Chasing the feeling...

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There are so many things in life that are unexplainable. Sometimes you can make yourself dizzy thinking about all of life’s how’s and when’s and what’s.

A question I’ve gotten a lot from people is them wanting to know the “WHAT”… What made me decide to lose weight? What made me finally get sober? Overall I think the answer is the same for both of those questions, along with many other similar moves I’ve made in life (divorce, new jobs, etc.) … the pain of staying the same is greater than the pain of changing.

Losing weight is hard as fuck. But staying at almost 300lbs is harder.

Getting sober is hard as fuck. But continuing to drink myself towards death every day is harder.

Leaving the person you love is hard as fuck. But living every day with that person knowing that you’re extremely unhealthy and unhappy is harder.

I guess maybe I can pinpoint a few things that seem kind of like a “this was it” moment that made me make these changes, but really none of them are exact moments. I don’t know if we really have “exact moments”. Maybe we get the thoughts rolling in our head and get those engines revving, but 9 times out of 10 that’s not when we finally put the pedal to medal and go.

Sometimes, the change, just happens.
Just like that.
Things are different.

Things that have been holding you hostage in your own life suddenly loosen their grip and you can really let them go. You can make the changes. You can start the motions. You can finally sit with the circumstances that you’ve been wanting to sit with.

Maybe that means finally getting around to cleaning out your kitchen cabinets, or setting that budget, or getting to the gym, or creating that meal plan, or going through your wardrobe, or blocking that phone #.


I went away on my own to the Catskills for a long weekend to celebrate my birthday and run my 19th half marathon. The Catskills is about 2 ½ hours away from me yet I had never been there. I stayed in this beautiful Airbnb where the host was so extremely sweet and kind and wise. She made me tea from her garden and told me stories of what was happening with nature on her land. I also met another couple who was staying there who are from Poland and I quickly adored and felt connected to them. My final day in the Catskills was spent driving around admiring all of the absolutely gorgeous Autumn foliage and the beautiful twists and turns or roads throughout the mountains. It was a new terrain that I had never been on before. It did something to me. It opened up doors for me and closed others. I can’t explain it.

I don’t know how. I don’t know why. There was no one exact moment where I said “yup, this is it” … but at some point I said to myself “I’m ready”. And just like that I started putting things into motion and starting setting myself up for the changes that I wanted to make happen.


Now because this is real life and I don’t come here to bullshit...will I be “ready” every day…hell no. But my advice that I’m sharing today is the same that I was sharing 10 years ago … hold onto your “ready” … when you start to fall, remember your “why” and remember that feeling that you just knew you were ready to be ready to move forward (that sounds like a mouthful but I think you know what I'm saying). I always say that one of the biggest things that has kept me sober is remembering how awful I felt when I was drinking and that is enough most days to keep me from picking up a drink. When I start to stray from what I want my current life to be I’ll remember that weekend in the Catskills and the people I met and the foliage and the driving through the mountains and just the sense of being free that washed over me.

It was more of a feeling, than just a moment, that has led to me making healthy changes … I’ll forever be chasing that feeling.  

4 comments:

  1. As always, you manage to say the right thing at the right time. I am finally taking back control of my life rather than being ruled by the little people all the time. It is hard to lose weight, but you're absolutely right, it's far harder to stay in that bubble of self loathing.

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  2. My dear friend: among your many talents is the ability to express what so many of us feel....I hope you know what an amazing person you are....Mary

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