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This blog post is not about food, or exercise, or weight loss. This post is about owning your own shadows and the difficulties that arise while trying to do so. It’s also very long…
Owning the deepest, darkest parts of me is something that I have struggled with since I was a young girl…very young, 5 or 6 years old perhaps. I remember being a little girl and listening to ‘Dream Weaver’ by Gary Wright (kick ass song!!) on my Sesame Street Big Bird record player and day dreaming about what my funeral would be like, or how would I die…it was mostly always self-inflicted. Wow, is this what an only child thinks about at this age??
I would love to say that I quickly grew out of that phase and went on to lead a normal child-teen-age life. I guess the thing that always kept me going was my deep desire to “understand”. I always wanted to know “why does this song trigger this emotion in me? What does this emotion mean? Where does it come from? How do I deal with this emotion? Where do I put this emotion?” It is my personal belief that we are very multi-faceted when it comes to our personalities. I fully, 100% believe that you can be that loving wife in the kitchen and that dirty whore in the bedroom. It’s about balance. It’s about learning what parts of you need to be where and when. Until you accept that there is a side to yourself that is quote on quote “dark” or “dirty”, you will forever be fighting with those sides, and it will turn up at times and places when you least expect it.
I had an incident like this, this past Friday. Frank was downstairs playing his video game & Damon was in his room playing his. I decided to go upstairs to our bedroom, grab some beers, and watch some “girly” movies. I ended up picking out Grey’s Anatomy Season 2. It’s been awhile since I had seen any real good Grey’s episodes so I thought…’perfect! Plus Frank hates watching Grey’s so now is a better time than any!’ Watching a few certain episodes brought me back to a very dark place in my life….a place with MANY shadows, which on most days, I wish to hide from. Far too many beers later, anger & sadness, and a desperate need to fall asleep to get away from it later, ended up in me making a very stupid decision and proceeding to throw up all over the bed room. Frankie didn’t end up coming upstairs till 3:30 am (he’s obsessed with Call of Duty right now) & by that time I was passed out and had given some effort to clean up my mess.
I spent the next morning, well A.) Resting!! And B.) Trying to figure out why I dealt with those shadows in the manner that I did. Everyone is allowed a little time to beat them selves up now and then. Sometimes that can be a healthy exercise. Of course…mixing alcohol or any time of mind altering substance into that party can never result in a positive outcome. Some people look to go to these shadows with food (like binge eating), or even exercise (you can get addicted to exercise in a bad way, strange I know!). You need to find out where these shadows are and how they reflect inside of yourself, but you just need to be careful on how to go about finding them. But please, take the journey!!
I know what shadows I stepped into that Friday night. I’ve been there before, with a sober mind and spirit. I’m ok with what they represent and while they contain a side of myself I never thought I’d see, I know that realizing that I have that shadow, and own that shadow, it has brought much light into my life.
This particular shadow is one that has been put in the cupboards so to speak. She is strong, and vigil and she will fight for what she wants. She’s also a little bit evil, but one hot devil is disguise. I often forget about this shadow and I guess this was her way of letting me know that I am still strong and can fight against some sins. Hopefully next time though, we can just have a cup of tea or something…not 19 beers.
Note: There is an amazing book called 'Owning Your Own Shadow : Understanding the Dark Side of the Psyche' by Robert A. Johnson. I highliy recommend it. You can find it here