Goodbye Brewfest...

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Today is the CNY Brewfest. As many of you know today was like a holiday for my family and I. It was our Super Bowl. Family would drive 40 minutes to come to this event. We would spend 3 hours sampling some of the most delicious beer offered here in the great USA. Great times would be had and great people would be met. I've blogged about it many times and through that I was able to meet the creators and directors of the CNY Brewfest, along with many great regular attendees.
I was one of them regular attendees.

It's almost 11am right now. Right now I would be just about ready to crack open my first beer at home...pre-game time!

This is my first year not attending the CNY Brewfest. Why? Well because I am 11 months and 12 days sober.

I've been confused as to why today is so difficult for me. I've been having a really rough time about it all. I've even cried a few times this morning. So many times I have said to myself "It's just ONE day...a few hours...one day of fun drinking with your family and friends...fun memories...ONE day, that's all...you counting the days of sobriety is really no big deal, so you'd just start over? Or not keep track at all. It's just ONE day of fun!"

That's when it hit me. I know why today is so hard to deal with.

Because the brewfest WAS nothing but fun! It was one of the few times where drinking WAS FUN.

See, I wasn't someone who got "drunk" a lot. I was a binge drinker with an extremely high tolerance for alcohol. I could drink 15-20 beers and still be able to stand and carry on a conversation. When I was in my deepest days of binge drinking I would still be able to remember every phone call, text or post made. I was a at home drinker. I was a wait till my husband went to bed & then pound 6 beers in 30 minutes drinker then plan my own funeral drinker. None of it was fun drinking. None of it brought laughter.

But the Brewfest? That was fun. That brought laughter. That brought memories that I still smile fondly at. I still look at pictures and remember the great time we were having at that moment (well, most of them I remember, lol).
          
Today is hard because it was one of the very few moments I had where drinking was a good time for me. It wasn't about me drinking myself to death or curling up with my headphones all alone & going over all of my self hate. The brewfest was a day where I was the girl I was for so many years...the girl who just truly loved craft beer.

Well, the fact is...I still am a girl who truly loves craft beer. But like some things in life you love, you have to let them go because they are not the best thing for you.

So I guess the CNY Brewfest is like an ex lover. It is something that I will forever be grateful for and will always love in one form or another. I will always be thankful for all of the smiles and laughs it brought into my life and every now and then I will remember back to them & think of how lucky I am that I got to experience all those great times.

But I know that today would not just be ONE day. I would want more. I would *need* more. Tomorrow would turn into a day to help ease the pain of the hangover from today's fun. I would drink a couple to ease the pain and then drink some more to erase the pain that follows. ONE day of fun could easily turn into a life time of hell for myself.

I wan't always an alcoholic. I mean, it does run heavily on both sides of my family. But I was someone who could control her drinking. And the brewfest is a great exmaple of how drinking used to be fun for me. And that is what I miss. That has been the hardest part in staying sober. But like I said earlier...those fun moments were barely seen through all the non-fun moments.

Confession: Last year at the brewfest, I turned to my husband and said “This might be my last brewfest.”… That was it. That’s all I said and he asked no questions. I didn’t know why I said it. Well I guess I did. Things were getting pretty bad…calls to suicide hotlines, inability to ride in a car without getting sick, ect.. But it would be a couple more weeks until I would put down my very last beer.
          
Today I will be thankful, not sad, about the CNY Brewfest. I will be thankful that I got have some great drinking memories, because sometimes the bad ones are just too hard to swallow. And I will accept that while I wish I could enjoy just one day of drinking, it is not what is in the best interest for myself and so therefore I must let it go.

So thank you, CNY Brewfest, for all the great memories and laughs.

6 comments:

  1. You are incredible Suzi. I'm sure this was hard. You are incredibly inspiring. Thank you so much for sharing your journey! Ev

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  2. Suzie you are doing an amazing job. Now instead of craft beer its crafting a beautiful real life your doing- and each year it will be even better- that suzi crafted beautiful life.,, You inspire and help so many people reading this. Keep going keep going. We are all cheering you onxx

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  3. Sending you hugs today - you're such an inspiration! I hope you have a wonderful day and of course a sober day as well!

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  4. Suzie I have been a LONG LONG time follower and I would love to just hug you! you are doing so amazing. I am so happy for you!

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  5. I know a year is coming up, so, so proud of you Suzi.

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