Feeling Feelings

12 comments

I am just going to start this post and pretend like it hasn’t been ages since I last posted. OK….so lets get back into the swing of things, shall we….

A conversation took place a few weeks ago on the world wide web about the importance of tracking and what we should track. As a Weight Watcher member, I know that tracking my food intake (and Points+ values) are most important, along with my exercise and checking off my good healthy guidelines (water intake, veggies, fruit, etc..).  Some people track their measurements.  Some people track how hungry they felt when they chose to eat or after they have finished a meal.

And some of track what a lot of call NSV’s (non-scale victories). I know that I did that a lot! The first time I could fully cross my legs, my first 5K, first time I could wrap a towel fully around my body.  I remember having these moments and feeling pure joy. Usually I relayed my pure joy all over the internets so it would be a moment that would live on forever (I mean, what else is the internet for other than our own personal time capsules right?!). 

Problem is, these feelings of excitement and victory never really last long. They were usually placed with a new negative thought about something I haven't accomplished or something I couldn’t do yet.

Now, having gained my weight back (120 lbs to exact) I LONG for these feelings back!! It’s these feelings and I wish I felt that constantly throw me off course and cause me to throw in the towel that day, and the next day, and the day after that, and then next week, next month….so on and so on.

During the conversation that was happening I said that I wish I had kept a log as I was losing weight, specially in the beginning of my journey about the feelings I felt that I HATED!  The feelings I felt that I LOATHED! The feelings I felt that I wanted to change.

So here they are…

  • Walking up the stores and not being out of breath
  • Changing the kitty litter boxes and not have to stop because I think I’m having a heart attack
  • Being able to cross my legs
  • Not having to shop in the “plus size” section (I mean plus size, not size 12 or 16)
  • Sitting on the couch and not immediately throwing a pillow over my stomach
  • Having my picture taken
  • Constantly feeling that I might be having a heart attack
  • Not being on medication for BP and anxiety
  • I miss wearing shorts and feeling comfortable in them
  • I miss wearing my favorite outfit….a pair of skinny jeans and a slim black sweater
  • I miss feeling comfortable naked
  • I miss feeling sexy
  • Caring about my appearance
  • Having decent clothes to wear
  • Carrying in the groceries without breaking into a sweat
  • Wanting to go out
  • Not afraid of being seen in public by people I know
  • Wrapping a towel around my body
  • Not worrying if I will fit comfortably in a chair or not
  • Being able to reach for things without feeling like I’m straining
  • Tying my shoes without cutting off my air supply
  • Not having to put powder and creams on certain places
  • I miss having energy & not being tired ALL.THE.TIME.
  • Not get out of breath and get sore muscles taking a shower and shaving my legs
  • Being able to wear all the cute high heels I have
  • Miss wearing bracelets that actually fit my wrist
  • Just feeling comfortable in general

There are more feelings I am sure. But these are just a few of the feelings I feel on a daily basis.  And as you can tell I am fighting a pretty nasty beast daily. But I know that I am not alone.  I am not the only one who is feeling these feelings.  I know that the only way to beat these feelings, or achieve them, is to get my shit together and stick with it!!

Maybe by experiencing these victories before and now knowing how much they really meant to me (mentally & physically) it can make the journey this time stick! It will always be a battle.  It will never be “done”.  It is a marathon, not a sprint…and this time, I got a backpack on my back that is filled with the tools I need to get me where I want to be!

P.S. After many years I have finally gone and done it…I created a Facebook page for the blog.  Please feel free to ‘Like’ the page here: https://www.facebook.com/okjustonemorebeer

12 comments:

  1. So so happy to see a blog post from you! I can totally relate to this and it is why I am blogging every single week about my progress. The first time I did WW was in 2006 before FB (I don't even remember what that was like) and I didn't have any documentation other than my weight record. This time around I am keeping track of what I do right, what I need to work on, and more. Kind of like one big "note to self". I am excited for you. And I will absolutely follow you FB page. YAY!!!!

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  2. I absolutely love you. And your balls out honesty. I'm right here with you...I've gained back my lost weight. I want all those feelings. I went back to school last week....and the day before I tried on my dress shorts/pants and none fit. I sat down and cried. I'm beyond broke and cannot afford to be too fat for my clothes. Grrr.
    I dont know about you but I'm tired of it all.
    Love you girl and I got your back.
    Coco
    Jen

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  3. I love your blog Suzi. Following you is a joy. I believe in you! Get it girl!

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  4. Damn.... Seriously...Just.Damn.

    First of all, let me say that your post is incredibly inspiring & your wedding pictures are AMAZING! Love the shoes!! You both look very happy!

    As for your post...a mutual friend (let's call her A...she loves shoes too) just text me & told me to read this blog. She is one of my dearest friends & also happens to be the WW leader who leads the meeting I went back to this morning. WW members do it all the time...lose weight, stop going, gain it back...blah blah blah.
    But I was a WW leader for freaking 12 years! Didn't I KNOW better??? Apparently not so much. Since I quit doing meetings, I've gained weight, more weight than I thought possible.

    So here I sit, reading your blog & sobbing cause I could have written it & 100 pounds away from a life I thought I had down. I rarely go out, hide from people I might know in public & say things to myself that no one would ever have the balls to say to me. I've told myself for quite some time that I couldn't go back to meetings because a former member might recognize me. But at some point, we make a choice, we have to start (or restart) somewhere...right?? The motivational thoughts I used to give my members echo in my head (Nothing tastes as good as thin feels) & (A wish changes nothing but a decision changes everything)...and I roll my eyes at myself. This motivational crap actually works on people!? Yeah, it does, but it all depends on how we receive it.

    When my boyfriend (who has only known me at my heaviest) says "I saw some pictures of you on your Facebook page & thought where is THAT girl" it woke me up. I have wanted to do this for a long time but I think it took the wake up call to kick me in the tush.

    We are on this journey together! I'm SO PROUD of you for writing this blog!! THANK YOU for your honesty, your reality and all of the inspiration!!

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  5. LOVE LOVE LOVE this post because it's something I could have easily written, too. Even though I never reached Lifetime, I had lost 138 pounds on WW at one point about nine years ago. Now, here I am with 102 pounds of that back on my body. I remember feeling so many of the things you listed and I miss them, too! I've been struggling for a couple of years trying to get back on track to lose the weight again. I'll do ok for a few days (even a few weeks, at times), but then I'll throw in the towel and go back to eating crap and not moving my ass. I'm doing a Back to Basics challenge for September where I'm pretty much focusing on just a couple of things: 1) track -- good, bad, or ugly, and 2) move my ass. I know if I do those two things, I WILL lose weight this month. I also put away my home scale and will only be weighing in at my weekly WW meeting. There are times I think I'm doing really well and then get on my home scale and see it hasn't moved. That discourages me so much that I end up going off program. If I hadn't seen the number, I would've continued on my blissful way of healthy eating. So, for now, my home scale has been banished to a shelf in the closet.

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  6. Dear lovely, beautiful Susan.
    I am so proud of you for being honest and completely open on your blog. Please know your feelings are relevant, as you are relevant. Please NEVER feel that you are alone in this. The journey does not end really, since everyday is a new experience, and a new challenge. I am so happy that you have taken this first step in the re-ignition of your weight loss journey. :-) XOXO.

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  7. Girl, I am here right with you. Glad you're back to blogging. I love reading the posts!

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  8. You and Bitchcakes in one day?? How did we get so lucky?! That's a great list. I relate to all of them. I started tracking everything again two weeks ago. I'm happy to have my ankles back.

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  9. Hi Suzi,

    Like some of the folks commenting here, I also lost a lot of weight with WW in 2011, and gained most of it back over 2012-2013. I rejoined WW 2 weeks ago after noticing pain in my heels (likely heel spurs) and other health issues creeping back into my picture.

    I followed your blog while I was losing (you and SherylYvette) and found it very inspirational then, and even more so now. You could have done what many of us do, and not shared any of your journey, the changes you were going through, the good (beautiful wedding, big Congrats!) or the bad. You did share it, though, and for that, I am very grateful.

    Regardless of how you choose to move through your efforts to lose weight, thank you for sharing your honest feelings in this space with teh interwebs. You are awesome, greatly appreciated, and admired.

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  10. I have started my list... Thank you for posting

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  11. Rooting for you Suzi! Going to "Like" your Facebook page now!

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