The Moment…


Here is the moment where I tell you that for the past week I have felt better than I have in many, many months.

Here is the moment where I tell you that I’ve actually been paying to what I’ve been putting into my body and being mindful of what I eat and how much.

Here is the moment where I tell you that for the first time in months, I ran yesterday. I produced sweat that didn’t occur from just taking the groceries in or walking up the stairs to the bedroom.

Here is the moment where I tell you that I have given up alcohol Monday-Thursday. This was something I always did when I was “on program” but as I’ve confessed have not been practicing for about a year now.

Here is the moment where I tell you that I am (trying) paying less attention to the scale & more about how I feel about the healthy choices I making day by day.

Here is the moment where I tell you that I have taken on the mantra of “Take it day by day.” I no longer plan out weekly goals or meals or fitness schedules. I take it day by freaking day and so far, so good.

Here is the moment where I tell you about my A-HA! moment as to why I gained weight back (well, one of many)…

I’ve told the story of Hitting Lifetime ---> WW employee ----> WW Success Story -----> Oprah all within a 5 month period many times. I’ve talked about how when I look back I can’t believe (no pun intended) how my life completely went into a whirl wind last year and how I never really got a chance to just *BE* with my new body. I never got to really become acquainted with it before showing it off to the entire world (our commercials were shown in other countries, so I’m allowed to say that. BOOYA!).

Here’s one thing I have never confessed though….I had body issues when I shot the WW campaign. My weight was at 161 lbs. That’s 1 lb over goal weight and 10 lbs from my lowest weight (the weight I was at when I shot the WW story in NYC). I felt not as comfortable. I felt….well….fat. I remember in LA the head fashion stylist (who was a total Cee U Next Tuesday by  the way) asking me my size and when I said “8 or 10, sometimes a 6 depending” and hearing her whisper “more like a 12”.  Well, OK then. Mind you I was wearing a size 8 pair of skinny jeans but I just rolled my eyes. I mean, I was in LA so the thought process is a bit different there with some fashion peeps.

I remember getting ready to go out and take the double decker bus tour with my fellow cast mates. A moment I couldn’t wait for…exploring California!! I tried on about 20 different things and hated them all. So I decided on jeans and a tank top but still felt uncomfortable so I brought a sweater. An extra 5-6 lbs and I felt uncomfortable enough to bring a sweater…..WTF?!

I felt fat here (with my husband RDJ):


And I felt fat here (even though I dressed kinda slutty looking back on it…and yes I’m pointing to my taco in front of Pink Taco):


And here in the hotel bathroom, I was depressed & feeling fat….


In all honesty. I think I look pretty gross in this picture. I don’t look healthy there, in my opinion.

SO what happened??

I came back home. I came back to real life. I had to deal with the holidays….thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years….all while dealing with the anticipation of the campaign being released and my friends, family & followers awaiting to see me shine. Mean while I gained a couple extra pounds and the self hatred built up like a cat piss in clumping litter. I would gain another pound or two and think “what’s the point? I’ve reached the top. Who gives a shit anymore. If I can’t be what I was in NYC or LA than I’m nothing."

Nobody who was supposed to reach out to me did. All they cared about was showing me off & sharing my story during each and every meeting, or making sure the # was OK that month. But it wasn’t. And nobody cared why.

I saw a picture of me at the Yankee stadium this past summer. I remember how I felt….I felt so fat and gross. I even avoided seeing my NYC friends because I was ashamed. But when I saw the picture today I said to myself “wtf?! You look great!! Why did I feel so awful about myself?!”.

So here I am now….obviously heavier than I was at Yankee stadium because let’s be honest the cycle just got worse and false start after false start has lead me to having to lose the weight all over again.

They say 3rd times a charm. I don’t need a fucking charm. I have a keychain full of those. I need KNOWLEDGE.

And this last time, I gained more knowledge than I can handle some days.

Last time I dealt with mostly food/alcohol issues, while reaping the benefits of better mental health & physical activity. Not once did I ever tackle issues that I may have had with body issues. I went from 252 lbs to 151 in about a year and half. I didn’t spend even a month at that weight just getting used to my “new” body without having to show it off for something.  I never got comfortable being at that weight. I never LEARNED how to be OK with gaining a couple pounds and getting it back off.

Gaining the weight this time around has been so much harder on my mentally. Not just because of the guilt/shame/embarrassment for the public to see but also because when I was over weight last time I never paid attention to how my body felt.  I just knew I was miserable & hid behind baggy clothes. But once I lost the weight I was like “Hey! I can move my neck back like this! I can cross my legs like this! I can reach this! I can see this bone!” and well now….not so much. So I feel like I’m in a body that isn’t even my own.

And from this day forward I refuse to live in a body that I don’t believe is mine.  I refuse to live in a body that I do not understand or accept.  Truth is, I didn’t know or understand my body at 151 lbs either, so I need to let all that shit go because that’s where the negativity starts and I’ve had just about enough of that garbage.

This time around I will be stronger and even more successful.  And it won’t be something that can be measured in stories or AD’s or appearances. It won’t be measured by a scale or a clothing size #. It will be measured by me and my choices, my comfort, my sustainability.  I’m not in this to yo-yo around on the scale. I honestly believe that everything that happened last year happened for a reason. And I honestly believe that this time is the right time.

I posted it on Facebook and I will post it here…..SUZI MOTHER F*CKING STORM IS BACK BITCHES!!!!!

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