Failure

34 comments
It has been no secret that I’ve neglected this blog very much this year. I have maybe one post a month and it’s usually me whining or bitching about something. I’d have some post saying that today was a NEW day and things were going to change. I was going to change. I was going to get back to treating myself good and making healthy choices. Most of those posts I probably wrote drunk, lol. I meant everything I said in them though. I did believe that it was going to be a new day and that I was going to make better choices.

But I did not.

Let me tell you where I have been this past year….My own personal hell. In what should be one of the best times of my life (WW campaign, getting engaged, summer full of fun things to do) it has been the most difficult. But why??

Can it really just be because of all the weight I’ve gained?? Is it really that simple?? Sometimes I think so, but then I know that my weight doesn’t define me, though I guess I felt as though it did for the entire year of 2011. And maybe *that* is part of the root cause of my issues.

Hate. Disgusted. Fat. Ugly. Blob. Failure. Quitter. Death. Revolting. Sadness.

Those are all words that constantly swirl around in my head. Some days they get the best of me….the real best of me. They get to me so hard that I fear my own actions and mental stability. I hate myself so much right now. I am so angry at myself and so negative. I am constantly…and I mean constantly fighting a war with myself in my head. It is an awful way to live. I don’t ever remember ever feeling this disgusted with myself.

I suffered depression for more than half of my years of being alive. I spent many years in a very, very deep dark place. We are not talking about the blues here or a case of the sad face. If you’ve ever suffered from depression, you know exactly what I’m talking about. If you haven’t well, let’s just put it this way…a friend encouraging me to go out and run or do some sort of physical activity is like torture to me at this point because I have to use up all of my energy just to get out of bed and function like a normal human being on a day to day basis.

I have panic and anxiety attacks all the time now. I have to talk myself into going to the grocery store because I am so worried that I will run into someone I know and they will see me and see the weight gain and will know with their own two eyes that I am a failure.

I’ve turned down or completely ignored emails from people requesting that I do an interview for their weight loss or healthy living blog or website. Because who wants to hear about my failure?? And wouldn’t me talking about losing weight just be fake right now??

People tweet me saying what an “inspiration” I am and sometimes that just makes me cry. How am I an inspiration anymore? You shouldn’t look up to me. I’m a failure.

I stopped attending my regular Weight Watchers meeting months ago. I didn’t go because I was ashamed and embarrassed. I didn’t want them to see me this way. I didn’t want them to see my failures. I either went to meetings I normally didn’t attend, or in most cases just followed the plan online. But two weeks ago I gathered up some courage from somewhere and went back. I have been pretty quiet (which is strange for me) and I try to keep to myself, but I’m back there and that in itself is a huge movement forward. A real movement forward, not just me saying that I am going to make one here on this blog.

My leader said something to me that I have kind of thought these past few months…she said “I was thinking about you and I realized that you never got to just BE at your goal weight. You never got a chance to really live everyday life at that weight. You hit lifetime, started working for us, went to NY, Oprah, then LA plus all the local stuff you did here. You never got to just be you at your new weight for just yourself.” Ain’t that the fucking truth!!

Now I’m not blaming anyone or any group and I certainly do NOT regret any of it. I wouldn’t change a thing. But it is kind of true. 2011 was the first year I got to live in my body at my goal weight but almost every month I had to show it off for others to see. I was high on the attention & overwhelming feeling to MOTIVATE others.

I spent the entire year motivating others. Did I ever stop to motivate myself?

It’s been 14 years since I’ve been in therapy. Tomorrow I have my first appointment with a local psychologist. I need to work through these overwhelming feelings of self hate and failure. This is another big step towards me moving forward. I need to learn to be OK with where I am right now and believe in myself again. I need to know that this is not permanent and that I can make the changes I need…no, that I *WANT* to make.

They say 3rd times a charm…so here I am….again….back to this being a weight loss blog again….back to trying to overcome depression yet again…back to working on being the me I want to be again…but better.





34 comments:

  1. well, then. i guess i won't send you virtual hugs. :) stick with it, chica. you are wonderful. I wish you Peace.
    gene

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  2. sending you lots of positivity.

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  3. good for you going to see someone, maybe that's exactly what you need right now! and guess what, you don't need to be perfect to be inspirational. you know what you need to be? just honest and just you. that's what you are doing now, but if you did that more often, reached out more often, imagine how much MORE all of us would be inspired, YOU included. I'm not going to pretend that I know exactly how you feel because I don't know exactly Suz. BUT, I lost weight on WW, got to my goal and even stayed there a couple of years and then I "failed" too. And I hated myself. And I was disgusted. But why? You are not a failure. I wasn't a failure. we are HUMAN. This shit happens. Does it suck? HELL YEAH, but no one is judging you and if they are, SCREW THEM. Sounds like your leader may really be on to something though, you need to get there for you and stay there for you and focus on you at least until you are COMFORTABLE in the new you, physically and mentally.

    I still think you rock and I wouldn't give a shit whether you gained everything back and more, if that's what was meant to be as part of the journey to the real you. But you gotta talk about it, you've got to get it out, you've got to scream, cry, yell, kick, get angry, get it out of your system so that you can take the big breath and start moving forward again.


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  4. No matter what you say or how down you are on yourself, I still think you are inspiring. I love reading your Tweets and your funny Facebook posts and your blogs. We are all flawed, we all have our struggles and we all have our own crosses to carry. So maybe some of your crosses got too heavy and you needed to set one aside while you were struggling with the others. That's ok. It doesn't mean you are a failure. It means you're a human, a person with real emotions and problems and fears and stress. You are not a cookie cutter woman on a WW poster with a perfect Stepford life. None of us are. And none of us will ever be "finished" with this journey - it's just a treadmill we have to keep walking on if we want to see a certain number or be a certain size. But that doesn't define you or me or anyone else - it's Suzi Storm.

    You don't have to be perfect to be admired or loved or inspiring. Just be you.

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  5. You being you is why I read this blog. Your story is a never ending inspiration - because every time you share - you are real. If you had been totally 100% perfect, I would not follow you. And that is a fact. Need you to know your life, with struggles and successes, ups and downs, is Real and because you share it, you do inspire.

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  6. Thinking of you girlie!! Been there (here now actually!) but I know you will pick up the pieces. You've already started that!! We're human, and shit happens. I'm glad you're taking care of you... for YOU!!!!

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  7. Do you live inside my brain?? Honestly I am not sure that any of us are ever really truly done. Or that we ever truly arrive? I have decided that this is going to be an ongoing battle that I will always fight. I hope one day I will be at goal weight and not have to spend every second of the day fighting. But I have a feeling that even then I will have good days/bad days and maybe even good/bad years!! I think it's normal and I don't think it makes you a failure. The fact that you care and are still trying to find a way to battle it out shows you are anything but a failure. And it is inspiring. It is very inspiring to see someone in the pits of depression clawing their way out. I suffer from anxiety and panic attacks too. Those things are horrific. They will totally debilitate you. And depression is horrible too. So the fact that you are trying to overcome those obstacles makes you a warrior!!

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  8. Depression is a tough road and I've been down it more than once. It's hard to recognize it when you're in it and really hard to take action once you do.
    Hang in there!

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  9. As far as what other people think, I don't think I could say it any better than Pinky did! SCREW THEM! This is YOUR journey and YOUR life. You owe no one any explanations or apologies. I do "get" the whole depression part. I've been hospitalized multiple times in my past for several depression/suicidal thoughts. A few times were voluntary. A few times weren't. I spent several years in intense therapy and finally pulled my way back out of the self-hatred and loathing. It's been nearly 13 years since I was at that truly deep dark place. Do I still struggle with depression? Yes, and I probably always will. I just try to recognize it for what it is and try to not let drag me down into its ugly hole. Yes, I know, that's a LOT easier said than done. Thinking about you!!

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  10. You'll spin that anger back into motivation. You've done it before, and you can (will) do it again.

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  11. Your honesty is what I find inspiring. Depression is such a terrible thing. It runs in my family and I have seen the effects. I would not try to minimize your pain by telling you to do something like going for a run. I think it is a great thing that you are going for therapy. Going back to Weight Watchers is a huge step, too. You seeing there is a problem is the biggest step. I hope you find peace and happiness.

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  12. Falling down isn't what matters. Continually standing up, dusting yourself off and moving forward IS what matters. Always remember that.

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  13. You know what to do...NOW GO DO IT! You help others....NOW HELP YOURSELF! You have helped so many just by being here and chatting with us....Now have that chat with yourself as if your telling a room full of people and don't forget to listen to what you have to say....It matters! YOU MATTER!

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  14. Why do we care so much about what others think? We do; I'm not immune to it. I lost 70 lbs in 2011, then promptly gained 50 in 2012, and have just started to lose again (14 so far). It is damn frustrating! So those feelings you talk about, I completely understand. But we define ourselves...we shouldn't let others define us. No matter what challenges you've hit in your life, we all still see you as an inspiration. That won't change. You'll get there, Suzi. Keep your head up. One thing is for sure: you have the spirit within yourself to overcome those barriers you hit in life. And there is no shame getting a little help from time to time to get there. I have faith in you!

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  15. Thank you for being real and honest. I am a WW who has been struggling for the better part of a year and a half after two deaths in my family. I have gained 22 pounds of the 50 lost but I keep paying every month, I keep tracking (most days) and remind myself that I did it once so I know I can do it again. Good luck to you and try to give yourself a break. It wasn't gained in a day. You are not alone!

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  16. I so wish you were at FitBloggin. There was a discussion around self acceptance. Your challenges are being felt by so many. I went being up in weight and wasn't alone. If this weight loss thing was easy we'd all do it. What I adore about you is you talk about the highs and lows and that is life.

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  17. Oh darling, that is just what I was going to say. I wish you had been able to come to the Self Acceptance discussion at Fitbloggin. Many tears were shed (mine included). It was beautiful, loving and freeing. Go to http://www.fitbloggin.com and look for the liveblog of it. It will embrace you. oxoxo

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  18. This does not make you a failure, it makes you honest. I know I appreciate you being open about this battle. I fight the same one. XOXO

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  19. I think you are amazing for continuing to fight ... to fight against depression and to fight for your healthy self. Good for you and I applaud you for being able to put it out there. Good Luck to you.

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  20. I've been losing the same 5-10 lbs for the last year. STILL haven't gotten to my 10% since I restarted in Nov '11. I hear ya. Lot's of hugs my dear Suzi. Lot's of hugs.

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  21. It's not failure. It's reassessment, reevaluate, renew and rejuvenate. If you ever want to talk, you know where to find me.

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  22. It would have only been a failure if you didn't go back to your meetings, didn't post this, or did not seek help. I totally understand why you feel that way though, because as you read the other day, I feel the same things, and it sucks a huge mountain of ass. You're getting back at it though, which is all sorts of awesome.

    I'm looking into therapy for myself. The idea of it is terrifying in many ways, but I know something needs to be done.

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  23. I'm sorry to read that you are struggling right now, but want to thank you for sharing your struggles.

    Give yourself permission to be human......life comes with ups and downs, great things, not so great things.......good luck to you while you work through this to find balance.

    ...and hugs...

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  24. I know you know this, but you are by no means the first person to regain some weight. I've been there on numerous occasions. I know that Sheryl can relate. Lots of people can. It doesn't remotely make you a failure. Life's a process, not an endpoint. We live, we learn! Sometimes we think we figured something out and then we find that we had more great stuff to figure out. That's a good thing, in my book.

    You're an amazing person with so much light inside you. (I can see it, even in this post!) I'm so glad you're getting help and taking care of YOU. That's your #1 job, as you ought to be #1 on your list of beloveds! Hugs and loving wishes to you, Suzi. <3

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  25. I love reading your blog... Your weight up or down is a inspiration to me!! Your real and that's what matters!! Take one minute one hour one day.... Just take care of you!!! Thank you ;)

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  26. I can totally relate to what you are going through. Last September I reached my goal of losing 101 pounds and since then have gained a significant amount back but I'm too depressed about it to get on the scale and actually see the damages number. I know I need to get back to losing but I can't seem to get out of my funk. I hope you find the answers you are looking for and know we will get through this, right? We did it before we can do it again, right? Rock on Suzi!

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  27. Suzy my heart just bleeds for you because I truly believe that those of us with weight issues can only control, but can't ever completely overcome the issue. Not that we can't find goal and stay there, but we can't get to goal and just "be" there without a lot of intention day after day after day. It's a challenge that requires that we be in a good place, and clearly you are not. I love what your leader said...you have to spend time just being with you as the new Suzy. You have to learn to love you exactly as you are on any given day.

    As you know I work with women who are working on their own weight issue and I can honestly say that I have never EVER met one who did not go through some serious emotional and mental crap. We are not fat merely because we overeat, but there seems to always be some underlying sense of "Who do you think you are that you can do this?" going on. I always tell my ladies (and even men, but men usually gain for different reasons) that you have to be your own best friend, your own cheerleader, your own voice of encouragement....you are the only person who is with you all day long, and your voice is the biggest influence on your life.

    It took me a year before I started my last weight loss program (Weight Watchers, obviously) to get to the point where I loved myself and found what I needed within myself to make this what I pray will be the final time. Every other time I heard the same voices you heard "Fat, ugly, disgraceful, disappointing, loser, hate you, hate life". It's not a pretty place to be, and it's not an honest place either because I was NONE of those things. You are NONE of those things.

    I pray that you will find, with the help of your therapist, the root of these voices that lie to you and learn to quiet them.

    I just wish I could gather every woman who goes through this in my arms and inoculate them from these feelings of self loathing. It is the root of so much personal ugliness that we put ourselves through. You ARE that girl in the Weight Watchers ad and that is a beautiful woman worthy of respect, effort, love, and hope REGARDLESS of the weight. You have to learn to truly believe it.

    **HUGS**

    Tory

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  28. PLEASE continue posting about your process. I am in this same situation and I have been for years. Everyday saying I'm going to do it and everyday failing at what I said I was going to do. It has been a lifelong struggle with weight and the negative self tlk. Thank you for being so honest and I look forward to reading about your journey.

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  29. Thank you for your blog!! You've inspired me!! Sometimes I get so caught up in the numbers game and let it define me!! I've struggled with some some family issues these past few months and have found myself slipping back into old habits!! And then comes the guilt and self loathing. I appreciate your openess as it reminds me of how we're all human and life does happen!!! I wish you self peace and please continue to blog!!!!

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  30. I'm not sure if you'll read this because I JUST read your post. Well, I get it. I got to my lowest weight in like 30 years last April at 210lbs (from 345) and I had been pushing myself by just eating 1200 to 1400 calories a day and exercising about 7 hours a week. But when I ran a 3K (my first) and hit that lowest weight , I immediately rebounded up. I'm up now about 55 lbs. I've scraped the bottom of the barrell this week. but I'm climbing up. I'm wondering if we got to that "goal" and it wasn't what we wanted it to be. Anyway, thanks for putting it out there.

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  31. It is comments to your post like this: "You know what to do...NOW GO DO IT!" that I don't agree with (no offense to posters).

    First, you are objectively not a failure. Your regain is not a personal problem or a failure of the power of "your will". While WW may have successfully helped you take off the weight, maybe its maintenance plan wasn't right for you (or maybe you need to start doing more tweaking and self-experimentation). I just think that if your body was calling for you to eat and if it was hanging on to every extra calorie, then it was fighting to stay alive.

    Physiological impulses (such as to eat certain foods) are most often overpowering and cannot be ignored, they are not "weaknesses of the will". If I were you, I would start evaluating nutritional deficiencies, cortisol reactions, and body set-point theory.

    Take a scientific approach. This isn't a personal problem of yours. Always question everything.

    I am not devaluing WW. But, just remember, WW is also a work in progress. They have made substantial changes to their points program over the years and continue to do so based on new scientific findings. It is not a holy grail of sorts.

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  32. I think that it is great that you are coming back and I don't see the problem if you are whining. It is something fair enough to complain about things that they aren't working well.

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  33. You are most certainly NOT a failure!! only a failure when you quit. Going to therapy proves you are not quitting! Hugs, love and prayers to you:)

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