(This is an extremely long blog post, and has no fun entertaining pictures, but I just had to get it out there...my apologies in advance. Think of it as sleeping material ;)
I’ve mentioned it a few times on here, and if you follow me on Twitter you have heard me mention it about a few thousand times on there, but the past 3 weeks haven’t been that stellar for me. I would go as far as to say that the past MONTH hasn’t been that spectacular for me.
Exactly a month ago today I ran my very first ½ marathon. It was one of the best and most fulfilling moments in my life. Not only did I set out and accomplish a goal I set for myself but I also walked away from it with a form of “runners high” that I had never experienced before. I was running *more* than I was running during my training. I was running 4-5 times during the week and in all kinds of elements…hot, cold, dry, wet, and windy. Nothing seemed to stop me from heading out that door and going for a run. Hell, I even hit a new PR at my last 5K!!
My first week back from the ½ marathon I used my no-weigh in pass at my Weight Watchers meeting for the very first time because I knew that my eating wasn’t good while I was in Philly and I was in such a good mood that I didn’t want to face it the number and have it bring me down. I was still adjusting to getting back “on the program” mindset. I was focusing on getting my eating under control and back to making healthy choices, and running, running, running.
During those two weeks of running my ass off however, the scale wasn’t as nice to me as I had expected. I was up .4 ounces for two weeks in a row. I know that those gains were not much and had no real merit considering how much success I was having *OFF* the scale. And in this journey, isn’t it the NSV’s (non scale victories) that matter the most. I don’t think most people who are doing this are aiming to be “skinny”; we are aiming to be HEALTHY!
I talked myself into thinking that those gains were most likely gains in muscle, which I still believe to be true because my eating was pretty spot on and my activity was through the roof!
Then there was last week and the accident I took out on the road that really brought me down. You don’t realize that you have just taken not only a physically beating, but a mental one as well. That spill killed my runners high and I fear that I don’t know when I’ll get it back.
Now you would think that not being able to run would make me work harder at watching what I eat right?? One would think that this would be the prime time for those new muscles I’ve pumped up to do some work and burn off some fat while I rest and recover right??
But NO….instead, lets use this as an excuse to throw myself a pity party and eat whatever I want, whenever I want. Let’s bring things like M&M’s, bricks of cheese, chips and dips into the house. Let’s use the birthday as an excuse to go buck wild and just eat whatever the fuck I want for a whole week. How does that sound??
I was so ashamed this week of how I had eaten that I didn’t even go to my meeting. I knew that week that it was better that I didn’t and I still agree with that, but I do not agree with my behavior.
You know how people talk about “hitting the wall” in terms of running….you are running along all fine and dandy and then BOOM!!!! You almost physically cannot run anymore. The fact is, this “wall” is more mental than it is actually physical. You cannot mentally get over the wall to continue running. All you can think about is stopping, quitting, not moving another inch forward.
I’ve hit the Weight-Watchers wall. No, I don’t want to quit, stop, or give up but I feel like I can’t move forward. I was *SO* close to goal. I was less than 2 lbs away from getting my 90 lbs lost star and less than 4 lbs away from hitting goal weight. All of that would have been before my 27th birthday (which again…is tomorrow people. Still have plenty of time to send me presents :D )
But simply put…I fucked around. I made the choices. No one forced me to eat the things I chose to put into my mouth. No one held a gun to my head and said “eat this cheese or die!”….however, maybe I could get Frankie to act this one out so I feel less guilty. :/ What?? Not a good idea??
The wonder Melanie (@Mpkann on twitter) reminded me that the food does not control me. I control the food! And I feel as if I have lost control and that is one of the worst feelings in the world.
So what do I do to take back control??
Well, I start by stop making excuses!! I own up to the fact that I am just using these moments in life to eat whatever I want and have a “reason” for it. The only “reason” there is to eat is to LIVE…you know, not physically die. Sure, we can treat ourselves now and then, but when you are treating yourself 4 or 5 days out of the week, those are no longer treats…they have become habits again.
Second thing I do is get to my Weight Watcher meeting Thursday and step on that scale!! Don’t get upset about what ever the number is. Just glance at it and move the fuck forward!!
Does it make any sense to eat WORSE when you see the number on the scale go up?? Um….NO!! How in the hell is shoveling more garbage into my body going to make me feel better about the garbage I shoved into it previously. Yet we tend to do that anyways.
I know that the only way I will feel better is by making smart, healthy choices at least 95% of the time (because lets face it….no one is perfect), working out a few times a week and feeling good in my clothes.
I *know* what it takes to make me happy. I *know* what it takes to make that number on the scale go down. I *know* what it takes to lead a healthy lifestyle.
So you know what I have to say to myself…."Suzi, cut the bullshit and be the rock star that you truly are!" I need to get back to dominating the scale and TAKING BACK CONTROL!!
Goal….watch out, because I’m coming for you……
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