The First Time…

29 comments

ONE session….14 years later…one session with a psychologist later and…

I’M CURED!!!!!!!!!

Ha!! Made ya look (read, whatever). 

Today was my first therapy appointment in 14+ years.  Sure, I’ve been a Weight Watchers member for 4+ years and been attending meetings, but that is a different kind of therapy.

He seeks to bull shit. We got straight to the point. Straight to my trigger….weight loss/weight gain.

He’s a pretty cool guy. Kind of a hippie-esque to him with a very intuitive mind.  He’s a little touchy-feely…he just likes to grab my hand or rub or tap my arm….kind of weird but he’s a very animated person. I respect everything he said to me, even if I don’t agree 100%.  I said the basic foundations that I wanted to lay out and we will see where we go from here.

Words that we shared and agreed with often….

IMPOSTER.   SHAME.   BIG GIRL.   PRETZEL.

Yeah…pretzel. That is the word that really struck me. Really opened a door for me.  A twist. A continuous twist.

Things I learned….

Fuck all of you. And I mean that with the utmost respect, but seriously.  I’ve been living in HELL these past few months because I am afraid of what OTHERS think.  I’m scared to go to the store, to work, to a concert, in fear that someone will see me and think “Ooooh fatty!!”. Are you fucking kidding me?!?!  Did I really stumble back that far?! I never gave a shit what any of you thought before (again, no offence).  I NEVER, EVER, EVEEEEEER did ANY of this for you!! SO why….WHY NOW….are all of you holding me back?!?! Why do I care what YOU think??  Why do I care what YOU see??

You are not me. You do not live my life. You are not in my life. So WHY do I let you control my life.

I became propaganda. I am too strong, too badass and too awesome to be a piece of your battle. You have to love me at 101 lbs lost and at 28 lbs lost….otherwise, you’ve never loved or supported me at all.

29 comments:

  1. Even though we've never met in person, I love you regardless of the number on the scale. What's inside of you is what makes you Suzi. The number on the scale is just that ... a fucking number. It only measures what you weigh. It doesn't measure your character or self-worth. As I told you yesterday on Twitter, I'm always here for you if you need me! xoxo

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  2. Amazing. Thank you. You are absolutely incredible and I freaking love you no matter what! And though we've never met, You are amazing and I always have your back! I like you for you, that's all there is to it. I'm always here for you, always. <3

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  3. I think you are amazing (never meeting of course)!! I love reading your blog/ twitter because you are so real!! Who wants to read about rainbows and unicorns!

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  4. I think we all watch that number on the scale way too much (I know I am obsessed with it). Your blog is honest and your success is real.

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  5. Suzi, I initially found your website a year or two ago because of your inspiring weight loss. But I routinely come back because your struggle is so universal and you are kind enough to share it with me. Congratulations for overcoming another obstacle!

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  6. I will not judge you, ever
    I will accept you for soulfull person you are, that person inside

    I love your honesty

    ♥♥♥♥♥ LOVE IT! ♥♥♥♥♥

    Set yourself free.....

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  7. Well said!! It's all you, sister. <3

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  8. Very good. Said it before, will say it again, You are my hero

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  9. Yeah!!! Fuck us all!!!
    You ARE cured. ;-)

    So glad you are on this path, my friend.

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  10. So true. I admire you no matter what the scale may say. Your struggle is real and hits home to so many readers. I know it does to me...keep at it. Fight the good fight Suzi!

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  11. "You have to love me at 101 lbs lost and at 28 lbs lost….otherwise, you’ve never loved or supported me at all. "

    So true. I'm so glad you're working through your struggles. All we can do is our best on any given day and keep moving forward, regardless of what others thing.

    Thanks for being so real and so transparent.

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  12. You are still an inspiration to me in your time of struggle. I always am concerned with what other people think & your subtle FUCK YOU is going to be my new life motto. I am down 30 elbees since February & I quit doing it the past 2 weeks. The WW plan suddenly became MY plan....um....it doesn't work the same. Today is weigh day & I will start over. Life is full of hurdles & I know that you will prevail. Thank you for being you.

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  13. Suzi - you are such an incredible woman whether you've lost 101 pounds or 28 pounds. I found you inspiring because you showed me that a real person CAN lose the weight if you try. You also shed light, whether you want to or not, on the fact that losing weight or weight maintenance is going to be a bitch. I've lost 185+ pounds and am struggling to keep off what I've lost and to lose more. I realize that this might not be what you want to read but I need to know that it's going to be hard so that I don't think that I am the only one this happens to and give up on myself. I hope you can work through your struggles and I hope I can figure out WTF is going on with mine. Good Luck to you and I can't wait to hear how about your ongoing journey. Many hugs to you!

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  14. Happy to see you back! Do what you have to to make yourself ok! Love reading your blog good, bad, or ugly! You tell it like it is and I love that!!

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  15. Yeah...fuck us! (that doesn't sound right) We suck!

    Seriously, you're awesome...anyone who can't see that is a douchebag.

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  16. Love this - so raw and awesome. The 3rd and 2nd to last paragraphs are EXACTLY like I'm feeling.

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  17. I think some of these people leaving comments didn't read or understand your post.

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  18. Suzi, you are amazing no matter what.

    If there are haters, then let them hate.

    Seriously, you just have to be happy with yourself. That's all that matters. If you aren't happy with yourself, then change what you aren't happy with. But do it for yourself. Don't ever, ever live your life for anyone but yourself.

    You are strong and amazing. No matter what.

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  19. "I never gave a shit what any of you thought before (again, no offence). I NEVER, EVER, EVEEEEEER did ANY of this for you!! SO why….WHY NOW….are all of you holding me back?!?! Why do I care what YOU think?? Why do I care what YOU see??"

    I have a lot of respect and admiration for you, but this just reinforces my feeling that people need to stop blogging about their personal lives. I don't get it. I think it does more damage in the long run. You are not obligated to anyone, we're strangers! We don't effing matter - we are nothing but nosey voyeurs curious about the intimate details of someone else's life. It's kind of sick when you think about it, anonymous people you will probably never meet can have such an impact on your psyche.

    Figure out why you felt the need to start a blog in the first place and put yourself out there. You didn't start a blog during your "BEFORE" life, only during your "AFTER" phase. Your life wasn't worth blogging about before you lost the weight? You only felt your life was worth sharing after you got thin?

    Why the F does anyone blog about their personal life? For validation? Admiration? Superiority? Attention? I personally don't get it but, being a hypocrite, I read a lot of blogs. I also can smell the BS on a lot of them. I think there are great, useful blogs and then those that are really self-serving. "Look at me, I look so in control and awesome, my life is so much better than yours!" I think a lot of bloggers should step away from blogging and figure out why they do it. Surely you have family and friends to talk to and lean on - why reach out to complete strangers and share intimate details of your life?

    Wishing you the best.

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  20. I just created a blog after a month of really struggling with my eating and tracking. Seeing your blog is refreshing. This is a lifelong thing and it's personal. Being honest about the struggle is brave and inspiring.. I could learn more from you in so many ways.. fuck you for being so fabulous (with respect) and way to go!

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  21. One day, sooner or later, you will look back on this and know it was the best thing that happened! I been there done that (depression, real depression, eating disorders, life long weight struggle, lose, gain, lose, gain, lose etc) Bad feelings are there to make you see that things haven't been solved yet that need healing. I often beat myself up for having been in the dark place for too long before I found the strength to get up and start living again, just like you're in the process again now. Therapy is frigging awesome and trust me, the worst session (crying, feeling so fucking awful, wanting to NOT go back ever again) - those turn out to be the best ones! Stick to it, chica. And no, i won't tell you you're awesome and you're an inspiration, because it doesn't matter what I think about you. It matters what you think of yourself! That's why it hurts to see people again after having gained again, because oneself reflects the feeling of disappointment in oneself off of that person. If that makes sense....
    Anyway, go get'em!

    PS: To anonymous on Oct 1st: it's for accountability you f*ckwit!

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  22. I wanted to share this link with you to an interview with a gentleman who lost a lot of weight where he discusses some of what he went through mentally after the loss: http://anthonycolpo.com/how-i-lost-120-lbs-an-interview-with-muata-kamdibe/

    "I said I cringe every time I see my CNN interview because behind my motivational story was a person who was dealing with a lot of psychological and emotional issues as a result of the “new” Muata. Hell, it wasn’t until 2010 that I actually got used to seeing the slender face I see in the mirror every morning."

    I think being honest that the mental work isn't over once you hit goal weight is important and can help folks be better prepared for that reality.

    Take care.

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  23. The spectrum of majority throughout our lives: As a teenager, care too much what everyone thinks. Then immediately rebel to the other extreme and don't care what anyone thinks. Then one day you realize that most of the people are busy with their own lives and no one's been thinking about you at all.

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  24. I didn't spect that they took a lot of time to cure something. I thought it was something faster.

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