“Give me life, Give me pain, Give me myself again”- Tori Amos ‘Little Earthquakes’
The minute I heard that line, oh, over 12 years ago, I knew that those simple words would resonate with me for life.
Sometimes those words empower me and keep me moving forwards. Sometimes they make me step back. And on a rare occasion, they dig me in a real, deep, dark hole.
This post is not about my weight loss, or my eating habits, or my fitness, or my running.
I’ve been extremely absent as many of you have noticed and before I go into this post let me just say THANK YOU. Thank you for being supportive, not only here but also through Twitter. While I may not have answered, I saw all the comments and well wishes and they meant more to me than you know. They kept me from not losing hope. When I would start to feel that life was crumbling around me and all hope was lost, I would see one of you reach out and remind me that there is still a light somewhere.
I’ve talked briefly on here in the past about my battles with depression. It all started when I was around 6 and up until I was about 16 years old I was medicated to treat the problem. I’m proud to say that I broke away from the medications and found that my best treatment came from within myself and exploring these “dark sides”. Now my dears, I’m not talking about “oh I feel sad today” type of depression. I’m talking about a dark side so deep that I physically feel as if I cant get out of bed…the desire to even shower escapes me. Thankfully though, that level of depression does not creep up often, but it does comes back…
And that folks, is where I have been. I’m been on a deep, dark plane of “I dont give a fuck!”
It came out of no wheres and it came for no reason. I was done. I was done with EVERYTHING.
I was done being a weight-watcher. I wanted to fucking eat and fucking drink like everybody else. I didnt give two fucking shits about how many points a goddamn cheeseburger was. I didnt want anyone to compliment me on my weight loss or ask me how much weight I’ve lost, only to have that expression on their face that really reads “Damn girl, you must have been FAT”…..yeah no shit!
So these past two weeks, I ate whatever the fuck I pleased. On a few occasions, I ate more at a meal than my boyfriend and even his brother!! It was “woman vs. food” in this household folks. And beer?? Whew…I dont think I’ve gone a single day without drinking since this hit.
I’ve ran twice in the past two weeks, and each time I forced it. I’ve had no desire to work out or move my body. The physical act of getting out of bed is enough to make me want to cry.
The amount of breakdowns I’ve had at work have been enormous. I could give two shits about what is on my desk and what needs to get done. I literally had to refrain from telling a customer to “fuck off” the other day on the phone. This is very, VERY rare for me. I’m good at what I do and I have built very good relationships with most of my customers. But 95% of the time lately, I could care less!
Then there is Frank and his son. I’m ashamed to admit this, but just looking at them filled me with anger and an urge to scream. The two people I love most in this life were silently driving me INSANE. I yearned for a moment ALONE. COMPLETLY ALONE. Alone in my house, alone with my thoughts. I didnt want to hear either of them utter a word and if they did, I held it against them. I lashed out at their every word and action. I thought about running away. I thought about just giving up…
And then theres that….giving up. Something I’ve thought about doing a lot lately. Questioning how much fight I have left in me and if it is really all worth it. Questioning if this is how my entire life will be. No movement forwards…just a complete standstill.
And if it is a complete standstill, do I want to live for it??
What happens when I hit my goal weight? What becomes of me? Do I just become this woman who managed to lose X amount of pounds but guess what!?! I’m not fat anymore…so what now?!?! What the fuck do I write about?? What do I have to look forward to anymore when I’m not looking forward to that success.
Have you ever felt so completely miserable that nothing in this world…no gift, no food, no drink, no love, can pick you back up?
Have you thought about giving up so completely that the only thing that keeps you from doing just that is just the pain you might inflict upon others?
I’ve been in much deeper, darker holes than this one. Believe me. But these episodes are ones that I am not familiar with, because they are lined with a level of what I like to say scream “wake the fuck up Suzi!”. I’m not an idiot. I know that these thoughts are completely ridiculous and that I am stronger than these waves of emotions. Maybe that is why I have been so confused the past two weeks.
I took today off from work. My company does not give “mental health” days but that is what I have taken it off for. For the first time in probably over 6 months, I have the entire house to MYSELF. No one else here but my and my cats. I can watch whatever I want on TV. I can sing all through out the house. I can masturbate in every single fucking room if I wish.
I dont have to listen to people yelling at video games, or have people make comments, or tell anyone to close their door every two seconds. This moment, this time, is FOR ME. And right now I am enjoying it by doing what I enjoy best and that is zoning out around the house listening to music. Music has always been and will always be my #1 fix.
I’m getting back to where I need to be. Slowly, but I am getting there. I am starting to come to terms with this episode and realize that when I come out from the other side of it, I will be much stronger than before. I’ve learned that these are demons I must face and not push away.
But then there is the side of me that gets off on this behavior. Its comfortable to me in way, because I am familiar with it. And that my friends, is the biggest demon of them all.
And that no matter how much weight I lose, or how far I run, life is still a constant fight. Losing 82 lbs does not make my troubles go away, or my need for “quiet” time to extinguish. Running 11 miles, or 13.1 miles does not mean I can run away from things that annoy me or upset and have no worries about them creeping up on me later on.
So here I am…fighting to get “me” back again. Because as each of you have reminded me, the “me” I am fighting to get back is worth the battle.
I will end with one more Tori Amos line from her song ‘Upside Down’…
“well i found the secret to life
i found the secret to life
i'm okay when everything is not okay”