Got Patience?

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Before I start this new post I just want to give an ENORMOUS *thank you* to every who read, commented, tweeted, FB shared, +1’d, shared with your cats, my last blog post. The response was much more than I expected. I can’t even tell you how many times I have gone back and re-read the comments (admitting I have no life right here I guess).

In case you missed it, David Kirchhoff, CEO of Weight Watchers and all around kick ass guy, responded to my blog post in a post of his own over at his blog Man Meets Scale.  Words can’t fully express how much his response meant/means to me. It really opened up the topic of weight –regain for so many. 

I am behind on emails, texts, FB messages and for that I do apologize if I haven’t gotten back to you yet. Please know that I read everything I’m sent and I will be working on getting back to each of you. I can’t believe the support that surrounds this “community”.

                                                                                                                                  

I am awful with being patient.

No seriously…is this blog post done yet??

I am the type who orders something online, gets a delivery date for maybe 5 days out and will check the tracking # about 5 times a day to see if maybe it got moved and will arrive sooner.

I ordered a new iPhone case last week and it was set for delivery on a Tuesday. It arrived the Friday before. BEST DAY OF MY LIFE!!

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So you can just imagine how my patience is fairing as I think work on getting back to being the happy and healthy me I want to be again.

Does anyone have a time travel machine I could borrow??

I was texting (something all the cool kids do) with my gal pal Marissa and we agreed that the “patience” part of losing weight….AGAIN…is the hardest part. Now don’t get me wrong, having patience while losing weight is never really easy. It took me about a year and a half to lose 101 lbs. But when you gain all/some/more of it back and you finally hit that wall and say to yourself “I want to go back to being the me I was before”…well, you want to get there a hell of a lot faster.

And it’s not just because of how you look now or how you feel right now. I think, at least in my case, it’s because I still *feel* like that person. I wake up and forget that I can’t fit into my size 6 or 8 jeans. I forget that my size small t-shirts will barely cover up one of my boobies now (I said boobies, heehee). I forget that when I head out for a run that I will not be running 8:40 minute miles right now. 

In my mind I am still a runner. In my mind I am still a weight loss success. In my mind I am still a healthy living blogger. In my mind I am still a healthy living human being.

Then I go out of a run…

Then I get dressed in the morning…

Then I grab another beer…

And then I am reminded…

And then I am upset…

And then I am impatient…

And then I fail another day…

Persistence is the key to success. This I know. I’ve had numerous “false starts” over the past few months. Why?? Because I am an impatient mother f*cker!!

Sadly, I won’t just wake up tomorrow and be back at 155 lbs. And my clothes won’t all magically fit me again. And when I run I will have to settle for 12+ minute miles for right now.

I have to learn to be patient with my weight loss again. I have to remind myself that this is a change forever; therefore I will be working on this forever. I won’t be back to being myself unless I put in the time & effort.

Unfortunately I didn’t get a tracking # for all this so I guess I am just going to have to keep checking myself daily.

Coming out…

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No, I’m not gay (but hey, how you doing hot ladies Winking smile

I run…

In the grocery store when I see someone I know who I haven’t seen since I lost weight…

I say no…

To going out because that means that I *might* run into people who saw me last at my goal weight…

I cancel…

Because I am a coward…

Panic, anxiety, hate…all attacks. I get stronger every day as I work towards being the *me* I want to be but I still struggle every day.

Every day we go to the grocery store…for food or beer…and every day I hide…

This is the hardest post I’ve ever done. I’m not even sure I will hit publish….

I DREAM….WISH…..MEDITATE….

to get back to where I was. I loved being there. Strong. Fit. Running.

I took most of it for granted.

Sometimes, suicide seems easier…binge eating…getting heavier….but

I want it all back. And I *WILL* get it back…

But for right now…

(I must insert something here about this picture…I took it at work & this mirror is like a funhouse mirror. We noticed it when the pictures behind of the toilet paper boxes seemed warped, LOL. And as you can tell the bottom part of mirror is bigger than the lower half….but whatever…I don’t want anyone taking my full shot so this is what you get…)

Gain

Hello again…now, SAY GOODBYE!!!!

FOR GOOD!!

I am SO FUCKING SORRY!!!!!!!!

The Cheese…

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Once upon a time there was a girl who loved cheese…

She loved cheese so much that people sometimes had mistaken her for a mouse…

Every occasion. every holiday, every “oops”…she bought cheese…

But she didn’t buy cheese this New Years Eve…

Even though she had bought cheese EVER OTHER YEAR. Even when it was the eve of her hitting lifetime, eve of her commercial debut…she bought cheese. Lots of it. Lots she would not track…

But she didn’t buy cheese this New Years Eve…

Why??

Because when you lose 100+ lbs and then gain it back in a year, you learn some shit….you learn that you do not have an eating problem. You are a creature of habit.

And that I am….always giving into to my habits.

But I have the upper hand because I’ve seen the “peak”…I know how great I *CAN* feel….

People who lose and then gain are often called losers…

I call us Believers (really….no pun attended).

Because I know how fucking hard I worked to get where I got. And sure, I can beat myself up about where I am now,or I can fight,,,

And I’m not Suzi Fucking Storm for nothing….

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