I often think about the person I am now…
And the person I was then…
Or lets go way back and say even here…
I was about 14-15 years old there. I wish I had another picture to share, but you see, the Princess of Dark (that’s me, not the cat) didn’t allow her photograph to be taken much. Living life on the dark side was oh so rough. Woe was me.
I was a miserable Cee You Next Tuesday as an adolescent. Depression was my mood of choice, no matter how hard I tried to dig myself out of it. My first (of many) suicide attempt happened in the 6th grade. Not a day goes by where I am not thankful that I was never successful in my foolish & stupid attempts. Life is too awesome my friends.
But I spent my entire pre-teen/teen life being miserable and depressed. My hair was different colors & my wardrobe consisted of black, off black and shiny black. My music of choice was anything dark and heavy and my bedroom would have put The Adams family’s entire house to shame. Some call of it “goth”, some call it being a “freak”, some call it being “insane”….I called it being me.
As I got older I found ways out of my depression. Through medical help at first and then deep, dark self inflicting ass kicking. Even with low serotonin chemicals in my brain, I was able to dig myself out of the gutter without needing medications any more. That goes down as one of my biggest accomplishments in life.
So I got happier, but the cloths & music stayed the same. I didn’t just dress in black and listen to Type O Negative because I was depressed. These days I’m a ball of sunshine 98% of the time (don’t ask Frankie to confirm this please) but I still love me some Megadeth.
Yeah, yeah, yeah…So what's the point here??
People change….people grow….people move forward. Sometimes on weight loss journeys (big or small) you tend to feel a little lost at times. You start to wonder if you are the same person you once were. That answer is yes and no.
If you had asked me when I was 13 if I would ever run a marathon, I would have spit on you.
If you had asked me when I was 14 if I wanted to borrow your pink shawl, I would have slapped you across the face.
If you had asked me when I was 15 if we could take a picture together, I would have taken that camera out of your hand, threw it down on the ground & stomped on it until it was in pieces.
But TODAY….I love taking pictures of myself!! I run races!! I wear pink!! I LOVE BEING ME!! I love telling people my story and trying to inspire others…I actually live for that. I love being loud & outspoken. I love waking up and living life. I love smiling!! I love being so upbeat and positive sometimes that it pisses people off. ;)
I lost 101 pounds…I didn’t lose myself. I lost the desire to be sad all of the time. I lost the yearning to be somebody other than myself. I lost the fear of showing the world who I really am and gained the confidence.
I’m a big ball of awesome now who happens to have a love for tattoos and black hair dye as well a love for upbeat pop music and laying in the sun. When I’m in the sea of runners waiting to cross the start line at the race, that’s when I feel the most badass…because I look around me and there are very few other runners who have similar physical traits, and it kind of reminds me of how I’ve become a pretty interesting and amazing person.
Don’t ever let others try to convince you that you are not *you* anymore. You are evolving into something more powerful and that is something that they can not handle. Some people never change. Some people stay stuck in one place and refuse to grow and evolve…that sucks for them. But hopefully you want better for yourself.
Keep working on being your very own special version of badass!!
**Note: If you are suffering from severe depression and/or experiencing suicidal thoughts, I beg of you to seek professional help. Some of the hero’s in my life are the professionals who helped me as a young adult. Don’t ever feel too proud or too scared to ask for help. We all need a little help now and then. Admitting it and getting help for it is one of the most badass things you can do!!