1. The act of a person or thing that fails; a failure.
2. A minor fault.
Some people say that failure is not an option. Other’s say that they don’t use the word “fail” in their life.
I would like to, and I believe on occasion I have, said the very same things. But truth is…I feel like a failure lately.
Everyone always says that one of the things that they love about this blog is my honesty. My willingness to admit when I have fucked up. While it's something that I admire about myself too, it's not always so easy to be honest and open, not just with all of you but with myself as well. In fact, I've been hiding a lot of stuff lately. But enough is enough and maybe I need to do what has always worked, and just put it out there. Well ladies and gentleman, here’s some deep-cut honesty for you…
-I have gained every single month since October
-I am currently 13 lbs above my goal weight (20 from where I was this time last year, but I was also 10 lbs under my goal weight so I try not to count that)
-My drinking has been WAY out of control. And when I say WAY I mean, WAY!!
-I haven’t exercised in about a month.
-None of my pants or skirts fit right, so I wear leggings pretty much every day.
-I feel like I weigh 252 lbs again on most days lately.
-I feel like everyone looks at me like I failed since I put on the weight (yes, I know it’s “only” 13 lbs, but again, it feels like 101). I feel like everyone see's a "chubby Suzi" now.
-I’ve been trying to get on track for 2 months now. I’m good for about 3 days, then it all goes to hell again.
-When I get home, I go straight into my pajamas. You know in my Weight Watcher commercial I say that “I don’t have to do any of it in sweat pants!” Yeah well…apparently I don’t want to anything but wear sweat pants as of late.
-Some weekends lately, I don’t even get dressed, unless it’s to go to the store to buy more beer.
-I’ve distanced myself as of lately from this blog not because I’ve been SO busy but because I feel like writing about anything positive or upbeat would be lying to you all.
-I’ve had about 2,689,964 epiphanies or moments of “aha!” since December, only to lose them in about 5 minutes.
-All my mental talk is negative. It is rare that I say or think something nice about myself lately.
I’m sure I could go on and on with this list. I could go into the reasons of why I maybe feel like this…the weather, stress, work, too much celebrating all the blessing’s I have had this year.
I could go into the things I plan to do to fix it. Take more time for myself doing something other than sitting on the couch, cutting back my drinking, exercising again, going back to the roots of the Weight Watchers program and using the tools they provide us with to reframe and storyboard a new path, Et cetera Et cetera.
I can tell you what I definitely could do….
I could definitely stop beating my self up. I could stop being so fucking hard on myself and just accept it. It is what it is and I can not go back and change the past. I can not. I can sit here and constantly beat myself up over and over and over again and keep making negative comments about myself…but where is that going to take me?? What is that going to achieve?? NOTHING. Nothing but more bad behaviors, nothing but more self hate, nothing but more sadness and stress around my life, nothing but more added pounds.
I need to accept that I can’t fix this over night and that the problems won’t fix themselves. I have the power to change my actions. I have to accept and acknowledge that I will slip from time to time but that is not a reason to go into a complete downward spiral for the rest of the week. I need to forgive myself.
I need to believe in myself again. Because I *AM* awesome. Because I do *NOT* want to feel like a failure. Because I will *NEVER* go back to being the person I was.
I have been on this journey for over 3 years….this is my first real, big fall since becoming a Lifetime member in December of 2010 (actually my first gain since then came in November of last year). I can probably bet that it won’t be my last. I know I will come out of this stronger and wiser than before.
I want to go back to being the fabulous version of myself…so therefore….I will!!
*Bloggers Edit: I meant to add that personally, I am *very* happy. I have A LOT of amazing things going on in my life right now...I just got engaged to the man I love more than anything, a lot of great & amazing feedback from the beautiful Weight Watcher commercials I am honored to be a part of, My leader training is just about complete, I have great friends that I am making more of an effort to connect with on a regular basis. This year had started out with a bang and so many amazing things are happening that I never even dreamed would ever come true. All this negativity and hate I am feeling is towards the way I am treating myself, not my environment.*