Today, I had a choice…
My legs were feeling better after this weekend Turning Stone Races 1/2 marathon (well due blog recap coming up on that race)…and according to my super late marathon training, I should be running miles and miles today.
But I didn’t.
Instead I chose beer(s), and a pain killer.
Oh please, don’t give me a lecture and don’t call the Betty Ford clinic.
The thing is. Life is hell for me right now (you can say this is a pity party, but we are really going through some tough shit right now). I can’t (and wont) go on as to why here out in the blog, but I’m about two steps (ok, more like 1/2 a step) away from totally, completely losing my shit. Everyday I have panic attacks and pains in my stomach that feel like an ulcer going. I shake so badly from my nerves that I didn’t even feel that earthquake the other day when everyone else in my office had. And I’m dry heaving at work in the bathroom.
Is it another excuse?? Maybe.
One thing I did learn from the race this weekend….I do not love running like I used to.
That is yet another reason why I feel like completely losing my shit.
I haven't been blogging as much lately…is everything that’s going on in my life another excuse for that?? Probably.
But just like you, I am human. And just like you, I handle things in my own fucked up way that is not always right, and not always what is in my best interest. Truth is, I know better, yet I chose to take the opposite path. I can sit here and keep kicking myself or I can say that tomorrow I will just try to deal with it better.
I am not, nor have I ever been, that person who can always see the light in things, or focus on the positive. I wish I was. I’ve tried to train myself to be that way, and in many ways I am *much* better than I was. But still…I am always waiting for that dark cloud to cover up my sunshine and I will still throw myself my own fabulous pity party.
In the words of Tori Amos… “I’m OK when everything is not OK.”
So in a nutshell…my life feels like shit right now and I refuse to pretend its otherwise. I refuse to sit here and write a happy go lucky blog post meant to inspire hundreds…because I’m not inspiring right now.
Truth is though…I MISS being all full of sunshine and happy. We all do on bad days don’t we?? No one WANTS to be negative and miserable, but sometimes that’s just the way it is!! And sometimes, no matter how hard we try to force it to be otherwise, we just have to go through the emotions and ride the wave.
I asked people on Twitter what they thought when they saw this picture…this was taken by Frankie while I was at the starting line of the race this past Sunday. A lot of people said focus, determination, going to kick ass, fierce…..
What do I see….
Some of that, mixed with a lot of sadness and loss and confusion.
This picture means a lot to me right now because it really sums up a lot of what I am feeling as of late…
I’m not asking for your sympathy or your prayers. I’m not asking for a single fucking thing. I guess I just felt bad mostly for not posting, especially for not posting about the positive things that ARE going on in my life (a new kitty, the WM3 are free, my race). But if you’ve been following me from the start, you know I don’t try to sugar coat things. This is just how it is right now, but I sure the hell hope to have a much more positive post very, very soon. xoxo