Wednesday, November 14, 2012

The Moment…

Here is the moment where I tell you that for the past week I have felt better than I have in many, many months.

Here is the moment where I tell you that I’ve actually been paying to what I’ve been putting into my body and being mindful of what I eat and how much.

Here is the moment where I tell you that for the first time in months, I ran yesterday. I produced sweat that didn’t occur from just taking the groceries in or walking up the stairs to the bedroom.

Here is the moment where I tell you that I have given up alcohol Monday-Thursday. This was something I always did when I was “on program” but as I’ve confessed have not been practicing for about a year now.

Here is the moment where I tell you that I am (trying) paying less attention to the scale & more about how I feel about the healthy choices I making day by day.

Here is the moment where I tell you that I have taken on the mantra of “Take it day by day.” I no longer plan out weekly goals or meals or fitness schedules. I take it day by freaking day and so far, so good.

Here is the moment where I tell you about my A-HA! moment as to why I gained weight back (well, one of many)…

I’ve told the story of Hitting Lifetime ---> WW employee ----> WW Success Story -----> Oprah all within a 5 month period many times. I’ve talked about how when I look back I can’t believe (no pun intended) how my life completely went into a whirl wind last year and how I never really got a chance to just *BE* with my new body. I never got to really become acquainted with it before showing it off to the entire world (our commercials were shown in other countries, so I’m allowed to say that. BOOYA!).

Here’s one thing I have never confessed though….I had body issues when I shot the WW campaign. My weight was at 161 lbs. That’s 1 lb over goal weight and 10 lbs from my lowest weight (the weight I was at when I shot the WW story in NYC). I felt not as comfortable. I felt….well….fat. I remember in LA the head fashion stylist (who was a total Cee U Next Tuesday by  the way) asking me my size and when I said “8 or 10, sometimes a 6 depending” and hearing her whisper “more like a 12”.  Well, OK then. Mind you I was wearing a size 8 pair of skinny jeans but I just rolled my eyes. I mean, I was in LA so the thought process is a bit different there with some fashion peeps.

I remember getting ready to go out and take the double decker bus tour with my fellow cast mates. A moment I couldn’t wait for…exploring California!! I tried on about 20 different things and hated them all. So I decided on jeans and a tank top but still felt uncomfortable so I brought a sweater. An extra 5-6 lbs and I felt uncomfortable enough to bring a sweater…..WTF?!

I felt fat here (with my husband RDJ):

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And I felt fat here (even though I dressed kinda slutty looking back on it…and yes I’m pointing to my taco in front of Pink Taco):

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And here in the hotel bathroom, I was depressed & feeling fat….

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In all honesty. I think I look pretty gross in this picture. I don’t look healthy there, in my opinion.

SO what happened??

I came back home. I came back to real life. I had to deal with the holidays….thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years….all while dealing with the anticipation of the campaign being released and my friends, family & followers awaiting to see me shine. Mean while I gained a couple extra pounds and the self hatred built up like a cat piss in clumping litter. I would gain another pound or two and think “what’s the point? I’ve reached the top. Who gives a shit anymore. If I can’t be what I was in NYC or LA than I’m nothing."

Nobody who was supposed to reach out to me did. All they cared about was showing me off & sharing my story during each and every meeting, or making sure the # was OK that month. But it wasn’t. And nobody cared why.

I saw a picture of me at the Yankee stadium this past summer. I remember how I felt….I felt so fat and gross. I even avoided seeing my NYC friends because I was ashamed. But when I saw the picture today I said to myself “wtf?! You look great!! Why did I feel so awful about myself?!”.

So here I am now….obviously heavier than I was at Yankee stadium because let’s be honest the cycle just got worse and false start after false start has lead me to having to lose the weight all over again.

They say 3rd times a charm. I don’t need a fucking charm. I have a keychain full of those. I need KNOWLEDGE.

And this last time, I gained more knowledge than I can handle some days.

Last time I dealt with mostly food/alcohol issues, while reaping the benefits of better mental health & physical activity. Not once did I ever tackle issues that I may have had with body issues. I went from 252 lbs to 151 in about a year and half. I didn’t spend even a month at that weight just getting used to my “new” body without having to show it off for something.  I never got comfortable being at that weight. I never LEARNED how to be OK with gaining a couple pounds and getting it back off.

Gaining the weight this time around has been so much harder on my mentally. Not just because of the guilt/shame/embarrassment for the public to see but also because when I was over weight last time I never paid attention to how my body felt.  I just knew I was miserable & hid behind baggy clothes. But once I lost the weight I was like “Hey! I can move my neck back like this! I can cross my legs like this! I can reach this! I can see this bone!” and well now….not so much. So I feel like I’m in a body that isn’t even my own.

And from this day forward I refuse to live in a body that I don’t believe is mine.  I refuse to live in a body that I do not understand or accept.  Truth is, I didn’t know or understand my body at 151 lbs either, so I need to let all that shit go because that’s where the negativity starts and I’ve had just about enough of that garbage.

This time around I will be stronger and even more successful.  And it won’t be something that can be measured in stories or AD’s or appearances. It won’t be measured by a scale or a clothing size #. It will be measured by me and my choices, my comfort, my sustainability.  I’m not in this to yo-yo around on the scale. I honestly believe that everything that happened last year happened for a reason. And I honestly believe that this time is the right time.

I posted it on Facebook and I will post it here…..SUZI MOTHER F*CKING STORM IS BACK BITCHES!!!!!

43 comments:

  1. Love this suzi!! Welcome back!! I love your honesty and, well, you!! You are awesome!! :)

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  2. *NOTE* I should add that if it comes off as though I'm blaming others for my gains I am not. I control myself and what goes into my body. There is probably nothing that anyone could have said that would have changed what has happened. I should've proof read that before posting, but I never proof read LOL!!

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  3. YEAH!!! I'm so glad to see this, I am struggling big time and sliding backwards myself. I spent a year at goal but recently I am gaining and HATE it and I'm spending a long time HATING myself for it. You inspire me

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  4. I'm rooting for you! (I never stopped.) I knew you were back when I read your tweet about running last night and the mix of sweat and tears.

    Happy for you :)

    ....you continually inspire me with your honesty and who you are as a person.

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  5. Your story is REAL. It is like mine. I can relate to your struggle, having been there myself more times than I care to admit. I am sure that I am not the only one who relates to what you just wrote. We each have our own unique story, our own baggage, our own insecurities, our own set of blinders to our beauty. Sometimes you have to hit the bottom to knock the blinders off.

    I like your story, it has lumps and bumps like mine.

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  6. as a fellow backslider....... I salute you! We did it once, we can do it again!! ;)

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  7. And this is where I tell you I'm proud of you. Always am. Just a bit more today. You got this. YOU. GOT. THIS. Xoxo

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  8. I have so much to say and so little at the same time. All I can say is you are fan-freakin-tastic at any weight, any size! I love this post and I adore you!!! I'm so glad to hear that you are working on the mental part of this because I can SO relate to the fact that the physical part is the easy part. You got this girl. xoxo

    Krystle

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  9. So glad you are sharing your experiences through your blog - it’s real, honest and inspiring to others (especially me)! (Jenny in China)

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  10. #suzimotherfuckingstormbitches

    So happy for you and excited that you're taking the next step in the journey. I've learned through many cycles, up and down, with WW, that you have to do it for you. Not for other people or to obtain approval from others or for any other reason than self-love. I'm happy for you that you've had some ah-ha moments that brought you to a place where you're ready to move forward. It's broken my heart to read your pain in the past months. We are all in it with you, for better or for worse, and we all support you, no ad campaign necessary.

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  11. Love, love, love this post! I've so enjoyed reading your tweets the last week or two...I can just feel the positive energy in them! Suzi-mother-effing-storm IS back and we are all stoked about it!

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  12. I so love this. You are a total #badass and I think this is one of the greatest blog posts I have ever read. You've got this girl.

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  13. Suzi...you and Foodie inspired me to go back to weight watchers after a year of recovering from binge eating as a result of my PTSD....What inspired me wasn't all the ads or the hoopla...it was your attitude that I saw via fb and twitter and your blog about one more beer (not a drinker myself but there is a sass about that)
    I too had a small loss, pics in a mag, etc that followed my journey not the complete loss like yours...but things turned drastically after that ...when all the support was gone and life went south...
    I have always felt in my heart I need to deal with the body issues stuff first to make any loss and lifestyle change...
    THANK YOU for this post......

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  14. HIGH FUCKING FIVE TO THIS ALL DAY LONG.

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  15. and THIS is why I love you lady!!!!!

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  16. Me: 2011, lost 70 lbs. Me: 2012: gained 50 of it back. Me: late 2012: have lost 22 of those damn 50. This time around, I know I can do this. I know the formula to get there. And like you, I just want to get back to that healthy feeling again, and enjoying it for what it is. We can do this. You can do this. Hell, you've already proven it. Now go kick some ass.

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  17. Thanks for being real, no matter what you're going through at any given moment. Your raw honesty is so appreciated.

    I think it's a shame that you never got to just be comfortable with your new body before everyone was demanding something of you. This time will be different, because you've thought about an acknowledged what you need. Like always, I wish you the very best and look forward to continuing to read about your journey.

    I've basically restarted my fitness and weight loss journey, too, and am trying to take it a day at a time also. We both know what we need to do, so we WILL succeed!

    Thanks again!

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  18. Yeah!!! Good for you and so happy to see you back!!! I love your honesty and keeping it real attitude..

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  19. I'd wish you good luck but you don't need it, you've got this! :)

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  20. Thank you for sharing! You are awesome! Like how real you are!

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  21. WooooooooF*ckingHoooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!

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  22. Really?

    Glad you're owning up to your own issues. Also glad you're laying off the the "one more beer."

    I'm sure the "Cee You Next Tuesday" is not to blame for your body dysmorphia and insecurity. Get a therapist and deal with it.

    Grow up.

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  23. Negative commentary is disappointing. This woman is human and real and honest and determined.

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  24. OK, this is really bugging me...cunt: Cee yoU Next Tuesday. Cynt?? ;)

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  25. To the anonymous that just had to post something negative on a person's blog that is actually trying to make herself better and taking the time to share her story; you need to grow up... You are only insecure and feel the need to rain on her sunshine because you will NEVER be as awesome as her! If anything you probably motivated her even more.

    Learn how to spell and grow up!

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  26. Suzi, you rock! I know you can do it. And yes, CYNT has a lot less power (as does a comment from a negative anonymous loser).

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  27. Suzi, you're a rock star. Thank you for being awesome.

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  28. Suzi, You are awesome and an inspiration!

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  29. Ok so I so behind in my reading but I am so glad you are back. Having done the big weight loss and not learned how to live with that weight loss I gained it back too. I promised myself this time I didn't care how long it took I was going to do it right and deal with my "stuff" so that I don't gain it back again. So glad your back

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  30. Sorry my spelling of calling another woman a C. U. N T. was off. MY BAD: I mis-spelled calling another woman a CUNT A Cee YOU Next Tuesday, vs a CEE U Next Tuesday.
    Come on, really? You put your life on display and then expect ZERO negative feedback? Come on, deal. It's not always rainbows and unicorns.

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  31. You can know all about the moment from the post here. Read all about it

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  32. I know this was posted a couple of months ago, but I can't even explain how it resonates with me...I feel like our stories are similar--girl loses 80pounds, still feels 'fat' even while running marathons, then gains it ALL back plus some...now dumbfounded that I ever felt fat at 155! I'm praying 2013 is the year I figure my shit out. Good luck & thanks for your inspiring stories! :0)

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  33. So many of us understand your story all to well. You however have more guts than I as your willing to share your story with the world! Thanks for reminding me that I'm not alone!

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