No matter what...

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No matter what the scale says today, I will accept what I put into my body the past 2 weeks.

No matter what the scale says today, I will accept that I fucked up.

No matter what the scale says today, I will understand that *everyone* fucks up.

No matter what the scale says today, I will know that I have picked myself up, dusted myself off and started moving forward in the right direction.

No matter what the scale says today, I will know that I have worked damn hard to get to where I am today & a week or two away doesn’t wash all that hard work down the drain.

No matter what the scale says today, I know that I didn’t lose 82 lbs on the scale just yesterday, so therefore, I’m not about to gain 82 lbs back today.

No matter what the scale says today, I know that I feel more amazing than I have ever felt in my life, and a little gain can’t take that away from me.

No matter what the scale says today, I know that this is a journey that like everything else in life, it has its ups and downs.

No matter what the scale says today, I know that I *can* and I *will* change what it will say tomorrow…for the better!

No matter what the scale says today, it will not define me.

No matter what the scale says today, I will still plan to work hard tomorrow to achieve my goals of a healthier, happier life for myself.

No matter what the scale says today, I’m still signed up to run a 1/2 fucking marathon. ;)

No matter what the scale says today, I am still 8-10 pants sizes smaller than I was over a year ago.

No matter what the scale says today, I still went from an XXL size shirt to a size Medium shirt.

No matter what the scale says today, I’m still wearing shorts & tanktops this summer for the first time in over 13 years!

No matter what the scale says today, I still feel super skinny & fit today.

No matter what the scale says today, I know I am awesome!

No matter what the scale says today, I will *NOT* let it bring me down!

No matter what the scale says today, I will *NOT* let it discourage me!

No matter what…I am getting on the scale today!


XOXO

Recipe Remix

5 comments

Wow…what a difference a day makes!!  Just by taking that one day off to myself, writing my previous blog post, and then reading all of your amazing comments, the day afterwards, yesterday, was just simply terrific. 

So terrific in fact that I found the desire and motivation to cook a healthy meal & not only that, but try something new!!

I’m going to call this a “Recipe Remix” because I took a recipe I saw from Gina's WW Recipe site, Skinny Taste and my desire for a salad with grilled chicken. 

This salad is versatile and extremely filling!  You can add stuff to it to make it a whole dinner (as I did Tuesday night) or take a few things out to lighten it up for a lunch (which I did today, hee hee). 

So let me start out with the basics…

  • Chicken Breast
  • Lettuce (I use a fields green spring mix)

- I grilled the chicken on my little Cuisine Art Panini griller thing (a real grill just dries out chicken breast WAY too fast) and seasoned it with salt, pepper, dehydrated chopped onion, paprika.  Delicious!!  Here is how it looks on a beautiful bed of lettuce

100MEDIA_IMAG0225Chicken came in at 4 pts on my electronic WW scale….best $40 on kitchen equipment I have EVER spent.  If you attend Weight Watcher meetings and can get your hands on one of these, I *HIGHLY* recommend it!!

OK…so here what I call the “candy” of the salad.  It is a delicious recipe called Black Bean, Avocado, Cucumber & Tomato Salad.  If you head over to Gina’s fabulous site you will see the original recipe.  I decided to change it up a little bit.  Here is what I did different:

- Here recipe calls for red onions…I am allergic to onions so therefore I omitted these

-I had a can of chick peas (aka garbanzo beans) in my pantry already and I’m still new to the “bean” world so I decided to use these instead.  And while I was worried about them affecting the points value of the recipe, the chick peas I get are actually only 1 pt for 1/2 a cup, and actually have better nutritional stats then the black beans do!

- I only used 1 avocado, where her recipe calls for two.  I only tried avocado for the first time a few months ago & I’m still trying to get used to the taste & texture.  I’m not 100% sure if I’m on the avocado train yet or not. 

-I decided to only use 1 lime (again, she calls for the juice from two).  I wanted to save the other one for my water :)

Here is a picture of all the ingredients I used:

100MEDIA_IMAG0223Sorry for the poor quality of the picture.  My shitty camera is dead again and my phone was being a whore trying to take the picture.  But you get the idea. 

And yes my fellow perverts…I planted the cucumber and limes to look like a cock and balls :)  You are welcome.

So here’s a list of the ingredients:

  • 1 cucumber, diced
  • 2 tomatoes, diced
  • 1 avocado, diced
  • 1 can of chick peas
  • 1 juice from a lime
  • About 2 tbsp or to taste of minced Cilantro
  • Salt & Pepper to taste

And here is how it looks when it’s all mixed up together (mine is not as pretty as Gina’s obviously)

100MEDIA_IMAG0224OMG….this is *SO* delicious!!  I seriously could not believe how good it was.  Even Frankie ate it AND he liked it.  I couldn’t believe it!!

Now on Gina's recipe says that a 1/2 a cup serving (makes 10) is 2 pts.  Because I didn't use the other avocado & I substituted chick peas instead, I’m not sure if it makes mine 1 pt or 2 pts.  I would assume 2 still.  But maybe on a good day you could say 1, LOL.

OK folks, so here is what I did.  I cut up that lovely looking piece of chicken you see up there into chunks and tossed it around in the lettuce.  I then added a 1/2 a cup of the Chick Pea, Avocado salad mix.  Then, because I had more than enough points left and this was my entire dinner meal, I added 1 ounce of hard boiled egg (1 pt), 2 tbsp of Athenos Reduced Fat Feta Cheese (1 pt), & then 3 tbsp (I would normally only add 2 but there was a lot of goodies to cover) of Light Ranch dressing for 3 pts.  Obviously, the dressing is a bit much, but the one thing next to beer that I would never give up on a diet is ranch dressing!  At least I switched to light, right! :)

Here is how my delicious salad looked, which I counted as 10 points…even though it might have been 11…whatever, it was filling and worth it!!

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So there you have it!!  My “MEGA” Grilled Chicken salad.  There are so many things you can do with this.  And Gina's fabulous recipe is so versatile too!  You can have this as a side dish, or even use as like a salsa mix or something.  I might even put mine on my fish tonight!  Yes people…it is THAT good!

I hope you guys decide to try it or something like it.  Right around now, with this heat and humidity, this is the perfect meal!

Speaking of meals…this squirrel was at the tree in front of our house yesterday when we came home from lunch.  He was snacking on a bottle of Hershey's Special Dark Chocolate Syrup!  It was *HILARIOUS*.  All of my neighbors were out watching the spectacle.  I actually got video of it but I cant upload it yet.  Here’s some pictures I got of it though…

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Yes…the squirrel is staring me down in that last one.  YOU CANT SCARE ME SQUIRREL!!  I don't want your damn chocolate anyways!!

And for the record, the squirrel was all hopped up on chocolate and he managed to carry that bottle ALL the way up the tall tree, have it fall all the way back down, came back down, grabbed it & took it all the way up the tree again and to the top of our roof.  I hope that squirrel isn't a diabetic.

 

P.S. I know that I have gotten a couple of awards recently and I promise to acknowledge them & pass the good energy around very shortly.

P.S.S. Um…I’m pretty sure that President Obama already made a nightly address on it, but my fabulous friend Sheryl, aka Ms. BitchCakes hit her goal weight last night at her Weight Watcher meeting. She is simply and utterly amazing!

P.S.S.S. I am writing this blog from a Starbucks near my house that I rode my bike up to.  It’s only just about a mile & a 1/2 (3 miles round trip) but it’s better than nothing. I might go ride for a little bit if it doesn't rain.  Better go check the Doppler!

P.S.S.S.S  I just wanted to write P.S.S.S.S.

 

XOXO

Welcome to the dark side

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Give me life, Give me pain, Give me myself again”- Tori Amos ‘Little Earthquakes’

The minute I heard that line, oh, over 12 years ago, I knew that those simple words would resonate with me for life. 

Sometimes those words empower me and keep me moving forwards.  Sometimes they make me step back.  And on a rare occasion, they dig me in a real, deep, dark hole.

This post is not about my weight loss, or my eating habits, or my fitness, or my running. 

I’ve been extremely absent as many of you have noticed and before I go into this post let me just say THANK YOU.  Thank you for being supportive, not only here but also through Twitter.  While I may not have answered, I saw all the comments and well wishes and they meant more to me than you know.  They kept me from not losing hope.  When I would start to feel that life was crumbling around me and all hope was lost, I would see one of you reach out and remind me that there is still a light somewhere.

I’ve talked briefly on here in the past about my battles with depression.  It all started when I was around 6 and up until I was about 16 years old I was medicated to treat the problem.  I’m proud to say that I broke away from the medications and found that my best treatment came from within myself and exploring these “dark sides”.  Now my dears, I’m not talking about “oh I feel sad today” type of depression.  I’m talking about a dark side so deep that I physically feel as if I cant get out of bed…the desire to even shower escapes me.  Thankfully though, that level of depression does not creep up often, but it does comes back…

And that folks, is where I have been.  I’m been on a deep, dark plane of “I dont give a fuck!”

It came out of no wheres and it came for no reason.  I was done.  I was done with EVERYTHING. 

I was done being a weight-watcher.   I wanted to fucking eat and fucking drink like everybody else.  I didnt give two fucking shits about how many points a goddamn cheeseburger was.  I didnt want anyone to compliment me on my weight loss or ask me how much weight I’ve lost, only to have that expression on their face that really reads “Damn girl, you must have been FAT”…..yeah no shit! 

So these past two weeks, I ate whatever the fuck I pleased.  On a few occasions, I ate more at a meal than my boyfriend and even his brother!!  It was “woman vs. food” in this household folks.  And beer??  Whew…I dont think I’ve gone a single day without drinking since this hit.

I’ve ran twice in the past two weeks, and each time I forced it.  I’ve had no desire to work out or move my body.  The physical act of getting out of bed is enough to make me want to cry.

The amount of breakdowns I’ve had at work have been enormous.  I could give two shits about what is on my desk and what needs to get done.  I literally had to refrain from telling a customer to “fuck off” the other day on the phone.  This is very, VERY rare for me.  I’m good at what I do and I have built very good relationships with most of my customers.  But 95% of the time lately, I could care less!

Then there is Frank and his son.  I’m ashamed to admit this, but just looking at them filled me with anger and an urge to scream.  The two people I love most in this life were silently driving me INSANE.  I yearned for a moment ALONE. COMPLETLY ALONE.  Alone in my house, alone with my thoughts.  I didnt want to hear either of them utter a word and if they did, I held it against them.  I lashed out at their every word and action.  I thought about running away.  I thought about just giving up…

And then theres that….giving up.  Something I’ve thought about doing a lot lately.  Questioning how much fight I have left in me and if it is really all worth it.  Questioning if this is how my entire life will be.  No movement forwards…just a complete standstill. 

And if it is a complete standstill, do I want to live for it??

What happens when I hit my goal weight?  What becomes of me? Do I just become this woman who managed to lose X amount of pounds but guess what!?! I’m not fat anymore…so what now?!?!  What the fuck do I write about??  What do I have to look forward to anymore when I’m not looking forward to that success. 

Have you ever felt so completely miserable that nothing in this world…no gift, no food, no drink, no love, can pick you back up?

Have you thought about giving up so completely that the only thing that keeps you from doing just that is just the pain you might inflict upon others?

I’ve been in much deeper, darker holes than this one.  Believe me.  But these episodes are ones that I am not familiar with, because they are lined with a level of what I like to say scream “wake the fuck up Suzi!”.  I’m not an idiot.  I know that these thoughts are completely ridiculous and that I am stronger than these waves of emotions.  Maybe that is why I have been so confused the past two weeks.

I took today off from work.  My company does not give “mental health” days but that is what I have taken it off for.  For the first time in probably over 6 months, I have the entire house to MYSELF.  No one else here but my and my cats.  I can watch whatever I want on TV.  I can sing all through out the house.  I can masturbate in every single fucking room if I wish.

I dont have to listen to people yelling at video games, or have people make comments, or tell anyone to close their door every two seconds.  This moment, this time, is FOR ME.  And right now I am enjoying it by doing what I enjoy best and that is zoning out around the house listening to music.  Music has always been and will always be my #1 fix.    

I’m getting back to where I need to be.  Slowly, but I am getting there.  I am starting to come to terms with this episode and realize that when I come out from the other side of it, I will be much stronger than before.  I’ve learned that these are demons I must face and not push away.

But then there is the side of me that gets off on this behavior.  Its comfortable to me in way, because I am familiar with it.  And that my friends, is the biggest demon of them all. 

And that no matter how much weight I lose, or how far I run, life is still a constant fight.  Losing 82 lbs does not make my troubles go away, or my need for “quiet” time to extinguish.  Running 11 miles, or 13.1 miles does not mean I can run away from things that annoy me or upset and have no worries about them creeping up on me later on. 

So here I am…fighting to get “me” back again.  Because as each of you have reminded me, the “me” I am fighting to get back is worth the battle.     

 

I will end with one more Tori Amos line from her song ‘Upside Down’…

“well i found the secret to life
i found the secret to life
i'm okay when everything is not okay”

xoxo

What if…

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What if you woke up and were suddenly at the weight you’ve been dreaming of…

Would it be enough??

Would you really enjoy it??

Would you be able to stay at that weight??

Would you be upset at knowing that you’ve missed out on all the hardwork that goes into achieving that kind of success??

Would you still be as lazy as you were when you were heavier??

Would you tell everyone about your weight loss and write blogs about it and tweet about it??

Would you gloat at family functions and show off your new weight “loss”??

Would you still eat at McDonalds or Burger King every day for lunch??

Would you still take the elevator instead of the stairs??

Would you still pick up that gallon of ice cream at night and sit your newly slimmed ass down in front of your TV??

Would you still go to your Weight Watcher meetings??

Would you still sing and dance when you no longer fit into a size 20, or 18, or 16, or 14, or 12??

Would you still look at yourself in the mirror sometimes and say “Fuck, I am AWESOME!”??

Would you still try to give others advice on how to find the power within themselves to lose weight and lead a healthy lifestyle??

Would you still run a half marathon, or even run at all??

Would you have the courage to wear shorts, or a tank top, or a maybe even a bikini??

Would you still feel the same sense of accomplishment when you try on that favorite new dress or suit??

Would you feel as confident being naked in the same bed with your lover??

Would you be happy and jovial more frequently??

Would you try new things you never thought you would try before??

Would you miss the 5,20,15,20,25,30,35,40,45,50,55,60,65,70,75,80 lb losses?

Would you be as happy about getting rid of your “fat clothes”??

Would you still choose a diet soda over a regular soda??

Would you still choose a salad over fries??

Would you still get that rush when your co-workers tell you how good you look??

Would you feel the same sense of pride??

Would you believe in yourself just as much??

No, not likely.  And that is why this journey, no matter how hard and long; it comes with the greatest rewards of all in life.

An abundance of accomplishments!

16 comments

Hello everybody!!  I apologize for taking a break but it was very much needed.  It was nice to “unplug” from here and Twitter for a bit and just enjoy some time outside and with my loved ones. 

I have had a lot of really awesome things happening the past few days though…

First off, I finally hit my 80 lbs lost mark!!  I can’t even begin to describe how amazing this feels.  I can’t believe that I am only 7 lbs away from being at goal weight.  I’m not even 100% sure that it has sunk in yet to be honest with you.  Here’s the evidence:

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Then on Friday my mother surprised me with this beautiful beast:

7hcaI have decided to call her ‘Lucy’.  She is a beautiful 26 inch purple cruiser.  I have taken her out every single day since I got her.  :)  It’s a great side workout to running to be quite honest. 

I got her a basket today and what else but to have my first trip be to get me some beer right??

scaled 

I also received the fabulous Sugar Doll award from my bitch @mesohongry.  Go check out her blog now!!  She is hilarious and is such a strong, amazing woman. 

sugar dollSo in order to fulfill my requirements for this award I have to do the following:

  • Thank the recipient...THANK YOU SO FREAKING MUCH!!
  • Link back to the giver...Done :)
  • Reveal 10 things about me...Well I usually do a “Fun Fact Friday” blog post on here but we’ll see what I got:
  1. The sound of someone whistling annoys the shit out of me. I have tubes in my ears and if its really high pitch it kind of hurts. 
  2. When I was little, maybe 5 or 6, I separated my gums from my teeth by putting on my moms HUGE high heels and dancing back and forth to Jody Watleys “Im looking for a new love” while carrying a hair brush & pretending I was on stage.
  3. My very first word was “Pooh”.  Not like feces, but for Winnie The Pooh.  My moms favorite character ever which was plastered all over my room as a baby.
  4. Today I bought & wore a tank top…I haven't done that since I was maybe 13 or 14.
  5. I love to swim.  We have a pool at our complex but I choose not to swim in it, but if I could live in water I absolutely would!  I wish I could be a mermaid.
  6. I’m the only person in my family to absolutely hate olives.  They are all disgusting!!
  7. I’ve never lived in a house.  I have always, even since I was a baby, lived in an apartment.  I live in a 2 story townhouse right now and this is the first time I have had more than one level and is the closest I have come to a house.
  8. I have horrible credit.  I have big debt from being young and stupid.  My answer to it…get in line people!  I can barely pay my day to day bills so there's no way I can try to make up on that crap.  It sucks a lot, but what can you do. Live and learn I guess.
  9. I’m a makeup-aholic.  I seriously own TONS of makeup.  90% of it I dont even wear.  I get this from my mother.
  10. I’ve always wanted to play music for a living.  I’ve written songs since I was little and I love to sing and have played piano.  It will never happen but in my heart thats my passion.

Now to spread the love to a few whom I believe are some fabulous Sugar Dolls ;)

  1. Gypsie Meanderings
  2. Life Lesson a Day
  3. Lighten Up, Lor!
  4. Operation Size 8

I also want to take a moment to give a very apologetic and extremely late thank you to Sarah of Operation Size 8.  She gave me the wonderful OMB award a little bit back and I never got to thank her on here.  I recently did this award previously here so I’m not sure if I am supposed to do it again or not :/  I still have much to learn about the ‘blog world’ LOL.  If I am, just tell me and I’ll do it!!

 

And last but not least, I am EXTREMELY honored to say that I was featured today on Draft Magazine’s Beer Runner blog.  I was extremely moved that the wonderful Tim, aka @TheBeerRunner on Twitter, asked me to be part of this great blog!!  This may come to a shock to some of you, but I love to drink beer!  And being able to share my love for beer as well as my love to stay fit and healthy was really a wonderful opportunity.  Please go check out my article here!  It was so much fun to do, and it kind of made me feel like a rock star ;).

P.S. That picture of me running with the beer on the site, yeah…I did that at 9:30 AM in front of my complex, while some of my neighbors were outside.  I’m pretty sure someone from AA will be showing up at my door any day now.

 

I hope that everyone has had a safe and wonderful holiday!!  I am NOT looking forward to going back to work tomorrow.  I am really enjoying this time off…probably a little too much ;)

Oh and for those of you wondering about the Crunch Crack / Gun Show challenge, due to the holiday I decided to not post it this week (hey, they pause for local team sports so we can too right??).  I will let you all know though that I did fail miserably at the challenge this week.  I only did my workouts twice and I only hit 100 crunches, not the 125 I was supposed to do.  Well this is a new week right!!  Time to get back on the saddle. But if you kicked ass, please let us know!!

XOXO

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