Sunday, February 16, 2014

Dig my way to hell

First post on my iPad!! Thanks to my amazing valentine. Hope it doesn't get deleted but I contacted blogger and I think we fixed the issues.

So next Sunday I was supposed to run my "comeback" race!! The Lake Effect Half Marathon. I posted about it everywhere. I was going to be the shit. It was going to be epic. I was going to get back to ME...

What the fuck does that even mean????

When am I ever NOT ME?!?! 

Why do I continue to try and create these "moments" that apparently will create a miracle?!?!

I have never ran races for this reason...

Do I really need to create this "inspiring" moment to get "likes"...to get "acceptance"...

Here's an inspiring moment...I woke up today.

I'm pretty sure that I am at the lowest point of my life since I was 12-13 years old. And I'm pretty sure that I've tried like fucking hell to dig myself out of hell...

I'm not going to sugar coat it...Confidence?? Lost. Strength?? Weak. Endurance?? Little. 

Some days my self hate overwhelmes me. It's a struggle to push past it. But I do...not everyone can say that. 

I know what the answers are. I just have to accept them. Will I do that today...tomorrow...I don't know. But atleast I know the questions. So I still have hope. I'm not giving up. 

I will always dig my way to hell and back again...

And back again...

And back...

8 comments:

  1. Suzi, you have nothing to prove to anyone. We think you're awesome just the way you are RIGHT NOW. I think you're awesome because you share things that others don't. You are honest about your struggles. So you don't have to prove anything to anyone. Not even yourself. Take care of yourself.

    ReplyDelete
  2. I hear you loud and clear, sista. I second what Mel said - you are awsome just the way you a tee, and you don't have to prove anything to anyone. But, we are here to support you in whatever you do. Keep fighting.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Um, you are awesome just the way you are. Not sure what "you a tee" means.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Let yourself off the hook...you don't have to get back to anything! That was one journey, this is a new one. The new journey does not necessarily have to look like the old one. I am in a similar situation and am still struggling to find my way back to a healthy lifestyle and weight that I can maintain without feeling a slave to it. But I have finally given myself permission to find my way back however feels right.

    ReplyDelete
  5. You are always "you", but I know the feeling of feeling "not the best me." I am currently overweight by about 40 pounds. I've lost 50+ pounds in the last year, but I'm struggling to keep on the path (I haven't lost any real weight since November). I think I honestly needed time to adjust to being smaller before I kept going. That sounds weird, but I think it's the case. Now, I'm ready to move on. I'm glad to have shed the 50 pounds, but I'm ready to get rid of the last 30-40. You will get back out there and running, but you have to be ready for it and can't really force it. Accept who and where you are, and you'll find your way.

    ReplyDelete
  6. Dig baby dig!!!! My motto recently has been 'put one foot in front of the other'

    ReplyDelete
  7. I tried to motivate myself to exercise more and get back into running shape by signing up for races....nope, didn't happen...I ended up not showing up or giving the race packets to friends who wanted to run instead. I can't just go back to exactly what I was doing before I gained my weight back, I need to start from the START and do what feels good, I felt out a couple places to workout and to try and found what felt good, I hope you can find something that feels good and start there, start with the good, start with what makes you happy and positive. Instead of saying, "I can't do that." Find something that you can say, "I CAN DO THIS!" perhaps a walk around the block, perhaps your stairs a couple times, perhaps some wall pushups. P.S. Like everyone else has said, you rock :)

    ReplyDelete