There are some things that are hard to put into words. I don’t know how many times I’ve tried to type this post. I’ve thought about doing it in a video post but then it would just be me asking you to watch me babble on and on. Or what would probably happen is that I would have total mental time out and just stare weirdly into my iPad camera for like 5 minutes. That would be cool, no?
I do not say I am losing weight…I say (re)losing. Now some have deciphered this into me thinking it’s not as important or significant as the first (well technically 2nd) time around. However that could not be farther from the truth.
If anything, it is MORE significant to me. That’s why I've given it its own term…(re)losing.
See, it’s not like I lost 101 lbs 10 years ago. I didn’t give up Weight Watchers and decide to come back. I never left!! I have been an active member the entire time…yes, even as I was gaining 130 lbs back. Sure, I wasn’t doing shit with the plan, but I was in and out of meetings and I was randomly tracking. Trying…half assed, but trying to get back on program and get my shit together.
My big 101 lbs and then 130 lb gain all happened very quickly. The loss/gain/loss has all been within these past 5 years. I cannot forget about those 101 lbs I lost. I couldn’t “start new”…you cannot lose and regain that amount of weight in such a short period of time and expect to wipe the slate clean. Especially when I had so much happen to me and my story of losing the weight. It was only 4 years ago that I was shooting the commercial’s and campaign for Weight Watchers.
I can’t erase or forget those 101 lbs. They matter. They are part of me because they helped to shape me into who I am today…into what I do with this blog and what I’ve done with sharing my story and what I continue to put out there to hopefully inspire others.
|Taken exactly 1 year apart...April 2014 & April 2015|
These pounds lost now are smarter…they are wiser…they are not naïve…they are not there purely for vanity…they are not there for acceptance. They have given me knowledge that I thought I knew before and have taught me things I didn’t even think I had to know.
(Re)losing is kind of a contradiction at the same time though. The biggest part of (re)losing is letting go of the past. Letting go of where you were and accepting where you are right now. It’s not focusing so much on where you want to be (which ideally is right back where you were) but where you are at that moment and how to make the next moment better.
Letting go and forgetting are two different things though. I can let go of those 101 lbs but I can never forget them. I never not have them be part of my story. Jesus Christ my story in a New York Time’s Bestselling book. I hit my goal…I am a Weight Watchers Lifetime member. That will never change.
Now if I had done all of this 10-15 years ago, maybe I would have a different approach. But this is how I have learned to forgive myself and move on to (re)losing. Forgiveness is one of the biggest parts in the art of (re)losing. Forgiving myself for all abuse I put myself through, both mentally and physically. I did what I did. It happens. It happened! I can’t change it. I can’t undo it. All I can do is say “well, that fucking sucks but it’s time to move on now.” And that’s what I did.
That’s what I continue to do every day. It’s a fight. It’s not easy. I’m in this for the long haul. I will never say that I will “never be that girl again” or “never regain the weight”…but every day I will continue to fight for this body that I have worked hard for. Every day I will continue to make choices that I feel are the best for me at that time. This is not a diet. The choices I am making today have to be no different than the choices I will make a month or a year from now. Why get so angry over “accidentally” eating a pint of ice cream that you sabotage yourself for the rest of the week?! It’s not worth it. It’s going to happen.
These are not mistakes…they are not cheat days or cheat meal…they are choices. Good choices, alright choices and bad choices. Not every day is going to be filled with 100% good choices and if it did, well life would suck big time. The scale is always going to go up and down and up and down. It doesn’t matter if you are at goal weight or if you are just beginning your own weight loss journey…we are all a solider in the war against unwanted pounds. You don’t hit a # on the scale or get your WW Lifetime card and POOF…you can go back to eating like you did before. If you can’t live with the food choices you are making today, then you will never be able to live with them a year from now.
And while I will never say that I am “glad” that I regained all of the weight, I am thankful for what regaining the weight has taught me. Things this time around have been different. I care less about #’s and more about how I feel and how I like what I see in the mirror. It’s ok to be a little vain sometimes…it’s healthy and I think that keeps me more on track than anything else really. I don’t obsess about going over my daily or weekly points. I’m not going crazy to make sure I get all my exercise in. It is what it is. As long as I am trying each day to make the best, healthy choices that I can then I think I am doing all right. And 90 lbs (re)lost later…I think I can comfortably say that for right now I am in control and I don't feel like I am going to lose that anytime soon.