Some weeks you got it, some weeks you dont...

11 comments
(This is an extremely long blog post, and has no fun entertaining pictures, but I just had to get it out there...my apologies in advance.  Think of it as sleeping material ;)

I’ve mentioned it a few times on here, and if you follow me on Twitter you have heard me mention it about a few thousand times on there, but the past 3 weeks haven’t been that stellar for me. I would go as far as to say that the past MONTH hasn’t been that spectacular for me.

Exactly a month ago today I ran my very first ½ marathon. It was one of the best and most fulfilling moments in my life. Not only did I set out and accomplish a goal I set for myself but I also walked away from it with a form of “runners high” that I had never experienced before. I was running *more* than I was running during my training. I was running 4-5 times during the week and in all kinds of elements…hot, cold, dry, wet, and windy. Nothing seemed to stop me from heading out that door and going for a run. Hell, I even hit a new PR at my last 5K!!

My first week back from the ½ marathon I used my no-weigh in pass at my Weight Watchers meeting for the very first time because I knew that my eating wasn’t good while I was in Philly and I was in such a good mood that I didn’t want to face it the number and have it bring me down. I was still adjusting to getting back “on the program” mindset. I was focusing on getting my eating under control and back to making healthy choices, and running, running, running.

During those two weeks of running my ass off however, the scale wasn’t as nice to me as I had expected. I was up .4 ounces for two weeks in a row. I know that those gains were not much and had no real merit considering how much success I was having *OFF* the scale. And in this journey, isn’t it the NSV’s (non scale victories) that matter the most. I don’t think most people who are doing this are aiming to be “skinny”; we are aiming to be HEALTHY!

I talked myself into thinking that those gains were most likely gains in muscle, which I still believe to be true because my eating was pretty spot on and my activity was through the roof!

Then there was last week and the accident I took out on the road that really brought me down. You don’t realize that you have just taken not only a physically beating, but a mental one as well. That spill killed my runners high and I fear that I don’t know when I’ll get it back.

Now you would think that not being able to run would make me work harder at watching what I eat right?? One would think that this would be the prime time for those new muscles I’ve pumped up to do some work and burn off some fat while I rest and recover right??

But NO….instead, lets use this as an excuse to throw myself a pity party and eat whatever I want, whenever I want. Let’s bring things like M&M’s, bricks of cheese, chips and dips into the house. Let’s use the birthday as an excuse to go buck wild and just eat whatever the fuck I want for a whole week. How does that sound??

I was so ashamed this week of how I had eaten that I didn’t even go to my meeting. I knew that week that it was better that I didn’t and I still agree with that, but I do not agree with my behavior.

You know how people talk about “hitting the wall” in terms of running….you are running along all fine and dandy and then BOOM!!!! You almost physically cannot run anymore. The fact is, this “wall” is more mental than it is actually physical. You cannot mentally get over the wall to continue running. All you can think about is stopping, quitting, not moving another inch forward.

I’ve hit the Weight-Watchers wall. No, I don’t want to quit, stop, or give up but I feel like I can’t move forward. I was *SO* close to goal. I was less than 2 lbs away from getting my 90 lbs lost star and less than 4 lbs away from hitting goal weight. All of that would have been before my 27th birthday (which again…is tomorrow people. Still have plenty of time to send me presents :D )

But simply put…I fucked around. I made the choices. No one forced me to eat the things I chose to put into my mouth. No one held a gun to my head and said “eat this cheese or die!”….however, maybe I could get Frankie to act this one out so I feel less guilty. :/ What?? Not a good idea??

The wonder Melanie (@Mpkann on twitter) reminded me that the food does not control me. I control the food! And I feel as if I have lost control and that is one of the worst feelings in the world.

So what do I do to take back control??

Well, I start by stop making excuses!! I own up to the fact that I am just using these moments in life to eat whatever I want and have a “reason” for it. The only “reason” there is to eat is to LIVE…you know, not physically die. Sure, we can treat ourselves now and then, but when you are treating yourself 4 or 5 days out of the week, those are no longer treats…they have become habits again.

Second thing I do is get to my Weight Watcher meeting Thursday and step on that scale!! Don’t get upset about what ever the number is. Just glance at it and move the fuck forward!!

Does it make any sense to eat WORSE when you see the number on the scale go up?? Um….NO!! How in the hell is shoveling more garbage into my body going to make me feel better about the garbage I shoved into it previously. Yet we tend to do that anyways.

I know that the only way I will feel better is by making smart, healthy choices at least 95% of the time (because lets face it….no one is perfect), working out a few times a week and feeling good in my clothes.

I *know* what it takes to make me happy. I *know* what it takes to make that number on the scale go down. I *know* what it takes to lead a healthy lifestyle.

So you know what I have to say to myself…."Suzi, cut the bullshit and be the rock star that you truly are!"  I need to get back to dominating the scale and TAKING BACK CONTROL!!

Goal….watch out, because I’m coming for you……

11 comments:

  1. Confession is good for the soul! Any one who's ever tried to lose weight knows exactly what you're going through. It's frustrating and it sucks, but we're always here to listen to your frustrations as well as your successes.

    You are amazing, first & foremost. Your weight loss is inspiring, but we love the Ms. Storm for her fiery attitude and perseverance with or without the weight loss. Now put down the PB cups and blocks of cheese, dust off those gym shoes and GET TO GOAL! You know you can do this. We've all been watching you do it.

    Your pity party vacation filled with cheese and chips has now come to end. Grab your light beer and let's carry on, shall we?? =)
    xoxoxo

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  2. honey this was a great post. Really reminded me (since I am in the same boat) what I am doing and what I need to do. Nicely said my dear. Lots of love XOXOX

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  3. What a great post. You can do it. You look awesome in your pictures. What an accomplishment you have done. Gracie

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  4. I'm a new reader, but thank you for posting this. You're still an inspiration, whether you're 1lb or 4lb or 10lb off your goal. And your "man up" attitude about it makes you even MORE of an inspiration. Thanks!

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  5. I hear you, Suzi. I have been struggling since I did my last 5K, a trail run back in May. I was only 11 lbs. from goal at this time last year (I lost 41 lbs. at my highest point) and being laid off from the job I had at the time was the start of straying from all of the good habits I had developed. I was a person who never exercised and not only did I become a person who was in the gym five days a week, I even brought workout gear to exercise in hotel gyms when I went on vacation.

    My challenge became staying on track once the regular routine that I had for so long when I lost the weight fell apart. Every effort I made would never last and that was difficult for me because I had been able to do so well for so long. Now the new job I have involves a 90 minute commute in the morning and two hours at night by bus. By the time I get home, the last thing I want to do is go to the gym but I really have no excuse not to (my gym is across the street from where I live).

    I say all that to say, though, that every reason I can state as to why I am not doing what I need to do is an EXCUSE and nothing more. There is absolutely nothing keeping me from getting back on track but myself. What I have come to learn as part of this journey is that these are choices I make. Good or bad, right or wrong. I control what I put into my mouth and how and when I exercise and if I make a different choice, that is all on me, not my job or my commute or any external situation. It is all on me to get myself back on track, too.

    You have come so far! Don’t let a rough patch take your attention away from all of the amazing things you have done. Half marathon? Girl, you are my hero because the 5K trail run I did kicked my backside something fierce. I did make my finish time goal, though, and I was so proud considering that I never would have thought about running any kind of race the year before. I may never become acquainted with running 13.1 miles but I do know that I want to do another 5K and get to my goal weight -- and I will. I just have to get out of my own way.

    Sorry for writing you a novel! Please know that you are an inspiration and I am cheering for you along with everyone else who reads your blog.

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  6. So you make goal on your birthday + 1 month. Its all good, Babe!!

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  7. Damn right you can (and will) do it!!!
    We are, after all, only human - we cannot be perfect and "slip-ups" will happen. How you come back from the mess ups is what determines what you're made of. And you baby - you are made of rock star material!!!!

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  8. Thank you so much everybody for your comments and your support.

    Shawn- Thank you *so* much for sharing that. And dont ever apologize for writing too much!! Thats just silly. I loved your story and you know what...you have a head on your shoulders girl. I know you will find within you the strength and determination you need to meet your goal and kick ass at another 5K!! I know you can do it and you *WILL* do it!!

    I wrote this whole post in less than 10 minutes. I didnt even proof it and I dont know if I ever will. I basically just wrote it yelling at myself, LOL. But sometimes, I guess we just have to do that. Only I hold the power to make the right choices for myself and I need to regain my control.

    This wont happen over night and I wont magically wake up tomorrow and be back to being on top of my game...I have to really examine the choices I'm making and think about why and what needs to be done to change them. But I know I will be back to kicking ass and taking names soon enough, and I really have all of you to help thank for that.

    We got this!!

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  9. Rockstar!! I am a huge emotional eater, and that hasn't changed in the last 3 weeks of doing WW. It is tough, and when there's problem food in the house (like the cheese bread that my roomie ordered last night), I am literally weak in the knees. Love how honest you are!

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