Sometimes it is perfectly OK to not be OK.
This is a lesson that I learned very early on in life and while some people fought me on it, I always stood my ground.
I spent a lot of my adolescence in therapy, whether it was outside the school system or inside…or for a little while, both. I saw a female in school counselor once when I was in 10th grade and she said to me “Susan, what will it take for you to be happy?” and my reply was “I’m not looking for happiness. I’m looking to be content. I believe that happiness is a moment, a piece of time that comes and goes with a situation. It’s not an ongoing emotion.” Her reply to me was basically telling me I was crazy and that was a bullshit response. Needless to say, that was the last meeting I ever had with her, or any female counselor for that matter.
I still stand by this belief. As someone who has lived with depression since a very, very young age and has had to deal with some trauma’s along the way that are usually held for those of a high numerical age number, I *had* to focus on being content so help save my sanity and belief that not all is bad in the world.
For me, happiness is a *moment*. Hitting goal weight, getting engaged, getting married, trip to LA, trip to NYC, a lazy summer day with ice cold beer, finishing a marathon….those brought happiness to me…those moments. Yes, the happiness lives inside me and sparks when I think of them, but it is not a constant energy that is constantly flowing through me. I’m Suzi fucking sunshine all day.
Some days I am miserable…just because I want to be. Call it being a woman, call is depression, call it not enough sleep, call it what you want. That’s just how it is.
Other days I am down because things bring me down. Whether it’s my fighting my own personal demons that day of negative self talk or because something has happened in my life that has upset me.
Most of my friends know that Tori Amos has been my idol and inspiration since I was very, very young. And yesterday I walked into an exam room and this was on the wall:
Coincidence???? I think not. It was exactly what I needed to see. It spoke to me so much, not just because of that moment, but because of the overall picture of where I am in my journey to getting back to getting healthy again and getting back to my goal weight.
Sometimes I don’t want to talk about it. I don’t want to talk about it with my husband, my mother, my friends, on the blog or social media. And that is OK. No, I am not “bottling up” my feelings. I am not suppressing them. I am working through them in my own head, my own way. Sometimes it works to write it out (which is kind of what I’m doing here without really saying what I’m working through, huh? Lol) or meditate or run it out.
So what’s the point of this post?? I don’t freaking know. I guess the point I am trying to get across is that these moments will always happen…whether you haven’t begun your weight loss journey yet, just started, or started it 10 years ago. These “Just leave me alone, and let me just be” moments will always be there and that is OK. It doesn’t mean you’ve failed at anything, it doesn’t mean you are giving up or quitting. Sometimes we just have to *be* with our feelings. And the knowledge we take from these moments is where we really shine.
To quote the wonderful Tori Amos myself this time…
”i found the secret to life
i’m okay when everything is not okay
is not okay…oh, we turn and we turn our little blue world upside down”- Tori Amos, Upside Down
I’ve spent the past year and half gaining all of my weight back and I spent pretty much that entire time in the “not OK” moment. But I learned stuff, not only about myself but also about the way I approach certain things and the way I accept things that I never learned on the journey I took last time.
Now I am 30 years old. I am married. I have a wonderful stepson. I will have many more blessings in my future, I am sure. Some things in life are meant to be. Others are not. Some I can control. Some I can not control. Some things I have to make a choice that while not as easy as I thought it would be, is the best choice for me.
Sometimes our emotions take us by surprise and sometimes we don’t know how to convey those emotions. But that is OK. Feel them, be with them, accept them, and learn from them.
We are all strong, powerful beings who can overcome more than we even know. We don’t give ourselves nearly enough credit. You are amazing…not matter what.
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