Hello everybody!! I hope everyone has had a fabulous week. I’m happy to have the weekend coming up. I am running a 5 mile race on Saturday for the American Heart Association so that should be fun! So far I’ve only ran 5K’s so it will be interesting to see how I do in a longer “race”. I raised a total of $231 so that is definitely VERY awesome. It all goes to such a great cause!!
I was down 2.4 lbs this week at my WI. It felt great and I really felt like I deserved it and that the weight was “for real”. The past two WI’s have been difficult…one where I lost was based on my being so sick from a hangover and binge eating, and the last one was a gain from stepping out side my routine (the run I did earlier in the day before my WI) and then the week and 1/2 of activites prior catching up to me. I feel like this weeks weight it a sure thing though and I feel back on track!! I know I made lots of accomplishments this week, between running 10.32 miles to not having a beer during the week (right now doesn’t count….
So before I get into what happened at my meeting tonight let me start by saying that I picked my goal weight!! I have chosen 165. That means as of today I am 17.7 lbs away. It was difficult because I can’t really remember how I felt at that weight. When I was that weight and lower (scary lower) I wasn’t in a healthy or good place in my life. I was thin because of depression, not because I was eating right and exercising. My leader said that we can change it if we have to, but she agreed that it sounds like a good #. It falls within the healthy weight guidelines that WW’s says too. I am very excited about this. I can’t wait to feel what 165 lbs feels like on my body. I know that right now I look healthy and great, and I know that getting these additional 17.6 lbs off will make me feel and look even better and healthier!! I got to start toning up people!! I keep talking about this. I need to start DOING something about it!!
My wonderful leader (Hi Cathleen if you are reading this!!) took the time to pull me aside and talk with me in another room. As some of you may already know, earlier in the week I e-mailed her explaining quickly how I felt about my mom coming to the meetings with me. Instead of telling the whole story again, I sent her the link to my blog. I’m happy she has to access to this. It makes me feel like she gets to understand me a bit better. Thankfully she doesn't think I am a horrible person after reading it (or at least she wont admit it anyways ;-). We talked for about 15 minutes and it was really nice. It was exactly what I needed to hear. It was funny because she picked right up on my body language and the fact that I was much quieter than normal. I felt like she really understood what I was saying and that we shared the same hopes as to how this will all turn out. I can’t thank her enough or express how much it meant that she took the time to talk to me about all of this.
Then the meeting started. My mom decided to go buy some WW goodies and once she sat back she asked me what the meeting topic was about (apparently she didn't pay attention and listen while she was in line lol). When I told her it was about the “self journey” you take on WW, she rolled her eyes. “Oh great” is the first thought that went through my head.
Then my mom let go. Something set her off and she spoke up and she shed tears. She went on about why she wont let go of her “fatness” and spoke about hiding from the world. I was in shock. Good and bad shock. Bad because I thought, ok, I have to hear about this here at my WW meeting now too. But good because I was happy that she was finally telling other people than JUST me about all of this. As she kept speaking, I kept hoping that she was starting to break that shell that she has grown on herself.
One of the things she mentioned was that she thought that the only reason I joined WW’s was because I didn’t want to end up like her, with brain tumors and diabetes. I will be honest in saying that this angered me on some levels. First of all…brain tumors I cant help if I ever get or not, just like she couldn't. This is her once again turning her life onto me. But then it angered me because if she ever paid attention to MY life she would have realized that I joined back into WW’s months before all of health issues happened and also because again, she’s encircling my life and what I do with hers. I felt, and still do feel, that if she ever truly paid attention, she would really know why I make the choices I make.
After our meeting and on the way to our cars I stopped her and told her that A.) she did not embarrass me. She kept thinking that she did. And B.) I do not now nor have I EVER done Weight Watchers for anyone but MYSELF. I did not re-join because of her, or because of Frank, or because of Damon. I do it for myself and only because of myself. If I felt happy at 252 lbs, I would still be 252 lbs, but I didn’t. So that is why I am where I am today.
It was an odd meeting for me, with mixed emotions, but I hope that it is a good starting point for healthy and positive things to arise. Right now I am going to try and do what I know I need to do, and just like my leader said, and remember that those meetings are me and no one else. I have to take her out of the equation and still be the Suzi that everyone knows and loves. I have to remember that I am there to focus on ME and no one else. Hopefully she can learn to do the same and somehow, someway, we can make this work.
One interesting tidbit I got from my meeting tonight: There was Steak & Banana’s fad diet. Ain’t that something!?!? I’m going to start the Beer & Cheese diet I think. 3 parts beer, 2 parts cheese…Would you follow?? ;-)