What are you running from??

13 comments
So let me just say that I am writing this post with my “runner self” in the drivers seat…even though that part of myself has been in the back seat this past year.

Why do you run??

To lose weight? To maintain your weight? To have some “me” time? To prove something? To “be a runner”? To think about the days events? To clear your mind?

To free your mind?

Since I have stopped running I have noticed a MAJOR downfall in my mental health state.  And it’s not just the pity party I throw every now and then for myself because of the weight gain….

This may come as a shock to some of you…but I’m not perfect.

I know. I am so sorry.

We have all done things or made choices that we are not happy about….I hate and try to never use the word “regret”, but sometimes we step too far outside ourselves and well, our decisions get engraved into our souls. I’m not perfect and I have admitted that I am not when the question has risen inside myself.

But there is still something in us…we wish we did this. We wish we did that. We wish that DIDN’T happen.

I used to deal with all of these emotions through running.

I ran for those I love.

I ran for my “sins”.

I ran for my strength, which grew with every step, every breathe, every finish line.

I ran because it let me prove that I was strong.

I ran because, next to having sex with my husband, it was the closest I got to getting off.

I haven’t ran in months.

Right now I just want to run for myself.

But I can’t seem to.

Can I run for myself?? C’mon….I was ALWAYS running for myself…these emotions were just part of it. But something has changed. When I started running years ago I didn’t have all of the experiences and triumphs that I have had over the last 2 years in my belt. And I think I use those blessings against me…constantly comparing….constantly wishing I never stopped running in the first place.

Truth is….I’m scared. I’m scared to run again. I’m scared to run into my emotions. I’m scared to run into myself.  I’m scared of starting and quitting.

But I know I will run again.

You never just “run”…

What do YOU run for??

13 comments:

  1. so so so interesting to this nonrunner...and prompting me to think WHY I LIFT.

    xo

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  2. I run to prove I can. Never ran more than 5 minutes at a time until my 40th birthday, now I can do a 5k in under 35 min. Also, to be honest, the eating and drinking of yummy things is also a factor. My mood, my attitude are just so much better when I run. I just wish I had started 30 years ago.

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  3. I'm going to start running tomorrow morning....me, the almost-53-year-old non runner. Join me? I'm not running away, I think I'm running towards something........I want to find out what that is!

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  4. The reason I exercise, (not really running yet; but, I can jog over a mile and walk/jog 3 miles) is because I can. A year ago, I could barely walk a half of mile without getting out of breath. If you need motivation, go to a nursing home and spend some time talking to the patients. Don't you think all of those elderly folks would give everything to get out of those wheelchairs and give up those walkers and do the hoky poky? Hell, they would just love to be able to go the bathroom unassisted. So, get up and move. One day, you may not have that choice. Personally, I can't wait to run. I am working toward that goal, one step at a time.
    I agree with "cwhf" and I will to run a 5k to celebrate my 60th birthday, May 2014.

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  5. I don't run....I did for two years and then my hip got a little thing called "bursitis"..WOW! I went from feeling on top of the world to feeling about 90 years old.

    I walk kind of fast, I take weight classes at my Y, and I do some yoga stuff ~ I do this stuff to maintain some control over insanity, weight, flab, and food ~ I feel better when exercising for sure so I know it has to be part of my life forever.

    ;-)

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  6. I run for "me time".... time to think, time to plan, time to reflect on how far I have come. I ran my first 5k four years ago in 36 minutes . Today, I've ran multiple 5k's (new PR: 25:01), two half marathons, two full marathons and have lost 70 lbs. I'm currently training for number three and have signed up for a fourth. I have strength and determination I never knew I had.

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  7. I run for me and to clear my mind. I run because I can and I know it is good for me. I run because it makes me feel alive and part of something positive that is bigger than myself. I run to set an example of a healthy lifestyle I want my adult children to imitate. I have ran 2 half marathons, and countless other races and every time I do it, it reminds me that I belong to an amazing group of people...runners!

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  8. I ran because it shocked me that I could. I ran because sometimes it felt like the essence of being alive. I ran because I loved loping along to my favorite music in my favorite places (along the bay, or in a redwood forest). I ran because I was 50+ years old and diabetic and it helped me be the healthiest I had been since I was a teenager. Now I have a painful hip and I can't run so much and it makes me so very very sad. I miss it. I guess I also ran because I knew there would be one day I wouldn't be able to. I'm sad that day is happening.

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  9. I was in the exact same boat as you up until about the second week of August, and I've been slowly crawling out. I'm just now getting to that point where I'm feeling those old familiar feelings that only running can give you. It is hard to find anything similar to me. It is an individual thing for me; I don't run in groups and I probably never will. It is just me, the road, and some music or a good podcast or book. What has really helped me is training by heart rate. It is humbling and a slow way to go, but you don't kill yourself and you feel successful. I'm not sure why I run, really. I'm just glad that I can.

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  10. I ran because it made me feel more alive than anything else in the world. It humbled me and filled me with gratitude. My body...the body I hated for so many years...the body that had almost stopped functioning a few months prior to taking up running... was able to do something so incredible, even if I wasn't particularly "good" at it. Running lifted me out of the despair and depression I battled for years prior (as my doctor says...it's nature's Prozac).

    I stopped running and I too yearn for it. I shrink in shame when people bring up how I used to run. I sit here, at my highest weight ever, sad and missing that feeling of exuberance brought up by a run. I decided to use the past as inspiration, but not as punishment. I signed up for a year end 5km and I don't give a shit if I have to do intervals of 1 minute running, 5 minutes walking...but I am doing it.

    When you decide to run again...it's a NEW beginning. You aren't who you were 2 years ago, so you shouldn't expect your running experience to be the same (I'm using "you" loosely here). Reading your posts have really got me thinking and have given me a push to re-examine myself. Thanks for that, Suzi.

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  11. I think this is a great question. The primary reason I started running many years ago before running was so popular was to aide with weight loss. For awhile it was also social as I ran with friends. I ran the New York City Mararthon more than 30 years ago. it was an amazing experience. Then, I lost my inner athlete, gained more than 70 pounds and running was not on my radar. When I decided to try and lose this weight once and for all, I knew that with 70 extra pounds, running would not be good for my body so I just started to walk. After I lost about 30 pounds I thought ok I am ready tp step it up and I started jogging again. Slow but still more than a walk. I wanted to start running again because I hoped it would help my weight loss, but I also think I did it because I wanted to get back to feeling like I accomplished something. I did lose 60 pounds. It was not the running, it was the calorie contol and the running combined. I run now 3 times a week. I love the way I feel after a run. I love the days I pass the spot I ran to on that first day back to running, when I can say, wow look what you have accomplished. There are so few things in life we have control over. In the end, our bodies are under our control. True we cannot control being overcome by certain illness, but for the most part, we can control our bodies. So in the end, I realize that I started running to help lose weight, but I continue to run because it gives me a sense of control that I do not get anywhere else. It is just you and your body.

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  12. I run....because I used to weigh 287 pounds. I run to clear my mind. I run when I am stressed. I run for the amazing feeling when I am finished. I run to feel like an athlete. I run for MYSELF. I run for ME. I run to make my life better, more fulfilled. I am not fast, but I really don't care. I have finally stopped comparing myself to other people. I only race myself. I am ok with not beating myself sometimes....times I don't feel it. I am out there doing something I never in my LIFE thought I would ever do. I love to run. Its freeing. It clears my mind.
    You will run again. You will. You will figure it out. Just get out there. Lace up your shoes, put on some music and go. Have whatever thoughts you want to have and run harder if you need to. Walk if you need to. The point is, you are out there and you love it.

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  13. I run because I feel free and alive. I get a rush and energy I carry with me all day.
    I haven't been able to run much lately and have been off exercise lately from a cold and I miss it. I really do. Starting back after you stop for a while is really hard...but you can do it! :)

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