It has been no secret that I’ve neglected this blog very much this year. I have maybe one post a month and it’s usually me whining or bitching about something. I’d have some post saying that today was a NEW day and things were going to change. I was going to change. I was going to get back to treating myself good and making healthy choices. Most of those posts I probably wrote drunk, lol. I meant everything I said in them though. I did believe that it was going to be a new day and that I was going to make better choices.
But I did not.
Let me tell you where I have been this past year….My own personal hell. In what should be one of the best times of my life (WW campaign, getting engaged, summer full of fun things to do) it has been the most difficult. But why??
Can it really just be because of all the weight I’ve gained?? Is it really that simple?? Sometimes I think so, but then I know that my weight doesn’t define me, though I guess I felt as though it did for the entire year of 2011. And maybe *that* is part of the root cause of my issues.
Hate. Disgusted. Fat. Ugly. Blob. Failure. Quitter. Death. Revolting. Sadness.
Those are all words that constantly swirl around in my head. Some days they get the best of me….the real best of me. They get to me so hard that I fear my own actions and mental stability. I hate myself so much right now. I am so angry at myself and so negative. I am constantly…and I mean constantly fighting a war with myself in my head. It is an awful way to live. I don’t ever remember ever feeling this disgusted with myself.
I suffered depression for more than half of my years of being alive. I spent many years in a very, very deep dark place. We are not talking about the blues here or a case of the sad face. If you’ve ever suffered from depression, you know exactly what I’m talking about. If you haven’t well, let’s just put it this way…a friend encouraging me to go out and run or do some sort of physical activity is like torture to me at this point because I have to use up all of my energy just to get out of bed and function like a normal human being on a day to day basis.
I have panic and anxiety attacks all the time now. I have to talk myself into going to the grocery store because I am so worried that I will run into someone I know and they will see me and see the weight gain and will know with their own two eyes that I am a failure.
I’ve turned down or completely ignored emails from people requesting that I do an interview for their weight loss or healthy living blog or website. Because who wants to hear about my failure?? And wouldn’t me talking about losing weight just be fake right now??
People tweet me saying what an “inspiration” I am and sometimes that just makes me cry. How am I an inspiration anymore? You shouldn’t look up to me. I’m a failure.
I stopped attending my regular Weight Watchers meeting months ago. I didn’t go because I was ashamed and embarrassed. I didn’t want them to see me this way. I didn’t want them to see my failures. I either went to meetings I normally didn’t attend, or in most cases just followed the plan online. But two weeks ago I gathered up some courage from somewhere and went back. I have been pretty quiet (which is strange for me) and I try to keep to myself, but I’m back there and that in itself is a huge movement forward. A real movement forward, not just me saying that I am going to make one here on this blog.
My leader said something to me that I have kind of thought these past few months…she said “I was thinking about you and I realized that you never got to just BE at your goal weight. You never got a chance to really live everyday life at that weight. You hit lifetime, started working for us, went to NY, Oprah, then LA plus all the local stuff you did here. You never got to just be you at your new weight for just yourself.” Ain’t that the fucking truth!!
Now I’m not blaming anyone or any group and I certainly do NOT regret any of it. I wouldn’t change a thing. But it is kind of true. 2011 was the first year I got to live in my body at my goal weight but almost every month I had to show it off for others to see. I was high on the attention & overwhelming feeling to MOTIVATE others.
I spent the entire year motivating others. Did I ever stop to motivate myself?
It’s been 14 years since I’ve been in therapy. Tomorrow I have my first appointment with a local psychologist. I need to work through these overwhelming feelings of self hate and failure. This is another big step towards me moving forward. I need to learn to be OK with where I am right now and believe in myself again. I need to know that this is not permanent and that I can make the changes I need…no, that I *WANT* to make.
They say 3rd times a charm…so here I am….again….back to this being a weight loss blog again….back to trying to overcome depression yet again…back to working on being the me I want to be again…but better.