The Art of Impulse

9 comments
I don’t know what came over me. Last weekend went by and while I wasn’t in complete control I still held onto a little bit. It was enough to start the week feeling like I was ok and like the chance of being down at least .2 so I could get my 80 lbs star would be possible.
Then it started Tuesday night.

I have somehow gotten back into the habit of drinking beers every night again. Thankfully it’s the Bud 55’s and on most nights, it’s not to the extreme of a 12 pack or anything. So Tuesday night I’m sitting there on my couch around 9 O’clock at night when it hits me….I’m STARVING!! I was so hungry. I knew I had no points left though, especially with the beer I had been consuming. I thought about it and I decided that I was not going to give in. I pushed the urge to eat aside and found something else to do.

Then Wednesday came.

All I wanted to do was eat, eat, eat. I was so hungry. And carrots and hummus were just NOT doing the trick. Frankie wanted to stop by McDonalds for lunch and I was *SO* tempted to say “screw it all!” and get a hamburger and fries but instead I got a salad. I did however steal a bite of his sandwich and a couple of fries.
Then in the afternoon I was STARVING again!

I got some light chips out of the vending machine.

Then we ordered Chinese food for dinner, where I ate almost everything I ordered. That hasn’t happened in a LONG time.

Then I drank the rest of my Bud 55’s but boy oh boy I was still thirsty so what did I do you ask???? I started drinking the Coors Lights. I probably drank almost 18 beers. Nice! This would lead me to have one of the shittiest hangovers that I’ve had in a while.

Then Thursday came.

Normally I have my Weight Watchers meeting on Thursday but I had pretty much already decided that I wouldn’t be going to my meeting this week. Part of me felt really guilty about this because I’ve missed a couple meetings in the past few months. I thought about going and using my “no weigh-in” pass (I have yet to use that) but then the more I thought about, and the more my hangover reminded me, I was in no place mentally to step into that meeting. It wouldn’t have lifted my spirit or motivated me…well technically it probably would have but I was being so snotty that I didn’t want to have any part of it. So with all of this decided and my hangover getting worse and worse, I consumed the following yesterday:

Breakfast- Multigrain bagel with light cream cheese & a medium caramel latté light from Dunkin Donuts
Lunch- Applebee’s trio platter, a chicken tender, and then a mini chocolate bar in the afternoon.
Dinner/evening- Beer of course, a slice of cheese pizza, antipasto salad with regular ranch dressing, then Frankies crust from his pizza. A tub of cheese curds and then some other spicy cheese curds with some rf crackers.

Yup. I don’t need to tell you how I feel today, and I most certainly do not want to tell you what the scale said this morning (why I even stepped on it is beyond me).

So why did I do this to myself?? Looking back on it every moment was a choice (duh!) and it was an opportunity to make the right, healthy decision but instead, I acted on impulse. I only briefly thought about what the good choice should be but paid more attention to the bad choice. I simply quickly acted on the impulses. I could have came out stronger, wiser and certainly a few pounds lighter but instead I chose to throw all logic out the window so now I will most likely come out of this, well, maybe a bit wiser and stronger but also with a lot more questions and anger.

I’ve been trying to think about *why* I did this to myself. I started the new medication, which has a steroid in it, so was it the steroid that’s been making me so hungry?? Am I technically really as hungry as I think I am or am I just saying this because I *think* the steroid is making me hungry?? I’m so close to hitting that 85 lbs lost mark. Am I secretly sabotaging myself again to not hit another milestone??

I don’t have all the answers, nor will I ever. I know that today I don’t even want to think about food. All I’ve managed today is water (which is going down slower than usual) and coffee. Part of me is angry, disappointed, sad, frustrated. But then another part of me is forgiving and understanding. I’ve come so far. I can’t let TWO DAYS get me down so badly. I have to try to and get to the root of why I chose to partake in these behaviors so that way I am prepared for them when they creep up on me again because believe me, it will happen again. Hopefully though, this time I will be a bit smarter and not give into the act of impulse.

In other news real quick.  I am running my very first "official" 10K this Sunday.  It is at Beaver Lake and this is very same place where I ran my first ever 5K so thats pretty cool.















It's trails which is alot different than the road races obviously but I am excited about it.  Every run I've ever had here has been so nice and peaceful.  The 10K race does the Lake Loop trail twice, and about a mile of that goes over a boarwalk that is above a marsh.  It's pretty cool.  



















I'm not running it to make any time or anything but just to help give me some more experience of racing with a crowd and a longer racing distance before my 1/2 marathon. 

9 comments:

  1. I wish i could help you. The only think i can think to tell you is that i find it somewhat comforting that someone who has done as brilliantly as you still has the same battles as someone like me. Does it help yout to hear that gives me hope?

    I think you are a frickin' rock star, and i know you must be proud of all your achievements so far. I know you have the strength to go further than this too.
    I also know i am my own best saboteur, i have done this kind of thing so many times.
    I hope you feel better later on today.
    I am right behind you, with my pom-poms- okay?
    :)

    xx
    lesleydh

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  2. I'm the queen of impulse. I just impulsed my way to 40 pounds gained back. You do NOT want to do that for sure. I sure the hell wish I could help you....it would help me too.

    Hang on my friend....I'd tell you it will get better, but from your tweets this morning, I'm guessing it just got a hell of a lot worse!

    Sometimes all we can say is 'It sure sucks to be me right now'.

    Sending healing, loving, all encompasing hugs your way right now.

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  3. If we knew why we did stuff like this I think we would be geniuses! lol Oh my friend....hang in there! It's over, movin on!

    Focus on your Sunday run, go you! :)

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  4. Hang in there, girlfriend. I just did it with my 1/2 slice of carrot cake, piece of raspberry pie, piece of peach pie and piece of millionaire pie.

    i feel sick. and am not having any more pie or cake until after the wedding.. where i will consume at LEAST 2 pieces. ;)

    just recognize it, accept it, and learn from it. **hugs**

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  5. I don't know why you did it or why I do it either. However: pick your ass up, dust yourself off, hitch up those sexy big girl panties and get on with it:) That's what I'm telling myself, hope it helps.

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  6. Was there anything else going on at the time? Stressed at work? Not getting enough sleep? I know my body reacts to anything out of the ordinary with signaling that I am STARVING. But most of the time it is because of something else (tired, depressed, lonely, bored). Maybe see if any of those things are present and if you are tired, get rested up instead of focusing on being hungry.

    If nothing was different, then please disregard ;)

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  7. It seems as if we all have these moments (or 48 hours) where the first thing we want to do is eat cheese curds and last thing we want to do is eat right!! Its apparently pretty normal and as long as it doesn't last more than, say, that 48 hours, just let it go! If you do think that the steroids are gonna do this to you, make sure you bring that up to the Doc ASAP. If he knows how much work you have done to get where you are, he will know how much it means to not allow a medication to sabatouge you and can change things up. Hugs to you Babe. You are still a Rock Star to us!

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  8. We all do these things. And we don't know why. If we did then we wouldn't do them. You're human. Don't beat yourself up too much sweetie. You're my HERO! I love how far you've come and I know you'll get back on track. Take a little time and get back on track. You're the one that showed me that I can have beer while losing weight. Which I plan to do (again) next Saturday night while enjoying my FAVORITE Nascar race (haha I know you love it). *hugs* I miss your tweets sweetie. Hope to see them again soon bb.

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  9. It's done now Suzi. Don't be so hard on yourself. Simply move onto a new day. These detours are always going to happen. But maybe not as often or for as long. You're doing so incredibly well. Remember, Persistence not Perfection!!

    ((hugs))

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