I’m a dirty girl

12 comments

When my amazing photographer asked me if I wanted to do a “dirty shoot” I said “OH HELLZ NO!!”

I mean you do realize that a good majority of the days I think about how lovely my body would look if it was dead right?!?!? I don’t want to immortalize all the rolls, flaps, mountains, fat, lard…yuck…no one wants that to be forever imprinted on a photograph…(side note: what an AWFUL and horrible thing to think and say to yourself!)

But then I realized something. I was marring a man who has seen me…thick, thin and thicker.

This was not just about me. This was about him. This was about us. This was about ME.

Finally saying….NO MATTER WHAT SIZE I AM, I AM B.E.A.U.T.I.F.U.L! I AM S.E.X.Y!! (Did I/do I really believe this?? I’m working on it damnit!!)

So I said “Yes!”  She gave me the option to back out the day of if I wanted to.  But as you can see…I pulled whatever courage and confidence I had and tried to pour it out for her…for myself….for Frank…for all women & men with body issues…

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All photos above by Kristin Chalmers Photography

Her and I had a moment. A moment I think she understood. A breakthrough for me. A moment only the two of us will ever understand.

Yet, I didn’t get into it as hard as I wanted to.

I didn’t have the confidence that I had during my WW shoot, but then again I was still struggling with my body image while in LA, I just didn’t realize it.  But I look at these photo’s and think Hot Damn!!

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I’m not going to lie…looking at these still till day send me into a deep hole of regret, upset, and anger…but I am working my way AWAY from that hole.  All of that did not, and does not define me. I may have looked good…but did I *really* feel good?? Yes, I sure fucking did…I just didn’t know how to ACCEPT feeling good and how to turn more than a year and a 1/2 of maintenance at my goal weight into something that I could feel OK with past all of what was happening to me.

So during my “dirty shoot”  I was playful and fun…which I guess for a wedding dirty work shoot is good. 

When I was at my goal weight I dreamed of doing a shoot like this. I even staged photo’s. I wanted SO bad to work with local photographers to immortalize my “goal weight sexiness”…I wanted sultry, seductive, slutty pictures to share with The Frank.

That never happened.

This happened.

And I would not exchange it for the world.

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And according to the The Frank, neither would he ;)

(P.S. These photo’s are “sharing” approved by The Frank. The rest are for his eye’s only he says.)

12 comments:

  1. You are so incredibly beautiful. Your story is beautiful. I love reading your words. I hope we all work towards loving ourselves more, being more forgiving of ourselves. No matter what size, you are a brilliant loving woman! I love how real you are.

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  2. Get it, girl!!! You look amazing and happy and sassy in these pictures and that is what is most attractive. So proud of you for being able to embrace that you are beautiful, PERIOD, end of story.

    I know it has to be tough when you look back on where you once were but you have to love who you are at all times, now and in the past. The number on a scale does not validate you as a person -- the person that you are to the people around you is much more valuable and important. (And you know all of this, of course. Sometimes it is hard to get the heart to make sense of what the head is trying to tell you, you know?)

    Thank you for sharing these! Thank you to The Frank, too, for being cool with you sharing them. :)

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  3. Well said, well said! Thank you for being you. WW Dave introduced me to you through an email when I was still a part time WW leader. You touched my heart then and continue to.

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  4. I love ya girl. It's so obvious that you love yourself more now that ever. Remember what I said, I can't photoshop insecurity. And I didn't need to photoshop anything during our shoot. Cause you are perfect! No matter what size.

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  5. You look happy and confident and I love that you are doing things for you. I love how open and honest you are and I miss you!

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  6. Love it!! It would be so easy for me to sit here and write about how the number on the scale isn't an indicator of beauty, sexiness, blah, blah, blah. Intellectually, I know that's true, but I also know that it's just not something most of us believe, myself included. I'm so fucking proud of you for doing this shoot. You look absolutely amazing and The Frank is a very lucky man!

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  7. I could go on and on and on but the bottom line is I had an experience which TRASHED my self-esteem and I refound it (TO MY SHOCK!!) in a boudoir shoot.

    you are amazing beautiful sexy smart and stunning.

    Carla

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  8. So awesome!!!!! :)

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  9. Simply gorgeous. Love the classic pin-up look.

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  10. Those pictures are beautiful. You go girl!!

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