I will never be a birth parent...

14 comments
This is a post that has been in the works for months. I think I have about 113 different drafts worked up. I would get ready to post one but then something would happen, whether it was personally or in general society, and it just wouldn’t seem like the right or appropriate time.
I will never be a birth mom. I will never have someone call me “mom” and know those words in their 100% true form.
And that is OK.
I had already kind of made that decision when I was very young. Sure, like most little girl’s I enjoyed playing with baby dolls and actually began babysitting when I was only 9 or 10 years old (I matured very, very quickly…both physically & mentally). But it didn’t take me long to realize that having children just might not be in my cards.
Then Mother Nature pretty much sealed the deal for me. I’ve struggled with endometriosis since I was a teenager. I even was even lucky enough to go through 7 months of treatment that put my body into menopause…I was 23…23 and in menopause =’s NO FUN!! There are also a few other “female plumbing” issues that would make giving birth to a child not just very difficult but also threatening to myself and any child that I may possibly try to carry.
And to be 100% honest…I find it extremely selfish to try and bring a child into this world knowing that it could possibly kill/hurt me or them. It is not a risk I am willing to take.
So I am not doing it.
Why else? Because, well, I AM selfish!! I like my time. I like my space. I’m an only child and I don’t always play well with others. I like to do things on my time and at my will. I mean, that’s not ALWAYS the case but it’s certainly a nice luxury that I know a lot of my friends with young children do not have. Also it is not something that financially could fit into our life. My husband and I struggle to just keep a roof over our heads. My debt from college (and credit cards when I was younger) is something that will go with me to the grave…hell, I can’t even have a bank account…so I have nothing to offer in the future in terms of financial assistance when times like college, marriage and all of what may arise.
I know that money and selflessness are not the primary traits of what makes a person a good parent…a good mother. LOVE is. And I do have lots of that. I love to take care of people. Sometimes too much. I have a very big heart and I am a very nurturing person. I am a great listener and I’d like to think that I would have a lot of great qualities as a mother. And I would be lying if I said that I never thought at times that it would be nice to have a child of our own with whom I could give all that love and nurturing to. It’s a thought that comes…and goes very quickly.
Another major factor for me…my husband is 44 years old. He doesn’t want to be the type of father that can’t play with his children and I don’t blame him for that. Though he has always said that if I wanted to (this was before we learned about all of the difficulties that could happen) that he would be on board. I’m 30 years old now and this was a conversation we had many, many years ago. My stance has not changed and neither has his. But, he has an amazing son already.
I am a stepmother. And I love my stepson with all of my heart. I would move mountains for that kid (who will be 16 this year…EEK!!). The love that we share is plenty enough to fill that “child role” in my heart. I don’t have to be his biological mother to have a mothers love for him.
Months ago I had asked a handful of my friends, in real life and online, if I could share a few pictures of their new babies for this post. But Jesus Christ…you guys all keep going and getting yourselves knocked up!! So I have decided to forgo including them so no one feels left out or unloved. Truth is…I am *SO* happy for all of you who have been blessed with parenthood. I don’t get bitter or angry when I see you post pictures or hear you talk about your baby. Seeing all of you glow with love is inspiring.
But you know what…I see a lot of us out there who are not posting pictures or talking about babies and THAT IS OK TOO!! Just because we don’t have a baby doesn’t mean that our marriage/relationship isn’t strong. It doesn’t mean that we are awful, selfish people. It doesn’t mean that we are loveless creatures. It means that we have made a choice that we feel is best for us. And honestly, it’s a choice that some people out there should’ve made but didn’t (a few times!).
Don’t ever tell me that I don’t know love because I didn’t push a baby out of my vagina. Don’t ever try to make me feel guilty for making a decision that I feel is best for me and my family. Don't ever try to make me feel like less of a person because I'm not bringing another person into this world. 
I will never be a birth parent…and that is OK.
Now, if you excuse me, I have to go give some love to my babies…my FURbabies (yes, I went there).

14 comments:

  1. Your stepson is a lucky kid. As an adopted child, I can say that it is not where or who you come from, it's who loves you that makes a family.

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  2. I love this post. I hate it when I see women expected to reproduce. I have 2 kids and that was my choice but I don't see why it has to be for everyone. We are all free to make our own choices and it sounds like yours is the best for your family. It sucks that we're all expected to marry and have kids. I've never been married and I always get the "when are you going to get married?" questions so I can understand what it's like. Societal expectations are annoying! P.S. - glad you're posting again :)

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  3. I only have one child and had to use fertility treatments to get pregnant. My son is 3 and I get so sick of people asking when we are going to have baby #2. Also, I am 32 and my husband is 49. I would love for him to be able to retire at a decent age!

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  4. Wow! Thank you for this Suzi! I always thought I would be a mom someday. Since I was 23 I have worked at a job with crazy hours and the years just slipped by. Six years ago I met my husband and he already had two boys and did not want anymore children. I struggled for a long time with this. Ultimately I decided that I would rather be married to the love of my life and have two amazing step-son's, than to move on and possibly have children one day with someone else. At first my friends had a hard time with my choice and it did sting a bit hearing when family and friends were pregnant. Now at 39, I get to love on two boys 3 days a week and four puppies everyday and know that I will never be a birth mother and I am OK with that!

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  5. Well said! It doesn't matter in the least what other people think, you have to live your life how you choose. You are a kind and loving girl, never let anyone make you feel bad for your choices. Fur babies are good babies anyway, they don't usually talk back, and they are ALWAYS happy to see you. (I know I am a mom of a lot of kids, but I totally understand what you are saying. I have 11 daughters, a few of them in their late 20's, who aren't married, and you wouldn't believe how many people ask them about it.)

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  6. Very well written Suzie and I can relate to this partially. I never want children myself. Thank you for sharing and I always appreciate your honesty.

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  7. There is a chance that I may still have children, but if it's not in my cards, then it's not in my cards. But I'm not selfish. I grew up in a rough environment watching my parents throw venom and hate towards one another. I promised myself I would never bring a kid into an environment that I know isn't going to be healthy. I thank my lucky stars I didn't have kids with my ex husband when he pushed and pushed and pushed for them, because that would have been a mistake. I'm in a really healthy relationship now, but we will be together for the first time (long distance) in three years. I want to be with him and love on him. I do not need kids to interrupt that at all. And I have two nieces I can spend my extra money on to spoil.
    So, great post.

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  8. I am so with you...although I never had any plumbing problems, I just never had the desire for my own kids. Being a stepmother has been an amazing experience (with highs and lows, just like regular parenting), and I am REALLY grateful that I get to be Booboo (grandma) to my stepkids' kids. There's only one (for now) and I adore him more than I ever dreamed possible.

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  9. I wish I could put into words how much I needed this today. I have endometriosis too. And I know the 7 months of menopause you're talking about! I was 26. Me and the 55 year old woman who set next to me at work both had desk fans and hot flashes. By the time I was 30, I'd had three surgeries and they'd removed my left ovary. I always wanted kids. I always believed it was still possible somehow but never met my person. I could have gone the fertility help solo route but financially on my own would have been so difficult. Never mind after the fact. And now I'm 40, and I'm in your husband's shoes. Do I want to be an old mom? Not really. Sometimes it bothers me when people are always getting pregnant. 2014 is apparently the year of the baby. I've never known so many pregnant people all at one time. For the most part, I'm happy for every single one of them but there are days (usually right before my period obvi) that it just shreds me. And I remind myself of my freedom, how much sleep I get, and how for the most part, I am pretty happy. And the things I'm not happy about, I have the power to change.

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  10. Well crap. I commented. Then it made me log into google which I haven't done for ages. Had to go find password. Then when I finally got it, it brought me back here and the damn comment is gone. Sucks getting old. Anyway screw anyone that tells you what to do and how to feel. We are what we are and if ppl don't accept that it is their loss. Love my Suzi.

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  11. Thank you for putting this out there. I get asked all the time when we are having kids. we have been together for ten years, married for nine. If we haven't done it by now, we're probably not going to so please stop asking. We all need to remember that a family does not need to have children to be complete. I started my family the day I committed my life to my partner. We are a family of two.

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  12. Being a single mother SUCKS! Having to deal with rude behaviour, household chores and earning a decent living really gets me frustrated sometimes! Someone needs to teach some men about RESPONSIBILITY! My unknown pals at C2S agree completely! Check out http://click2scream.com/ today!

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  13. Thanks for posting this. I thought maybe I'd have kids some day, but then got cancer and after treatment that option is out. I'm OK with it, but tired of having to explain it to people.

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  14. I realize I'm late in reading this, but AMEN!

    As a stepmom to a WONDERFUL stepson, who doesn't want children of her own, I appreciate you putting into words what so many cannot understand!

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