I also hated it when anyone automatically shortened my name without asking, said they went to the University of Life, or had bad grammar or spelling!!

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  3. omg. Suzi Fucking Storm. you rock. keep on being you, girl. ((hugs)) platonic hugs! (sheesh, i don't wanna get caught up in and scandals...hahahahhahahaah)

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  4. There's a hilarious podcast by this female comedian, Nicole Byers, called "Why Won't You Date Me?" She interviews other comedians about their dating horror stories and issues with using dating apps, etc. So funny. I HATED online dating. The worst. :-(

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