Thursday, February 23, 2012

Failing

fail•ing n.


1. The act of a person or thing that fails; a failure.

2. A minor fault.

Some people say that failure is not an option. Other’s say that they don’t use the word “fail” in their life.

I would like to, and I believe on occasion I have, said the very same things. But truth is…I feel like a failure lately.

Everyone always says that one of the things that they love about this blog is my honesty. My willingness to admit when I have fucked up.  While it's something that I admire about myself too, it's not always so easy to be honest and open, not just with all of you but with myself as well.  In fact, I've been hiding a lot of stuff lately.  But enough is enough and maybe I need to do what has always worked, and just put it out there. Well ladies and gentleman, here’s some deep-cut honesty for you…

Truths:

-I have gained every single month since October
-I am currently 13 lbs above my goal weight (20 from where I was this time last year, but I was also 10 lbs under my goal weight so I try not to count that)
-My drinking has been WAY out of control. And when I say WAY I mean, WAY!!
-I haven’t exercised in about a month.
-None of my pants or skirts fit right, so I wear leggings pretty much every day.
-I feel like I weigh 252 lbs again on most days lately.
-I feel like everyone looks at me like I failed since I put on the weight (yes, I know it’s “only” 13 lbs, but again, it feels like 101). I feel like everyone see's a "chubby Suzi" now.
-I’ve been trying to get on track for 2 months now. I’m good for about 3 days, then it all goes to hell again.
-When I get home, I go straight into my pajamas. You know in my Weight Watcher commercial I say that “I don’t have to do any of it in sweat pants!” Yeah well…apparently I don’t want to anything but wear sweat pants as of late.
-Some weekends lately, I don’t even get dressed, unless it’s to go to the store to buy more beer.
-I’ve distanced myself as of lately from this blog not because I’ve been SO busy but because I feel like writing about anything positive or upbeat would be lying to you all.
-I’ve had about 2,689,964 epiphanies or moments of “aha!” since December, only to lose them in about 5 minutes.
-All my mental talk is negative. It is rare that I say or think something nice about myself lately.

I’m sure I could go on and on with this list. I could go into the reasons of why I maybe feel like this…the weather, stress, work, too much celebrating all the blessing’s I have had this year.

I could go into the things I plan to do to fix it. Take more time for myself doing something other than sitting on the couch, cutting back my drinking, exercising again, going back to the roots of the Weight Watchers program and using the tools they provide us with to reframe and storyboard a new path, Et cetera Et cetera.

I can tell you what I definitely could do….

I could definitely stop beating my self up. I could stop being so fucking hard on myself and just accept it. It is what it is and I can not go back and change the past. I can not. I can sit here and constantly beat myself up over and over and over again and keep making negative comments about myself…but where is that going to take me?? What is that going to achieve?? NOTHING. Nothing but more bad behaviors, nothing but more self hate, nothing but more sadness and stress around my life, nothing but more added pounds.

I need to accept that I can’t fix this over night and that the problems won’t fix themselves. I have the power to change my actions. I have to accept and acknowledge that I will slip from time to time but that is not a reason to go into a complete downward spiral for the rest of the week. I need to forgive myself.

I need to believe in myself again. Because I *AM* awesome. Because I do *NOT* want to feel like a failure. Because I will *NEVER* go back to being the person I was.

I have been on this journey for over 3 years….this is my first real, big fall since becoming a Lifetime member in December of 2010 (actually my first gain since then came in November of last year). I can probably bet that it won’t be my last. I know I will come out of this stronger and wiser than before.

I want to go back to being the fabulous version of myself…so therefore….I will!!

*Bloggers Edit: I meant to add that personally, I am *very* happy. I have A LOT of amazing things going on in my life right now...I just got engaged to the man I love more than anything, a lot of great & amazing feedback from the beautiful Weight Watcher commercials I am honored to be a part of, My leader training is just about complete, I have great friends that I am making more of an effort to connect with on a regular basis.  This year had started out with a bang and so many amazing things are happening that I never even dreamed would ever come true. All this negativity and hate I am feeling is towards the way I am treating myself, not my environment.*

39 comments:

  1. You're not alone in this, I am in the same boat right now too. Just restarted WW (never reached my goal weight last time. I was 5 lbs away) I have since moved away to go to college, started drinking, and gained about 20 or so pounds back. It sucks because I don't like myself as much when I feel fat. I am trying to stay positive and get this weight off for good this time, along with adjusting to my new life away from home. It is hard work but ultimately worth it. I know you can do this because you are a strong woman!

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  2. THANK YOU for this post, Suzi! I've caught myself in a tail-spin lately, but something stops me from getting back on track 100%. I hope now that you've written this out that you can get your mojo back. You're still an incredible inspiration, so don't think that has changed. Your honesty is refreshing and a reminder that we ALL need to go easy on ourselves and focus!

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  3. Thank you for your honesty! I'm in a bit of a slump too right now, so it's back to basics.

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  4. So, you're honest. So, you're human. I hope that writing this out is part of a process where you purge things - I find writing it makes it something I can deal with better. Hugs to you - we, out here in blog-reader-land, believe in you - and we've never stopped because you do write it like it is and because you are human. I've gone back to basics as of last Monday - today is day 4 of walking a tightrope - I'm back eating clean and I'm back at the gym. It's brutal with stress at work, but I'm doing it. Join me?

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  5. I doubt there is a single Weight Watchers veteran out there who has not experienced the exact same struggles, Suzi. I've joined and rejoined the program so many times and had so much success each time -- only to slip into the bad habits and negative self-talk that led me right back to where I started. But you know what? The first step for you and for me and for anyone on this journey is to admit we are not perfect. We are creatures of habit and for some of us, maintaining this permanent habit of eating right/exercising requires us to conquer a lifetime of self-doubt, poor decisions and deeply ingrained patterns. You are not alone and you are not a failure. You are Suzi muthaf*&king Storm and you can do this. Because it works and because you *believe* it works. Big hugs.

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  6. One of the phrases that I hear the most when I am doing drills at derby practice is "you got this". And you do, you know. You didn't walk a straight path to get where you are now and there are always going to be forks in the road to face going forward. You know what you need to do. One day at a time, one step at a time, no shame.

    Best analogy I have heard relating to weight loss, but it can be used in any discouraging situation: when you are driving and get a flat tire, you don't get out of your car and slash the other three tires. You change the tire (or call AAA) and go on about your business. Focus on how far you've come and all the wonderful things that have happened to you on this journey! That is what is important. (And you know all of this, of course, but sometimes it helps to hear it said.)

    You are STILL the fabulous version of yourself, that hasn't changed. I believe in you. YOU GOT THIS.

    Thinking of you and sending love from L.A.

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  7. I so hear you Suzi. I've been doing the same as you for over 6 months now and have gained 10kg (22 lbs). Every day I start, and every day I fail. But...... I'm an eternal optimist, I know one day I'll get it right and it will all fall into place. For me, exercise is the key. If I'm moving my body I'm more mindful of what goes in my mouth. Hope you find your key soon.

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  8. Forgiving yourself is the first step! I know I often turn to food because it doesn't judge me when I'm judging myself - the same with booze. Being kind to yourself is the number one thing to do, and you are doing it!

    Also, I find that signing up for a race, even a short one like a 5k, is always a good way to start the ball rolling in the right direction. You didn't gain 13 lbs in a week, and you won't lose it in a week. Small changes, bright attitude, you know the deal (for heaven's sake - you are a WW spokesperson!). YOU CAN DO IT!

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  9. Is it possible that the overeating and overdrinking are symptoms of something going wrong that's not being addressed? Certainly the symptoms can be addressed, but maybe you can exorcize the demons better if you dig around to find out what's causing you to do them in the first place...what is the eating and drinking covering up for you?

    I think a lot of people carry extra weight (me included) because they have sought to cover up past hurts. As the weight comes off, those hurts are revealed and we no longer have food as a crutch. Maybe some of that is surfacing now, and you're seeking comfort in the old ways.

    I don't know you and I'm not an expert, just a few thoughts :) I wish you all the best!

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  10. I'm resorting to leggings lately, too. I feel your pain.

    I've always felt that learning to eat properly and excercise was the easy part of the journey. The hard part is the fight with what's inside your brain once you know all the things that you're supposed to do to be successful.

    Chin up, my beer-loving friend! You know you have all the tools and knowledge and support you need to get to where you want to be - you just need to get your head back in the game. It'll happen. :)

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  11. Every day is a struggle - every.single.freakin.day. Weight loss sucks and anyone who doesn't think so is fooling themselves. Honestly Suzi,reading this post made me think "she just sounds tired". Not even so much in a physical sense. Losing weight is just one more huge thing on top of all the other things in life we have to deal with. Something has to take a backseat at some point, not everything can be a priority. I don't know you or your life so I won't offer any advice. Nobody really needs to tell you what to do anyway. I'm just sorry that you're in this place right now and I wish you all the best!

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  12. Suzi. I saw you in the V-day dress. You looked hot, you are beautiful. Ups and downs are part of the journey, recognizing and admitting (to the internet no less) that you're on a down is hard! You can totally do it and pull yourself out. If you can run a marathon honey, you can do this!! :) No one thinks you've failed, no one thinks you're chubby. We judge ourselves way more than others judge us. You got this!! :)

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  13. Failure is in *staying down*. You know what to do.

    And we'll all be right here, cheering for you. :-)

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  14. Remember: Failing isn't falling down; it's staying down. You are not failing. You are falling. And as long as you keep working on it, keeping blogging, keeping going to meetings, keep asking for help when you need it...you are succeeding! This is a lifelong struggle, and I think maybe Weight Watchers should address this and provide more specific support for those who are struggling to maintain. I am 7 pounds from my goal weight, and I think maintenance scares me more than the challenge of losing. Just a thought (I don't know you and I could be totally off-base), but I wonder if you somehow don't feel you are worthy of all the amazing things that are going on in your life? You do deserve it! Everything and more! Thanks for your honesty!

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  15. I thought about saying something profound here.

    About how we travel this journey with good days and bad days.

    Days. Weeks. Months.

    Then I thought fuck it. Suzi doesn't want to hear that. Suzi wants to hear the following: stand the fuck up and get to business.

    It's what we do. It's what people expect us to do.

    Do it.

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  16. When you've worked as hard as you have and you're then put in the spotlight as a superstar of weight loss, it seems almost inevitable that this happens. It happened to me and it sucked. There is no such thing as "after." The good news is that you're aware...hang on to yourSELF!

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  17. ack. Sweet Suzi! I think everyone goes through this especially with you lead a full life.

    I want you to be happy with yourself physically and emotionally as well. I think that's the hardest thing. It's that saying "would you be friends with someone who talked the way you do to yourself?" I know my inner demons get the best of me on most days.

    And ack once you go dress shopping I can guarantee you'll be itching to make working out a priority again!

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  18. Your honesty is refreshing! I know a gain can really make you feel terrible but it sounds like you are ready to make weight-loss a priority again. I've gained since my lowest too and everyone says they can't tell but... *I* can.

    Congratulations on your engagement!

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  19. Nice post. I too feel just crappy about how I'm handling food this month. Running is supposed to be a joy and I am turning it into a punishment for poor eating choices. But I need to not beat myself up about it either and focus on the good in life. It's been a really tough day. But all of us can pull through anything.

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  20. Hey I stumbled on your blog when I read your entry about the anniversary lifetime key you earned, and I was so impressed that I decided to check out your current page. Go back and read that entry yourself. I lost 70 lbs with WW and got LT in 09, got my second key in 10, gained 20 lbs back in 11 (no key), and just lost it again since October. If can be done. You know what to do.

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  21. Oh i hear ya. Is it the winter blahs? I've got the blahs. I lose 10, gain 9. I also last about three days and then act like I was stranded on a desert island. I've done it before, i know I can do it, yet I hit the wall.

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  22. You listed your 'problems', but then made a very clear statement about your willingness and desire to change them into success and positives. You have proven that you can do whatever you set your mind to. You got the goods you need, put that awesomeness to work. :)

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  23. You are not alone. I'm having the same problem right now.

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  24. Holy Shit - you just described me. LT in 2010, did great for the first year. Jumped on my January weigh-in now I am praying to hit my 'number' on the last possible day in February. WTF. Everyday is a struggle. I mentally rehearse and it all goes to shit.
    Here's to a good night and a better tomorrow.

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  25. Drinking an IPA as I read this....ugh, I understand!!

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  26. I agree with the person who said, re-read some of your amazing blog posts! You have inspired me so many times throughout my journey. I recently re-read some of mine and it has really helped me to see how far I have came. You have it inside you every day to believe in yourself and do this thing. I am very close to goal and I strongly believe that this is when the "real" work starts. Maintenance is hard (from what I hear). But that being said.... Losing weight is hard, maintaining weight is hard, being overweight is hard.....CHOOSE YOUR HARD!

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  27. I am in almost the same boat!! WTF?? three days is about my "being good" limit.... ahhh crap!!!
    ok ok ok we , you... me ... we need to pull our heads together and do this thing here!!!!!

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  28. Bless you, Suzi, and THANK YOU for being honest-- you are definitely not alone. The fact that you are willing to admit these sorts of things is what makes you so inspirational to me. The negative self-talk will never stop, but our spirits will become stronger and louder and we shall overcome all of these such moments.

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  29. I really love this post, thank you for posting. A lot of weight loss blogs are all about farting rainbows and pooping sunshine. Well in reality weight loss and then the maintence of it are hard. Wicked hard. I am glad that you are airing this out..good for you. Good that you are able to realize that you need to change your course, better than me who realized after I gained back way more than 13 pounds. Hang in there and don't feel that we all need rainbows and sunshine, sometimes stormy stuff is ok too

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  30. Suzi...you have been such an inspiration to me and many others. I look at your poster hanging in our WW meeting room and I feel like I know you...you are a familiar face and familiar "voice". You have shared your successes and your struggles and that what makes you so inspirational. I started WW last FEB...tomorrow is my 1 year anniversary. My 1 year goal was to be down 100 pounds. Up until Christmas I was well on my way...83 pounds down. Then the holidays came and I thought I needed a bit of a WW break. I kept going to meetings but didn't feel the same about them. I was there, but not really. Over the past few months a lot has happened...a dog bite, a minor car accident, and my dad had a mini stroke. Basically I fell back to the bottom of my to do list. I have not given up on WW or myself and everyday do the best I can with whatever situation I face that day. Some days are good and some days are not. I am 7 heavier than my lowest in December but most of the time I feel like it all 77 that I have lost. We've just got to find a way to dust ourselves off, get up, and find our fabulous WW selves once again. I know it is not easy and I am sure it won't be fast, but all of us WW in blog-land will reach our goals in time.

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  31. Suzi - You are still are a badass in my eyes! So you went up a little on your weight - okay. You're not a robot - you are REAL and real people have good and bad periods. Don't let those negative thoughts get the best of you girl! Keep reminding yourself that you are awesome! You still are a rock star!

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  32. Suzi, I am so right where u are right now. I am telling myself that it is just a phase and I have pushed thru so much stuff in the past that again this will pass. Be true to yourself. Understand that not everyday is the end, only a platform to move forward. I continue to tell myself to just get thru today and tomorrow will be so much better. You have came so far, and learned so much that I know you and me will move forward. We will get back to exercise, counting our points and kicking ass!! Positive thoughts to you!!

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  33. Hi Suzi. If I could give you a hug right now, or toast you with a beer I would. Your honesty is wonderful and inspirational. I can't hug you, I'm not really into beer today, so I just want to wish you well, support you electronically as you move forward, and assure you that you are not alone in this never ending journey to health. Take care.

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  34. You've done amazing and a small gain is normal. However, you want to get a handle on it. I've been a WW life time member for about 8 years now and whenever I reach that goal weight I try to reign it in. Sign up for a race. Perhaps that will give you some motivation to get out and run/train. Congrats on the engagement though and all the other good going on. You deserve it.

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  35. Suzi, Suzi, Suzi! Congratulations for taking the first step back to your goal, admitting you have slipped. Now with recognition you need to take the second step and add back another tool and so forth. Don't wait until you are 20 pounds over do it now and just do it! I waited until I was 25 pounds over and went back a year ago November and I'm still trying to loose that last 5 pounds. I know now that when I get to feeling the way you do I congratulate myself for finally figuring ou,t that I'm as one poster noted "falling", and I pick myself up, brush myself off and pick a tool to concentrate on for a week. You can do it! You are AMAZING you are Suzi Storm! Like you also noted you DO have lots going for your right now, being engaged to a wonderful man of your dreams, becoming a WW leader that's just awesome! You are full of awesomeness and you will overcome it! Three good days out of seven are better than seven plain bad days. Now make it four and then five! You CAN DO IT and I know you will! Good luck and please keep us posted no matter how good or bad it is we are here for you!

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  36. Hugs to you, Suzi. Hope you are doing all right. You are not alone, we all go thru these phases. Good luck sweety!

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  37. You can do it, you strong gorgeous amazing woman! http://www.suzistorm.com/p/my-ucan-moment.html

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  38. ok at the risk of you wanting to kick my ass Suzi, I'm just going to say it...

    move on. seriously. stop beating yourself up and move on. you and I and everyone else here know that this is for life so that means you are going to have good times and not so good times. But don't prolong the agony. Seriously you are way better than this. But don't do it because you inspire others or because other people "expect" you to - do it for YOU Suzi. Wasn't that why you started in the first place?

    You got this. xxx

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  39. Hi Suzi

    I'm a new follower and just reading over a few of your posts. I like that you are honest about this and not skimming over the issue. I agree with what you say - stop beating yourself up and get on with it. (I need to do a similar thing having stalled in my weight loss efforts).

    Deb

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