When my amazing photographer asked me if I wanted to do a “dirty shoot” I said “OH HELLZ NO!!”
I mean you do realize that a good majority of the days I think about how lovely my body would look if it was dead right?!?!? I don’t want to immortalize all the rolls, flaps, mountains, fat, lard…yuck…no one wants that to be forever imprinted on a photograph…(side note: what an AWFUL and horrible thing to think and say to yourself!)
But then I realized something. I was marring a man who has seen me…thick, thin and thicker.
This was not just about me. This was about him. This was about us. This was about ME.
Finally saying….NO MATTER WHAT SIZE I AM, I AM B.E.A.U.T.I.F.U.L! I AM S.E.X.Y!! (Did I/do I really believe this?? I’m working on it damnit!!)
So I said “Yes!” She gave me the option to back out the day of if I wanted to. But as you can see…I pulled whatever courage and confidence I had and tried to pour it out for her…for myself….for Frank…for all women & men with body issues…
All photos above by Kristin Chalmers Photography
Her and I had a moment. A moment I think she understood. A breakthrough for me. A moment only the two of us will ever understand.
Yet, I didn’t get into it as hard as I wanted to.
I didn’t have the confidence that I had during my WW shoot, but then again I was still struggling with my body image while in LA, I just didn’t realize it. But I look at these photo’s and think Hot Damn!!
I’m not going to lie…looking at these still till day send me into a deep hole of regret, upset, and anger…but I am working my way AWAY from that hole. All of that did not, and does not define me. I may have looked good…but did I *really* feel good?? Yes, I sure fucking did…I just didn’t know how to ACCEPT feeling good and how to turn more than a year and a 1/2 of maintenance at my goal weight into something that I could feel OK with past all of what was happening to me.
So during my “dirty shoot” I was playful and fun…which I guess for a wedding dirty work shoot is good.
When I was at my goal weight I dreamed of doing a shoot like this. I even staged photo’s. I wanted SO bad to work with local photographers to immortalize my “goal weight sexiness”…I wanted sultry, seductive, slutty pictures to share with The Frank.
That never happened.
And I would not exchange it for the world.
And according to the The Frank, neither would he ;)
(P.S. These photo’s are “sharing” approved by The Frank. The rest are for his eye’s only he says.)