I don’t know what came over me. Last weekend went by and while I wasn’t in complete control I still held onto a little bit. It was enough to start the week feeling like I was ok and like the chance of being down at least .2 so I could get my 80 lbs star would be possible.
Then it started Tuesday night.
I have somehow gotten back into the habit of drinking beers every night again. Thankfully it’s the Bud 55’s and on most nights, it’s not to the extreme of a 12 pack or anything. So Tuesday night I’m sitting there on my couch around 9 O’clock at night when it hits me….I’m STARVING!! I was so hungry. I knew I had no points left though, especially with the beer I had been consuming. I thought about it and I decided that I was not going to give in. I pushed the urge to eat aside and found something else to do.
Then Wednesday came.
All I wanted to do was eat, eat, eat. I was so hungry. And carrots and hummus were just NOT doing the trick. Frankie wanted to stop by McDonalds for lunch and I was *SO* tempted to say “screw it all!” and get a hamburger and fries but instead I got a salad. I did however steal a bite of his sandwich and a couple of fries.
Then in the afternoon I was STARVING again!
I got some light chips out of the vending machine.
Then we ordered Chinese food for dinner, where I ate almost everything I ordered. That hasn’t happened in a LONG time.
Then I drank the rest of my Bud 55’s but boy oh boy I was still thirsty so what did I do you ask???? I started drinking the Coors Lights. I probably drank almost 18 beers. Nice! This would lead me to have one of the shittiest hangovers that I’ve had in a while.
Then Thursday came.
Normally I have my Weight Watchers meeting on Thursday but I had pretty much already decided that I wouldn’t be going to my meeting this week. Part of me felt really guilty about this because I’ve missed a couple meetings in the past few months. I thought about going and using my “no weigh-in” pass (I have yet to use that) but then the more I thought about, and the more my hangover reminded me, I was in no place mentally to step into that meeting. It wouldn’t have lifted my spirit or motivated me…well technically it probably would have but I was being so snotty that I didn’t want to have any part of it. So with all of this decided and my hangover getting worse and worse, I consumed the following yesterday:
Breakfast- Multigrain bagel with light cream cheese & a medium caramel latté light from Dunkin Donuts
Lunch- Applebee’s trio platter, a chicken tender, and then a mini chocolate bar in the afternoon.
Dinner/evening- Beer of course, a slice of cheese pizza, antipasto salad with regular ranch dressing, then Frankies crust from his pizza. A tub of cheese curds and then some other spicy cheese curds with some rf crackers.
Yup. I don’t need to tell you how I feel today, and I most certainly do not want to tell you what the scale said this morning (why I even stepped on it is beyond me).
So why did I do this to myself?? Looking back on it every moment was a choice (duh!) and it was an opportunity to make the right, healthy decision but instead, I acted on impulse. I only briefly thought about what the good choice should be but paid more attention to the bad choice. I simply quickly acted on the impulses. I could have came out stronger, wiser and certainly a few pounds lighter but instead I chose to throw all logic out the window so now I will most likely come out of this, well, maybe a bit wiser and stronger but also with a lot more questions and anger.
I’ve been trying to think about *why* I did this to myself. I started the new medication, which has a steroid in it, so was it the steroid that’s been making me so hungry?? Am I technically really as hungry as I think I am or am I just saying this because I *think* the steroid is making me hungry?? I’m so close to hitting that 85 lbs lost mark. Am I secretly sabotaging myself again to not hit another milestone??
I don’t have all the answers, nor will I ever. I know that today I don’t even want to think about food. All I’ve managed today is water (which is going down slower than usual) and coffee. Part of me is angry, disappointed, sad, frustrated. But then another part of me is forgiving and understanding. I’ve come so far. I can’t let TWO DAYS get me down so badly. I have to try to and get to the root of why I chose to partake in these behaviors so that way I am prepared for them when they creep up on me again because believe me, it will happen again. Hopefully though, this time I will be a bit smarter and not give into the act of impulse.
In other news real quick. I am running my very first "official" 10K this Sunday. It is at Beaver Lake and this is very same place where I ran my first ever 5K so thats pretty cool.
It's trails which is alot different than the road races obviously but I am excited about it. Every run I've ever had here has been so nice and peaceful. The 10K race does the Lake Loop trail twice, and about a mile of that goes over a boarwalk that is above a marsh. It's pretty cool.
I'm not running it to make any time or anything but just to help give me some more experience of racing with a crowd and a longer racing distance before my 1/2 marathon.
Powered by Blogger.