So today I had to print out my “before” photo for the Weight Watchers Role Model contest my leader nominated me for. Now, you are might be thinking to yourself…big whoop, your before picture ( I really need to find something cute & clever to call it…my “chunkalicious” picture, “fattymcfaster” picture, “green goober” picture…what are we thinking?) is posted right on the front of your blog, so you see it all the time. Well, yes. But I don’t ever see it blown up into a size of 8 X 11. Actually, I have seen it more than the size of a normal computer size thumbnail. I’ve always been too afraid to really “look”. But I looked today…
I can’t even begin to fully explain the depth of each emotion that came through me when I looked at that photograph. I mean really *looked* at that photo. I wanted to cry, vomit and start a fight club with myself all at the same damn time. Looking at that photo makes me feel like I am looking at a stranger. I have no idea who that girl is. She looks lost, afraid, lonely and scared.
The truth of the matter is…maybe I was?? But why really?? It really made me go back and take a minute to look at why I did that to myself. And sometimes that can be the hardest part.
Before I got my “before” picture, I had just lost a ton of weight on Weight Watchers. I was feeling *great*. I looked great and people were constantly letting me know it. But I also was going through a lot of personal struggles at the time. I had just found the courage to finally leave a relationship I was in for almost 7 years that just was not making me happy anymore. I entered into a “situation” with someone that not only went completely against my morals but also led me to some very dark places within myself. None of this was fun, though at the time I didn’t really see the enormity of all of it. At the time I guess I thought I was on top of the world.
Then Frank and I got together. And now I really *was* on top of the world. Frank and I had known each other for 14+ years at this point and the situations we were both in are what brought us together. It’s funny because a lot of people always said we would end up together…we always called them crazy…look at us now, LOL.
I was going out and meeting people!! He had softball games 3 times a week and it was summer and gorgeous out. We would meet up with friends after work for a beer and some dinner and hang out in the sunshine. We would pick up his son on the weekends and go do things like play mini-golf or Frisbee. Doesn’t this sound like bliss?? Well, it was!! So how in the hell did I end up gaining over 70 lbs!?!?!?
Sure, I can blame a portion of it on the medication treatments I had received during those 7 months (Summer-fall) but that cant justify it all. And it definitely cant justify the lost look in my eyes. I think I fell into the trap. The relationship trap I guess. I lost the relationship with *myself*. I was so fixated on the one with Frank and his son and all these new people that I forgot about *me*. I never took time to stand back and watch what I was doing or how I was dealing with all these *huge* changes that had just taken place. Simply put, I just let myself go. I ate whatever I wanted (and with Frank that can mean just about anything and a lot of it. He’s a great cook!) and I was drinking Coors Light faster than they were brewing it in the Colorado Rockies baby!! Sure, in the moment I was having a grand old time, but then I saw a photo of me on our first camping trip together, and I was in shock of what I had done to myself.
The truth is…you never really “feel” the weight gain. You might feel your pants get a bit tighter, or your rings not slide around like they used to, but you always kind of look past those things and just figure they will “go away”. Well more common than not, the next thing you know is you are waking up in a size 24 pants (they used to be size 14-16….happy to say they are a size 14 now!) and every camera angle you have has a double chin.
I remember the moment when I really had my breakdown, and it was when I decided to get serious about Weight Watchers! I had re-joined a few weeks prior but I think at the time I thought that by me just walking in the door that they pounds would fall back off….I WISH!! It was after a softball banquet where we had been eating some BBQ & drinking some free beer. On the way home we decided to stop to KFC and grab something to eat for later at home. It was through the drive-through that I had my mini-breakdown. I was sobbing and screaming and saying over and over again how much I couldn’t believe what I had done to myself. I even yelled at Frankie for *letting* me do that to myself….I know, seriously, what a bitch I am?!?! The truth is, it wasn’t his fault at all.
It would take me a couple more months for me to finally *wake up*. Right after my moms major brain surgery last April (and me putting back on 14 lbs at the time) I really took my weight loss to great heights and that is what has gotten me to the 64.6 lbs lost so far today…hopefully I will make it past the 65 mark this week. ;-)
It’s hard to look at that picture and say “I was depressed”, because I really wasn't. Not with life anyways, but just with myself. That just goes to show that the most important relationship you will *ever* have is the one with yourself. The moment you lose track of your needs and what you want is the moment you start giving up. It’s not just about eating right and exercising, but I find that those are really the stepping stones to keep you on track with own mental well being. I only wish that I had taken a little longer, harder look in the mirror during those 12 months I spent “lost”. What is done is done though and you know what…I fully believe that maybe without having gone through that, I wouldn't be as strong as I am today and I wouldn't be working as hard. I make far more healthier choices than I did before and I work out even tougher (Hello….I’m a RUNNER now!!). And of course, I have to thank Frankie for sticking by me and always making me feel beautiful. Even more so now than ever.
Do I look lost now????
OK…Maybe mildly retarded :-P
I would like thank Jack over at Jack Sh*t, Gettin' Fit for the inspiration for this blog post. I know it was crazy long and probably a bore to read, but it felt great to be inspirired to write again. Maybe I need to take so much pressure off finding *something* to write about, and just let wild on the keyboard. Thank you Jack. Your blog always entertains and motivates me. You truly are an inspiration all around!!