*NOTE: I wrote this blog post the other night…after many beers. I haven't proof-read it nor do I plan to. This is a touchy subject so I am just going to post it as is. You might call me selfish after this, but I believe in loving yourself most, otherwise no one can ever really love *you*…..
I’ve heard about a lot of people who have trouble putting themselves first. I guess in a way that’s hard for everyone on some certain level. You don’t need to have children or a husband or a busy home to put yourself last on the list. There are many times when it can be you, and you alone, but still you manage to put yourself last on the “take care of” list.
I’m an only child. I grew up in a broken household with many, many problems. Some quite serious and some that would leave a few deep scars. I am selfish by nature and I think this is one of the reasons why children of my own are just not in my cards. I am a “ME” kind of gal and I never apologize for it.
At the same time though, I am an absolute giver. I want to help the world. I want nothing more than to make the people in my life feel loved, wanted and needed. Seeing them sad breaks my heart and I will not stop until I see them smile. Sometimes…this gets the best of me.
I want to talk about this because right now, the idea of “putting myself first” is being put to the test.
As many of you know, I am in the middle of the “maintenance” period after reaching goal. Maintenance is 6 consecutive weeks of weigh-ins and at the end of it I have to be within 2 lbs of my goal weight to reach “Lifetime” status at Weight Watchers. This is the ultimate status and is the true goal on this journey.
If I meet this, I will become a Lifetime member on December 23rd…what better Christmas present could I ever give myself?? There is none that could even come close to comparing.
But I feel as though I am put to the ultimate test…
During these 6 weeks I have to deal with the following:
- Holidays…Thanksgiving and Christmas are all within my maintenance period. One of my meeting members pointed out that I get more points during this time, LOL. But still…this is a very hard time. Especially since my meetings are on Thursdays and most of these holidays fall ON Thursdays and I cant attend my regular meeting.
- Family issues…My mother is having surgery this week. Thursday to be exact. Now this isnt as extensive of a surgery as before. I wasn’t blogging at the time but last year my mother had very extensive brain surgery. Half of her skull had to be removed and replaced with plastic due to brain tumors. This surgery coming up is just a complete hysterectomy so while its not as invasive, it is still an issue since this is dealing with a possible cancer and it has her being laid up for a few weeks poses some issues. I am the only person she has around so this puts quite a burden on my shoulders.
- Weight Watchers decided to change NOW!! Are you serious?? LOL…now I know I just wrote about how change is good, and I really do believe that. But I also know that I said I was scared and this is mostly because this is the SCARIEST part of my journey so far on Weight Watchers. I now only have FOUR WEEKS to reach lifetime status and I have to learn to adapt to a whole new program in that short period of time, all the meanwhile maintaining my weight????
This is one sick fucking joke.
OK…but truth be told…this is where we grow. This is where we become stronger human beings and where we win our biggest battles.
It would be easier for me to give up or call a time out. It would be easier for me to blame my mothers surgery, Weight Watchers new plan, the holidays…for a reason to take a “pause”. But I can’t do that with a clear conscious. I HAVE done that before and I know that all you do is come out of the other side feeling worse and even more horrible, feeling guilty. I can’t make excuses for poor behavior based on the elements going on around me…they do NOT rule me nor control me.
Just as this Thanksgiving…there was no meeting so I had to go a day before. There is no if, ands or buts here…I have to weigh-in for 6 weeks and a row, so I found another place to do so (and I became Dr. Suees). I didn’t use the excuse of “the holidays” and neither should you!!
This Thursday (12/2) is a very hard day for me. It is my mothers surgery but it is also the day where I am supposed to go to my meeting and learn all about the new Weight Watchers programs. Now, I am an e-tools subscriber so I will get an idea through there, but I have already gone over my dilemma with my leader, and my mother.
On Wednesday I will go and get weighed-in a day early,..again (UGH!). This is just incase something happens and the surgery takes longer or what not, but I wont have to worry about missing my weigh-in this week. BUT…at the same time I have expressed to my mother how important Thursday’s meeting is to me and considering that we will be in the hospital by 6AM…she thinks I will be fine to make it to my meeting by 5:00 PM. We will play it by ear and see how the day goes,
The point I am trying to make is that when something is important to you…I mean REALLY important, you make no excuses for it. You don’t try to cover it up, hide it, or push it to the side. The people most important in my life know how serious Weight Watchers is to me and how it is who I am and I will NEVER give that up. I will never again put it on the back burner to let life step in because THIS IS my life. Me saying “No I’m sorry I can’t do Weight Watchers right now” is the same as my mother telling her doctor she wont have this surgery right now because of the holidays…you have to do what is right for you. Not everyone will agree with this, but that’s ok. I don’t do this to please anybody fucking else but myself. I have no regrets and I have no shame. I am awesome because I make myself that way and I let nothing stand in my way!!
Every moment of every day is a choice. As long as you stay true to what you want and remember to put yourself first, then it will be good choice! If you don’t put love for yourself and your happiness first, can you really expect others to put love and happiness around you?? You cant buy love or happiness…you earn it.
Love yourself most, because you are the only person you can truly count on…and that’s not a bad thing.