ONE session….14 years later…one session with a psychologist later and…
Ha!! Made ya look (read, whatever).
Today was my first therapy appointment in 14+ years. Sure, I’ve been a Weight Watchers member for 4+ years and been attending meetings, but that is a different kind of therapy.
He seeks to bull shit. We got straight to the point. Straight to my trigger….weight loss/weight gain.
He’s a pretty cool guy. Kind of a hippie-esque to him with a very intuitive mind. He’s a little touchy-feely…he just likes to grab my hand or rub or tap my arm….kind of weird but he’s a very animated person. I respect everything he said to me, even if I don’t agree 100%. I said the basic foundations that I wanted to lay out and we will see where we go from here.
Words that we shared and agreed with often….
IMPOSTER. SHAME. BIG GIRL. PRETZEL.
Yeah…pretzel. That is the word that really struck me. Really opened a door for me. A twist. A continuous twist.
Things I learned….
Fuck all of you. And I mean that with the utmost respect, but seriously. I’ve been living in HELL these past few months because I am afraid of what OTHERS think. I’m scared to go to the store, to work, to a concert, in fear that someone will see me and think “Ooooh fatty!!”. Are you fucking kidding me?!?! Did I really stumble back that far?! I never gave a shit what any of you thought before (again, no offence). I NEVER, EVER, EVEEEEEER did ANY of this for you!! SO why….WHY NOW….are all of you holding me back?!?! Why do I care what YOU think?? Why do I care what YOU see??
You are not me. You do not live my life. You are not in my life. So WHY do I let you control my life.
I became propaganda. I am too strong, too badass and too awesome to be a piece of your battle. You have to love me at 101 lbs lost and at 28 lbs lost….otherwise, you’ve never loved or supported me at all.