It’s Best To Confess

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If you’ve been following my tweets on Twitter this past week (if you don’t please do! @suzistorm & I will gladly add you) you have probably noticed that I haven’t been myself this week.  The amount of stress that was laid up me earlier in the week (actually starting from last Saturday) seemed to have really taken quite a hard hit on my willpower.

So lets start at last Saturday.  It was the first day of Spring and the weather here was due to be gorgeous.  I knew that Frankie had plans to go play a round of golf with his brother so this meant I could try the new Yoga Meltdown dvd I picked up Friday night.  Also I knew that his son Damon (He’s 11, will be 12 in August) would still be asleep so I could even sneak out for a run too. Man, I was excited!!  I even was careful to not over indulge in beers on Friday night…seriously.  I think I only had like 8 Budweiser 55’s!!  (for those of you new to this blog, please note that I can down some serious beers LOL.  Seriously, like 1/2 a 30-rack just gets me a buzz)  I was *so* looking forward to this.

Then Saturday came.  We woke up nice and early and kissed Frankie and sent him on his way, after he helped me move the extremely heavy coffee table so I would have room to do my Yoga.  I made myself a fresh pot of coffee and I even had a tweet that said the following:

tweet1

Then this one….can you tell how excited I was??

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Then it all went downhill from there.  At approximately 9:30 my stomach began to attack me.  Not to get into the gross and un-lady like details, but I was pretty much locked into my bathroom for the next hour and a 1/2.  When I finally felt like I was ok, I decided it was time to get out and get running.  I was already way behind my schedule but I tried not to let this bother me.  As I had just finished putting on my running clothes my mother calls me to tell me that she is going to the car dealership & wants to know if I want to go with her.  Now because I knew that if she got a new car that she was giving us her old one (not really old, its a 2004 Hyundai Elantra with only 48K miles on it!) I kind of felt obligated to go with her, so I said yes and began to change OUT of my running clothes.  Now, not to bore you with how long and drawn out this story gets, let me just highlight for you what happened from that moment on up until Thursday…

  • As I was waiting for my mom to come pick me up, Damon comes downstairs and vomits all over the carpet.  He then continues to throw up about 6 more times.
  • My mother never comes to get me. She decided to stop there by herself.  She does however call to tell me that she got the car and she should be done signing the paperwork in a few minutes and that she will be on her way to pick me up so I can drive my “new” car back to my house.
  • She calls me about 2 hours later & there is a whole slew of issues and what not that they need to do, but that they said not to worry and she should be able to pick up her new car on Monday at lunch time.  She’s upset & crying & I’m trying to console her while cleaning out Damon’s puke bowl….again.
  • I never got to go running, or do my Yoga Meltdown
  • Damon thankfully felt better that night but could not sleep and came into our room every hour to wake us up & tell us that.  Then the next morning I get woken up at 8:00 in the morning by hearing him yelling on the video game with his buddy.
  • Fast forward to Monday. The car dealership calls my mom and tells her everything is all set.  He has already called her insurance agency and we are good to go.  Appointment to pick up the car was set for noon.  Whoo Hoo!!
  • It’s not 11:28 and we are getting ready to leave.  She gets a call from the dealership saying that she has to either give them the Elantra or another $5000, or no car.  This is where I crack.

She went to another dealership, but it took a couple more bumps along the travel.  Needless to say, Wednesday night she picked up her new car and Thursday I spent the day at the DMV switching over the plates from the truck to the Elantra.  I was beyond tired from the whole experience.  I didn’t even make it to my Weight Watchers meeting that day. :(  But the Syracuse Orange Basketball team was playing that night and I was looking forward to relaxing with some beers & Chinese takeout.  That all was going well until SU lost and Frank started acting like a baby.  He stormed upstairs and I stayed downstairs and began to drink numerous amounts of beer in record time.

I was so upset and pissed off, I actually started to contemplate picking up and moving out of state.  I was just so tired of *everything* at that moment.

I woke up Friday morning feeling yucky & hung over.  Frankie and I were better and knew it was just pent-up frustration that we’ve been dealing with all week.  I was so hung over though that I knew I had to get something kind of greasy in my stomach.  So when my fellow hung over co-workers suggested breakfast pizza to cure the pain, I said oh HELL yes!  It would be from this moment on that I would continue to binge on the following foods, and drink at least 15+ Coors Lights Friday & Saturday night:

  1. Friday Morning- slices of Bacon breakfast pizza
  2. Friday Lunch- A house salad with ranch dressing & split a chicken tenders platter with Frankie
  3. Friday Afternoon-  Some corn chips from a guy at work, a caramel cream candy
  4. Friday Dinner- 2 slices of pizza with sausage, pepperoni & mushrooms.  Then I think I had 8 chicken wings with blue cheese.
  5. Friday Evening- Oh probably about 18 beers or so.  Then I snuck another slice of pizza…and then another, or maybe it was just 1/2, I dont remember.  So yes, that makes about 6 fucking slices of pizza in one day!
  6. Saturday morning I was so full and disgusted with myself, I didnt even want to look at food.  I told myself I take back control & I had a yogurt.
  7. Saturday Lunch- Frankie wanted McDonalds but I stayed strong & I got the grilled southwest chicken salad. 
  8. Saturday Dinner- I was supposed to make healthy chicken parmigan.  I had to meet my mom out at Barnes & Noble where we got a coffee.  It was a light mocha-cherry frapp.  She then asked me if I wanted to go grab a beer next door at Uno’s.  I usually say ‘no thanks’ but I felt kind of bad saying that considering all she had done for me this past week. So…we grab some beer, and split a Shrimp & Crab Fondue & some Mexa-Chili nacho’s. 
  9. Saturday Evening- I grabbed Taco Bell for the boys.  I continued to again, drink massive amounts of Coors Light.  When Frankie offered me a taco I just couldn’t resist.  We watched a movie and I started to watch ‘Saturday Night Live’.  While he was upstairs in bed, I snuck a piece of cold pizza…and then I think I bit a few pieces off of another one.  Dipping them in light ranch of course.

That brings me to today.  I have a slight hang over and my stomach is killing me.  I’m trying not to wallow in the depression that my actions and behavior have led me to feel.  I *AM* taking back control today!!  I started out by tracking again (of course!) and planning.  After I finish writing this I plan on getting out to the grocery store and stocking up my house with healthy foods.  Foods I normally would want to eat. 

I want to feel good again.  I want to feel like me again.  I almost feel like that girl you see in the green shirt on the side of this page.  Today also marks it as being 1 week since I’ve ran or done any exercise of any kind.  I feel just awful.

But sitting here and feeling guilty over things that I cannot now change will get me no wheres.  I need to re-coupe, re-group, re-think, re-frame. We all fall down sometimes but all we can do, and all we *have* to do is pick ourselves up, dust our selves off, and start moving in the right direction.

The major downer though is that I am supposed to submit my Weight Watchers Role Model info in by the end of this week.  I’ve been lazy with this and I can’t even come up with an essay I like enough to send.  Also, I haven't even taken my ‘after’ photo and now I know I’m up a few pounds.  Ugh. 

I’m letting all of this negativity and shame go!!  Watch out world, because Suzi is coming back!!

6 comments:

  1. Suzi Babe, what the hell?! Who's picking on my lit' sister? You are abusing yourself. Seems to be a theme going on the last couple of weeks. Stop and back away from the beer!! It ok, you are going to be just fine but please treat yourself a little better. You deserve it.

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  2. oh sweets *bighug* it can happen to anyone. unfortunately stress is a part of life and you had a LOT of it this week. you know what? it's not the end of the world. however you KNOW you are better and stronger and more in control of this and you can most definitely turn this all around. so definitely put it behind you now and don't feel guilty about this. it's over. it happened. each day you have a new chance. take this new chance and kick some ass!!!

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  3. Thanks so much ladies. Right now I just really have to exercise my will power. It's going to be tough because Tuesday night is the end of the season Dart Banquet...aka lots of drinking. But I can't let that be an excuse to eat like shit in the meantime or after.

    I'm happy and proud to say that so far today I have kicked ass OP!! I bought a ton of healthy groceries, made a WW dip recipe to have with my veggies for the week & I didnt pick up *any* beer for myself at the store.

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  4. Glad to see youre in recovery...it happens and youll get back to the behavoirs that have gotten you to where you are today...no worries xoxo

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  5. Wow, you sure went through a lot this week. And the timing is uncanny considering what I've been going through! We lead parallel lives, Ms Suzi. You've done what you know you need to do - addressed it, put it behind you and moved on - which is exactly what I'm still working on with my own recovery. We're awesome and we deserve it and we'll both make it through this! I'm sure of it! xo

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  6. Ashley- Thanks hun. I know we all go through these waves...Some are just easier to get our heads out of than others I guess. But as always I know I have you there for support :-)

    Sheryl- It really is strange how much our lives cross at times. It seems like the more we learn about each other, the closer we become, and I just adore that! We do deserve to be good to ourselves & we will come out of this stronger than ever!!

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