I should be on my way to Philadelphia, Pennsylvania right now. We should be checking into the same hotel we checked into back in 2010. I should be making sure that I brought a cooler of beer with me so we don’t have to spend $12.95 on a 6 pack of Coors Light from a Chinese Takeout restaurant (weird ass beer laws in that state. You won’t see me living there!). My stomach should be filled with excitement and fear…but not as much as it was in 2010 when I went to Philly to run my first ever ½ marathon.
When I got a coupon deal earlier this year I said to myself “YES! This is the race! This is the race to get me running and focused again!” So I signed up with pure glee and excitement. Just like I have with all the races I have signed up for between last year and this year. How many have I actually participated in?? 1….a Color Me Rad run. Which was fun…but I don’t consider those races nor do I add runs like that to my “race list”.
See, the truth is, I haven’t really ran much since my marathon in October of 2011. Right after the marathon I went to LA to do all the WW campaign stuff and when I came back from that is pretty much when I kind of started my voyage into the downward spiral. Yet I still continued to sign up for races, hoping that it would give my running mojo a swift kick in the ass.
But it never did. And it still hasn’t. I should have run the Utica Boilermaker for the 3rd year in a row, but I backed out on that. I should be running the Wineglass Marathon in Corning, NY this year but I won’t be doing that either. And I can’t defer this year because I signed up for this race last year and deferred. See the pattern people??
So what does this mean?? Does this mean I am never going to be a runner again?? HELL NO!!
There are a few reasons why I am not on my way to Philly right now and while laziness is surely #1 there are other factors too. Money is a big thing right now. Even though we already had the hotel paid for we needed that money back. And our truck needs some work that we can’t afford to fix right now and the gas would be outrageous. But I’ve also been scared to run. Let’s face it…running at this weight is hard and can be kind of scary. The last time I went out (don’t ask when cause I don’t remember) I remember getting about half way down my street, breaking into an asthma attach and having my legs go numb and I could barely walk the couple of feet back home.
A battle I have been fighting with myself is the battle of “Well I used to!”
Well I used to be able to run a 5K in under 30 minutes!
Well I used to be able to have cheese and beer and not gain 5 lbs!
Well I used to be able to fit into a size 6!
Well I used to be able to touch my toes!
Well, I can’t do those things anymore. But it does not mean that I won’t ever be able to do them again!
When I started running I did it on my treadmill. I signed up for my first 5K after I could run about 2 miles straight. My first 5K would also be the first time I would run outdoors. But I was running and walking and building a base. The way it SHOULD be done. I’m an idiot to think that after almost 2 years of not running that I can just step out the door and start running 9 or 10 minute miles right off the bat. I mean really, I am much smarter than that.
But it’s also fear. Because while it’s exciting that I get to have NEW firsts, I also fear that I will always constantly compare them to before. If I ran the Philadelphia Rock ‘N Roll half this year, would it have been as exciting, more exciting, less exciting???? Who knows.
These races will be here and someday I will be at their starting lines again. When I am really ready, not because I feel like I needed a race to make me ready.
A comment I made during my WW online interview was that this whole journey (not just running, but losing weight & developing a healthy lifestyle too) is a marathon, not a sprint. Well folks, I said that BEFORE I actually ran a marathon and let me tell you…running a marathon can suck ass at times!! But as you hit walls, as your feet start to give out, as you vomit at mile 19, you just keep going. You might start going a little slower and you might start taking a few breaks for a minute here and there, but you keep going and eventually you cross that damn finish line.
I won’t lose weight every week. I won’t always make the best meal choice. I won’t always move from the couch to treadmill. But that is OK, because I’m moving forward, putting one foot in front of another. And someday these feet will do that during a race again.
Best of luck to all my friends and everyone else running the Philadelphia Rock ‘N Roll ½ marathon this weekend!! Run like you are being chased by zombie named Rocky ;)
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