Welcome to the dark side

20 comments

Give me life, Give me pain, Give me myself again”- Tori Amos ‘Little Earthquakes’

The minute I heard that line, oh, over 12 years ago, I knew that those simple words would resonate with me for life. 

Sometimes those words empower me and keep me moving forwards.  Sometimes they make me step back.  And on a rare occasion, they dig me in a real, deep, dark hole.

This post is not about my weight loss, or my eating habits, or my fitness, or my running. 

I’ve been extremely absent as many of you have noticed and before I go into this post let me just say THANK YOU.  Thank you for being supportive, not only here but also through Twitter.  While I may not have answered, I saw all the comments and well wishes and they meant more to me than you know.  They kept me from not losing hope.  When I would start to feel that life was crumbling around me and all hope was lost, I would see one of you reach out and remind me that there is still a light somewhere.

I’ve talked briefly on here in the past about my battles with depression.  It all started when I was around 6 and up until I was about 16 years old I was medicated to treat the problem.  I’m proud to say that I broke away from the medications and found that my best treatment came from within myself and exploring these “dark sides”.  Now my dears, I’m not talking about “oh I feel sad today” type of depression.  I’m talking about a dark side so deep that I physically feel as if I cant get out of bed…the desire to even shower escapes me.  Thankfully though, that level of depression does not creep up often, but it does comes back…

And that folks, is where I have been.  I’m been on a deep, dark plane of “I dont give a fuck!”

It came out of no wheres and it came for no reason.  I was done.  I was done with EVERYTHING. 

I was done being a weight-watcher.   I wanted to fucking eat and fucking drink like everybody else.  I didnt give two fucking shits about how many points a goddamn cheeseburger was.  I didnt want anyone to compliment me on my weight loss or ask me how much weight I’ve lost, only to have that expression on their face that really reads “Damn girl, you must have been FAT”…..yeah no shit! 

So these past two weeks, I ate whatever the fuck I pleased.  On a few occasions, I ate more at a meal than my boyfriend and even his brother!!  It was “woman vs. food” in this household folks.  And beer??  Whew…I dont think I’ve gone a single day without drinking since this hit.

I’ve ran twice in the past two weeks, and each time I forced it.  I’ve had no desire to work out or move my body.  The physical act of getting out of bed is enough to make me want to cry.

The amount of breakdowns I’ve had at work have been enormous.  I could give two shits about what is on my desk and what needs to get done.  I literally had to refrain from telling a customer to “fuck off” the other day on the phone.  This is very, VERY rare for me.  I’m good at what I do and I have built very good relationships with most of my customers.  But 95% of the time lately, I could care less!

Then there is Frank and his son.  I’m ashamed to admit this, but just looking at them filled me with anger and an urge to scream.  The two people I love most in this life were silently driving me INSANE.  I yearned for a moment ALONE. COMPLETLY ALONE.  Alone in my house, alone with my thoughts.  I didnt want to hear either of them utter a word and if they did, I held it against them.  I lashed out at their every word and action.  I thought about running away.  I thought about just giving up…

And then theres that….giving up.  Something I’ve thought about doing a lot lately.  Questioning how much fight I have left in me and if it is really all worth it.  Questioning if this is how my entire life will be.  No movement forwards…just a complete standstill. 

And if it is a complete standstill, do I want to live for it??

What happens when I hit my goal weight?  What becomes of me? Do I just become this woman who managed to lose X amount of pounds but guess what!?! I’m not fat anymore…so what now?!?!  What the fuck do I write about??  What do I have to look forward to anymore when I’m not looking forward to that success. 

Have you ever felt so completely miserable that nothing in this world…no gift, no food, no drink, no love, can pick you back up?

Have you thought about giving up so completely that the only thing that keeps you from doing just that is just the pain you might inflict upon others?

I’ve been in much deeper, darker holes than this one.  Believe me.  But these episodes are ones that I am not familiar with, because they are lined with a level of what I like to say scream “wake the fuck up Suzi!”.  I’m not an idiot.  I know that these thoughts are completely ridiculous and that I am stronger than these waves of emotions.  Maybe that is why I have been so confused the past two weeks.

I took today off from work.  My company does not give “mental health” days but that is what I have taken it off for.  For the first time in probably over 6 months, I have the entire house to MYSELF.  No one else here but my and my cats.  I can watch whatever I want on TV.  I can sing all through out the house.  I can masturbate in every single fucking room if I wish.

I dont have to listen to people yelling at video games, or have people make comments, or tell anyone to close their door every two seconds.  This moment, this time, is FOR ME.  And right now I am enjoying it by doing what I enjoy best and that is zoning out around the house listening to music.  Music has always been and will always be my #1 fix.    

I’m getting back to where I need to be.  Slowly, but I am getting there.  I am starting to come to terms with this episode and realize that when I come out from the other side of it, I will be much stronger than before.  I’ve learned that these are demons I must face and not push away.

But then there is the side of me that gets off on this behavior.  Its comfortable to me in way, because I am familiar with it.  And that my friends, is the biggest demon of them all. 

And that no matter how much weight I lose, or how far I run, life is still a constant fight.  Losing 82 lbs does not make my troubles go away, or my need for “quiet” time to extinguish.  Running 11 miles, or 13.1 miles does not mean I can run away from things that annoy me or upset and have no worries about them creeping up on me later on. 

So here I am…fighting to get “me” back again.  Because as each of you have reminded me, the “me” I am fighting to get back is worth the battle.     

 

I will end with one more Tori Amos line from her song ‘Upside Down’…

“well i found the secret to life
i found the secret to life
i'm okay when everything is not okay”

xoxo

20 comments:

  1. Oh Suzi, I'm so sorry for what you've been going through! I've struggled with serious depression throughout my entire life. Even though I wish I didn't, I know exactly how you feel.
    For me the worst part is knowing I NEED to reach out for help, but just not giving a shit. Knowing it's all not "that bad", but not fucking caring.
    It ALWAYS gets better though, there truely is light at the end of the tunnel.
    Love ya lady - and so happy that you are getting back to being yourself. Enjoy your day!

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  2. i have been soo worried about you, love! literally right before this post i was like i wonder where she IS!?

    i am so sorry to hear you've been having a rough time, and i am very glad that you're feeling a bit more yourself. i hope things continue to get better!! <3 <3 <3 <3

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  3. I'm glad to hear from you sister! Missed you! Let me know if you ever wanna talk it out... we can "drink it out" over the phone too :)

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  4. You're not alone......Just so you know. I understand completely what you feel and what you're thinking. I just have no advice or anything that makes it better. I'm still trying to figure that out myself. But hope things start looking up......

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  5. oh honey, I *do* know this place unfortunately. This place is the reason why I ended up at square one again. I have asked those questions, "what now?" "who am I if I'm not the one losing weight?" "who am I when I'm at my goal weight?" The thing is, you don't have to go back to square one to understand that you are MORE than this weight thing. You are more than the running. When you reach goals or milestones or pounds lost we are happy for you and celebrate with you, but if deep down inside you are not happy then we are also not happy. Weight loss is just the beginning. It's not about weight lost. It's about YOU found.

    You can write about everything. You are really more than just this part of the "journey" (I hate that word but I haven't found a replacement yet), but your success in ANYTHING comes from inside and if there are demons to fight, then fight them! Let those who care help you fight them! Trust me sweetie you do not want to just say "fuck it all" because that is really truly not the solution. Whatever you need to do to get to a place of acceptance where you are right now is FINE, but you've already done an amazing thing but nipping it in the bud and TALKING about it.

    We love you and just want you to be happy. Fat or no fat. Running or no running. Whatever. You were missed and I hope you keep reaching out so we can support you in getting in a good place again!!

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  6. This is the first time I've been to your blog...and I am glad I came here today. I've not struggled with serious depression but my sister has. Hugs. The whole weight loss thing though...that I can relate to. When I lost 55+ pounds back in 2005-06 that's all I could think about. It's who I became. Even before that, my weight has always defined me. And everything that came to me as a result of losing weight was good so that automatically meant that if I gained weight then I'd lose all those good things. And then I did...I regained some weight and experienced some depression and now, four years later I see what I gift I was given. I don't mean to sound all touchy-feely but it's true. I finally learned who *I* am not what my body is. And it's all been through writing. Not specifically about weight loss but about everything else. So write when you feel like it and don't write when you don't. It's all good.

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  7. Take whatever time you need....we will be here waiting for you. HOping you feel better soon....xo

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  8. oh my friend... sometimes it's OK to wanna be alone. I understand. Sometimes it also helps to talk it out. I wish we knew the right thing to do in each situation, but I guess that is life and it's a mystery at times.

    As far as weight loss goes I know when I get to goal I do not expect my butt to never gain weight again. I was obese all of my life pretty much so how do I stop those feeling of wanting to comfort myself with food. It's not easy adn I guess there is no simple answer. I hope that knowing others feel the same way as you help though!!!???

    Big HUGS and lots of happy thoughts being sent your way!

    xoxo

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  9. Ah, lil' Sis, I had no idea that you struggled with this!! I am so sorry. While you try to assure us and yourself that you have this under control, please be very careful. I lost a brother to these demons and he thought he had them under control. Its a dark and scary place. Don't dwell there too long.

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  10. I have missed you and as much as I wish I couldn't say it - I have felt this too - so please know you are safe here....I'm so sorry. Do what you have to to get better....you are worth it.

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  11. Wow this is a powerful post! Although i realize that others suffer from depression as i do, i didn't realize that others can have the "i want to be left alone" part of it.
    I'm truly amazed that you deal with this without meds, unfortunately i've always needed the meds to get back to myself.
    It is definitely worth the battle however you do it.

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  12. I'm so glad that you are back!! I have been thinking about you.

    I suffer from depression, too. I just wish I could give you a big hug. But I am glad to see you are back and blogging and tweeting again. That is a good thing. Sometimes we just need to take a step back and do what we need to do. And taking a mental health day is that, too.

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  13. OH Sweetie... I feel your pain and have asked myself all the same questions. While I hate that you are feeling so low in a strange morbid way its comforting because its helps me to know I'm not the only one and I want you to know the same! I envy you because you are your own person and you do, say, think, feel for yourself and that takes a lot of courage. I can't begin to tell you how to get out of this, noone can... but what I know for sure is.. YOU WILL BE O K

    My mother always says if there were songs like "everybody hurts" by REM when she was growing up maybe she wouldn't have been so depressed.. I have always found that song comforting as a result of that and the words ring true.
    Stay strong sister
    xoxoxoxox

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  14. Thank you *SO* much to everyone for all your kind words of support and love. I appreciate it more than you know.

    Just the simple act of putting this post up has helped me a lot. Taking the day off to be by myself was defintely a good choice & taking the moment to write all this shit out was an even better one.

    It's tough when everything in life gets frustrating and thats kind of the best way to sum up everything I have been feeling the past two weeks. Just frustrated about *everything* in life. I will say to assure some of you that I was never "suicidal" during this rough patch. Just down in the dumps enough to where I didnt want to move or even shower.

    But it's getting better and slowly but surely, I am starting to find that sense of clarity again. Of course, this progress is helped with all of your guys amazing support.

    Thank you all *so* much for being here.
    XOXO-Suzi

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  15. I've been feeling the exact same for the past month or so, and it's gotten worse in the past few weeks. Everything frustrates me, and I just crawl under my covers and think *what's the f@!£ing point in even getting dressed?'
    Reading your post, basically summed up how I've been feeling as well, and well, it's nice to know I am not alone.
    I really hope you get better soon, and I swear I'm not a weirdo, just been following your blog for a while, and would like to let you know that your one of my W.W inspirtations
    :)

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  16. Suzi, you've got a lot of support and a lot of people in your corner, some of whom you've never met, but whose lives you have touched. You have inspired me and I hope somehow that these words--that all of these comments--send a bright moment to your day.

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  17. You've got to deal with these skeletons. They suck. And they will always be there, but in order to move forward we have to deal with our past. We can't change them, but we have to learn from them and face them.

    And, it's ok. I was in a funk myself, of not giving a crap (but giving a crap at the same time) and of stuffing my face even though I wasn't really tasting food and I felt a nasty sugar hangover every morning, but I still ate it anyway. I don't know. Maybe it was the hormones. Maybe it was me getting weight-loss cocky. Maybe it was me just needing a break from being perfect 100% of the time.

    And that break was just what I needed.

    You can't fail unless you give up. And you haven't. You're just hitting the pause button so you can figure things out mentally. And when you do, you'll be back on the road in no time.

    Stick with it, even the deep hole dark nasty parts.

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  18. I LOVE Tori Amos! I hate when I find myself feeling that way and I usually try to read myself out of it. Self help books like Feeling Good by Dr Burns uses cognitive therapy to get you to realize that nothing is wrong, it's just out minds perceiving things negatively. That book has helped me in the past and put me back on the road to happiness. Also, if you have faith, pray about it. Be thankful for all the wonderful things you have in life that are easy to take for granted. Life is short, Carpe Diem!

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