This will be my very last post as a “Single lady”. Soon I will be marrying my best friend, and the best man I’ve ever known (aside from maybe my grandfather).
Everyone keeps asking me if I’m nervous….about getting married?? Honestly, no. I’m more nervous about getting everything done in time since this wedding is pretty much 100% DIY. Also, money, since this wedding is pretty much funded 100% ourselves. But those things are trivial in what the day actual means and will bring.
It will bring love. Love to celebrate with our closest friends and family. Our wedding is not for show. I never need the show. I never needed the piece of paper. But he wants to give me that and I am gladly accepting. We’ve put a lot of thought and effort into making the day about us and our love and hopefully it reflects out into the day.
Now for the thing I am most nervous about….feeling beautiful on my wedding day. I won’t lie…it’s been a LONG time since I felt beautiful. But I’ve been working on the past few months. Not by losing any weight or anything but just by trying to build my confidence and self love.
I will be getting married at my heaviest weight ever. There will be eyes on me all day. There will be photos taken (very expensive ones at that) to document what is going to be the most memorable day in my life. At my heaviest weight.
And then I think to myself….
Frankie is marrying me….at my heaviest weight.
Frankie loves me….at my heaviest weight.
And that my friends, makes me feel beautiful. And those truths are what will make me shine on my wedding day. Because I am marrying the man I love and he loves me, any way I am.
Now the way I am….a side from getting marries…not happy.
Rewind….lose 101 lbs, go to NY do WW shoot, go to Chicago do Oprah, run a marathon, go to LA to shoot WW commercials, interview to be in David Kirchhoff’s book, get engaged….
Now….getting married. And during that whole time of event, after event, after event, the 101 (plus a little extra) pounds have made their way back to me.
No ones fault but my own. You know the saying “it’s your choice” which is 100% true, but sometimes when you are making bad choice after bad choice you don’t realize just how lost you’ve become. Sometimes when you fall so deep in a hole the choice no longer “feels” like your own.
I should’ve caught my weight gain at Frank’s proposal of marriage. And I did try. I always try. I’ve never stopped trying. I just didn’t succeed at it.
But for the first time in about 3 years, I feel like I can focus on *ME* again. I don’t need to worry about turning in any weight #’s to anybody, or making sure I look healthy and fit for events. For the first time in a long time, I can get back to doing losing weight without the feeling of pressure from any outside sources.
I know I am not happy with myself and I know that I am the only one who can change that. I know how to change it and I finally feel like I can focus on changing it.
So what does that mean for this blog?? I honestly don’t know. I see comments like this:
And they melt my heart. I love my readers. I love the support. And I do love the blog. But I don’t know if I will be blogging about my journey this time. I honestly haven’t decided. I don’t know if the blog will go on a temporary hold, or if I will just randomly blog about other stuff. The same situation kind of goes for all other Social Media. I feel like all I see now a days are tweets for ad’s or blog posts with giveaways. Everyone is apparently a health coach and is an advertising executive. I might pull back from there for a little while too.
So this isn’t really a goodbye. It’s more of a “see ya around’. I never was an every day blogger anyway. But we’ll see where the journey this time takes me….
I’m off to get married!! XOXO