Saturday, October 15, 2011

Where you came from…

I often think about the person I am now…

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And the person I was then…

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Or lets go way back and say even here…

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I was about 14-15 years old there.  I wish I had another picture to share, but you see, the Princess of Dark (that’s me, not the cat) didn’t allow her photograph to be taken much.  Living life on the dark side was oh so rough. Woe was me.

I was a miserable Cee You Next Tuesday as an adolescent.  Depression was my mood of choice, no matter how hard I tried to dig myself out of it.  My first (of many) suicide attempt happened in the 6th grade.  Not a day goes by where I am not thankful that I was never successful in my foolish & stupid attempts.  Life is too awesome my friends.     

But I spent my entire pre-teen/teen life being miserable and depressed.  My hair was different colors & my wardrobe consisted of black, off black and shiny black.  My music of choice was anything dark and heavy and my bedroom would have put The Adams family’s entire house to shame.  Some call of it “goth”, some call it being a “freak”, some call it being “insane”….I called it being me.

As I got older I found ways out of my depression.  Through medical help at first and then deep, dark self inflicting ass kicking.  Even with low serotonin chemicals in my brain, I was able to dig myself out of the gutter without needing medications any more.  That goes down as one of my biggest accomplishments in life. 

So I got happier, but the cloths & music stayed the same.  I didn’t just dress in black and listen to Type O Negative because I was depressed.  These days I’m a ball of sunshine 98% of the time (don’t ask Frankie to confirm this please) but I still love me some Megadeth. 

Yeah, yeah, yeah…So what's the point here??

People change….people grow….people move forward.  Sometimes on weight loss journeys (big or small) you tend to feel a little lost at times.  You start to wonder if you are the same person you once were.  That answer is yes and no.

If you had asked me when I was 13 if I would ever run a marathon, I would have spit on you. 

If you had asked me when I was 14 if I wanted to borrow your pink shawl, I would have slapped you across the face.

If you had asked me when I was 15 if we could take a picture together, I would have taken that camera out of your hand, threw it down on the ground & stomped on it until it was in pieces.

But TODAY….I love taking pictures of myself!! I run races!! I wear pink!! I LOVE BEING ME!!  I love telling people my story and trying to inspire others…I actually live for that.  I love being loud & outspoken.  I love waking up and living life. I love smiling!!  I love being so upbeat and positive sometimes that it pisses people off.  ;)

I lost 101 pounds…I didn’t lose myself.  I lost the desire to be sad all of the time.  I lost the yearning to be somebody other than myself.  I lost the fear of showing the world who I really am and gained the confidence. 

I’m a big ball of awesome now who happens to have a love for tattoos and black hair dye as well a love for upbeat pop music and laying in the sun.  When I’m in the sea of runners waiting to cross the start line at the race, that’s when I feel the most badass…because I look around me and there are very few other runners who have similar physical traits, and it kind of reminds me of how I’ve become a pretty interesting and amazing person.

Don’t ever let others try to convince you that you are not *you* anymore.  You are evolving into something more powerful and that is something that they can not handle.  Some people never change.  Some people stay stuck in one place and refuse to grow and evolve…that sucks for them.  But hopefully you want better for yourself. 

Keep working on being your very own special version of badass!!

**Note: If you are suffering from severe depression and/or experiencing suicidal thoughts, I beg of you to seek professional help.  Some of the hero’s in my life are the professionals who helped me as a young adult.  Don’t ever feel too proud or too scared to ask for help.  We all need a little help now and then.  Admitting it and getting help for it is one of the most badass things you can do!!

25 comments:

  1. Wow, I am in tears. Thanks for sharing Suzi. You have evolved into a beautiful person and although I don't know you it sounds like inside and out. I look at people now that are overweight and unhappy and I just think, do it, start today...live your best life. I realize they have to do if for themselves but oh if they only knew how good life can be. You are awesome :-)

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  2. Thanks so much for this post! It's a fantastic reminder that I can change too and things will get better. (i start with my professional help on Tuesday, gulp).

    You look so hot, that blue sweater is amazing!

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  3. Thanks for sharing! Needed this today.

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  4. This is a really wonderful and thoughtful post. Thank you for sharing!

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  5. Such a great post. Love the positive energy. Keep sharing it!!

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  6. I already knew you were amazing. But, now I see how truly amazing you are. You've come a long way, babe. ;) I'm thankful for the you you have become. Not an easy road there, I am sure. But, SO worth the struggle. I may have taken a different road, but am ending up in the same place. Self love. It's not as lonely here as I thought it would be. :D

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  7. I read your blog since a long time and i think it's the first time i write a comment. Your post makes me wonder if you are really you because you are integrated with other, the mass or because it is deeply you? I do not think weight loss transforms who we are deeply , I lost 80 lbs, I redo sports and things I have not done before. But I stayed true to myself against all odds. I tried to be less freaky as you say but I lie to myself. I was me when I was 13 years and still now. With my strange tastes , my weird clothing , my tattoos, etc. ..
    So I ask myself the same question when I read this stuff: Were you yourself young, rebellious, freaky or now proudly integrate with others? I know you will give me the second answer;)) But I think many of us live in the illusion thatt things that make you marginal have been resolved just beacause society doesn't always give chance to different people and don't have the strength to endure? the truth is it's easier to lose weight and exercise than really live the life you dream without the worry about what others think. This is the right challenge of life. I am proud to be freaky ( but i understand that very soon in my life due to my heavy cardiopathy) and having lost weight or exercise has only reinforced that feeling. Hope i'm a little clear ah ah , my english is sometimes strange .

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  8. Thank you so much for posting this. I don't have words to express how helpful this is right now that I'm thinking of all of these things as well (also, I'm a bit drunk...) through my weight loss journey--especially in regards to if you're the same person or not going through it.

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  9. Marie- I understand what you are saying very much. Maybe I wasn't so clear myself...I AM still the same person I was when I was 13, just without all the hate & lack of confidence. I loved pink when I was 13 but was too miserable to express myself in such a joyful color. My house is still decorated with a Victorian tone in deep, rich colors...just much more mature looking than my bedroom looked as a teenager of course, lol.

    My tattoos even came later on in life (most of them anyways...my 1st one was when I was 15). But again, the point being is that through the journey I took while on the path to losing the weight I learned to allow myself to be confident in loving all types of styles, cultures and emotions.

    My tattoos do not make up the person I am, neither does my jet black hair, or my race medals, or my weight loss, or my secret love for Maroon 5....these all make up the awesome person I am today & continue to be. Never try being less freaky if freaky is you girl!! That was the point of this post :)

    And thanks for being such a longtime loyal follower girl!! xoxo

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  10. I am so glad you are a big ball of awesome and enjoying the pinker things in life. ;)

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  11. This post is proof you are a big ball of awesome. Love this post!

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  12. This is really inspriational. I lost some weight recently ( no where near as much as you ) and I really struggled at first with my new image and the new me, it took me a while to realise that whilst I might look different I'm still exactly the same person on the inside.

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  13. I love this line: "Some people never change. Some people stay stuck in one place and refuse to grow and evolve…that sucks for them."

    So, so true and something I've thought about people I know. I'm just glad I've decided to become even more awesome, just like you did!

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  14. keep the blinders on Suzi....so much ahead in life to look forward to. Glad you chose running as a lifestyle choice as well.

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  15. Excellent perspective. I think it's important to never forget who you were or where you come from. It always makes the present and future so much brighter.

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  16. OMFG you were a goth girl??? Wait a min, why I'm not really surprised?
    Anyways... I was not goth. I was (am?) just good old plain weird in High School. I get the "outsider" point of view. I just got beated a lot more than you did ;)

    And I'm thankfull those suicide attemppts didn't make the job done. I like knowing you from your blog. I like knowing I'm not the only former fat-person who is now slim-person and still drinking beer by the freakin' buckets.
    And I lov your tattoos. I effin' love those.

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  17. What a beautiful piece, what I have come to realise since starting my own weight loss journey is that the process and ups and downs of the journey are just as important as the end goal itself!

    Thank you for sharing your story :)

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  18. You are one kick-ass ball of awesomeness. Thanks for being so real!

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  19. im just glad that if i ever meet you, you wont throw my camera on the ground and break it :)
    in all seriousness, a great post.

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  20. Suzi, you're a legend. What a fab post.
    You SHOULD be proud of who you are!

    Christina x

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  21. You had me at Type O and Megadeth ;) xx lesley

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  22. This is TrULY inpsiring! Thank you for sharing! You have come a long way and we need to hear that. I have been struggling with anxiety and depression for years and I loved hearing your story! Keep it up and keep positive! You look great!

    xoxo

    http://bresbaubles.blogspot.com
    @BresBaubles on Twitter

    Followed your blog BTW

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