It’s not easy…

I don’t know where to begin…

I’ve been 10 lbs or so lbs over my goal weight…I’m almost 30 lbs from my NYC shoot….

The #’s are nothing to me. It’s how I  feel.

And I feel like fucking shit!!

I remember when maintenance was such a light…such a joy!! I had made it!! This was my time to live…in my new body…my new soul…my new ME!!

ENJOY IT NOW!!  Because I am sorry but one thing I learned…a year in WW maintenance  is NOTHING!! I was on cloud 9 too, taking TONS of pictures, GLOATING about how GREAT I felt…it gets old…it gets common…this is the real situation…the stigma wears off…

I thought I had the system beat…people who lose weight and regain it.  I thought, given EVERYTHING amazing that has happened to me, that I beat the fall back…

You don’t know….you just don’t know…

I’m so lost.

I don’t regret or want to take back ANYTHING I have done for WW…everytime someone writes, tweets, FB, ANYTHING about seeing me in a WW ad, I get giddy and excited!! I could NOT be more proud!!

But people struggle….

more than a pound or two….

people struggle…

pressure…its hard. I feel I need to be perfect for you guys, even though I’ve never fucking been perfect.

I feel:
  • embarrassed
  • ashamed
  • scared
  • frustrated
  • scared
  • angry
  • pissed
  • violate
  • scorn
  • disappointed
  • depressed
  • upset
  • sad
  • numb
  • hopeful
  • rock bottom
  • not good enough
  • not worthy
  • not sexy
  • not beautiful
MOTHER FUCKING ANGRY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I don’t like this…I don’t like these feelings…and while I like angry…I like it at everyone but myself.  I can always help everyone else, but I can never seem to help myself. Maybe I need to step in…again…

**Edit: Thank you so much to every one for their kind words. You have no idea how much it means to me to have all of your support, and knowing that I'm not alone. I woke up wondering if I should take this post down, but I've never done that before and I don't intend to start now. Writing this was helpful for me. And while it's painful to read over, it's made me realize that I have to be more honest with myself and that I need to take care of *me*.  I didn't gain 101 lbs back...I didn't gain half of that back...I gained a little, and I've learned A LOT.  I know what I need to do to get back to my goal weight and most importantly, I know what I need to do to feel like my happy, beautiful self again. XOXO


  1. Just to clarify,I'm not saying that I learned NOTHING about maintenance through Weight Watchers...they they teach me EVERY DAY!! I just...I haven't been true to ME in maintenance.

  2. You can do this, Suzi. One day at a time, the same way you did it before. Gaining a little weight isn't the problem - giving up is. And you are no quitter. You inspire me every day and when I'm struggling with WW, I look at your blog and your journey for inspiration. Do whatever you gotta do to get back in the game. We are all here to listen, bitch, whine and celebrate with you every step of the way. Don't be so hard on yourself. Progress, not perfection.((HUGS))

  3. Maintenance is far from easy, but these struggles are why we are where we are. The key is stopping the cycle here. Xo

  4. Maintenance is far from easy, but these struggles are why we are where we are. The key is stopping the cycle here. Xo

  5. Maintenance is far from easy, but these struggles are why we are where we are. The key is stopping the cycle here. Xo

  6. If anyone can get through this, its you! We're all here for you, cheering you on, EVERY step of the way... not just the light, joyful steps!

    Go back to basics.

    You got this.

  7. If anyone can get through this, its you! We're all here for you, cheering you on, EVERY step of the way... not just the light, joyful steps!

    Go back to basics.

    You got this.

  8. Suzi,

    You need to focus on yourself right now. You need to be the best Suzi you can be for Suzi and not the public.

    Think about why you started the journey in the first place. You have come too far to go backwards.

    No one is perfect and you should not have to feel pressure to be for the public.

    On the bright side once you are in the right frame you will destroy those ten pounds :)

    Mind yourself!!

  9. You're speaking my truth right now. I've been on WW for so long now so why can't I get out of this cycle? The effect of it makes me feel my depression peaking out.
    But at the end of the day, I know we've got this--it's hard, it's exhausting, and it fucking sucks but in the end, we can do it even if it feels far away right now.
    Thank you for your blog, Suzi. I wish I could help you the way you've helped me. We got this.

  10. Maintenance is far from easy Suzi but you will get this. One step at a time. No need to rush.

    Focus on being yourself and not the one people expect you to be.

  11. I can't imagine the amount of pressure you feel having your face ALL over. I, for one, get excited when I see your poster at my WW meeting.

    You've come SO far and accomplished SO much. I've never heard anyone say that maintenance is easy. As a matter of fact, I know it scares the crap out of a lot of people.

    Definitely focus on YOU and your beautiful wedding you're planning and not who everyone wsnts you to be. This is YOUR journey.

  12. I SO GET THIS.
    in a different sense---but entirely.

  13. Hi Suzi! I am so sorry to hear you are going through this right now. I have lost 80lb only to gain back 170lbs. Then lose the 170lbs and now I battle to maintain every day. I know it is hard. The good news is you are strong and you are a fighter! You can reverse this now and not let it spiral out of control like I did. Take care!

  14. Big hugs Sweet Suzi. You'll get it back. We all struggle. But you've acknowledged that there is something going on...that's the first step. If you ever need to talk, you have my number.


  15. I can relate to this post x1000 except I NEVER REACHED MAINTENANCE. I keep wavering 5-10 lbs above my set goal never reaching it.

    You can do this! You are amazing with your progress and you know what to do.

  16. BTDT, bought the tee-shirt. Like Safire, I never reached maintenance, either, and then regained...then lost again by choosing to feel good about myself no matter what the scale said. But as you said, it's about how you feel...and I bet you feel that you're going to have to fight and struggle and that sucks, doesn't it. The good news is that this doesn't have to be a struggle...the key is to extend yourself a little grace and forgiveness. That doesn't mean that you give up and eat yourself silly...when we forgive ourselves, we want to do the right things for our bodies. Grace and forgiveness result in being more relaxed, which, in turn, allows us to focus. There are paradoxes, for sure.

    “We cannot change anything until we accept it. Condemnation does not liberate, it oppresses. ~ Carl Jung

  17. Oh Suzi the reason many of us are in WW because loosing weight is one part of our life but how to deal with everything else around us and loosing weight and keeping it off is a struggle we all have.

    I wish I can give you wonderful advice but I can't even get below my starting weight with WW and I rejoined back in November. We all struggle and that's why we are all here.

    Good luck Suzi, I know you can do it.

  18. I am all of *5 days* into maintenance and already slogging...up 1 2/3 lbs out of nowhere in less than a week. Bleh! I really admire how up front and transparent you are with your struggles, I think that WILL get you through to the other side.

  19. Suzi we admire you because you're a REAL person. Don't ever feel like you need to be perfect for us. Be perfect for you, do what you need to do to feel that way.

    We're still gonna love the shit outta you no matter what! :)

  20. I am 20 weeks into WW and have lost 14lbs. I am eating super well, exercising regularly, and some days I feel like I will NEVER get there and that I have SO far to go - maintenance is a dream that is far away. I have at least another 45 lbs to this rate that's another 65 weeks or a year and three months.

    I learned such an important lesson from Roni Noone - at times like this, you have to ask - even when you feel stuck, what are your other options? You can keep doing your best, or you can throw in the towel and feel like shit. Sometimes you need to focus and take comfort in eating well, moving, and loving yourself. What harm can come of that? There's no failure there to be had.

    You are a phenomenal inspiration to me, and to so many other people, but part of that inspiration comes from knowing that we are all in this together, sharing these struggles. No one judges you - we want you to continue to succeed, and we know you can do it. Of course you're not perfect, and frankly I don't think you'd be such a success if you were.

    VERY best wishes to you xx

  21. Thanks for posting this. Honestly, I've felt very much the same lately. I had lost almost 40 lbs. and it's slowly creeping back on. At first, I was okay when it was 5-8 lbs., but now it's 16 lbs. and I'm scared. So, thank you for being honest. This really struck a chord with me. We can both get back to where we want to be. Best of luck to you!

  22. oh suzigirl.. I almost know how you feel. I haven't gotten there yet.. but I've been at a plataeu (I can't spell it) for months. seriously. MONTHS.. I am still 15ish away from my goal weight.. and it seems like FOREVER away.. ugh..
    but I feel all those words you put up. every single one. you are not alone.
    I love weight watchers, but it is hard to go every week knowing that I am not losing like I want to. I also love weight watchers knowing that we have someone to talk us through it and help us out.
    keep rockin it girl.
    we'll get through it!

  23. While I'm sorry to hear you're feeling this way, I definitely needed to see this post today because I've been going through the EXACT same struggle and emotions in maintenance and have felt pretty shitty and alone until now. I've gained back about 25 pounds of my 90 pound loss. It's humbling and it sucks, but we've proven we're strong. Not perfect, but definitely strong. Strong enough to re-focus and keep our health a priority. It'll take some time and there will always be bumps along the way, but we're strong enough to bounce back, each and every time.

  24. I'm back at doing WW at work again. I have bounced up and down for the past year or so. Finally it came to the point of having to buy new clothes, which I refused to do. I'm glad that you are sharing your struggles. It shows that even though you lose the weight it is still a daily struggle to make the right choices. Thanks for the inspiration!

  25. did you ever think that eventually you were not made ​​to be as thin as you want to be and that your body sends a message to tells you this reality ? I understand that's unconfortable, but we couldn't fight our true nature all day of our life. I remember when you talk about your teen days when you were a " freaks " and tell us how it's great to be in a normality. I think you wrong, just my advice, but you're wrong... Let your true nature alive. Be you, not the one you dream for being normal, thin, integrated perhaps ? don't know but i see so many people loose their true nature, it's sad. WW is a help, not a life key . Let the pressure down. Think a little about this ;))

  26. I gotta say...I come to your blog to read about your honest look at life. I love what you have to say and the honesty in which you write. I have spiraled downhill for the last six weeks. I've eaten bag after bag after bag of jellybeans and chocolate eggs. I don't even like chocolate! I quit running. At one point I could run five miles without even blinking. Now I huff and puff at 60 seconds. I don't even know how much I have gained. However, I made a deal with myself to go to my meeting tomorrow night, weigh in, and make one good choice at a time. I don't plan to look at the number. The week after, I plan to weigh in and have them tell me simply up or down. I want to let go of numbers for a bit. I've been looking at the same up and down pounds for a year now. This is the worst I have felt in a long time, so something has to give. Be strong for yourself. Hang in there!

  27. I love that you wrote this! I love your honesty! It's good to know that other people feel like crap at times too! The main thing is that you're heading out the other end of the shit stream. Xo

  28. This post = me! I feel like you wrote this for me. I'm currently 25 lb over my goal, have been for 3 yrs and can't seem to get it back off no matter how many ww meetings I attend or how attentively I count my p+, track and exercise. It's embarrassing and frustrating and I know exactly how you feel! I won't be in pictures because I don't want there to be physical proof that I've gained so much weight back and I'm so incredibly miserable in my own skin. Thank you so much for your honestly- there are a lot of us that are feeling the same way!

  29. I'm not glad that you're suffering, but it helps me to know that you struggle just like me. You make it look so easy. Sometimes when I see others being more successful than myself it makes me feel like a big fat failure. I can't help but think I'm never going to get there. And that makes me say fuck it...fuck all of this weight loss bullshit. But I just keep reminding myself this struggle takes persistence, not perfection. Thanks for sharing.

  30. Keep your chin up girl! You have inspired so many of us, now it's time to start inspiring yourself. You can do this. hugs

  31. You have to do it for you, not us. Y.O.U.
    Because you are
    Free spirited

    And I for one am rootin for you!!! So pull out that tracker, make a plan and kick some booty!!!!

  32. This is why we love you. You're honest. You're real. We've got your back!

    By the way, I got my monthly pass in the mail yesterday and there you were! So cool!

  33. Thank you for writing this. I had gotten down to goal, and now have gained it all back. I feel really sad for myself. I tried going back to WW, and hated the leader, so I quit. I love your honesty!!

  34. Just want you to know that I think you are amazing. You are a complete inspiration to me. You are so completely driven, I know you will get it off in no time. Your banner is hanging in my WW facility and every saturday when I go weigh in, I think of you. I don't want to let you down. Even though I have gained the last two weeks a small amount, I have to look at the overall picture and know that I've kicked my butt into losing 68.8 pounds and that I know how to do it. I know what I did to gain, and I know how to take it off. I know how to fix the problems. Its frustrating, and hard work, but I know how to do it and know how to be strong.


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