This is probably going to be the stupidest thing I will do in my life.
And no…I don’t mean the part where I actually signed up for the marathon. I mean the part where I didn’t train for it. The part where I resented it and began to resent running. The part where every single run or workout I did I felt was not good enough to “marathon standards”.
See…that’s just the thing…I hate feeling like I *HAVE* to do something. Nobody made me lose weight. I did it because I wanted to. Nobody made me run a half marathon. I did it because I wanted to.
Nobody is making me run a full marathon…but for some reason, I felt like *something* was making me run against my will.
This Summer (I would even say Spring) running no longer became fun for me. It was no longer a release from the everyday stresses, or time for just myself.
It became “omg, I have a marathon to run…I HAVE to get a run in”….”oh fuck, I only ran 3 miles today…that’s NOT enough for the marathon!!”….”what?? I’m supposed to run 16 miles today?! But I DON’T want to…I just want to run a easy 6!”
Some people say…well Suzi, that’s what marathon training is all about. Well, I guess I am not made for marathon training then. I’m not a distance runner. I do not get paid to make myself get out of bed or off the couch to go run. I run because I want to. I run because I choose too. I don’t want to feel guilty because I choose go ride my bike for 16 miles instead of go run for 16 miles. I don’t want to feel guilty because I went to spin class instead of pounding out 10 miles.
I was my happiest when all I looked forward to was running a quick little 5K after work, before settling in in front of the TV with my beers.
I could (and according to some of you, should) not do this marathon in pretty much 2 weeks. I have yet to run over 13.1 miles (more like 13.2 due to poor calculations by some races) and most of my races lately have been trying on my poor ailing hip and my depleted faith in the sport.
But I am going to do. I may die doing it. I may never run again after doing it. (Though please note…I really hope that neither of those things happen) But I am going to do it.
I will probably have to walk a lot of it. There will probably be a lot of tears. Maybe even some blood. This might even be my first race where I finish last….fuck, I might not even make it across the finish line before they close the damn course.
But I am going to do it.
Because this is what I signed up for. And because whether I do it the right way, or the wrong way, I just want to do it. I want to get it done with. I want to get back to being at my happiest…running for myself and only myself. Being a weekday/weekend warrior!! Running because I want to feel the release, and burn off all the beers.
And well, you know I have Frankie meeting me at certain points throughout the course with plenty of PBJ’s, Generation UCAN, and of course…BEER!!