Wednesday, August 24, 2011

The day I chose the darkside…

Today, I had a choice…

My legs were feeling better after this weekend Turning Stone Races 1/2 marathon (well due blog recap coming up on that race)…and according to my super late marathon training, I should be running miles and miles today. 

But I didn’t.

Instead I chose beer(s), and a pain killer. 

Oh please, don’t give me a lecture and don’t call the Betty Ford clinic.

The thing is. Life is hell for me right now (you can say this is a pity party, but we are really going through some tough shit right now).  I can’t (and wont) go on as to why here out in the blog, but I’m about two steps (ok, more like 1/2 a step) away from totally, completely losing my shit.  Everyday I have panic attacks and pains in my stomach that feel like an ulcer going.  I shake so badly from my nerves that I didn’t even feel that earthquake the other day when everyone else in my office had.  And I’m dry heaving at work in the bathroom.

It happens.

Is it another excuse??  Maybe. 

One thing I did learn from the race this weekend….I do not love running like I used to.

That is yet another reason why I feel like completely losing my shit.

I haven't been blogging as much lately…is everything that’s going on in my life another excuse for that?? Probably. 

But just like you, I am human.  And just like you, I handle things in my own fucked up way that is not always right, and not always what is in my best interest.  Truth is, I know better, yet I chose to take the opposite path.  I can sit here and keep kicking myself or I can say that tomorrow I will just try to deal with it better. 

I am not, nor have I ever been, that person who can always see the light in things, or focus on the positive.  I wish I was.  I’ve tried to train myself to be that way, and in many ways I am *much* better than I was.  But still…I am always waiting for that dark cloud to cover up my sunshine and I will still throw myself my own fabulous pity party.

In the words of Tori Amos… “I’m OK when everything is not OK.”

So in a nutshell…my life feels like shit right now and I refuse to pretend its otherwise.  I refuse to sit here and write a happy go lucky blog post meant to inspire hundreds…because I’m not inspiring right now.  

Truth is though…I MISS being all full of sunshine and happy.  We all do on bad days don’t we??  No one WANTS to be negative and miserable, but sometimes that’s just the way it is!!  And sometimes, no matter how hard we try to force it to be otherwise, we just have to go through the emotions and ride the wave.

I asked people on Twitter what they thought when they saw this picture…this was taken by Frankie while I was at the starting line of the race this past Sunday.  A lot of people said focus, determination, going to kick ass, fierce…..

What do I see….

Some of that, mixed with a lot of sadness and loss and confusion. 

This picture means a lot to me right now because it really sums up a lot of what I am feeling as of late…

DSC00995 (2)

I’m not asking for your sympathy or your prayers.  I’m not asking for a single fucking thing.  I guess I just felt bad mostly for not posting, especially for not posting about the positive things that ARE going on in my life (a new kitty, the WM3 are free, my race).  But if you’ve been following me from the start, you know I don’t try to sugar coat things.  This is just how it is right now, but I sure the hell hope to have a much more positive post very, very soon. xoxo 

15 comments:

  1. I kept coming to your blog too see what was up in your world and knew something must be cooking as there were no updates. I am just so very sorry you are suffering. I dont even know what to say other than I really enjoy reading about your journey and I am grateful you blog about it. Peace be with u.

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  2. You may be experiencing what i did - once I learned how to run - did some races, accumulated a few medals, bragged to my fat obnoxious coworkers how awesome I was - I lost interest. I challenged myself to do it, and once it was done, I lost all my motivation.

    Don't be so hard on yourself :-)

    Sorry to hear you are going through a bad time. I hope it sorts out soon.

    xoxoxoxoxo

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  3. Anonymous #2....If you were walking on a beach....no seriously...I'd love to hear more and what your thoughts are. If you are willing and have the time, please email me.

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  4. I saw your pic change on twitter and it told me your mood has changed. I was actually coming online tonight to email you and see what the hell is going on but now I am reading this so I will leave a comment instead :)

    In that picture you do not look excited and happy at all. And I am sad to hear that it is at the start of a race :/ *hugz*

    Dig deep into it and think about why you do not love running right now. Honestly I feel down sometimes lately too. Marathon training is a lot of work. More so than anything I have ever worked for. Maybe this is it? The running has become more of a scheduled job than the joy it used to be.

    I know you have what it takes to accomplish anything hun you shed over 100 pounds. You can do this. You know are not alone either.

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  5. I love that you don't sugar-coat things. I was a sugar-coater and then I didn't as of yesterday. I anticipate losing followers but I don't care, that's not why I blog.

    I lost interest in running too. A couple years ago. I was training for my first half and about three weeks before the race, I loathed it. I didn't run again till race day and then I took a really long break after. Just when I was thinking I should start again (because I was gaining weight), I was at a party and missed a step and tore the ligaments in my right ankle (yes I was intoxicated!) so now I haven't run since. I figure I will one day but I don't know when.

    At any rate, thanks for not faking it. Sometimes I wonder how people can be so fricking happy all the time!

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  6. I understand what it feels like when nothing is going right, even if outwardly it appears that everything's peachy.

    Can I just say: You look beautiful in that photo. Simply beautiful. I often feel sad because even after losing 40ish pounds and becoming a much healthier person, I still look at photos of myself and wish I looked prettier. So even if that picture is a testament of tough times, it still shows your beauty.

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  7. Without the darkness we wouldn't be able to appreciate the light.

    I hope to see Suzi Sunshine back soon. Hang in there.

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  8. that looks like a pissed off face girl. you're still damn sexy!
    and yep.. even the most amazingly inspiring person is entitled to feel shitty and doesn't owe anyone an explanation! seriously girl.
    luff u!

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  9. I have been following your blog for a few months now and like others, I don't need to read about how glorious and happy weight loss makes you feel all the time...It is a tough journey to get there and a tough journey to stay there. You have done an amazing job! I have a tendency to be obsessive/compulsive about exercising and get to a point where I am doing so much that I can't stand it and quit completely. Unfortunately, I am a quitter more than an exerciser and that along with my food choices it adds up to being overweight. You have been pushing yourself a lot these days and while I don't know you personally, it seems like you have a ton of things going on. Please try not to be so hard on yourself! I hope things get better soon!

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  10. You don't owe anybody anything. Blog or don't. We'll be here when you have something to say.

    I hope things get better FAST!

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  11. Be strong. I am wish you on this shit. Things go bad and you deal however you can get on with your life. No prayers or well wishes or "keep yer chin up". Just hope for better days for all of us living through shitty days.

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  12. I'm sorry your life sucks right now.

    I still love ya.

    I always feel better when it's sunshine, glitter, and rainbows shooting out of my ass...but sometimes it's just shit.

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  13. hey! I'm anonymous number 2 :-) just saw this - didn't expect a response. email you tomorrow xoxoxooxoxox

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