Thursday, January 17, 2013

Coming out…

No, I’m not gay (but hey, how you doing hot ladies Winking smile

I run…

In the grocery store when I see someone I know who I haven’t seen since I lost weight…

I say no…

To going out because that means that I *might* run into people who saw me last at my goal weight…

I cancel…

Because I am a coward…

Panic, anxiety, hate…all attacks. I get stronger every day as I work towards being the *me* I want to be but I still struggle every day.

Every day we go to the grocery store…for food or beer…and every day I hide…

This is the hardest post I’ve ever done. I’m not even sure I will hit publish….

I DREAM….WISH…..MEDITATE….

to get back to where I was. I loved being there. Strong. Fit. Running.

I took most of it for granted.

Sometimes, suicide seems easier…binge eating…getting heavier….but

I want it all back. And I *WILL* get it back…

But for right now…

(I must insert something here about this picture…I took it at work & this mirror is like a funhouse mirror. We noticed it when the pictures behind of the toilet paper boxes seemed warped, LOL. And as you can tell the bottom part of mirror is bigger than the lower half….but whatever…I don’t want anyone taking my full shot so this is what you get…)

Gain

Hello again…now, SAY GOODBYE!!!!

FOR GOOD!!

I am SO FUCKING SORRY!!!!!!!!

81 comments:

  1. You look beautiful. And, you got this. Now go get it. xo

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  2. Hardest post, you'll find the biggest support. Don't beat yourself up, encourage yourself instead. You *WILL* get it back .

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  3. It's ok! I'm doing the same thing! I just started WW again after gaining 12 pounds in a few month. You still can do it! Don't ever hide because you're beautiful and so what if you've gained weight. Important thing is, are you happy? If not, do something about it.

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  4. It's all part of the same journey. It don't stop till you're toes up & six feet down. No need to apologize for being human! You are the same strong person you have always been.

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  5. I agree! You are beautiful! And you can do this. And this makes your journey all the more powerful.

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  6. Totally agree with Lynette. You're absolutely beautiful! Having lost nearly 140 pounds in the past and then regaining about 100 of that, I get it. I ran. I canceled. I said no. It's difficult enough to get honest with ourselves, much less putting it out there for the world to read. You are an amazing woman, Suzi and I have NO doubt you'll get back to where you want to be. Your determination comes through loud and clear in your words, and that's half the battle!

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  7. You're beautiful! And you'll get back there one day! One step at a time...with an army of supporters behind you. :)

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  8. I am right with you. We both have this! The only failure is when you stop trying. Pick up, dust yourself off and try again. Cheers from Chris the Amazon Woman :-)

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  9. You are amazing! I'm so excited to follow this new part of tote journey as I start on my own 'gained it all back plus some' path!

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  10. I think you are beautiful. I know it's how YOU feel though. If you feel you need to lose weight, do it for yourself. Lots of good vibes your way :D

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  11. Girl. You don't need to apologize to ANYONE other than yourself for beating yourself up and feeling like you have to have shame about something that is very real and very human. You (in general) spend so much time and effort to get to the goal, but learning how to live after you get there is an entirely different animal. You are still the inspiration that you have always been, and by picking yourself up, dusting yourself off and getting to where YOU want to be, you show people that you don't have to stay down when you get knocked down.

    Cheering for you all the way from L.A. xo

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  12. I think everyone has this cycle at some point over a weight loss journey. It's how we all learn.

    Go get it.

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  13. A beautiful, passionate, and honest post that shows heart and deep self reflection. On it's negative side, this can cause people to be very hard on themselves. On the positive side, it is a wonderful platform to the growth of a very strong, compassionate human being- regardless of size. Be healthy, be kind to yourself and shine- you deserve that.

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  14. I get where you're coming from... I went from 224 down to 140, only to end up at 226 after three years and ton of stress. I completely understand, as I fight my way back down (I'm down four pounds this week), but avoid seeing those that saw how great I "used" to look. We can't give up because we owe it to ourselves. I wish I looked as good as you. You'll reach your goal, as will I. Hugs!

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  15. I'm here via Anti-Jared's post on Facebook.
    I've read various posts from the past few years... what a story! Sorry for the tough place you are in now. You've had quite the ride. And the feeling of wanting to quit is understandable, who wants to keep going when life is tough? After almost losing my life and my leg in an accident, I was in the same place (even wrote my own obituary one dark miserable night)
    In a few of your posts, you mentioned wanting/needing knowledge... knowledge is what saved me also. Counselors giving me the emotional tools to deal with trauma and helping me see that even if I don't have the body I did before, I still had a body and I could still do something. I realized life is too short to be miserable so I started doing what I could, with what I had, where I was. Along the way I discovered I'm capable of more than I ever dreamed possible! From almost dead to doing marathons... because I can!
    Girl you have gained a boatload of knowledge! Combine your knowledge with your willpower and you'll be on your way to being that fit, runner girl you want to be. Because fit, healthy runner girls are sexy!
    You are capable of doing more than you realize! So do what you can, with what you have, where you are... because you fucking can!

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  16. SUZIE!!!!
    Ok, for starters, you are NOT alone. So many people, including myslef have gained and lost, gained and lost. But, you MUST talk to yourself in a positive, uplifting manner. YOU'VE DONE IT BEFORE, YOU'LL DO IT AGAIN. KNOW IT IN YOUR HEART AS ABSOLUTE FACT. YOU KNOW YOUR WEAKNESS, NOW FIGHT IT!!! I as well, am a huge beer fan. As you know, beer and true fitness don't mix well...
    I STRONGLY suggest not keeping any beer in the fridge. Set some goals for the week...and once you've accomplished all/most of them, treat yourself. Plan an evening to enjoy. But only buy a 6 pack, or a 12 pack...
    SUICIDE IS NEVER THE ANSWER. IT IS GIVING UP. YOU HAVE A CHOICE TO GIVE UP, OR FIGHT. NOW PUT YOUR GLOVES, RUNNING SHOES AND IPOD ON, AND FIGHT, DAMNIT!!!!

    YOU GOT THIS!!!!

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  17. i read your blog as often as you post (by the way....i like what you have to say so say more lol) but honestly just keep to myself.
    two things
    1)i think you look freakin amazing. weight lost=amazing weight gained back=amazing. i dont want to sound weird but i think your inner strength is shinning through and prettying things up as well lol
    2) you inspire more than you will ever realize. i know i personally have pretty much a whole other slightly over weight human worth of weight to loose. i am fucking too scared to start. all the what ifs are screaming at me.....but seeing someone coming through the otherside of this weightloss shat...well it gives me hope that i could too.

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  18. I know you can do this and get to exactly where you want to be. You are strong and beautiful, both in looks and in your actions. Are you still meeting with a counselor? That is a very important piece of this puzzle (I know, since I struggle with binge eating and esteem issues as well.)Please know you are not alone! You rock!

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  19. This was so brave! I know the feeling, like most of us on this journey it's up and downs along the way. I've lost and gained and lost again. But, in the end I hope you know how strong you are to share this with us!

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  20. Visiting from Anti-Jared's post-

    Suzi- I am in the same place- and felt like just giving up. BUT this post has inspired me to just quit my bitching and GO, Just get up and get started again .
    Thank you for your honestly and your inspiration.
    You got this!

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  21. You can do this, pretty lady. You're Suzi Storm!

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  22. You've done it before and you'll do it again - for you and not for anyone or anything (Weight Watchers press) else. Good luck

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  23. Publishing this post show just how strong you really are. You are amazing, Suzi! Don't ever forget that.

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  24. The battle is truly never over, but you can do it!

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  25. I am gay..and hello :) Today is day one, tomorrow is day one, the next day and the day after that..every day a conscious choice of what goes in my mouth. My mantra is on my desk on my fridge, in my closet..."Determination is making a goal your bitch" and she is mine! Find your bitch :)

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  26. you're my hero for posting this. it's what i've been dealing with too, i gained back all the weight i lost and then some, and then some more. i'm losing again, and i'm going to do my best. that's all we have. xoxo

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  27. You *are* Suzi Fucking Storm, and you got this. You're an amazing, beautiful, courageous rock star. One who can wear a cat on her shoulder and walk around the room, looking fabulous.

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  28. I've been there, right there, right recently. In 2005 I weighed 572 pounds and by 2009 I'd dropped down as low as 340. I got a ton of blog followers, and even got featured in the local paper. I was up to like a thousand visits a day at one point, then it all came apart. In November of 2010 I weighed around 390, then just.. let it all go.

    By February of 2012 I was at 471 and couldn't speak when I saw that number. Today I'm at 305.5 and can finally speak, look people in the eye, and not hide away in my office or behind a laptop. Making the post, and telling people how much weight I'd gained back after the article(s), tweets, and awards from work was pure hell. I wrote the post, hit publish, then literally ran out the door and got on my bike for two hours.

    So I don't know if it will help you, but here's that post: http://www.chubbysuperbiker.com/2012/07/dark-truth-week-24-part-1.html

    Making the post is the first step - I took it later I guess - but you can do it now that you've done it. If that makes any sense.

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  29. 1. What they all said. ^ Seriously. Read them again. Read them every day if you can.
    2. I'm so proud of you for being you. Always. And you should be proud, too, because YOU is a damn awesome thing to be!
    3. This is life. This happens. We all know this. Sheryl Yvette knows this. SO many of us do. Like all of us, you are on a lifelong path and we WILL get to where you want to be, inside and out.
    4. You are gorgeous. Always. That is all.

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  30. I think we lose track of what a success story is.....

    I used to think that it was a before and after picture and a blurb. "I lost ________ " and I did _______ to keep it of and blah blah"

    A success story is someone who overcomes adversity. They can fall at times. Things happen in life. And "Happily Ever After" is different for everyone.

    You are a success story.

    Always will be.

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    1. Incredibly well said. As always! I couldn't agree more.

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  31. No apologies necessary! Take it one day at a time. You are already an amazing success.

    Believe.

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  32. You can fall 1000 times as long as you get back up 1001 times. You got this!!

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  33. you have nothing to be sorry about. xoxo

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  34. You are beautiful no matter what size you are. Take care, and best wishes in getting back on track!

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  35. It happens...it happens all the time...in fact...it happening to you is most certainly motivation to those who are going through the same thing. You caught it and acknowledged it...now use it as fuel to get you back to where you want to be! You got this girl!

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  36. You can do this!! Every day is a new battle! You can win the small battles, keeping the goal in mind!!

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  37. You've got me in tears. I look in the mirror and think the same things. I look back at pictures that I remember taking and hating myself THEN and now would love to get back to. I hear you. People may say that you look fine now (which you do, by the way) but I KNOW that feeling. I know the pain and embarrassment. I also know the darkness from feeling this way. Hang in there sweetie. If you can't find the will to make progress then try at least to just maintain. That's where I'm at right now, maintaining and trying to find the 'will' to take it to the next step. Looking forward to following you. You have it in you. Sometimes it just takes a little time to find it again.

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  38. You inspire me because of who you are and how you look at things. What you weigh does not change that. :)
    We've all got one big life ahead of us to live. This is yours, so do what you need to do. We'll be here cheering you on...

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  39. You're still gorgeous. We all still struggle.

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  40. You are beautiful -- and we are IN THIS TOGETHER. You have absolutely nothing to be sorry about -- you have done NOTHING wrong. There isn't much I can say that hasn't already been said, but I will be another voice telling you that you can do it. I know you can, the rest of your readers/fans/friends know you can, and YOU know you can.

    “When everything seems to be going against you, remember that the airplane takes off against the wind, not with it.” -- Henry Ford

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  41. Thank you for posting this! You are beautiful at any size but I know you'll get back to where you want to be. I've lost so much and gained it back too many times to count... You are showing such strength to keep sharing, and I end up shutting down and stop blogging. You give me courage to keep on trying and wanting to share again. I'll be here watching!

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  42. "Our greatest glory is not in never falling, but in rising every time we fall." - Confucius

    Keep this in mind. I don't know ONE PERSON who has gone through this journey who didn't have setbacks like this at LEAST once. Don't lose faith in yourself. You know what to do, you've proven that. Now you know even more. Use it and tweak some more. You have so many people behind you, supporting you, even if you can't see us ;)

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  43. I'm in the same spot. I get it, so much. I lost 69 pounds 7 years ago and kept it off for two years and then gained it all back plus 8 pounds. And now I'm back to counting my points (unofficially) and running. Why I stopped, I'll never know.

    You're amazing and we can do this.

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  44. First and foremost I agree with most everyone above you will get this done and there is certainly no need to apologize.

    Sadly, I grew very emotional wshen reading your post. Several years ago I lost a ton of weight with weight watchers, felt amazing, and took it all for granted. I still hated myself even as thin as I was and I didn't realize that loosing weight is only half of this, the other half if getting your crap together to not gain it back. Life happened to me the way it did to you. You are going to figure this out and figure out how to enjoy your life at the same time. Thank you for sharing this post, I know just how hard that is!

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  45. What courage it took to actually post this, I cannot even imagine. Bravely done.. Good luck in your battle. This time around it is more emotional than physical, isn't it?? You know how to physical lose weight, now you need to learn how to emotionally 'lose weight'--pain, shame, feelings of inadequacy, etc. Blessings and hugs.

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  46. Don't apologize, no need. Onward and downward :).

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  47. It is what it is. For what it is worth, it makes me feel better. I've gained 70 pounds...I feel stupid. I thought I was the only one. How could I be that fucking dumb??? Nobody else would EVER do this. Guess what. I was wrong. I wish someone other than you would have got fat again ...but it was you. You give hope to me. If you can get back with it...maybe I can? I've told you before...and I honestly mean it....I still have the picture of you that my Weight Watchers monthly pass came on last year. It motivates me. Now more than ever.

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  48. Do NOT apologize. You are still beautiful, smart and funny. Your weight DOES NOT define you. I've gained back 40 pounds and I will NOT let it break me. YOU GOT THIS!

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  49. No apology needed. You're human. You fall. You get back up. You keep going. We all fail. But it's the keeping going that will set you apart. We get you. We follow you. You follow us. You forget you're fabulous. We remind you and you remind us. You are Suzi FUCKING Storm!!! You are strong!!! Your experience is going to be different than that other time. It doesn't matter. You know yourself better. You learn and move along.

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  50. Oh my sweet Suzi.
    I have a picture of you that was in my WW magazine from last year. I kept it, cut it out and put it on a goal book I had. I still have it. I won't get rid of it. I've regained the 50 lbs I lost it 3 years ago. Please understand that there are more of you's out there than those who lost it and kept it off. I understand that it's a lifetime journey. You understand that it's a lifetime journey of moving forward, back, forward, back and forward again. I know you can do it again. Don't put so much pressure on yourself. The only person you have to do this for is YOU!!! Lot's of hugs and tears. I know you are crying while reading everyone's responses because that's how I know you have touched us as we have touched you today.

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  51. I know it's hard, but try not to hate your body or yourself.

    Your body is a strong body, and you will make it even stronger.

    Your body is NOT an ugly body. Your body is a strong, beautiful, wonderful body.

    You can do it.

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  52. This post is the story of my life. For real. It always helps me to know I'm not alone in my struggles. Well, you're not alone.

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  53. 1. You are gorgeous
    2. You are human
    3. You are a force to be reckoned with!

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  54. It's really kinda hard not to love you! Just letting you know. All these peeps are right. Keep at it, girl. I just told someone that I think accepting our "imperfectness" and moving on is the only way to go. The good news is, that you know you have done it before. Because I remember that whole feeling of not thinking that it was even possible in the beginning. Hopefully just knowing that it is possible keeps that spark and determination that you have alive! But no matter where you are or where you end up, I still love ya for being just who you are!

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  55. You have nothing to be sorry for...most of us on this journey have been right where you are at some point. I have seriously, over the past 13 years, rejoined WW about 25 times. Maybe more. I have success, I get to a decent weight (never quite to goal) and then I plunge backward. But I keep coming back. Because the program works when I work. And because I believe it's within me to get healthy and get to my goal. I know for sure, it's within you. <3

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  56. Hi Suzi,

    I am so grateful to you for being as open as you have been. I too gained back all of the weight I lost last year. I find reading your blog to be a great help and comfort as I get back on track. As many before have said on this page, I'm with you!

    -Julia

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  57. I wish I could just wrap my arms around you and hug you. Even though we have not led similar lives, this post - and many others - could have been written by me. I understand the self-loathing, depression, and thoughts about death being preferable to moving forward. I, too, have a weight-loss blog; I've had it for several years, and I am fatter now than I was when I started it. Inspiring? Yeah, not so much. But I keep at it. And I know you will too. You did it once, you CAN do it again. Focus on yourself and the man that loves you for who you are. Screw everyone else. People will think what they want to, and you cannot control that. But you can control how you are going chose to let it affect you - much easier said than done, believe me, I know. I am still trying to learn that, but it can be done. Keep your chin up, sweetie. I'll be checking in on you.

    Heather

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  58. You're human, you're a real person with joys and pains and strengths and weaknesses; i think we read your blog because we adore you for all these reasons.
    Hang in there schweets!
    I had a crap year because - hello no change. Bah, felt like a lot of work and struggle and then immediate sabotage. Fie on that. Let's change this year, ja?

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  59. It's a relief to hear that I'm not the only one who struggles with this. Thank you for posting.

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  60. Always remember that love means never having to say you are sorry! I found your post and blog today from Man Meets Scale and am so glad I did. I admire your honesty and strength more than you'll ever know. I have struggled with my weight and body image for years. The key for me has been to be relentless is my desire to increase my knowledge and self-awareness. I've finally come to understand that the path to lasting weight loss requires cultivating self compassion. I've been practicing yoga for more than 15 years, which has helped a lot.

    Hang in there! I'm cheering for you and am confident you will achieve all that you desire!!

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  61. Suzi, you have absolutely no idea how much this post resonates with me (and I am safely commenting from an anonymous place!). I am in the same place and have felt my cheeks burn with shame when I run in to an old friend who barely recognizes me because of a 70 pound weight gain. Your honesty is uplifting and your courage to put it out there is admirable. You did once and you can do it again. But it will be even better the second time because you will have the tools to do it the way that works for you!

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  62. when I saw your picture, what I thought is "man she is beautiful!!!"

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  63. Suzi - you are so brave. You inspired me to rejoin WW two weeks ago. I had lost 50 pounds and gained 70 back. We can do this!!

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  64. I'm a marathoner too. Gained back 14 after my last marathon...had a cast and a boot this summer. Re-dedicated myself to WW again (Lifetimer)...and yeah. I so feel this. You are GORGEOUS...it's the insides, man...and you can do this! I tweeted you...Good luck!

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  65. Just found your blog and I have to say YOU ARE NOT ALONE!!! Not by a long shot!! Thanks for sharing your story. Keep your head up and move forward.
    I binge eat too. I get it.
    ~Amy
    www.muststopbinging.blogspot.com

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  66. you are not alone! thanks for sharing! you are brave and we all believe in you! Go get it girl lace up those shoes and lets go!

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  67. Thank you, thank you, thank you for posting this. You took the words out of my mouth. There is not a single person in the world who has struggled to lose weight and keep it off that doesn't understand this. All of the previous posters are right: you are not alone, and you've got this. Hang in there!

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  68. Suzi, you are AMAZING just exactly the way you are. Right now. You do not need to apologize for anything. You owe us NOTHING! Do what you want, for you and only for you. My concern is that you are taking on too much responsibility for what you think you owe others. That's why I say you owe us nothing. You owe yourself everything, and only what you truly want for yourself. I know this all sounds stupid, but it's making sense in my crazy head. Congrats on making your goal at WW, regardless of anything else. That is something I've never done in my 20+ times joining WW, although I swear I'm doing it this time!

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  69. Thank you so much for posting this! Incredibly brave of you. You are not alone- and reading this made me realise I'm not either. We are just human. Thanks for reminding me. All the best of luck xx

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  70. I heard about your blog and Mr. Kirschoff's response from our WW leader. I am sure I'm not alone in how I felt when reading this - you could be me. I could be you. (You are lovely, btw). I hope you are getting calmness and support and not feeling panicked or overwhelmed by all the comments (I haven't read any of them myself bc, I am cramming this in between work meetings!). One thing I've learned (as a result of going AWOL from my family/friends) is that my family/friends love me for who I am - they don't criticize and see me as the failure I feel that I am. I am sure you will get to that place where it all clicks again... be that whatever it may be to keep you going, girl. It's a one day at a time thing for me (WW repeat member a zillion times over), and today is a good day. I hope it's the same for you!

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  71. Suzy, hugs to you... Please dont apologize and please, be kimd to yourself. I could have easilynwrote thismpost myself. You rock

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  72. I have to say the same thing happened to me- I lost 100 pounds and felt amazing but very quickly out it all back plus more for good measure. I hid away from friends, made excuses not to see people and generally cut ties and now I have lost a lot of friends all because f weight gain and being afraid of what other people think. Dont make the same mistake, you are beautiful and have done the hardest thing and shared yourself with everyone.

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  73. I've lost about 100 pounds and have been on lifetime for a few months. I am suddenly finding myself struggling. I'm still going to my meeting every week and doing a lot of thinking, blogging, etc to try and rein things in but it's scary. Your post was very helpful, thank you.

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  74. I have nothing to say becasue I am experiencing the same thing right now. Me giving you advice is like me taking a fitness class from an overweight person. I can tell you a bunch of positive crap but I am not sure I believe myself when I say and or write it. I am glad you shared. I am not alone.

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  75. You are not alone...as I typed that I started singing Michael Jackson's song..."YOu are not alone..." :-D

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  76. Hi Suzi,
    You have been an inspiration for SO many. If you need to, print off your previous blog posts and read them to yourself! Read other bloggers for inspiration as well. Get back to the basics that helped you the first time around. As you said--you can and you will do this. You got it! You have our support.

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